Morgan Sinclair
3am
The bedroom door flings open, Grayson with a mischievous smile throws a blood bag at me. I catch it before it could hit me and he laughs at my startled expression. "You're gonna hit me one of these days." I say lowly.
"Gotta keep you on your toes Sinclair." He smirks. "Now hurry I gotta throw it out, Chloe's awake."
I widen my eyes with a smile plastered on my face. "You're killing me." I take off the top of it and down it. I use my enhanced speed, appearing right in front of him. Almost imperceptibly- he jumps. His eyes wander up and down my body. "Gotta keep you on your toes Spencer." I grin, handing him the empty blood bag.
"Goodnight Morgan." He says fighting back a smile exiting my room.
Over the last month and a half Grayson has made it a habit of his to sneak me an extra blood bag at least once a day. He'll find some way to get one to me, it's like a daily drug deal. It's probably the thing I look forward to the most everyday. We'll fight back laugher in our attempts to keep it a secret, handing it off like a football, getting yanked into rooms, or having one tossed into my room in the middle of the night. So far we've made it a month and a half with no one finding out.
Aside from these brief moments, passing glances between each other is the extent of our relationship. I wish it were more. Ever since we both said that kiss was a mistake it's back to business as usual. He'll tease me every now and then and I still roll my eyes but I find myself looking forward to it. I wish I didn't agree with him when he said it was a mistake. But maybe it was the best thing to do, if he thought that and I didn't it'd be awkward right?
The next day I spent isolated to my room. As the clock moved closer to midnight my anxiety rose and my sadness deepened- clinging onto every inch of me. It's nothing new, I always get this way about my birthdays.
This one feels significantly worse than the 20 I've had before. I just don't know if it's because I'm now a vampire and my emotions are all over the place. Or because my family isn't here. Or possibly because I'm hungry. Maybe all of the above.
At 11:30pm I force myself out of bed and make an attempt to find alcohol in this place. I decided I don't want to be mentally present for midnight. I eventually find myself in one of the dens spotting a bar in the back of the room. "Finally." I whisper to myself. I walk behind the bar checking out what's there. In need of something strong, something that will get me fucked up and quick- Moonshine. I see that clear nondescript jug. Pulling out the cork top my nostrils are assaulted with the strong alcohol scent. I take a large but fast swig of it.
Physically recoiling at the taste. I gag a bit and involuntarily shake. "Jesus." I say before I take a deep breath preparing to do it again.
I wander around the house for about 15 minutes trying to find a place to black out peacefully as I take sips of what is probably just 100% ethanol. I see double doors leading to an outside area and open them taking a step through the door when I see Grayson sitting there leaning on his knees and trying to light a joint in his hand. He looks up at me with a blank expression.
"Oh sorry I'll go find somewhere else." I start backing away towards the door.
"No sit, come drown your sorrows." He pats the stone next to him as he brings the joint up to his lips.
"Who said I'm drowning my sorrows?"
He takes the joint out, exhaling while he places the lighter down next to him. "You're coming to a secluded balcony to drink alone because you're happy? Sounds about right."
"I'm gonna go-." I say, continuing my backing away to the door.
"No wait. Come, sit." He motions his head to come over.
Reluctantly I walk over sitting next to him on the stone balcony. He holds out his joint to me and I hold out my bottle, he tilts his head in approval. Switching substances, I take a hit while he takes a sip. Out of the corner of my eyes he recoils right after tasting it.
"What the fuck is that?" He stares at the nondescript bottle.
"Moonshine." I exhale after taking the deepest inhale of my life, looking to be crossed and incoherent stat. I zone in on the large puff of smoke forming in front of me.
"See there's drowning your sorrows, then there's dying." He says, handing me back my bottle. I take it back and give him his joint back.
"I didn't plan on being mentally present thought this would do the trick." I take a sip of the moonshine.
"Well you're not wrong."
"So why are you drowning your sorrows?" I turn to him.
"I'm not." He says looking out into the night.
"The joint, the not one but two empty scotch bottles next to you, and the fact you're alone on a secluded balcony says otherwise." I point out.
"I just came out here to think."
"Think?" Even in just the dim light of the outdoor light right outside the balcony door I can see how red consumes the whites of his eyes. And he looks... sad almost.
He laughs weakly. "It's a shock but I do that sometimes."
"About what?" I ask.
"Stuff. Things." He states.
"Very descriptive."
"That's my strong suit." He smirks at me but it lacks strength. "I'm just having a day." I nod in agreement as I take a swig, wincing at the harsh liquor managing to agitate every one of my taste buds and burn as it travels down my throat. "What's your issue?"
