Izuku Midoriya
Being discharged felt like a blur, everything seemed muted and weird. This is the first time I've been in a hospital without my favorite visitor and now I'm leaving, why does it feel so wrong? I hate the hospital, I hate how I'm always here, I hate how it feels in here, but for some reason, I hate leaving without Kacchan more.
Whatever.
It's not like it matters anyway.
Wait, heck.
Quickly I shook my head to chase the thoughts away, it's been so hard to stop thinking this way recently. Everywhere I look I see things Kacchan would make fun of, laugh at, or get angry at. I can hear him in my head yelling obscenities and I keep getting these phantom feelings on my neck from how often he would pull my choker to look at it. But every time I look he isn't there, he isn't anywhere, he never is.
I miss him so much.
I want to dig into my chest and rip whatever is making me feel this lost and alone out so it stops making me suffer with every breath. I don't like this, I hate it. I hate it so much.
I'm just mindlessly putting my belongings in my bag when a nurse comes in and asks me discharge questions which I answer robotically. Mom signed some papers and in another blur, I found my head leaning against mom's car window watching the colors of the world wiz by even if they felt rather dull.
"McDonald's?" I looked over at mom to see a half smile on her face, "We can see if their ice cream machine is working. McFlurry?"
I hummed a confirmation and turned my eyes back to the window, watching as we pulled into a drive-thru. I let my eyes lose focus until a cold cup was being pushed into my hands, "Thanks."
"Don't you ever think the spoons are misleading?" Mom asked as she began the drive home again, "They look like straws but they don't work like one. It would be amazing if they did though."
I hummed to let her know I wasn't ignoring her but didn't feel like replying, even if I know that the spoons are used to blend the McFlurry. Instead, I picked the spoon up and put some of the cold treat in my mouth, letting the sweetness bring some feeling into my body.
As I did in the hospital, I just let everything turn into a blur as soon as we got home. I got out, went to my room, did some homework, and then just sat. Just. Sat. I let my eyes blend everything together to try and zone out. It worked.
Until suddenly a blue blob with red in the center entered my vision causing me to sit up and refocus, on the center of my bed sat Ka-Bear. I don't know why I'm so shocked since that's where I left him but I guess I expected him to be in my hospital bag though logically if Kacchan couldn't visit me he wouldn't have made sure I got Ka-Bear and he's the only one who would. It makes sense but...
Stumbling from my chair I sat on the bed and picked the ragged old stuffy up. As I stared into his beady eyes I felt a hard lump unyieldingly rise up my throat until it began to turn my vision blurry as fat tears annoyingly began to form. I rubbed my eyes as they grew hot but it just made it worse, squeezing them hurt. I can't make it stop I can never make it stop.
Kacchan who caught me the first time I passed out, Kacchan who always held me and always hugged me even when his words weren't so nice. Kacchan was always there and now he just wasn't. Now he was somewhere hurting and alone and without me and what could I do? What can I do for him after all he's done for me? Nothing, not a thing. Kacchan is always there but when he needs me all I can do is sit on my stupid bed and cry.
Holding my chest wouldn't make it stop, it hurts. Stupid Deku should be able to just breathe, stupid Deku should've expected this, stupid Deku needs to just breathe. But I can't. It hurts so much I don't like this, I don't like this at all. I need-I just need-
"Midoriya?"
Who was that? I kept trying to breathe but all that came out were strained retching noises followed by gasping, I can't get air. It's painful I can't...
...Warmth?
Kacchan?
"Midoriya can you hear me?" The smell of cologne focused my senses on whoever was holding me, "If you can hear me can you nod your head?" Hesitantly I listened even though my foggy mind couldn't figure out who's voice this was. He sounded like a boy and he sounded very familiar too, "Just breath, okay? Worry about thinking later."
Wave after wave of unstoppable regret and anxiety wouldn't let me go but a hand rubbing circles on my back helped me keep breathing even if it was a struggle each time. I couldn't feel better but I could calm down and that is my best right now.
As if sensing my current state the man holding me spoke, "Do you think you will be okay now?" He asked and suddenly like a puzzle piece I pieced together a name to the voice I've been hearing, it's silly since the size of said arms should've given him away.
I looked up to see the dark blue irises of Iida, he was staring down with an expression that reminded me of my mother. Worry, care, I don't know. Something like that. Instead of answering I angled my head back down and tried to move closer, he's so warm.
"You want to stay like this a little longer?" I nodded letting my fingers twiddle with the ear of the toy in my hand, feeling secure like this without Kacchan was unfamiliar but I'm sick of everything being overly familiar recently. Maybe I can stay here for a while.
~~~~
I jolted alert blinking groggily, was I asleep just now?
"Awake?" Another jolt when the deep voice of Iida filled my ear. As sleep left my head I realized we hadn't moved an inch and a glance at the deep orange light streaming onto my floor let me know it had been a few hours. How did he sit here for so long?
