Chapter 22
"Eighty pesos para sa itim na slacks?" Nag-thumbs up pa ako sa kanya. "Good choice!"
He grinned as he checked the slacks. "You think this will fit me?"
Tumango ako. "Tapos white or gray na long sleeves na polo."
"Eh, sapatos?"
Tumingin ako sa estante ng mga lumang sapatos at agad na nakuha ng atensyon ko ang isang kulay tsokolate na sperry top sider.
I strolled over there and showed it to him.
"Ito?"
He squinted. "White long sleeves ang hahanapin ko kung ayan . . ."
"White long sleeves it is!"
Nangingiting nilapitan niya lang ako.
Nagpaalam siya sa akin para isukat sa fitting room ang mga napili ko para sa kanya. Naupo lang ako sa monobloc na naroon. Para akong bulateng sabik na sabik na makita siya. I never imagined that going shopping with him would be so much fun . . . kahit pa hindi naman mga mamahalin ang binibili namin.
I sighed as I leaned back in the chair.
Matapos ang mabilis na pagtatalo ay naging mas masinop kami ni Leon sa pera.
Imbes na bumili ng mga bagong damit at sapatos para sa nalalapit naming graduation ay napagpasyahan na lang naming pumunta sa ukay-ukay. Nag-canvas din naman kami ng mga puwedeng gamitin sa ibang boutique. Kaya lang ay pareho kaming nanghinayang sa gastos.
I want a new dress. I really do. I want to have the money to buy Leon everything he wants. Kung ako ang papipiliin ay gusto kong regaluhan namin ang mga sarili ng mga bagong bagay.
But then, if you were poor, you wouldn't have as many options. Hindi naman kasi lahat ng gusto mo ay mabilis na lalapag sa palad mo.
You want a pair of shoes? Fucking work to get them. You want a new set of wardrobes? Again, work your freaking ass. Kung kinakailangang halos masubsob ka sa kakatrabaho para lang mabili mo ang gusto mo, gawin mo.
However, in some situations, like ours . . . even if we work, even if we burn ourselves out, material things would be our last priority because we have responsibilities to take care of.
Because that is the reality of having luxury and wealth — those who do not have them are forced to just glance at the nicest things and smile to themselves because they know they cannot buy them.
"Bagay ba?"
Napatingin ako sa lalaki nang lumabas siya ng fitting room. And my eyes, being the biased ones that they were, thought that he was really handsome. Parang kahit basahan yata ang isuot niya ay hindi siya papangit sa paningin ko.
Nothing has changed. Even though we've been together for a long time, I still feel attracted to him. Mas lumala pa nga. Nariyan pa rin ang kilig kapag makikita ko siyang guwapong-guwapo tuwing sinusundo ako. Nariyan pa rin ang patagong ngiti kapag may ginagawa siya sa akin na hindi ko naman hinihingi.
"Pogi mo," I said, smiling.
He poked his tongue into the inside of his cheeks, fighting the urge to smile back.
"Okay na 'ko. Hanap na tayo ng iyo?" malambing na tanong niya. "I think a white dress will suit you. It'll complement your color."
Ngumuso ako. "Gusto mo lang na parehas tayong nakaputi, eh."
Tumawa siya. At habang nagbabayad siya sa counter ay taimtim akong nagpasalamat sa langit dahil kahit gaano kahirap ang buhay, binigyan Niya ako ng Leon na makakatuwang ko sa lahat ng bagay.
Leon could have bought himself new things, but instead he gave me his savings so I could pay my rent.
Hindi niya iyon kailanman sinumbat sa akin. He never made me feel like I owed him. Buwang-buwan, tuwing monthsary namin, imbes na mag-celebrate kami sa mga mamahaling restaurant gaya ng ibang magkasintahan, iaabot niya lang sa akin ang ambag niya, sasabihing mahal niya ako, at ipapaalalang darating ang araw na matatapos din ang mga bayarin namin.
"Let's go."
He smiled, and at that very moment, I vowed that one day I would look in the mirror and see a woman worthy of him.
Weeks went by until it was our last day as college students.
Parang imposible. Parang ang layo-layo. Pero kapag nand’yan siya, parang wala akong hindi kayang gawin. Hindi ako sigurado kung paano ko nagawang mag-aral at magtrabaho habang emosyonal na pagod sa lahat.