I stare at the pitch black sky and the stars and crescent moon illuminating the earth. I turn to look at him, he looks on waiting for my response. I figured I'd be discussing this with myself tonight. "How crossed are you?"
"Why?"
"I'm trying to gage how likely you are to remember any of this."
"Oh at this point not likely." He chuckles.
I nod and turn back looking into the bottle. There's not much left, I drank quite a bit of it making my way up here and I mean it was only a liter.
I take a large swig of the battery acid disguised as alcohol, as prep to speak. "So tomorrow or really today is my birthday." I don't know why I'm telling him this. I do like that he most likely won't remember or at least only remember a blurry version of it.
"So what's the issue?" He says, inhaling.
"I don't really like my birthday. I don't make a big deal out of the whole day, but my sister Lindsey, knows how I feel about the day. So every year, at midnight she and I would sneak out. Walk to this shopping plaza two blocks away, get some fries at the diner and sneak back in. She said she wanted to at least start off my birthday with something fun happening." I take a sip of the disgusting liquor.
"It was a small thing but it meant the world to me." I clench my jaw briefly. "Now... She's not here. My whole family isn't here. Today is just reminding me of that extra hard. They have no idea where I am, how I am. I mean for them it's been like three months, they probably think I'm dead." I say looking down at the stone beneath me, not wanting to believe what I just said. I wipe away a stray tear rolling down my cheek quickly before Grayson could see. "So yeah um... I'm hoping to drink enough to not remember the date."
A brief silence ensued before Grayson inhaled then deeply exhales. "My brother's wife gave birth to his first child a couple hours ago."
"Congrats."
Grayson reaches in his front pocket pulling out his phone. "He sent me a picture." He holds out his phone showing me a picture of his brother smiling widely holding his newborn child. "He had to send me that in secret."
"What do you mean in secret?"
"He's not supposed to be speaking to me. I was disowned, banished, excommunicated, all those fun words." He flicks the roach to the floor and I stare at the faint smoke coming from it.
"From Kendrick?"
"No. Kendrick didn't claim me as his child until I was 17 and Chloe begged him to do so. But my father did when I was 1. When he married my mother he took me in as his own." He shoves his phone back into his pocket and reaches over grabbing the bottle from my hands. He takes a large swig of it. "They're all lycans. They weren't the biggest fan of my vampire side. I was uh... made to believe that it was a flaw. I hated it so I ignored that side of myself for years, not feeding properly, hating when I did even though it was literally needed to survive." He takes another drink of the alcohol, handing the bottle back to me.
"When I was 16 I went to a local pub with my father. A fight broke out and one of the guys was pretty bloody. I ended up killing him. My father wasn't happy with that. Then we went home and neither was my mother." He sucks his teeth. "She was the alpha of her pack so me killing an innocent human didn't look good on her or the rest of my family. There was a couple weeks of deliberation that I was subjected to hearing almost every second of then I was kicked out. My brother had defended me during it but he's not allowed to speak to me, so the rare moments he does it's in secret. I've missed a lot of my families lives this is just another thing I missed."
"I'm sorry."
Shaking his head, he says. "You didn't do anything."
"You didn't deserve that."
He scoffs. "I deserve that and then some, don't you worry."
"No." I state.
"No?"
"No one deserves that. Everyone deserves a family that loves them. And you didn't deserve to be forced to hate a huge part of yourself." He clenches his jaw for a brief moment before nodding slightly, like he's not sure if he believes that. "Is your brother the only family member you keep in touch with?" I take a quick sip.
"Yeah. My younger sisters and my other brother took my parents' side. Agreed I was too dangerous to keep around, like I was a fucking rabid dog or something." He laughs. "I hate them."
"But you miss them."
"Unfortunately. I hate them so fucking much, but... I also love them." He stammered saying the word love. "No matter how hard I try to not care about them, I still do and I hate it."
"They're your family."
"Family seems to cause the most pain in peoples lives don't they? Good that we're separated by an ocean." He stares off for a bit. "So why do you hate your birthday? What's disappointing about it?" He changes the subject.
I give myself a moment to think. "I feel like it's a clear passage of time reminding me that a year later I'm still in the same spot, still just exactly the same." or sometimes even worse off. I finish the remaining liquid in the bottle. "And my friends would always disappoint me usually by not showing up or forgetting completely. Their absence is more apparent than the other 364 days."
"Then those aren't your friends." He slurred slightly.
I nod in agreement. "Yeah, took a while to figure that out though."
"Good thing you did. You don't deserve that." He looks at me with a slight smile on his face. Not his usual condescending hidden meaning smile but a real one.