My eyes felt crusty, probably a mixture of dried tears and sleeping for a while. Awkwardly I pressed my palms against them and rubbed them until they felt better, "Hi." I managed to get out.
"Hi," Iida replied with a chuckle. Why does he always sound like he's years older than he is? Something fell off of my shoulders from moving my hands around, when I looked Iida was already moving the blanket back onto it, "Are you going to be okay now?"
I could answer him this time and nodded, the unstoppable lump in my throat made speaking hard. Iida didn't move so I took it on myself to move out of this weird cuddling position to sit next to him, it must've been weird to sit like that with me. I'll have to find a way to thank him for the time I wasted.
Iida reached onto my side table and grabbed something which he then offered to me, "I heard chocolate helps produce serotonin so I was bringing you a care package but I didn't get the chance since..."
I accepted the box he was holding out without hesitation, opening it to see a few bars of chocolate as well as a wrapped-up blanket, candles, and a stuffed toy tortoiseshell cat. I picked up one of the candles to read the label when Iida spoke again, "The candles are lavender scented because my elder brother says lavender is a calming scent."
I glanced at Iida before putting the candle back into the box and picking up the cat which prompted Iida to speak again, "Shinsou said you liked cats so I acquired that for you." He seemed nervous so I set the cat and Ka-Bear down together on the bed, "I saw that bear earlier. He looks well-loved, is he old?"
I nodded and ran my fingers over the heart on his chest before looking back at Iida, "He-He was...Kacchan's first gift to me. The first important one at least." Talking makes talking easier.
All Iida said was, "Gifts between loved ones are the most valuable kind."
Finally, I looked at the gray blanket in the box and pointed at it while looking at him knowing he would explain, "That was a last-minute addition." He admitted sheepishly, "It's why the color is so desaturated. I asked Uraraka to pick it up while you were asleep. I thought you might need it, it's a weighted blanket. It helps people who have episodes as you did."
Episodes? Like my illness? I don't know anybody who has something similar to my condition. Wait-he said Uraraka picked it up while I was asleep. Which means...Uraraka...saw me being held by Iida...
Both hands flew to my face as it began to heat up, not Uraraka please anybody but Uraraka. She probably took a picture, she definitely told the other girls already, why did it have to be Uraraka?
"Midoriya?" Iida looked puzzled and I just shook my head, it didn't help but it did clear some of the scenarios running through my mind. Shaking my head always helped even when I was having worse thoughts than now, "Er-would it be alright if I spent the night? I think the last train left about an hour ago."
"Y-Yes!" I answered quicker and louder than I meant to, "I-I mean you can. My mom won't mind um...there's an air mattress in my closet since Kacchan..." Iida let me trail off and instead of prodding, he got up to begin setting his sleeping area up.
I feel terrible now, Iida came to drop off a care package for me and I inconvenienced him enough that he can't go home, "Did my mother see us?" Iida's apologetic smile was all I needed to groan and worry about what she had to say about it, I'm sure nothing weird but it's still awkward, isn't it? Maybe it's normal. I don't know...I've never had a lot of friends like this before. I've never had more friends than Kacchan before. What's normal and weird for Kacchan and me might not be for others...
"Speaking of your mother she said dinner was um..." Iida put his finger to his chin as he tried to recall, "A lunch...able? Do you know what that is, Midoriya?"
I nodded which I've been doing a lot tonight, "They're okay...usually, I like them but I wish it was something more." I sighed and watched Iida turn the fan on once the mattress was in a good spot.
It began filling and Iida returned to the spot next to me, "Does this area have delivery services?" He asked, "Just pick something and I'll order it." I didn't get to protest as he quickly added, "Don't worry about the costs either. Don't forget my family is pro heroes that span generations!"
In one fluid motion, Iida took his phone out and opened some app I'd never seen. Inside there were options that made my mouth water, Iida handed me his phone to pick and I accepted it with just a small twinge of guilt.
Crab rangoon, spring rolls, noodles, sushi, shrimp...this is just turning into a seafood order. I didn't know I wanted that until I started pressing buttons.
When I was done I gave the phone back to Iida who started adding his order to mine. He wouldn't let me look at the final amount owed and pocketed his phone as soon as he was done.
We entered into silence after that, at first the only sound in the room was the air mattress fan but soon Iida turned that off when its job was done.
Then the doorbell rang across the house which Iida left to answer knowing it was our food.
Finally, eating was also quiet. Not a weird awkward tension-filled silence, just quiet enjoyment of being close to somebody without having to say anything to be content in their presence.
It was nice and as the warmth of the food Iida got for me sat in my mouth I let it spread to every inch and make me feel a bit better this time before swallowing and eating more. There's still a dull ache in my chest that won't go away but at least I don't feel so...automatic and destructive anymore.