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Truth
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Chapter 42: Truth (Jules's POV)
"Ow!" I whined, accidentally banging my knee against the bathroom counter as I pulled a pair of shorts on.
"You okay?" Christian called out from the other side of the door.
"No," I mumbled mostly to myself before pulling my top on and then screaming, "Christian!"
The door opened and Christian stood still, leaning against the doorway. "Yes, Milaya?"
I held out a hair tie over my shoulder.
He walked in, chuckling softly, and took the hair tie, gathering my hair over my shoulders and tying it off into a ponytail before wrapping my hair around his fist and tilting my head back, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek and jaw before letting go, twirling a strand of my hair around his finger.
I giggled sheepishly before brushing my teeth and washing my face all while Christian watched, having already done this for himself. I sighed loudly once I dried off my face and felt Christian sliding that ponytail open, raking his fingers through my hair once before I spun around, looping my arms around his neck and closing my eyes, resting my chin on his shoulder.
"You seem really tired all of a sudden," he mused, rubbing up and down my back.
I hummed, "Hold me."
"You're going to have to come up here then," he replied, his hands sliding down to grip my thighs.
I pulled myself up, locking my legs around his torso and clinging to him as he held me, making my smile into his shirt as his hands moved up my thighs hesitantly. "You can touch me," I laughed.
"Not more than this until you're sober, Milaya." He held my ass instead as he left the bathroom, turning the lights off and closing the door before walking us to the bed and sitting at the foot of it, holding my thighs as I remained in place, straddling him. "Don't want to get off, do you?" he questioned.
I chuckled, "No." My eyes traveled across his face, taking in every inch of his skin, almost testing myself to see how well I had it memorized. "Did you miss me?" I whispered.
"More than anything," he answered.
"Then why did you hurt me?" I frowned, brushing his hair back and out of his eyes.
"I didn't have a choice," he whispered.
"There's always a choice."
"Then I made the one that was best for you. It wasn't a risk I was willing to take."
Leaning forward, I hugged him, resting my chin on his shoulder, wondering out loud, "I wasn't worth the risk?"
"Of course you were and you still are, Jules. But I couldn't risk losing you for the worst."
Pulling back in confusion, I asked, "What do you mean?"
He held my gaze. "Are you sure this is the best time for this conversation?"
"I don't care. What do you mean?" I persisted.
"You're finally home," I said, watching Christian walk into the penthouse while I sat in the open living room, waiting for him to get back.
"Yeah," he said simply while sliding his tie off and heading straight upstairs.
"Christian, come back, please. I need to talk to you," I said without standing up, folding my arms across my chest.
He chuckled dryly, "Why don't we do this later today? I'm exhausted tonight, Jules."
"I'm not calling you to argue. Don't worry..." My eyes followed him as he made his way over and sat down across from me. "Even I'm sick of arguing every night like we're crazy."
"Oh, great. I can't wait to hear this," he scoffed, leaning back in his seat. "Always had a flair for the dramatics, haven't you? It's in the Declan bloodline, I suppose." His jabs hardly bothered me anymore, I had gotten used to them.
I stared at the engagement ring around my finger while fidgeting with it, constantly spinning the band around.
"Jules, what do you want to talk about?" he huffed, impatience pouring out of him.
"Christian, we've been engaged for a year now. But these past few months have ruined everything."
"You think I don't know that?" He lifted a brow.
"I don't know what you do and don't know since we don't even talk to each other anymore," I said, still staring at the ring. "But this isn't right."
"What is?"
"Whatever this relationship has become." Lifting my eyes, they met his. "We've been fighting a constant battle for a little too long."
"It's been three months, so? We've been engaged for a year, it hasn't been that long."
With a shaky sigh, I replied, "Well, I don't want to wait till it's too late."
"For what?" he demanded in frustration.
My heart was pounding and I could hear my own heartbeat. "I think we should stop."
"Stop what, Jules?"
"Whatever this is, it should stop." I held his gaze. "We should break up."
He stared at me for a beat before blinking in confusion and chuckling humorlessly, "Are you serious?"
I stared back at him.
"Milaya—"
"That's the first time you've called me that in three months. Did you notice?"
He quieted down, listening to me.
"Christian, I love you. Of course, I love you. But this just isn't right. All these arguments, these fights, this... distance we keep wedging between us... it isn't right. This is not how it was supposed to be. You weren't supposed to hurt me like this."
"We're a couple, Jules. Couples love each other and they fight. But you don't drop your armor at the first one."
"There shouldn't be a need for armor in a relationship, Christian! I'm with you because I want to spend the rest of my life falling deeper in love with you. I want to grow old with you, I want to live life with you. I don't want to spend it all trying to hold a relationship together as it falls apart. A relationship that I'm in all alone. You're hardly home, you don't tell me anything anymore, you don't even kiss me anymore. This is our house but I feel like I'm living in it all alone. You're here but you're not."
"Jules, I'm trying. I don't know what more you want from me."
I stared at him and slowly shook my head. "You're not hearing me. I don't want anything from you. What I want is for both of us to stop being so miserable. Clearly, it's being together that does that. Maybe we did the wrong thing, maybe this was a mistake?"
