Tammy: Okay, whoever stole my husband's cologne, give it back this instance.
Others:
Tammy: Constance, you took it.
Constance: Hey... well, I liked it. So I took it. Your husband can buy new one.
Tammy: That's not the point. You don't steal from friends. Besides, it's men's cologne, Constance. Why will you use it?
Constance: It's not just men's. Women use it too. I saw in the advertisement. It is bisexual.
Tammy:
Lou: *sighing* Unisex
Constance: No no, this is not uni, Lou. This cologne can be used both by men and women. It's bi.
***
Lou: Uh... Amita, why is your tummy uh... Looking big?
Amita: I'm obviously pregnant, duh! Did you forget? Also, seeing my behaviour, you can obviously assume my pregnancy. It's basic, Lou.
Lou: Well, you never said about your pregnancy to me on face. Besides, the last time I assumed a woman was pregnant, it didn't go well.
Tammy: I am still mad at you for that.
Lou: You were drinking water instead of wine. What was I supposed to think?
***
*Nine and Constance designing a drone from scratch*
Daphne: This is so nerdy of you two.
Nine: We are building a drone from scratch
Daphne: Nerds
Constance: You talk as if you never worked on any science project
Daphne: Science projects are for nerds
Nine: *controlling her frustration* Haven't you worked on science projects in college?
Daphne: College is for nerds.
Nine: *rolling her eyes* What about your high school project? Didn't you work on that?
Daphne: I remember telling Jemma Clarke that I would teach her how to flirt with football captain if she adds my name in her project.
Nine: Christ! And she fell for that? She added your name?
Daphne: Yes. I got an A. She got pregnant with football captain's child.
***
*A guy trying to flirt with Debbie in club*
Guy: Did it hurt?
Debbie: Did what hurt?
Guy: When you fell from heaven. Did it hurt?
Debbie: No but I scraped my knees when I crawled out of hell.
***
*Young Lou applying for the post of female security officer in a club*
Manager: Final question. You see a customer causing havoc and being mean to others. You step in to kick them out but find out it's your mother causing havoc. What will you do?
Lou: Call military for backup
***
Constance: This puzzle is fucking easy. I don't know why the company rated it hard.
Tammy: What puzzle?
Constance: This. I solved just in 10 days. And the box said 2-4 years.
***
*Young Lou in college*
Professor: Is nature hard on humans or not?
Lou: Not hard on humans at all.
Professor: Support your answer, Miss Miller.
Lou: If nature was hard on humans and mandated that a woman must have at least one orgasm to get pregnant... human race would be extinct by now.
***
*Lou undergoing her shoulder surgery*
Lou: Will I be able to play piano after the surgery?
Doctor: Of course you will.
Lou: Oh good. Because I couldn't before.
***
*Conversation between Lou and her niece Claire*
Lou: Honey, your great granny just passed away. LOL
Claire: Uh... Aunt Lou, why is that funny?
Lou: It's not funny, Claire. What do you mean?
Claire: Aunt Lou, you added LOL. What do you think it stands for?
Lou: LOL stands for lots of love. I thought you were present day kid with abbreviations and internet slangs
Claire: Aunt Lou, LOL means Laughing out loud. Not Lots of love.
Lou: Fuck! I sent the condolence message to everyone in our family with LOL in it!
***
*Claire was new to US, therefore asked her aunt Lou to drop her to college everyday and pick her up after classes. First day, early morning while driving to college, Lou gets a call*
Lou: Hello? Debbie? Why are you calling me? I'm driving. Only 5 minutes before the class commences. I got to hurry up.
Debbie: Did you forget something?
Lou: Uh? I don't think so.
Debbie: Check your passenger seat.
Lou: *checks and finds it empty*
Lou: Shit! I forgot Claire!
***
*Lou and Debbie walk in to see Constance, Daphne, Nineball, Amita and Tammy passed out, and Rose looking at them confused and terrified*
Debbie: What happened to them? Drunk much?
Rose: Uh... No, not drunk. We were all taking Which Harry Potter character are you? quiz. Constance said it is the most accurate quiz that maps our personality with the character.
Lou: Okay... And?
Rose: I told what character I got and they all fainted.
Debbie: That's ridiculous. How did they faint? Why did they faint?
Rose: I don't know. I have no clue about the quiz or the Harry Potter series.
Lou: What accurate personality did you get that made them faint?
Rose: Someone named Bellatrix Lestrange
Lou and Debbie: *fainting instantly*
***
Debbie: Stop changing the Google logo everyday. I like the original one.
Nine: uh... What do you mean?
Debbie: *showing Chrome homepage with Google's doodle of the day* yesterday the logo was different. why did you change?
Nine: Debbie, it's the Google doodle. And I didnt change and I cannot change google logo. Google does that.
Debbie: Even in my computer?
Nine:
***
Daphne: it's illegal to be hotter and more beautiful than me.
Lou: Well, Debbie never did anything legal.
***
Lou: Debbie's lipstick is really good
Tammy: You finally kissed? Wow!
Debbie: No. She ate a piece of my lipstick while drunk.
***
Amita: I am useless
Constance: No. You are not. You can be still used as a bad example
***
Tammy: Where are the eggs? I told you to buy eggs
Constance: I bought something better.
Tammy: what?
Constance: *holds up a white feathered chicken* her name is fluffy.
***
*After a silly fight, angry Debbie going out on her daily errands*
Lou: Have a good day.
Debbie: Don't you dare tell me what to do!
***
Lou: I have no fear in my life.
Debbie: What if you wake up one morning and see Constance being taller than you?
Lou: WHY WOULD YOU PUT SUCH THOUGHT IN MY MIND! NOW I HAVE ONE FEAR!
