TW: violence, abuse, suicide, sexual harassment
SHAN
"Yes. I'm mad at the one who did this to you... I'm so mad that I might not be able to control myself once I see him out there."
I could feel all the anger building up inside me while listening to Kierra's story. I could probably already feel my blood going up to my head. Nag-iinit ang ulo ko kahit hindi ko pa siya nakikita.
I knew he was a fucking asshole, but he just went lower and lower. I could never look at him as a human being anymore. After what he did... He was just an animal to me. A monster.
I didn't know how to face him in school. I tried my best to ignore his presence pero lahat ng sinabi ni Kierra ay bumabalik sa akin. Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang ballpen habang nagsusulat sa index cards ko at gumagawa ng notes sa library. Miguel just passed by and saw me studying kaya hinatak niya ang upuan para maupo siya sa harapan ko.
Muntik ko nang maputol ang ballpen. Padabog akong tumayo at niligpit kaagad ang mga gamit ko. I never wanted to be in the same space as this fucker.
"Woah, grabe ka naman, bro. You're hurting my feelings," he teased, smirking.
"Get the fuck out of my sight," I hissed. My hands turned into a fist. I was trying so hard to control my anger but seeing him would never be the same after what he did to Kierra. I could never even breathe the same air as him.
"What did you just say?" Padabog din siyang tumayo kaya tumama ang upuan sa kabilang table. May mga lumingon sa aming estudyante, nakakunot ang noo dahil naiistorbo sila.
It was so embarrassing to even be in the same place as him. Kinuha ko lahat ng gamit ko at nagmamadaling umalis. He just couldn't leave me alone and even followed me to the parking lot. I wanted to leave the campus. His presence was making me throw up.
"What the fuck is your problem?! Hindi pa tayo tapos!" Hinatak niya ang braso ko pero kaagad kong inalis ang hawak niya.
"Don't fucking touch me," giit ko. Maglalakad na sana ulit ako paalis nang hawakan niya ang balikat ko at hinatak ulit ako.
"What? Is this about Kierra again? Ano na naman b'ang pinagkakalat ng baliw na 'yon?" He even laughed. His laugh echoed loudly in my ear.
I was patient. I was controlling myself so hard. I stood there with my hands turned into a fist. In my head, I already punched the shit out of him but I stood there, doing nothing. I can't... I can't hurt anyone. I practiced control for years. I can't ruin my life for this guy.
He looked at me with a smirk on his lips and eyes full of amusement. I wanted to throw up. Fuck, my stomach was turning. He disgusted me so badly.
"I know every fucking thing you did, Miguel, so if you'd be a little kinder to yourself, you will leave, because I could kill you right now," I said through my gritted teeth.
His face didn't change. "I'm so scared." He laughed again before looking at me seriously. "So, you know everything? Sinabi niya rin ba sa 'yo kung gaano siya kadamot? Sex lang, ayaw pang ibigay, eh. Tell me, did you guys do it already? Damn, I would be fucking mad..."
Fuck. Fuck... Fuck! Control... I needed control. My breathing was getting heavier and heavier... but I promised I would never become a violent person. I practiced control for a long time so I could never be like my dad. I despised him. I also despised the person in front of me. I tried not to listen to all the bullshit coming out of his mouth, but each second he mentioned Kierra just made me angrier.
"Are you getting mad?" He stepped closer to see my face clearer. Nilapit pa niya ang mukha niya habang nakapamulsa at natatawa.
"Does your dad know how much of a fucking dumb ass you are in law school?" I asked, raising a brow. That changed his expression. I just pulled a nerve. "You're probably the biggest disappointment of your family... not that your family is even a bit respectable. Maybe that's why your mom left you... because you're fucking horrible."
I got punched. It could already be ruled as self-defense if I hit him right now.
He did not stop there because I did not fall down the concrete. My head just turned sideways with the blow. I wiped the blood on my lower lip but as soon as I looked at him again, he grabbed my collar and gave me another punch.