"Thanks Gray." I say.
"Where did that come from? Gray?"
"I don't know it just started happening. If you don't like it I'll st-."
"Don't stop. I like it." He reaches out and grabs the now empty bottle. "I'll go get us another." He stands up and stumbles, he laughs at his own disorientation. "I'll be back if I don't pass out on the way." He walks into the house.
I sit there, swaying drunkenly but unfortunately not drunk enough to not think. I've felt my families absence this whole time but right now the vacancy is so painfully pronounced. I miss them. My parents, my sister, my brother, all of them. I wish I could hug them. I wish I could talk to Lindsey about her friend drama and the latest of her boyfriend issues. I wish I could hear my brother yelling about the Giants, or the Yankees, or the Rangers. I wish I could listen to my dad ask me a million questions about a tv show he doesn't watch. I wish I could follow my mom around stores as we buy a bunch of things we absolutely don't need. Then have my dad make a speech about how 'we have too many mugs, stop buying more.' I wish I could see them.
I wish I could ask them for help.
"I got vodka, like a normal person." Grayson slurred, stumbling as he sat back down next to me.
I laughed. "What, the moonshine wasn't good?"
He cocks an eyebrow "If you consider that to be good, I worry for your mental state."
"Hey, you were drinking it too." I say while he unscrews the handle taking a drink from it.
"I worry about my mental state as well. I can double task." He smiles. His bright blue gaze meets mine, his smile fades a bit into his half smile. Excluding it's regular hostile energy.
I laugh grabbing the bottle from him and taking several sips. Continuing to stare back, watching his eyes follow my almost every movement. "What?" I ask.
"Nothing."
I look away but he continues staring. Eventually he turns his head forward. We both sit in silence passing the handle back and forth and staring out into the night sky.
I take another drink of the harsh liquor and I look at him. Like really look at him. His chiseled jawline and raised cheekbones. His dark wavy hair still perfectly messy. The very light stubble he has as of late. But his eyes, even in the darkness I can see their bright blue color. I can see him.
"You weren't a mistake." I blurt out.
"What?" He looks to me with his eyebrow cocked.
"That night in the bleeder den when we kissed and almost... you know. It wasn't a mistake." I say. "It was a mistake to refer to it as a mistake."
I see his jaw tense. "I know." He says as his eyes explore my face.
Silence falls once more and my face feels hot. "I was kinda surprised you didn't run and tell Kellan." I say to break the silence.
"No point. He's no longer with you I have no reason to tease him. I could tease him about him being up my ass but it's not as fun."
"You were teasing him because he was with me?"
"Yes." He responds. "I would've done a much better job. You were so uptight so clearly he wasn't doing it correctly- or at all." His lips curl.
"You're an ass." I grab the bottle from him laughing as I drink.
He raises his hands in defense. "I speak the truth."
"So you were jealous?" I taunt.
"If wanting to be in his position and being annoyed that I wasn't as I stood and watched him treat you like we're in the 1950s is jealousy? Then consider me jealous." He takes the bottle back and drinks from it without breaking eye contact with me. Everything falls away like we are the only two things in existence right now.
He suddenly shoots up to his feet, stumbling as he does so. "Let's go." He says holding out his hand to me.
"The last time you said let's go we ended up at a bleeder den and we got yelled at by everyone. Not that I wouldn't mind going to one again." To be able to feel that way again one more time.
"You really loved it there didn't you?"
"I miss it." I say.
His tongue lapses over his lips, before they form a smile once more. "No bleeder den." I feel a twinge of disappointment. "Not tonight at least." He adds noting my face slightly drop. "I wanna show you something."
"What?"
"It's a surprise." He nods his head towards the ledge of the balcony. I take his hand and stumble, crashing into him as I stand. "You okay?" My hand posted on his warm chest. I can feel his heartbeat just as I feel my own speed up.
I laugh, using his body to center myself. "Yep. I'm good." I start walking towards the balcony door.
He pulls me back, preventing me from walking further. "Not that way."
I narrow my eyes as I watch him climb over the balcony ledge holding the vodka handle. "What are you doing?" I yell in a whisper. He stands up on the ledge wobbling a bit. "Get down."
His lips twitch into a smile. "Alright." He falls backwards off the ledge.
"Grayson!" Half his name comes out as a yell but quickly I turn it to a whisper as to not alert anyone in the house. I run over to the ledge looking down seeing Grayson staring up at me with that same smirk on his face.
"Come down." He waves his hand.
"I'm not gonna jump." I frantically shake my head.
"You'll land."
"You're forgetting only one of us is invulnerable right now."
