SEVEN'S POV
My foot taps anxiously against the jute rug sprawled in her living room. Teeth chewing on my thumb nail as I try occupy myself by taking a false interest in the horde of house plants Lilianna has accumulated. I don't know shit about houseplants, or any kind of plants for that matter - except weed. No, I don't understand the names of the plants, wouldn't have a clue the type of soil they'd need, how regularly or irregularly they need watering but yet I'm staring at these organisms with such scrutiny as if I have a fucking clue what I'm critiquing - or praising for that matter.
No, I'm no green thumb. I'm just incredibly anxious and at my wits end with worry as I wait for Lilianna to get out of the shower. She's been in there for what feels like forever, but finally I heard the squeak of her shower being turned off and now I'm waiting for her to come out.
I unintentionally hold a breath as the door opens and she appears in the frame. Dark damp hair blankets her face. A halo of slick seaweed with blonde flecks on dryer stands. Her face is clean of any blood, expression blank as she silently makes her way over to me.
"You okay?" I don't know how many times I've asked her this in the past two hours. And every time Lily replied with just a small nod. I know her head is full, I can see the turmoil crashing like waves in a storm behind her blank stare. My fingers push the wet strands back from her face, tucking them behind her ears and wincing at the sight of the swelling and faint bruises developing on her features. Her bottom lip is more full then usual, her nose a little swollen and her neck ringed with red. The hurt I feel seeing her injuries pains me more then if I were to bare them myself. It's not easy to sit here and see her like this knowing people like Destiny and Victor are out there walking freely. My only vice is that Koda has paid for his actions, and that Victor's time is coming.
My arms wrap around Lily's waist, burying my face into the side of her neck. She was almost taken away from me today, and that thought hurts even more then anything else. I feel her arms instinctively fold around my neck in response. Her soft vanilla scent and the steady beat of her heart calms me, I hope mine do the same for her. Lilianna is still as we hold each other for a slow minute, before she detangles herself from my embrace and sits on her couch.
I can only guess the kind of things she's thinking, how she's feeling right now. Shaken up by the attack but I also know what else will be haunting her mind, I went through the same thing not long ago and it took me to some pretty dark places. So dark I would distract myself with cocaine so I wouldn't have to think about it all.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask gently, sitting next to her and resting a hand over her bony knee hidden under the thick grey sweatpants she wears.
"I don't really know what to say." Lily answers, her eyes meeting mine. I can't pick out any emotion behind them, she's either feeling so many it's hard to pick one out or... Or she's not feeling anything at all. My thumb mindlessly begins rubbing circles into her knee.
"Maybe if you tell me how you're feeling?" I suggest and watch the small line between her brows flex.
"I..." Lily begins but stops herself. She looks to my hand on her knee and I squeeze it encouragingly.
"You can talk to me." I promise her while her teeth sink into her bottom lip hesitantly.
"Well I know how I should be feeling. But I... I'm not feeling... Anything." Her brows furrow even deeper at the confession, as if she's ashamed to say it.
"I killed him Seven. And I don't feel anything. I don't feel guilty, I don't feel any kind of remorse. Nothing. I just- I just don't..." I half expect a tear to fall from her eyes as she speaks but it doesn't. Her voice stays flat, not wavering in emotion. I've never seen Lily like this before and I'm not sure what to do to bring her out of this dull void.
"These kinds of things effect people differently Lil. There's no right or wrong way to feel about what happened." I tell her, my fingers graze at her soft cheek.
"You did what you had to, to survive Lily. We all do." I try remind her she's not the only one to have gone through this, she's not alone and no one - especially me - will think differently of her.
"I know." Lily agrees.
"I guess I just... Well I don't know what I expected to feel but I thought I would feel more y'know?" She asks and I nod, I too expected more. Lily shuffles next to me, folding her legs under herself and turning to face me.
"Do you remember when you first told me the things you'd done to people? And how upset and angry I was at you for not caring about it?" She asks and I nod. I remember it very well. It was the first time in a very long time I stopped and thought about what she had been saying, about my actions and how I felt about them. It kept me up at night, worrying if my lack of empathy or remorse was the beginning of my downfall into becoming a monster like Victor. She reminded me of the simple, yet very impactful, human emotions that separated paragon from monster. But yet here she was, now struggling with the same concept that she had berated me about. It saddens me to notice the changes within her because of what I've put her through.
"I understand what you mean now. About how you become numb to those instances. I don't feel anything about what happened tonight. In fact if anything I'm glad he's dead. Does that make me a bad person?" She asks, her eyes pouring into mine for an honest answer.