"You think it was a mistake?"
"Well, I'm starting to. It feels like everyone was right. Everybody knew but me that this wouldn't last, that we wouldn't be able to make it work. You're listening to me but you're not really hearing me. I feel like I'm living with the ghost of you. You're asleep before I get into our bed and gone the next morning before I can wake up to kiss you good morning! You come home and shut yourself out in your study and if I go upstairs and spend my night waiting for you, you sleep on the couch or you escape to the guest room! I can't help but feel like you don't want to be with me anymore, like you don't want me."
"You know I need you here."
"I don't care, Christian," I snapped sharply, "I don't fucking care. I don't want you to need me, I want you to want me. But you don't even really need me," I scoffed. "You just wanted me when you met me and now you're done with me. Isn't that what it is?"
"Of course not, Jules!" He groaned, dragging his hands down his face. "I love you, you know I do. This is just..." He trailed off, watching me. Breaking his gaze first, he glanced down and shook his head. "Maybe you're right. This is too hard. It shouldn't be so complicated."
Why did the truth hurt so much more when I heard it from him? I already knew it, I knew we were falling apart. I expected this and I was prepared to end it all tonight. I just wasn't prepared for it to break me so bad.
"Maybe we rushed it all."
"You asked me to marry you," I said, staring at my ring.
"Maybe I shouldn't have," he said after a long pause. "Maybe this really is just a mistake. We're both unhappy with each other and have been for a long time. Clearly, this isn't something we can just talk about."
"It was until it wasn't. Because you started shutting me out, Christian. You stopped talking to me."
"You say every word to me like it's an accusation, Jules. I guess it's my fault for not being able to handle you but the truth is, we can't keep dragging this along. So tell me, what do you want?"
"I want you, Christian."
He huffed, "Tell me what you really want."
"You."
He watched me.
"It's always been you. The only difference is now you don't want me. And that leaves me feeling like I'm fighting for something that isn't there, something that doesn't exist. I live with you in this house, we eat together every night, even sleep in the same bed most nights. But I have never felt so alone," I said, fighting against the lump in my throat as my chest physically began aching. "Tell me, am I fighting for something that isn't there anymore, Christian?"
He dropped his gaze to his hands. "Maybe it was never there, to begin with."
"Do you really feel that way?" I asked, blinking back any tears as I dipped my head down, staring at the ground, unable to look him in the eye.
"I do," he said. "Do you still love me?" he questioned.
"Does it matter?" I sniffled before clearing my throat, willing myself not to cry.
He wouldn't get to see me that way, not anymore. Not when he was the reason I was breaking down and falling apart. "It matters."
"Of course, I love you," I sighed, lifting my eyes to his face, only then taking in his bloodshot eyes. "Do you love me?" I asked. All I wanted, all I've ever wanted, was for him to say that he did.
"Will you stay if I say I do?"
I nodded.
"Why?" he asked, sounding so exhausted, so drained.
"That's enough for me to stay. I don't need any other reason. If you love me like I love you—"
"I don't."
The rest of my words died down in my throat.
"I don't love you anymore," he said, inhaling shakily as the words poured off his tongue.
I couldn't even bring myself to wipe the stray tears off my cheeks as I felt my heart breaking into little pieces inside. "I'm glad you told me. It looks like you've been holding that in for a while," I mumbled, tracing my ring one last time before I began to tug at it. "Why did you even ask me to marry you?" I asked, struggling to hold myself together.
"I don't know," he mumbled, shaking his head. "I regret it. I'm really sorry."
"Have you ever even loved me? Does any of this mean anything to you?"
"Jules, if I've ever loved anyone, it's you. I just can't love you more than this," he said softly.
"Tell me why."
"Jules—"
"I deserve that much." I wiped my cheeks, staring back at him.
"I just can't."
It felt like a dagger was plunged into my chest. The fact that he had no reason for it hurt more than if he had one.
"Then I have nothing else to say to you," I said, my voice shaking as I forced the ring off, tugging at it repeatedly and twisting it in every which way before I slid off. "I'll leave tonight. Right now."
"It's late. Please. Please, stay till the morning—"
"No," I shook my head, "I have no reason to anymore. I'll send someone to get my stuff."
"Jules—"
"Just give me five minutes down here by myself. I'll be gone before you know it."
He swallowed, reaching for my hands. "Jules—"
I pulled back. "Go."
He left and I spent my last five minutes in our home crying all alone with my head in my hands, left to wonder where it all went wrong.
Before Christian could come back downstairs, I was gone, my ring being the only thing I left behind for good. A few weeks after we signed all the building paperwork, he never saw me again.
.
.
.
.
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Chapter 42
Guys, when I said this book is ending soon, I meant like 3-5 chapters more to go but I might add a few more cuz I'm gonna miss themmm
next ch: love
let's see what Christian has to say for himself, shall we?
also, there WILL be smut, so don't worry. I won't end the book until I've written a good few chapters of it for my smutty besties out there (including myself lmao) <3