I wouldn't lie. There were still traces of my father deep within me. Hindi na yata mawawala 'yon. Iyong kagustuhan na ipakita sa kanya na 'yong anak na iniwan niya, nandito, nakakatayo nang mag-isa. I wanted him to shift his attention to me. Kahit isang minuto lang. I wanted to see him smile while I achieved many things.
Ang hirap burahin sa utak ng kinalakihang paniniwala ko. As a child, I saw my father as my hero. I thought he would keep me safe no matter what. I thought he'd be just like how fathers were described in books — strong and compassionate.
Akala ko, basta magaling ako, hahanapin nila ako ng totoo kong nanay. They would eat a meal with me and then tell me how much they hated themselves for ever having to leave me.
Lumaki akong pinapangarap at hinihiling iyon.
Kaya ngayong alam kong malabo na ‘yong mangyari . . . parang ang hirap baliin ng nakasanayan.
"I can't believe we're down to our last session already," Ms. Lubrica said during our mock review for the board exams for psychometricians.
Tuwing Sabado ay may ganoon kaming subject. Virtual review for boards. Hindi iyon graded pero required kaming umattend dahil tulong ito ng school sa mga graduating student na hindi kayang mag-review center pagkatapos naming maka-graduate. So, every Saturday, I'd go to Leon's treehouse, where we'd spend hours listening to Ms. Lubrica. Tutal ay online naman . . . at doon din malakas ang signal.
"Congratulations, guys, for making it through college," sabi pa ni Ma'am. "Parang dati lang, kinakabahan pa kayo kapag nasa paligid ako kasi iniisip n'yong strikta ako . . . pero ngayon, konti na lang, panonoorin ko na kayong mag-martsa."
Naramdaman ko ang paghilig ni Leon sa balikat ko at ang pagdulas ng kamay niya sa akin.
Nag-init agad ang mukha ko. Buti at naka-off cam kami!
"I still remember getting stressed out because some students were smarter than me." Tumawa si Ma’am. "Parang wala na akong dapat ituro kasi puwedeng makinig na lang sa debates ang klase."
"That's us," bulong ni Leon sa akin.
"You guys are the best students I've ever had." Nakangiti si Ma’am sa screen. "Mamimiss ko ang batch n'yo."
"Mamimiss ka rin namin, ma'am!" It was Shaira's voice. "Isasama po kita sa caption ko sa graduation picture ko kapag nagpalit na ako ng profile picture," sabay tawa.
Napatawa rin si Ma'am. "Ms. Chavez, kahit virtual review, ang ingay mo."
Nakita ko ang paglawak ng ngiti ng mga kaklase kong naka-open cam. Laptop ni Leon ang gamit namin pero nasa meeting din ako gamit ang cellphone ko. Nakabukas ang notepad sa laptop para doon ako mag-t-type ng mga aaralin namin ngayon. May commissions kasi si Leon kaya baka hindi siya makapag-focus.
"Simulan mo na 'yang i-pu-proofread mong thesis," saad ko sa kasintahan.
He shook his head as he sniffled at my neck.
"Mamaya."
He likes my neck. There's no question about that. I think it's his favorite part of my body. Gustong-gusto niyang isiksik ang sarili niya roon.
"Okay, let's get started," sabi ni Ma’am. "Mamaya na ang lambingan, ha? Review muna."
My cheeks warmed up.
"Ay, Mari, pinaparinggan ka!" wika ni Meg. "Ma'am, baka naman hindi niya kasama si Leon."
"Open cam nga!" segunda agad ni Zoey.
Sunod-sunod ang pagcha-chat ng tawa sa chat box ng meeting. Napanguso na lang ako lalo ay mukhang aliw na aliw rin ang katabi ko sa nangyayari.
"I like it when they tease us," he said, confirming my assumptions. "Kaysa kay Paolo ka nila inaasar. This is better."
"You were jealous when they teased me before with Paolo, right?" I asked, smiling. "But you were with Psyche then."
"You know I don't like Psyche," aniya.
"Pero hinahawakan mo ang kamay."
He sighed. "It's a part of the deal."
"Bakit hindi mo tuluyang ginusto? Sa akin, wala kang mapapalang lupa. Puro sakit lang ng ulo."
"Kulit mo." He chuckled, kissing the side of my head. "Ikaw nga ang gusto ko. What else do you want to hear?"