"No. It doesn't." I don't know how else to answer her. I don't think she's a bad person, which is true. Lily acted in self defence in this kill or be killed life. But I still note the change in her. If I were to have asked Lily when I first met her if she'd consider someone who killed another as, "a bad person," I don't doubt she would've said yes.
"Does it... Change the way you feel about me?" She asks, a familiar insecurity setting in.
"Not at all baby." My hands take her face between them to keep her eye contact. Thumbs brushing the tops of her cheeks.
"Nothing could ever change the way I feel about you." I insist. The urge to kiss her is strong but I'm not sure if she'd want the affection right now. Lily looks at me for a few beats, silently judging how much she believes my response before sighing and gently leaning her forehead against mine. We stay close like this, breathing each other in before Lily moves to sit herself over my lap. Her arms find their way around my neck once again and I lean back into the sofa, guiding her body to lay down on top of mine. She nuzzles herself into my chest and I rest my chin over her damp hair. Lily cuddles herself against me while my hands run gently up and down her back in slow soothing motions. I can feel her heartbeat against me, listening to the light ticking of calmness settling over her in my arms.
Minutes pass and neither one of us speak. When her heart plays a slow steady rhythm I wonder if she's fallen asleep but when I glance down at her I can make out the interval fluttering of her eyelashes as she blinks.
"Can I ask you something?" I break the silence.
"Mmhm."
"When you called me. You said you had something to tell me. Something you couldn't tell me over the phone." As I speak I can feel her body tensing up.
"What did you need to tell me?" I ask, slightly on edge by her physical reaction to my query.
"It was nothing." She tries to dismiss.
"It didn't sound like nothing on the phone."
"I know but it doesn't matter anymore. It was just something stupid." Lilianna tries once again to brush it off but I'm not having it.
"If it doesn't matter anymore why don't you tell me anyway?" I suggest in the gentlest tone I can manage.
"If I tell you, do you promise not to get mad at me?" She asks. For a moment I worry she may have succumbed to the charms of one the hundreds of men that want her. But it's quickly chanced off by my trust in Lily and her feelings for me. Whatever it is, it must be pretty serious for her to be worried of my reaction.
"I promise." Though I don't know if I can keep it.
"I took a pregnancy test-" Lily begins and I swear to god my heart literally misses a beat. I try keep my breathing steady and not freak out. Forcing myself to concentrate on the rest of her words while monitoring my reaction to them.
"Well I thought it was a pregnancy test and it came up positive." She continues and I become overly aware of how dry my throat is and force myself to swallow, the action turns quickly into a gulp at my unintentional dramatisation of it. My head begins to swirl at what Lily is saying and I firmly believe if I weren't already lying down I would've lost balance by now.
Lily is pregnant?! How?! Since when?! Questions, mostly irrational questions, begin to punch at my brain. Fuck. Fucking hell. FUCK! A baby? A baby is inside her? Right fucking now? Lily has a baby? Oh my fucking—
Wait.
If Lily has a baby then that means... That means I have a baby too. The thought slaps me into another dimension. And then, to my utter disbelief, the sickly panic I was feeling before subsides into a weird spark of excitement. I'm going to be a dad? As my mind processes this all within half a second, images begin to flick behind my eyes. The most prominent one of Lily, her belly round with life. She smiles down at her stomach before the image drifts off. Only to be replaced by another. Lily, much smaller now without her bump, crouched in the sand at the beach. I recognise the beach as the same one my father use to take me to, the same one Lilianna's grandmother would take her to, too. Lily smiles widely as she studies the small human playing next to her in the sand. Our child. I don't understand the warmness these images flood me with but I like the feeling.
"You're pregnant?" My finger hooks under her chin, tilting her head up to look at me.
"No." She replies and I frown confused. The images fade just as quickly as they came.
"I thought it was a pregnancy test. It was just an ovulation test." Lily explains but I don't understand the difference. The warmness I felt mere seconds ago is gone, doused before it could ever heat.
"What made you think you were pregnant?" I ask.
"Because I'm late and I had been feeling a little off but they're also signs of stress. I'm not on my contraceptive anymore and we yknow... We've been reckless lately." She reminds me. Not that I need reminding, I could never forget the feeling of being inside her that way.
"Oh." I didn't realise she wasn't on her contraception but the idea doesn't bother me as much as I would've thought it would. In fact, in those few short seconds I had believed Lilianna to be pregnant I wasn't bothered at all. I was excited, which is extremely alarming. I promised myself I would never bring a child into this life yet there I am fantasising about it.
"Are you mad at me?" Lily asks.
"No. Not at all." I press my lips to her forehead in reassurance.
"So you're not pregnant?" I clarify and she shakes her head.
"I don't think so, but I won't know for sure till I take an actual test."
"You should probably do that." I suggest and she nods.