"You don't know shit about my family!" he yelled at me.
I did not fight back. I controlled my anger. I just pushed him away and massaged my jaw. No fighting back. I can't.
I just turned my back against him and started walking faster to my car so I could never go back again. His punch made me feel something. I went back to my senses because of that.
Not fighting back was not a sign of weakness. I just built so much control over the past years and I couldn't lose that. I could never let that happen again... the moment when I almost killed my father for choking him.
I got bruises. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I was reminded of my young self. I felt sorry for myself as I put some band-aid on the side of my cheek. Was I failing him again? What should I do?
"Ano 'yang nasa pisngi mo?" Kierra noticed... but I couldn't tell her that her ex hit me because I provoked him.
"This is nothing. Just an accident."
But one excuse led to more lies. Ever since that day, Miguel and his friends started picking on me. Last Friday, they took me to a dark place and tied me up in a fucking chair while they circled around me. I didn't know what the fuck was happening.
I just looked at their faces so I knew who to target next time. I wasn't planning to tell the authorities because he was a Villaflor... and I already knew no one would pay attention to what I would say if I did that. I just planned to get back at them soon.
"Do you know why you're here?" tanong ni Miguel at lumapit sa akin na may dalang baseball bat.
Classic. Like my fucking dad, but with the golf club.
"Yes. You're scared because I know what you did," I answered.
He was easy to figure out. He was a coward, that was why he planned to intimidate me because that was the only thing he could do to someone like me to keep my mouth shut. Death threats, intimidation. Everything that could be punished by the same law we were studying.
"Aside from that..." He got a chair and sat in front of me. "You're getting on my nerves, man. Hindi na sana tayo dadating sa ganito kung hindi lang matalim dila mo."
"Because I told you how useless you are to your family?" I laughed sarcastically, but it was cut off by a punch.
"Everyone, leave!" he yelled. While everyone was walking away from the scene, he went around and cut the rope that was tied to my hands so I could be free. He grabbed my collar and forced me to stand up.
"What?" I provoked, raising a brow.
"You better start shutting your damn mouth about my family. You don't know what I could do," he threatened me. His family was his soft spot. I was probably right. His father was always cleaning his mess. He was such a disappointment.
"Of course, you can do everything because Daddy will always save the day," I sarcastically said, laughing a bit. "But your family probably despises you too. Is that why you're always living alone? Because no one wants to be around someone as stupid as you."
Binitawan niya ang kwelyo ko at nilapag ang baseball bat. Sinandal niya ang siko niya roon at tiningnan ako na parang may hawak siya sa akin.
"Kierra..." he started talking.
My facial expression changed as soon as he mentioned her. He knew... my weak spot. He knew what to say to get on my nerves.
"Maybe it's time for me to pursue her again, don't you think?" His lips formed a playful smirk as he watched my eyes turn a shade darker. He knew it would get a reaction from me.
I couldn't talk. He really was holding something against me. It was like he had his hands on my neck.
"Don't... ever come near her," I threatened.
"It depends on how well you behave." He gave me a pat on the head like I was his pet. He laughed and stepped back. He knew he already won the moment he mentioned her.
I didn't know what to tell Kierra anymore. Every day in law school was like living in hell. Miguel would always ask me to do shit like buy him lunch, share my notes, and when he wasn't in the mood, he would hurt me and I wouldn't fight back.
I wasn't scared of him but I was scared of what he could do to the people around me. I told Kierra different kinds of excuses. I had a fight in school... which was partly true because Miguel and I had a heated argument in one recitation and everyone laughed at his answer. He was pissed and blamed it on me. He asked for a fight outside school because he knew I didn't like fighting back.
I knew how to fight back... but I knew it wasn't time for that yet. I can't destroy my life for him. As long as I could... I was planning to hang on and survive law school. Binalak kong tiisin na lang lahat dahil alam kong ako ang masisira kapag may ginawa ako. Hindi pa ngayon.