He sighs. "I'll catch you." I stand looking at him still in disbelief. "Morgan you jump off that balcony right now." He says in a jokingly stern voice and I can't help but cackle.
Reluctantly I begin to the climb on the edge. I don't know why I'm doing this- my mind and thoughts just like my vision are fuzzy.
I sit with my legs dangling over the edge. "Come on." He puts the vodka bottle down on the ground and raises his hands preparing to catch me. His stumbling legs give me absolutely zero confidence in this. "Come on."
"Fuck it." I whisper. I drop, closing my eyes so I at least I won't witness my death. Instead I land in his arms. He actually caught me. My whole being started to heat up once I registered his arms and hands on my body.
"I told you I'd do it." I open my eyes meeting his eyes that sparkled with warmth, looking at me as if mine held every answer to every question he could ever have. "You may be a blurry figure but I got you."
"I can't stand you." I laugh lightly shoving off of him to be put down.
He chuckles as he grabs the vodka bottle from the floor and walks off. "Follow me."
The both of us stumble and giggle over nothing as we make our way to wherever this is. Then I see the pool as we near it. He stops at the edge just staring at it.
"The pool?" I ask standing shoulder to shoulder with him meeting him at the edge of it. He shoves me forward into the pool. The cold water rushes over my body- shocking me awake but not enough to break through my intoxication. I stand up in the pool with my sopping wet hair in my face. "What the fuck?"
He jumps in and swims over holding the vodka bottle up and out of the water. He breaks the surface in front of me. "We're in the pool." He smiles excitedly.
"I can see and feel that. Why?"
"I wanted to be in the pool."
"Oh right." I say as his hand comes out of the water wiping some of the hair out of my face, gently combing it behind my ear.
I try to ignore his touch. I also try to ignore the way the light of the pool illuminates his eyes making them glisten and glow. "Why do you like the pool so much?"
His eyes flicker between mine. "It's not the pool specifically it's water in general. It's calm. Peaceful." He unscrews the vodka bottle. "While I was hallucinating I needed that."
I lightly raise an eyebrow. "You remember all of that?" I ask. I had assumed he was blacked out during it all.
"Every second." He says looking at me with a heavy intense gaze loaded with something I couldn't put my finger on. He looks away focusing his eyes on the water as he takes a deep swig. "When I was younger." He looks up at me and blinks rapidly trying to refocus his eyes. "I'd hear my family and my pack all say things about me, about what I am. I'm nothing. I'm not one of them. I'm lesser, a thing... Under the water it muffled their words. I knew that they were talking about me but I couldn't quite make out exactly what they were saying. Water was the only peace I knew. Swam quite a lot after I killed that man." He says bitterly, slurring his words throughout.
"That's horrible."
He scoffs. "Family." He hands me the vodka bottle. I take a sip, letting the alcohol burn and feeling my face contort, he looks off for a moment before returning to me. The eyes truly are the windows to the soul. As much as he likes to pretend he doesn't have one. He absolutely does. It's complicated and dark but it's there.
"You haven't been in the pool in a while. I haven't heard you out here I mean."
"I so enjoy you noticing things I do." I push my tongue against my teeth trying to force down a smile. "I haven't felt the need to be in water. I've had you." He says casually. "However brief our moments are together." I open my mouth to speak then close it at a loss for words, I don't know how to respond to being referred to as someones peace- I've never been that for anyone. His eyes lightened exponentially as they sweep over my face, holding my stare for some time. He does that a lot and every time I can feel their allure pulling me closer to him. All he does is pull me closer to him. It's scary how much I want to give in to that feeling.
"Why do you stare at me like that?" I ask again hoping my face isn't as red as I think it is and maybe he'll tell me what he's thinking.
"You're gorgeous. Sometimes I have to just look at you." My face is definitely as red as I think it is. I clear my throat trying to gather myself. "Are you at 'not present' level of intoxication yet?" He asks filling the silence.
I chuckle. "No, not yet." I reach for the bottle, taking several gulps of it. "So what's it like living in a palace?"
"It's fine but it's not mine, it's Chloe's technically. I'm like an unwanted roommate."
"I wouldn't say unwanted." I hand him back the now half empty bottle.
Damn my tolerance is through the roof. I should be passed out or dead by now.
"Regardless. I'm only a roommate. I'm living there because Kendrick permitted me to." He says Kendrick's name with such venom.
"You don't have to answer if you're not comfortable but why did he not give you a title and a city and all that?"
"To everyone else it's because I'm too violent and wild to hold such a position but really it's because I'm a half breed. He notoriously hates lycans. The majority of his enemies are lycans. He only claimed me as a child for show. How can he hate lycans if he has one as a son?" He shakes his head. "I wouldn't even care if I received what is my birthright." He takes a drink.