"I had planned to but my evening went a little off plan." Lily points out. She looks up at me, eyes glancing all over my face.
"You're really not mad?" She asks and I shake my head.
"No." I don't want to admit the small disappointment I felt when she said she wasn't pregnant, neither can I admit the little hope I have that the next test she takes comes up positive. I don't know why I would want that. A baby would ruin Lily's life right now, I already distract her enough from her studies with all of my bullshit. A child is something I shouldn't be entertaining right now but I still can't get over how those images made me feel. How the idea of having my very own family makes me feel.
"Wow." Lily speaks.
"What?"
"I've been freaking out that you'd freak about this. But you're not." She rests her chin on her hands that press into my chest, letting herself stare directly up at me. Her eyes watchful of my reactions.
"Mm. Well I guess we both have underestimated each other this afternoon." I hold a strand of gold between my fingers. Admiring how soft it is, and how the hair framing her face dries quicker then the rest. Creating a golden halo around her beautiful face. Lilianna doesn't say anything, she just watches me admiring her hair.
"What will you do?" She asks me and I lift my brow questioningly.
"To Victor?" Lily clarifies.
"I'll have to find him first, then kill him." I brush the hair back behind her ear and watch the shudder roll through her at the touch of my fingers grazing her ear. Or perhaps it's from my blunt response. I'm not sure.
"And you think you could?" She surprises me by asking. Is she doubting my abilities?
"Yes." My answer is short. I don't understand what she's trying to say here.
"You think you could kill the man who has been your only family since you were ten?" Lily presses and I don't understand why she's saying this. Does she not want me to kill Victor?
"What are you getting at here?" I ask her, the offence shadowing a little of my tone. Is she really trying to sympathise for a man who has brought nothing but violence and hatred into my life? Lilianna's understanding of family is much different to mine.
"I saw how much it destroyed you when you told me about the guy in the take away store. I'm just worried that killing Victor might...send you over the edge." She's trying to be delicate. Trying not to push on any emotions but I can't help but feel pissed off by it. Her lack of confidence in me is hurtful.
"And after he's gone Seven, you'll be taking over. How many other people will you then have to kill as leader?" She asks, pushing at my nerves even more.
"I didn't ask for this, okay. I'm just doing what I have to." I don't want to think about what kind of duties lay ahead for me as Don. I will get to that when the time comes.
"Yes, but you still have a choice." Lily insists and crawls back off of me. We both sit up as the conversation builds a tension between us.
"A choice? Is that a joke? I've never had a choice in any of this shit. This was planned out for me when I was born. I was always going to take over from him when he decided I was ready-if he didn't kill me first. The only choice I have is to either get vengeance against the man who killed both our parents or wait till he kills me or you! That is my only choice here!" This time I don't bother to hide my irritation at her insinuating.
"Please, just listen to me. We can figure something out. You just need to look at all your options here." She begs.
"Options?! It's kill or be killed Lily! What part of that don't you fucking understand?" I stand from the couch, needing to channel the angry energy inside of me out into movement. I begin to pace around her apartment.
"Make someone else do it. Get someone else to kill him. Don't let him destroy you even after he's dead. Because it will Harry, it will haunt you more then you think." She says and I ignore her use of my name which usually brings me comfort. I don't want comfort right now, I need her to understand that there is no other way.
"Someone else can kill him and we could leave, you and me." Lily insists but I shake my head. She really has no idea. My hands grip at my hips as I stop in place.
"I can't trust anyone to do it but me. I need to know he's gone, that he can't hurt us. And we can't just run away. You have your studies and they'd come looking for me." Running is our worst option. We'd never be safe, always on edge with danger potentially around every corner. We'd never be free if we ran.
"Fuck my studies, I don't really care about them right now I care about you staying alive and not becoming a fucking king pin for the cartel! We could do it, you and me we could leave. Tonight." She suggests and my irritation simmers down at her words. Lily's words aren't coming from a place of skepticism on my abilities. She's scared for me and is desperate to shield me from the inevitable.
"We couldn't." My voice is more gentler than before. But Lily is still frantic as she stands from the couch, quickly taking the few steps over to stand in front of me.
"If my parents thought they had a chance to escape this then I know we do. Please Harry! There must be something we can do." She pleads with glossy eyes. It pains me to see her like this and I hate being the one to tell her of the formidable future. I shake my head as my answer and her tears fall.
"I don't want to lose you too. You're all I have." Lily's voice is almost a whisper, slightly coarse from the tears she's fighting back. My arms engulf her once again this afternoon.
"You're all I have too." I confess into her hair. She hugs me tight against her.
"I love you Harry."
———————————————————————
AN:
I am currently writing the last chapter
:(
Still a few left to upload though. The last chapter will be 93.