"Bakit mas nag-aaral ka na ngayon? I mean... Noong first year ka sa law school, parang lagi kang nasa coffee shop. Ngayon, bihira na lang kasi nag-aaral ka," Kierra told me.
"I want to top the bar." That was my goal. My new goal.
"Huh? Kailan mo na-set ang goal na 'yan?"
"When you told me your story... Because of that, I want to study harder, work harder, until I could put him behind the bars."
That was my time to fight back. I will fight him back using the law... using everything I studied. If it wasn't because of that, I would have already quit law school. I had a purpose. I was motivated to do better... to be the best. I could only survive by having a goal. Kaya ko kinakaya lahat dahil alam kong may patutunguhan lahat ng 'to.
"You're not a fucking child, Miguel. I can't give you everything you need just to pass," I told him when he asked to get my case digests.
"Have you forgotten your place?" Hinatak niya ang buhok ko patalikod para mapatingala ako sa kaniya. "You're just my fucking dog."
He and his friends would hurt me for fun. I still didn't submit to him. I just didn't fight back. I couldn't... because I was not a violent person. I didn't want to become the one I despised the most.
But one day, I saw how scared Kierra was when she saw him in a convenience store... when he tried to talk to her and come near her. He would do that again just to piss me off. He was that kind of person. I had enough.
I asked Miguel to see me at the back of an old building. He came with a smile on his face because he knew what he did. He knew he successfully pissed me off.
As soon as he went near me, I grabbed his collar and pushed him until his back hit the wall of the old building. A flash of fear passed through his eyes when he saw how mad I was.
"I thought we agreed that you will not show yourself in front of her ever again?" I gritted my teeth, ready to punch him in the face.
"Beg for it, then." Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay at ngumisi.
I moved my fist up and almost punched him in the face, but I just purposely hit the wall beside him. I didn't feel any pain in my knuckles, but I knew they were scratched. I was breathing heavily, trying to control my anger. In the end, I just let him go and took a deep breath. Umatras din ako at napamasahe sa sentido ko. Kierra's reaction kept on flashing back in my mind.
"You know, seeing her again, I think I still have feelings for her." Inayos niya ang polo niya at pinagpagan ang likod ng pantalon. Mas lalo akong nagalit sa sinabi niya.
"Fuck that. You never loved her!" I yelled.
"I know where she lives. Maybe I could just show up again in front of her unit and tell her how much I still love her... and care for her... right?" he continued.
"Shut up..." My breathing got heavier and heavier.
"I also love control, Shan. Maybe I like it too much. Nakakagalit kapag hindi mo kontrolado 'yong nasa paligid mo, kapag hindi mo makuha ang gusto mo. Kailangan mo pa silang pukpukin at saktan..." He hit me in the face. I tasted blood on my lip. "...para gumana sila nang maayos."
"You can hurt me all you want... Just don't drag other people into this." I wiped the blood using my thumb.
"Ah, you're so fucking in love, bro." Tumawa siya nang malakas. "Beg on your knees if you're willing to do everything for Kierra."
I refused to do that. I never begged on my knees before. I would never... ever beg on my knees. Not in front of him. Not in front of the Villaflors.
I remained standing until he walked towards me and pushed my shoulder down until my knees hit the floor. Then, he stepped on my shoulder and pushed me back a little so he can see my face. I glared at him as if I could kill him with my looks.
"And that's why you shouldn't love. Because love is a weakness. Where did that get you? Begging on your knees in front of me..." He looked so proud.
"I'm not fucking begging," I hissed, putting one knee up. "I would never beg."
"I warned you about that woman." He laughed and moved his shoes away from my shoulder.
He walked away while laughing while I stayed there, one knee on the concrete. Napaupo ako sa sahig at napasabunot sa buhok ko. I couldn't think properly. I wanted to hurt him so badly... but I wasn't that kind of person. I didn't want to be that person. I will deal with him legally. I couldn't solve anything with violence.