I just smiled to myself while feeling his warmth beside me. Nang magsimula ang discussion ay pinilit ko siyang simulant na ang trabaho niya. He still worked as a private tutor, but was more focused on being an academic commissioner. And I'm telling you, he's the favorite of the clients! Nag-uunahan pa silang i-book siya!
"Everything that is learned can be unlearned . . . and then relearned," kuha ni Ms. Lubrica sa atensyon ko. "Alam kong sawang-sawa na kayong marinig sa akin ito dahil paulit-ulit ko 'tong sinasabi sa inyo."
Itinype ko iyon sa laptop ni Leon na ang gamit ngayon ay ang lumang laptop ni Tita Leah.
"Natutunan ng dila mo na hindi masarap ang sinigang kasi nagsuka ka no'ng unang beses mo siyang kinain, but after many years, habang nasa school ka, 'yon lang ang ulam sa canteen kaya 'yon ang binili mo. Surprisingly . . . you have found it delicious. So, na-unlearn mo na hindi naman pala masama ang lasa ng sinigang. Nasuka ka lang talaga noon kasi siguro, nagkasakit ka," litanya pa ni Ma'am.
I nodded. I remember that there was a term for this — conditioned taste aversion.
"Ang relearning process, magsisimula ka nang kumain ng sinigang. Bakit?" she probed. "Because you realized that it wasn't as bad as you thought it was."
Sumandal ako sa upuan at hinayaan ang hanging pumapasok sa bukas na bintana na humalik sa balat ko.
"So, class, in order to learn, you must first engage in the process of unlearning. In life, it is important to keep an open mind toward different perspectives and have the ability to change your opinions when new knowledge is obtained," saad ulit ni Ma'am. "Hindi natin puwedeng irason na, ito 'yong natutunan ko noon, ito na ang paniniwalaan ko habangbuhay."
Huminga ako nang malalim, maraming napagtatanto sa sinasabi ni Ma’am.
If I can unlearn my need to make my father happy, then the process of relearning might be painful for me . . . but it will be well worth it in the end. Hindi ako puwedeng mabuhay nang iniisip ang mga taong wala namang pakialam sa akin.
"Unlearning means forgetting. Sa mga nagsasabing hindi mo kayang i-unlove ang isang tao . . . I'm sorry but that's nonsense," she said. "You can't instantly fall in love with someone. You probably just learned how to love them because you spent time with them or anything like that, but believe me when I say that you can unlearn it."
"No unlearning for you, Mendoza . . ." Narinig kong sabi ni Leon kaya napatingin ako sa kanya.
Seryoso pa rin siyang nagtitipa sa laptop niya.
Ngumuso ako. Para namang may plano ako.
"You can't unlove someone?" Ms. Lubrica chuckled. "Imagine saying that to the abused victims of their loved ones."
Umiling siya. "Even if that person is related to you by blood, you have the ability to stop loving them if all they do is hurt you. Huwag kayong makikinig sa sinasabi ng iba na imposibleng makalimutan natin ang pagmamahal natin sa kanila. It was like saying that your love for them locked you up for life."
I knew Ms. Lubrica and her words would be imprinted on my mind and heart for a long time. It was as if she always had the right words ready to go. Kahit hindi niya alam ang nangyayari sa buhay namin, parang may ideya siya kung ano ang mga dapat sabihin.
That was the last lesson we had with her. We waited for another three weeks, and now we were getting ready to be called for our graduation. Si Kat ang magsasabit sa amin ni Mill at gaya ng nakasanayan na namin ay hindi makakapunta si Karsen.
It made me sad, really. Kami-kami na lang ang magkakasama at wala pa siya sa espesyal na araw namin ni Mill.
But then I realized that she was dealing with something we didn't know about. Hindi naging madali ang pinagdaanan niya . . . at sa ngayon, ang kailangan niya ay pang-unawa.
"Congrats sa aming bitchesang Mari," masayang-masayang sabi ni Mill habang iniaabot sa akin ang isang bungkos ng rosas.
Beside her was Kat who was also smiling at me with visible unshed tears in her eyes. Dahan-dahan kong kinuha ang bulaklak habang pinipigilan ang sarili na maging emosyonal.