***
Lou: Baby, you jealous?
Debbie: No
Lou: Are you jealous?
Debbie: No
Lou: Are you jealous?
Debbie: No
Lou: well, then can I get a kiss?
Debbie: WHY DON'T YOU ASK THAT BITCH WHOSE PIC YOU LIKED ON FACEBOOK!
***
*Lou looking after Tammy's house while Tammy and her family are on vacation*
Lou: *on phone* Do you believe in ghosts?
Tammy: No. There's no such thing as ghost.
Lou: Oh. Strange. You know, your maid thinks otherwise.
Tammy: Maid? Who?
Lou: Your lazy in-house maid who doesn't do anything.
Tammy: My in-house maid?
Lou: Yeah. The one who stays in the basement. She told me she saw a ghost in this house.
Tammy: LOU! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! WE DO NOT HAVE ANY MAID!
***
*Young Lou visiting US for the first time and the cop stops her*
Cop: you are driving on the wrong side.
Lou: Oh, I... I'm Aussie
Cop: *arrogantly* Whatever you are, did you come here to die?
Lou: *being a typical Aussie* No, I came here yesta-die (yesterday)
***
Debbie: I may look calm and poised but in my head, I've already killed you 3 times in last 5 minutes
***
*Tammy's husband Tom calling Lou to ask about a book*
Tom: Lou, do you have that new book 'Husband:- the master of his wife' in your collection?
Lou: Sorry Tom. I don't collect comic books.
***
*Amita on a date*
Amita: So, what do you do?
Man: I work at Google. What about you?
Amita: I google while at work.
***
*Toddler Lou playing in kitchen floor when her father Liam walks in, calling his wife Helen*
Liam: Helen, honey...
*Lou throws her toy at Liam's leg*
Liam: Owww! What happened, kiddo?
Toddler Lou: *angry* Dad, don't call her Helen. Her name is mum!
***
Constance: Why do men get tired after one or two rounds of sex but women have the ability to go whole night?
Lou: A road never ends but fuel does.
***
*Lou talking to Tammy*
Lou: I finally went to a strip club last night!
Tammy: *mocking* While you were there, did you see anything you were not supposed to, kiddo?
Lou: Yeah. Your husband and his busty assistant
***
*Lou in a relationship with a girl*
Lou: This is important. It's about our relationship, I...
Girl: Lou, it's we. Never I. There is no I in relationship.
Lou: There is I in...
Girl: Listen! Hereafter, you will never say I when talking anything in regards to our relationship. You'll always say WE.
Lou: Okay. Uh... Well then, We slept with your cousin last night.
***
*Tammy gets pregnant for 4th time*
Constance: *looking at her tummy* you pregnant?
Tammy: *frustrated* No, I got stung by dick
***
Daphne: I was born cute and rich. What about you?
Lou: Naked and bald
***
*Lou and her girlfriend in bed*
Girl: Talk dirty to me, Lou
Lou: *ignorant* kitchen, bathroom and storage
***
*Lou's girlfriend takes her to couple's counsel*
Therapist: Your girlfriend says you never buy her flowers
Lou: In my defense, I didn't know she sold flowers!
Girlfriend: *walks out, angry*
***
*Lou at the therapist's office*
Therapist: Your name?
Lou: Lou Miller with no F
Therapist: Uh... There really is no F in Lou Miller
Lou: That's what I said
***
*Lou and Debbie participating in couples competition*
Host: Lou Miller, do you ever feel you are being dominated by your wife Debbie Ocean?
Debbie: No, she doesn't.
***
* 3 years into Debbie and Lou's relationship*
Debbie: What do you say? How about we spice things up and try something new?
Lou: Spice? I am allergic to chilli. You know that!
Debbie: *sighing* I meant in bedroom
Lou: I am allergic to chilli everywhere. Bedroom, kitchen, living room... Everywhere
***
Debbie: What's wrong?
Lou: I had a tough day at club.
Debbie: Oh baby. Can I help you with anything?
Lou: I would love to have your oral support
Debbie: You mean moral support?
Lou: No
***
Lou: Arguing with Debbie is just like trying to read Terms and Conditions on websites. Eventually you just give up and say 'I agree'
***
Lou: Baby, I bet I can make you scream just with 1 finger
Debbie: *smirking* really now? Let's see how-
Lou: *pokes Debbie's nose hard with her index finger*
Debbie: AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH LOU YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
Lou: See, I told ya! I won the bet!
***
Tammy: Marriages are made in heaven
Lou: So is lightning, thunder, tornadoes, hail, hurricane...
***
Debbie: Why is Tammy fuming in anger?
Lou: She gave silent treatment to her husband for a week. Didn't speak a word to him
Debbie: And?
Lou: Last night he told her 'Hey, we are getting along pretty great lately'
***
Tammy: I am earth sign. Tom is water sign. Together we make...
Lou: Mud
***
*Lou and Claire texting*
Claire: Do you remember how you gave me your old phone as birthday gift?
Lou: Yeah?
Claire: I was playing around with it and...
Lou: and?
Claire: Uh... Nice pictures of Debbie
Lou: Shit!
***
*Morning after the night of extreme partying*
Debbie: You won't drink hereafter
Lou: *hungover* why?
Debbie: Last night you were so drunk, you almost jumped down from 15th floor singing I believe I can fly
***
*Lou, extremely lazy, still in bed around 11 am*
Debbie: *pulls the comforter away from Lou*
Lou: What the-
Debbie: Downstairs in ten minutes
Lou: *whining* Why?
Debbie: Have some work for you.
Lou: if it requires me to wear a pants or a bra then it's not happening today
***
Lou: I don't have a short attention span. You have a short interesting span.
***