But he was already threatening the people around me. What should I do? The authorities can't even be trusted at this point.
I felt so bad every time I lied to Kierra... but I was also scared. Ever since I was a kid, I would always lie because I was scared of feeling more pain. I was afraid that if I told her... she would feel my pain too. I was afraid that she would blame herself... and that would hurt me more. If I told her... will anything change? I thought of that a lot of times.
I thought not knowing would save other people from my own battle.
It was my birthday. I had a lot of things going on with law school with all the exams. Hindi na nga ako nakakatulog kakaaral, tapos maiirita pa ako kapag pumapasok dahil nakikita ko ang mukha ni Miguel. My life was hell, but Kierra was a paradise. I could only rest whenever I was with her.
I never knew I could love someone like this. I never even knew that I could love. Kahit kailan, hindi ko nakita ang sarili kong ganito. Okay na ang buhay ko nang walang minamahal... but she came into my life and that changed everything.
She asked me if I could see a future with her. Yes... If I could only spend all my tomorrow with her, I would gladly choose that option... but I wasn't sure of what was waiting for me at the end of the line. I had my own battles that I had to win. I had a purpose. I had a goal that I knew was dangerous enough to make me feel uncertain about the future.
But as long as I could... I would want to spend the rest of my days with her.
"Shan, before you go, I have a gift for you!"
My car was parked outside school so I had to walk to go there. The sidewalk was dark with only the street lamps on. I was eager to go home because it was already late and I was so tired. It was my birthday too. I wanted to spend my birthday with Kierra. I wondered where she was.
I stopped walking when Miguel stood in front of me, showing me his phone. "I sent it to your email. Look at it."
He sent me an email with the subject 'Happy birthday, Shan!' and attached an image. My brows furrowed as I clicked on it and it loaded on my phone.
The phone almost fell out of my hands when I saw the image. It was a picture of Kierra in her underwear. She looked surprised by the light coming out of his phone.
There was something that clicked inside me. I felt that level of anger I never knew I could feel before. I was mad... I was so mad that everything just looked like blood.
I immediately got his phone away from his hand and threw it loudly on the floor, breaking it into pieces. His lips parted, shocked by what I did.
It didn't stop there. I stepped on it over and over again as he watched. I poured all my anger into stepping on it. The glass on the screen was shattered and the screen was already black.
When it was already unfixable, I dragged him by the collar until we reached the darkest place in a corner. There were no people around. I threw him against the wall and wrapped my hand around his neck until he couldn't breathe. I watched him cough and try to catch his breath but I just held his neck tighter. Not enough... Not enough. No...
I let him go.
"I've had enough of your bullshit! Fuck!" I punched him in the face. He fell down on the floor and tried to talk but I sat on his stomach and grabbed his collar. "Where else did you have that picture? Where?!"
"Just my phone! My phone!" he quickly defended himself. "I fucking swear!" He was fearing for his life. He was alone and didn't have his friends with him.
Tumayo ako at kinuha ang bag niyang nahulog sa balikat niya nang kaladkarin ko siya papunta rito. I got his laptop and broke it using my knee. He screamed in agony as I threw it on the floor and stepped on it again until the glasses on the screen scattered on the floor. My shoe hit on the screen repeatedly as he watched. The keyboard pieces were all over the floor.
"I don't have a fucking copy anymore! Stop it!" he yelled.
It was not over yet. Breaking the laptop into pieces did not do anything with my anger. I walked toward him again with his laptop in my hand when he still had the energy to stand up. I hit his face with it so hard that his lips bled and he fell to the floor.
"What? Are you going to kill me?" He was fearing for his life but he still managed to give me a playful smirk to provoke me. "Kill me! You will go to jail! I will make sure of tha-"
I stepped on his neck and threw his laptop away. I didn't want to hear him talk anymore. If only... If only he could never talk again for the rest of his life.