The last time I got flowers was when I used to compete in beauty pageants. Naging hilig ko kasi iyon noon lalo at nagustuhan ko ang mag-makeup. Bukod pa roon ay may kalakihan ang monetary award.
"Congrats din, Millicent," nakangiting sabi ko. "Wala akong regalo . . ." Said na kasi ang pera ko dahil sa binayarang renta.
"Ba't hindi ang tatay mo ang magsasabit sa 'yo?" tanong niya. "Gusto ko pa namang magpasalamat kasi pinatuloy niya tayo sa apartment."
I just smiled. They didn't know because I never told them. Si Leon lang ang nakaalam sa sikreto kong iyon. Kung alam nila, siguradong mahihirapan silang magtrabaho habang nag-aalala sa akin. Ayoko nang ipadala sa kanila ‘yon. Ayokong magtrabaho sila habang iniisip ako.
Kat walked up to me and gave me a hug.
"Mabuti na lang at hindi siya pumunta," bulong niya. "Gusto kong ako ang magsabit sa inyo."
I hugged her back, the bouquet pressing against her body. She was the skinniest of us four. Mukhang ang lakas-lakas ng katawan dahil sa mga pinapasok na trabaho, pero ang totoo ay siya ang pinakasakitin sa amin. Dahil kami ang nagkasama sa kwarto, madalas ko siyang makitang magpahid ng kung ano-anong healing cream bago matulog. Tuloy ay nag-aamoy efficascent oil ang silid namin.
"Thank you for being a mother to me, Kat . . ." I muttered. "Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kung wala ka."
Mill was just watching us with a small smile on her lips.
"Ako ang best friend mo, ah? Wala akong yakap?" she teased when she caught me looking at her.
Siya na ang lumapit sa amin at nang balutin niya kaming dalawa ni Kat sa yakap ay naramdaman ko ang pag-alpas ng isang butil ng luha sa mga mata ko.
"Parang ang layo n'yo nitong huling taon, ah?" sabi ni Mill, bahagyang nabasag ang boses. "Si Karsen, hindi na natin kasama. Hindi na rin natin masyadong nakakausap. Ito namang si Kat, syempre, may trabaho na. Hindi na puwedeng laging abalahin."
May bahid ng pagtatampo sa tinig niya.
"Tapos ikaw naman . . ." Tinapik niya ako. "Lagi kang wala sa apartment. Kapag wala sa trabaho, nasa school lang." She breathed heavily. "I felt like I was missing out on your lives, guys . . . pero tangina, proud na proud ako sa ating lahat."
Muling nagbagsakan ang mga luha sa mata ko.
"Parang dati, pangarap lang nating makaalis sa Bahay Tuluyan. Pero ngayon, may mga natapos na tayo," she added. "We were losers who finally won something."
We probably look like fools to the people who see us. Hindi pa man kasi nagsisimula ang programa ay nag-iiyakan na kaming tatlo sa gilid ng activity center. Everything came flooding back to me. The things that we had to go through, the tears and blood that we had to cry, and the suffering that we had to put up with.
Ngayon, tapos na.
Ngayon, masasabi kong malayo-layo na.
"Mendoza, Amari Sloane D., Best Thesis, Dean's Award, Academic Scholar, and BS Psychology Magna Cum Laude," the emcee announced.
It was the proudest moment I have ever had in my entire life. Para akong inihehele sa ulap. Ito na ‘yon. ‘Yong lakas ng palakpak na gusto kong marinig. ‘Yong pakiramdam ng pagbalot ng tela ng medalya sa leeg. ‘Yong dampi ng diploma sa magaspang ko nang palad.
Ang galing-galing mo, Amari. Ang galing-galing mo.
"Zamora, Leon Ysmael A., Best Thesis, President's Award, Academic Excellence Award, and BS Psychology Summa Cum Laude."
I felt a surge of pride well up within my chest as my boyfriend . . . my supportive, loving boyfriend walked up to the front alongside Tita Leah, who was sobbing uncontrollably.
"Graduates, let's all give a big round of applause to our Batch Valedictorian."
Ako ang naunang pumalakpak. Marahil ang may pinakamalakas din.
My eyes were moist and my vision was hazy because all I could think about was how proud I was of him.
Kita ko ang pagpapagod niya. Kita ko ang paghihirap niya.