"Maybe one day you'll get everything you want."
"Maybe." He crosses over to the side of the pool and I follow him. He stops and leans up against the siding, I- the same. We stand at the edge of the pool for a while passing the bottle back and forth in peaceful comfortable silence. Through the quiet I feel a strong desire for him- all of him, chipping away at my willpower.
"Can I tell you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone?" I hand him back the bottle.
"Not a word of it will leave my lips." He says placing his elbow on the siding of the pool and resting his head on his fist looking up at me excitedly.
"So if we're excluding Lucien. The whole royalty thing. The crown, the throne, the literal castle. It's kind of... cool to me."
His lips curl. "Power is a seductive beast."
"Not the power-."
He laughs. "Now I thought we weren't lying to each other."
"Alright fine. A little bit." I say lowly, fiddling with my hands.
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about. By default you are among the most powerful beings walking this earth right now."
"So are you." I retort.
He stands back up straight and takes a swig from the nearly finished bottle. "Except by most my existence isn't respected. I'm a muddled version of two species."
"No you're not."
"Oh I know I'm not. That's what ignorant fucks think. Kendrick as one of them. But you... do you even realize how powerful you are?" He asks handing me back the bottle.
"I've been known to rip things off of walls." I bring the bottle to my lips.
"No, not just strength I mean everything. You're pure vampire. There is no- I was human but got turned. No- former celestial now cursed. No- half human. You're a full blood. For most other vampires you would be more respected, more admired just because of what you are." He says as I drink what remains of the vodka.
"I don't think I'm anything admirable." I say placing the empty bottle on the stones surrounding the pool.
He scoffs and starts laughing. "You're ridiculous."
"Excuse me?" I raise my eyebrows, fighting back a nervous laugh. He laughs even more. "What?"
"God, when you finally accept what you are, you will be a force to be reckoned with."
I chuckle feeling my face heat up. "Right."
"Do you think I'm joking?"
"Have you met me?"
"I have." He says, those blue eyes of his smiling while his lips remained straight. "You're still afraid. Once you let go of that fear..." He dramatically blows out air as his eyes widen. I lower my head bashfully smiling at that thought.
"I'd like to." I say. "Not be afraid of what I am." I've started not to be but there's still this apprehension within me. "I mean whenever I give in to what I want it feels... better than good." I'd like to give in more often but I don't think that'll happen anytime soon.
"Then what's the problem?"
"My mind." I lock eyes with him. "I remember what you said. Fun and control doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. And even though I feel more controlled now a part of my mind still says everything I'm doing or want to do is wrong."
"Maybe one day it won't."
"Maybe."
*****
I didn't wake up abruptly but it feels like that. Like those times when I'd take a nap and wake up confused about everything, not knowing how much time has passed. I close my eyes trying to prolong the waking up process. I hear the birds chirping overhead, I faintly hear a heartbeat as the light breeze washes over me.
I finally open my eyes, the pool is a few feet in front of us and I'm laying on his chest. My arm lays across his body and my leg is hooked over his. I feel his hand placed on my head- in my chlorine riddled hair. Finally, I look up to see Graysons sharp jawline.
The whole night floods my memory. Now I remember why I'm outside but I don't recall how I ended up hugging him like a koala. Vodka, moonshine, and a joint definitely did the trick. I do thoroughly enjoy not waking up with the hangover I most definitely should have right now.
I stare at Grayson for some time. His head is tilted to the right so I can see most of his face. He looks so peaceful while he's sleeping.
The door distantly behind us slides open, I jump, unhooking my leg and standing up as quick as I can. Stepping away from Grayson as if being a footstep away from him will it look like nothing went on. The step I took however, was right into the forming sunspot- so if my shock didn't wake me up, the slight burns to the side of my face and body sure did. I yell in pain stepping out of the sun, looking over at Chloe standing behind us at the door.
"Yeah uh, the suns almost up but you've already figured that one out." She says trying to hold back a laugh.
"What's going on?" Grayson asks, in his raspy morning voice. God can this man stop being hot for two seconds?
"The sun." Chloe says pointing to the sun spot I just stepped in.
"Oh shit." He runs a hand over his face. "You gotta get inside." He says to me.
"Yeah." I say looking down at my burns that are healing much faster than the last time. "Um, I'll see you inside."
"Good morning." Chloe says with a big unnatural smile on her face.
I suck my teeth before forcing a smile on my face. "Yep, good morning." I hurry past her into the house.
That was definitely an interesting start to my birthday.