I stepped harder on his neck as he tried to cough and catch his breath. He was just hitting the floor using his hand, trying to get himself out. When he couldn't breathe anymore, I grabbed his collar and forced him to stand up.
"I will drag you with me to the end of these fucking pits of fire if that's what it takes to bring you down. I don't care if I go down with you. None of us will make it alive," I said through my gritted teeth.
I went back to my senses for a bit and managed to stop myself. I let him go and started walking away with my hands inside my pocket... but he talked again.
"I will sue you! You will not only go to jail, but I will also fucking kill that bitch for talking shit about me!"
I snapped.
I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I walked so fast towards him and punched him in the face. I sat on his stomach and punched him over and over again until my fist was already full of his blood.
He wasn't talking anymore. I stopped as I tried to catch my breath. My chest was heaving while I was still seated on his stomach, my hands full of blood. It got on my polo too.
His face was already full of blood when I stood up. I thought he was already dead because he was already unresponsive but he still managed to form a sentence.
"You... are just like me all along."
I stopped walking when his words hit me. I slowly looked down at my bloodied hands. When I saw them, my hands started shaking. My lips started to tremble. I felt fear. I ran to my car and tried to catch my breath. I was breathing heavily. I smelled like metal... like blood.
I was a criminal.
I drove so fast while my mind was flying elsewhere. Hindi ko na alam kung paano ako nakauwi. My mind was so lost when I went home. I was just staring at nowhere. I was shaking out of fear.
Seeing Kierra just heightened my fear. I was scared... of myself. I was scared of what I did... and what I could do. I can't... I can't do this.
"No! Get away from me!" I yelled.
I couldn't be near her. No... I couldn't... I was a dangerous man. She will hate me... She will leave me... She will... fear me.
"Ano'ng nangyari? Bakit ganiyan ang hitsura mo?"
"Please, Kierra... Just leave. Just leave me alone." Tears fell down my face. I begged her to leave. I can't be around her anymore. I... I was like them all along.
I cried and begged her to save herself. I wanted to tell her to get away from me because I was dangerous but I couldn't breathe. My head was spinning. I was scared of everything around me. I was scared of myself.
"Stay... away... from me..." I tried to breathe. I couldn't. It was so hard. My heart was beating so fast and I could feel myself close to passing out.
"Bakit ba?"
I fell to my knees on the floor and saw my bloodied hands again. "Go, please... Please... I'm begging you. Please go..." I begged again. "Just go!"
When she tried to touch me, it was like I got burned. "Don't touch me! Don't even come near me!"
"Ano b'ang ginawa ko, Shan?!" she yelled. "Kausapin mo ako! Nandito naman ako! Ipaintindi mo sa akin ang nangyayari dahil naguguluhan ako kung ano ba ang nagawa kong mali para ganyanin mo ako. May nangyari ba? Bakit umuwi kang-"
"Stop asking and just leave!" I cried more. "Please... It's not safe with me anymore..."
Save yourself, please. Get away from me. I'm dangerous. I'm like my dad... I'm like the man you hate. I'm a monster. We were... We were all the same kind.
"Leave! Now!"
That made her leave. I cried louder and screamed louder. I threw some stuff on the floor. When I saw a broken vase, I tried to kill myself with it, but I felt weak and I just fell to the floor with blood around me. I could see traces of blood everywhere. I was just on the floor, crying and screaming in pain.
The smell of blood. The smell of a monster. That was me.
I frantically washed my hands and watched as the water turned red. I stared at the blood and cried more. I hit the mirror in front of me and the shattered glass fell on the floor and to the sink. Blood was running from my fist down to my forearm but I couldn't feel any pain.
"Fuck... Fuck you... Fuck you!" I screamed again to myself.
I was crying so badly while I cleaned the floor and hopped into the shower, removing every trace of blood in me.
It was like I was hoping that I could remove the sin in my body.