And to witness him receive the honor that was justly bestowed upon him . . . I realized how blessed I am to be loved by someone so mighty and noble like him.
He gave his valedictory speech and nothing seemed to enter my head because I felt like crying. Parang ang bilis. Parang kailan lang ay pinipilit ko pa ang sarili na kamuhian ko siya. Parang kailan lang ay umiikot ang mata ko kakairap sa kanya dahil lagi niyang minamali ang sinasabi ko.
"Over the course of the past four years, we experienced both triumphs and setbacks, and we want to extend our gratitude to our friends and family members who have been there for us at every turn, supplying us with the support and inspiration that we needed. Thank you, nanay. Without you, I would not be standing here today," he said as he smiled at Tita Leah.
"This was a team effort, nay, and we accomplished so much together that it feels like we're both graduating. Thank you for being there for me as I learned to wander and navigate my way through the world," dagdag niya pa.
He took a long, deep breath, and then his eyes shot straight to mine.
"And of course, to a very special person in my life, Amari Sloane Mendoza . . ."
Nagtilian ang mga tao.
He smiled, and contentment went all the way to his eyes.
"Meeting you is the highlight of my college," he said, earning another batch of cheers from the crowd.
Tutok na tutok lang ang mga mata ko sa kanya. My heart was so full of happiness that it hurt.
"I want everyone to know what a great woman you are . . . but I know that my words will only fail me because nothing can ever do justice to you." His smile widened. "Congratulations, Mendoza. The amount of pride I have for you exceeds the amount of pride I have for myself."
That day was so emotional for me. Gulat na gulat sina Kat at Mill na may boyfriend na ako. I introduced him to them, and while we were talking, I overheard Mill making some threats to him . . . na pinakinggan niya naman.
"Siya 'yon?" palihim na tanong ni Kat sa akin.
Dahan-dahan akong tumango.
"Did he prove himself to you?"
Pinanood ko si Leon na nakikipagtawanan sa mga kabarkada niya sa iba’t ibang program. There were a lot of students who asked him for pictures, and he would look at me first, almost as if he wanted my approval before granting their requests. Tumatango lang naman ako dahil punong-puno ng kaligayahan ang puso ko para sa kanya.
"Sobra, Kat," napapaos na sagot ko. "Sobra, sobra si Leon para sa ‘kin."
She leaned on my shoulder and sighed. "Basta masaya ka . . . basta napapasaya ka niya. 'Yon lang ang sa 'kin."
I couldn't remember well what happened after that. Ang alam ko lang ay nag-Jollibee kami nina Mill at Kat para ipagdiwang ang graduation namin. Si Leon naman ay umuwi sa kanila para maghanda sa maliit na pagsasalo.
I recall putting our things in boxes in the apartment because we were moving in a few days. At last, natapos na ang mabigat na walong libo buwan-buwan. Hindi na kailangang mag-abot si Leon ng tulong sa akin dahil katuwang ko na si Mill sa pagbabayad.
Pumunta pa ako kina Leon nang gabing iyon kung saan ipinakilala niya ako sa buong angkan niya. Everyone loved me. It was just a simple get-together with people I had just met but with whom I already felt at ease.
And at exactly 12 a.m. that day, I received a message that got me crying for nights . . . and even days.
From: Mr. Mendoza
Congratulations, Amari.
Sa gitna ng paglilipat namin ng gamit, kapag naaalala kong may ganoong mensahe ang tatay ko sa 'kin, napapahagulgol ako. Miski tuwing magkasama kami ni Leon, basta maalala ko lang ang dalawang salitang 'yon, maninikip na sa saya ang dibdib ko.
I haven't unlearned how to stop loving him yet. I haven't unlearned how to stop expecting that he and my mother will one day visit me and eat a meal with me.
Hindi ko alam kung kailan ko malilimutan iyon . . . pero sana, malapit na.
Sa ngayon, habang nagtatrabaho bilang assistant Human Resource personnel sa VDMH kasama si Leon ay nag-aaral din kami para sa board exam for psychometrician. Minsan ay nakakalibre kami ng review session kasama sina Dr. Fujimoto at Mrs. Dela Paz. Kapag busy naman sila ay kami lang ni Leon ang nagtuturuan sa isa't isa.
I felt like a grown-up. I felt like I had matured over the years.
It was a slow process . . . but I'm proud of myself for making some progress.