The control I had. The control I built for years. They were gone. I became a monster. I submitted to violence.
I cried while I was in the shower. I cried all night. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to end everything. Takot na takot ako sa sarili ko. Ayaw ko nang lumabas.
The next day, Alfred was calling. He asked to see me in his office. I knew what it was about even before I got there.
"Villaflor called..." he started.
He slapped me in the face but I couldn't feel any pain. I was just looking down on the floor with my bandaged hands turned into a fist.
"Don't... hurt me," I begged as the tears fell on my face. "Please..." I didn't know what I could do. I was dangerous.
"What were you thinking?! They want to press charges! You almost murdered his son! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
I didn't talk. I didn't answer. When he hit me again, I felt something. It was not anger... I felt... punished. I thought... that I deserved it after what I did. I was like an animal out of a cage. I was waiting for the next pain but someone called. Villaflor called him and they talked again.
"We are going to the hospital! You better apologize!" he yelled before dragging me out.
I didn't know how we arrived at the hospital. When I entered the room, Miguel was already glaring at me. There were bodyguards surrounding him, and his father stood up the moment he saw us.
He looked so mad but he still greeted my father. He was already expecting an apology when we walked into the room... but I didn't know how to say it. Why... Why would I apologize to them? They were horrible people too.
"I want you to beg for forgiveness," he said in an authoritative voice. "Or we will make sure you'd go to jail. Do you know what that means? You will have a hard time finding a job in the future. I'll also make sure that you can't proceed with law school. You should be thankful that your dad and I are friends and I am giving you another chance.
"What are you waiting for?! Get on your knees!" my dad nudged me and yelled.
I looked at Miguel with so much anger. He was alive but he was full of bruises. He couldn't even talk and just watched me. He looked scared to even be near me.
"Kneel!" My dad kicked the back of my knee to force me to kneel.
My other knee hit the floor. I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I was trying to stop my tears from falling as I slowly put my other knee against the floor. I looked so pathetic in front of them. In the room full of monsters... including me.
But... They should also be punished. Why... Why was it only me who was begging for forgiveness? Didn't they ruin more lives? Unfair... It was so fucking unfair.
I went so low that I could not recognize myself anymore. At that moment, I just wanted to be gone for everything to be over. I wanted to end it.
There was no point in living anymore. What if I hurt more people in the future?
"We're very sorry..." my dad was even more pathetic. How could he ask others for forgiveness when he couldn't even ask for mine? Kitang-kita ko sa sahig ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko roon habang nakayuko at nakaluhod sa kanila.
Everyone around me disgusted me. I wanted to throw up again. I felt sick to my stomach, just being in the same room as these people. Pathetic... I was so fucking pathetic.
"I want to hear it from him." Miguel's dad pointed at me.
"Just say it for fuck's sake," my dad whispered to me.
I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes.
"I'm sorry," mahinang sabi ko.
I didn't know how long I was kneeling in front of them. I felt sick. All I could think about was ending it right there. My dad just forced me to stand before we left the room.
"You're not going to see that woman again!" he told me. "You think she will be safe in your arms? You almost murdered someone. If you'd be kinder to her, you would save her from yourself."
How could he say that when he was the man who I thought was going to murder me every day when I was a child?
"That woman does not deserve someone like you. You're out of your fucking mind for almost killing the son of my old friend. You just risked our family... my business. You risked the lives of everyone around you," my dad added.
Pathetic. Everyone was pathetic, including me.
I stayed in my condo and refused to go out... but I still had to go to school. Wala akong kinakausap kapag pumapasok. Uuwi ako kaagad. Hindi rin ako dumadaang coffee shop. I was walking like a criminal. Tinatago ko ang sarili ko.
Miguel dropped out of law school so I never saw him again after what happened at the hospital.
Kierra texted me constantly but I couldn't face her. I couldn't be with her anymore. I can't risk that. I was scared.
To: Kierra
I'm breaking up with you.
A tear fell down my face as I sent that. I couldn't even see her in person to end our relationship. I was scared of being near her.
Tears fell down my face until I saw droplets of them on the screen of my phone. She replied but I just cried more when I read them and typed my replies.
From: Kierra
Kausapin mo ako in person. Magkita tayo bago mo sabihin 'yan
To: Kierra
What part of that did you not understand? It's as simple as that.
From: Kierra
It's not as simple as that. KAUSAPIN MO AKO PUPUNTAHAN KITA DIYAN
I turned my phone off because I knew she will keep on calling. For the next few days, my staff kept on telling me that she was always waiting for me in the coffee shop. I wanted to go... I wanted to hold her again, cry on her shoulder, and tell her that I was tired... but I knew I couldn't be with her anymore in the state I was in.
"I'm sorry," I whispered while I looked at my lock screen. It was a picture of her, smiling. "I'm sorry, my love..." My lips quivered as I cried.
She went to my condo to talk. It took a lot to stop myself from hugging her tightly. I wanted to be in her arms again but I couldn't... I couldn't anymore. I was not stable enough to be in a relationship. If I told her... Will she fear me? What would she think of me? I was, once again, scared that she will start looking at me differently.
I thought I already hurt her enough for her to stay away but she saw me in the coffee shop and asked for us to talk again. The timing was so bad. Ericka, Helen, and I talked in the staff room so I could explain what happened.
"We just showed him a photo of her just in case he would meet her somewhere. It might just be a coincidence, Ericka..." sabi ni Helen.
"If you have been with her all this time... then why didn't you tell us anything? You could have asked about Yanna once before and updated us... or Hiro. He's your best friend. Does he know?"
I felt guilty... because I never told Hiro about it. I was sure that he would understand but I still felt guilty. It was like I betrayed a friend. After everything, he did for me... especially when we were kids.
"Enough about Yanna, please! It's done! Hiro's not coming back. She's already out there, happy, reaching her dreams again, so what is the point?"
"Huh? Isn't that why you pursued her in the first place? To ask where Yanna is?" Napailing ako sa kaniya. "Are you together? I thought you and Helen have a thing going on..."
"What?" Kumunot ang noo ko.
"Or am I wrong? Is it that girl from your school? 'Yong nakita ko sa lobby ng condo mo the other day? Ang dami... Is everything still a game to you? Maawa ka naman sa kanila... They look like genuine people!"
"What the fuck are you on, Ericka? I have only ever loved Kierra so please, stop looking at me like what I did was a crime!" I yelled.
"Guys, stop fighting, please." Pumagitna na si Helen sa amin. "Ericka, we should go. You're already drunk. You don't know what you're saying."
"Is it wrong to love, huh?" I asked again, not stopping. My tears were already forming in the corner of my eyes. I was so tired of everything. I felt like everything I did was a crime. "Does it hurt so much because it's wrong? Is it why it hurts so fucking bad?"
"No, Shan... It's not wrong," Helen told me. "I'm sorry..."
"Did you tell her?" I glared at Helen. Helen shook her head immediately. "So you're concluding things again," I told Ericka. "Leave me alone... All of you."
I went out of the staff room. Kierra went out of the restroom near the staff room and looked at me like she was so hurt. I concluded that she heard what we talked about in the staff room... but probably not everything.
"Bakit sinusundan mo pa ako, ha? You avoided me for weeks like I was carrying a disease!"
"Did you hear what we were talking about?"
"So that? That was your worry all along? Oo! Narinig ko! And I fully understand now!"
She asked me about them... Although they were not true, I contemplated whether to just let her believe them so she could finally accept the end of our relationship. Maybe... if I disgusted her enough, she would stay away.
"Yes, I did all those things. You're right. I did a lot of horrible things, Kierra, so it will be better to just stay away from me," I warned her again.
"Wala lang ba ako sa 'yo?"
I can't... I can't even look her in the eyes when I lied. "Yes..." No. No... She was everything to me. Everything.
But I can't do it anymore. I cannot do this anymore.
"You knew what I've been through..." she broke down on the floor, crying loudly. "You knew... You knew and you still..."
It wasn't enough. I had to be more aggressive. I need her to hate me more.
"So would you rather force me to stay in the relationship? For what? For me to fix you?"
I even felt the pain in my chest when I said that. I felt so horrible. I was... I was disappointed in myself. I was mad at myself for hurting her like that.
"I don't need you to fix me!"
"Then act like it!"
The way she looked at me pained me a thousand more, but I deserved it. The only time I couldn't feel numb was when it involved my relationship with Kierra. Fuck, it hurt a lot more ending it in person and seeing her crying in front of me.
"I did a lot of horrible things! I used you, I lied to you, played with your heart, and hurt your feelings many times! Why can't you just let it go?! Stop fighting for it because I'm tired! I'm tired of pretending that this relationship matters to me!"
Lies... Everything was a lie. I lied... like my mom... like my dad... I was a liar. She looked at me like she hated me. I deserved it.
"Please, Kierra... Just leave me alone! Stop hanging onto this relationship like your world revolves around it, and show me that you can do shit without my fucking presence!"
I probably already went too far... The hatred in her eyes was justified. She would probably leave me alone now.
I knew she can do it. I knew she can walk away from me. I knew she can do a lot of things even without my presence because I knew she never needed me. She will do greater things without me... because if she stayed, I knew I will just end up pulling her down with me.
I had a place to go... and it was hell. I will drag those monsters with me. I will continue to fight... without her by my side.
"I am not broken for you to fix me," mariing sabi niya. "I never needed you... and I will prove that to you. You're nothing to me now."
It hurt... but she was right. She never needed me. It was me... who needed her. It was me... who only found my peace with her. But it was time to let it go. I could never live in peace now... because I knew I did horrible things.
I watched her walk away as the tears started streaming down my face. Napatakip ako sa mukha ko at agad pinunasan ang mga luha ko para hindi niya makita. I needed to look like I wasn't hurting, although my heart felt like it was being stepped on and broken into pieces.
"Ciandrei," she called. Huminga ako nang malalim para pigilan ang hikbi ko bago ako tumingin sa kaniya. "You... disgust me."
I knew that was what I wanted to happen but it hurt so bad. I couldn't breathe anymore as I felt more pain in my chest. Parang dinudurog ang puso ko at pinipiga lahat ng dugo roon bawat segundong lumilipas.
I just gave her a small smile... It was probably the last smile I would give her because we won't see each other again.
Everyone was right... I wasn't good for her. I was never the man for her. I will just ruin her life more. I will just hurt her more.
The universe was like telling me that one taste of happiness was enough... kaya binabawi na sa akin lahat. Was I really an evil person? Why should I be the one suffering like this?
I wanted to do a lot more with her. I wanted to be with her for much longer... until death. I planned to stay with her for as long as I could. That ounce of happiness... Was that already enough? Can't I have a bit more? I suffered enough. I... I had also been through enough.
I was great at carrying my sufferings with me... but it didn't mean that they were not heavy. Why can't I... ever... be happy?
But I did horrible things so maybe this was really meant to happen for me.
"Save yourself," I whispered.
I felt dead. I punished myself over and over. I regretted it a lot. I went to therapy. I went more often until I could feel that people were safe around me.
I went back to my hobbies. I went out with my friends. I continued studying... working harder... but I still felt empty.
I felt punished every day of my life. When will it be over? Once I finally achieve my purpose... Maybe... I could finally feel like I did enough.
But maybe I deserved the pain... and I deserved more of it. Everything was not enough for what I did. I needed more. I needed more danger. Only then I would feel that I could finally be happy.
Only then I would feel that I was already forgiven. Until the end of my time.
________________________________________________________________________________
.