I'd been almost sick to my stomach for a good majority of the day leading up to meeting with Selene. I wasn't sure how poorly it would go, but I knew she would at least be upset in the beginning. I thought I could talk her down, but she'd shaken my nerves even worse when she asked me the question about the man she gave her virginity to.
All I could see was Porter's face and it rocked me to my core.
The angry by nature man who she recently lost her virginity to. Someone who it was 'complicated' to be with. He's toyed with her and he's toyed with me. The poor girl is waiting to understand how he feels about her. How stupid am I?
Her question messed me all up and I ended up just blubbering out that she was my sister and she didn't handle it well. I tried smoothing things over, but I didn't get the chance. She ran away and I was left there crying like an idiot once more.
I'll give her time to digest this information. I felt so bad when she had a breakdown and told me she couldn't handle anything else. I knew that was true, but the case forced me into telling her sooner or she'd find out the wrong way and things would be worse between us.
I'd been waiting for this moment for so long and it didn't feel how I thought it would once she knew who I was. Once I was able to call her my sister out loud.
But she rejected that...or is it only my dad she rejects? The whole walk over to Porter's apartment I was lost in a daze, but I knew I had to wait for Selene to calm down before speaking with her again. My next concern was confronting Porter.
He knew I would be coming over after I talked to my sister. He purposely told me to come to him so he could be there for me whether things went good or bad. Now I wonder if he was just worried Selene would tell me something he didn't want me knowing. I thought I finally got him to admit he liked me. We started dating and everything.
Why? It was killing me on my way up the elevator. Why would he do this to me? Is he so cruel?
Of course, when the elevator pinged it alerted him to my presence so he came right over. He was already out of his business clothes and in his regular casual wear. I hated how beautiful he was even in a white tee and jeans.
When he saw my crying face he wasn't surprised. He probably assumed things wouldn't go well, but when he came to embrace me he was surprised when my reaction was to push him. His brows furrowed and he took a step towards me again. I stepped and pointed a finger at him warning him,
"Get away from me." He looked confused and maybe he was. Maybe he didn't think I would know. "You're a vile human being. You know that?" I practically laughed. I was so perplexed on how I ended up here that I had to laugh. "Arizona? What's going on?" He went to step toward me again. "NO! I said don't come near me" I shouted. That got his full attention.
"What the fuck is going on?" He got angry.
I don't often get angry, but this was just too much for me. I went into a blind rage and started throwing his own gym shoes at him, which were in the foyer beside the elevator. He ended up dodging them and he kept yelling at me that he didn't understand what was going on. "You're a liar!! I knew it and yet I still said yes to dating you! I'm an idiot" I yelled at him.
"I thought we were past all this?!"
I glared at him and took a pillow from his sofa to throw at him next. He kept dodging and moving further into the apartment. "Past it?! You bastard! You manipulated my feelings for you! Why would I think someone like you would actually want anything serious with me?!" I wiped at my face that was soaked with tears.
"Baby, you're kinda freaking me out right now. What the hell happened?" he asked me with the most serious expression. "I hate you" was all I managed to get out.
"What? Arizona, what the hell is going on! What happened between you and Selene?" he dared to ask me. "WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND SELENE?!" I repeated his own question to him.
"This again?! What the fuck, Arizona. I'm not going to keep apologizing for this" he shouted at me. "Of course not, because you don't care. You use people and use their naivety against them. I hate you! I hate you!" I screamed twice.
His face twisted in anger and he charged forward and grabbed me to hold me to him. "Stop saying that!! You don't hate me, and I don't understand what's going on. Can you please calm down and explain to me why you are upset?" he huffed out. Perplexed.
"I quit," I declared. "What?" he let go of me to take a better look at me.
"I quit, and I'm done with you. Don't call me, don't come by my house, don't ever think about me again. You understand me?" I started walking backward towards the elevators but he wouldn't let me leave. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! You aren't leaving here until you tell me why you're breaking up with me and throwing shit at me" he hollered at me.
"You told me it was nothing between you and her" I barely got out. "Her who? Selene?! Jesus Christ, there is nothing between us! It was a stupid hook up that I regret more and more every day!" he fisted at his hair.
"Liar! You said it was a mild hook up! You said you didn't fuck her!" I found my voice again.
His whole face changed and he looked shocked. "Did she tell you that I did?" he asked. It infuriated me. "You bastard" I shouted, whacking him in the arm, then chest, and gut when he blocked his head. He bent over and took in a ragged breath.
"Arizona, I'm about to seriously flip the fuck out. Whatever she told you isn't true! Can you sit the fuck down like an adult and talk to me?!"
"You took her virginity. Did you know she was a virgin? Probably not seeing as you knew her for all of ten minutes before sticking it in her! And she's 18 by the way, so good on you for sleeping with a barely legal teenager. You fucking scumbag" I spat at him.
His face went blank and he just stood there. "She's 18? Whatever she told you is a fucking lie. I didn't take her virginity. I promised you that you knew all that there was to know. I told you I only wanted you. I don't care about the girl" he huffed and scratched at his head. I believe that he didn't know how young she was just by how thrown he looked, but I didn't believe anything else.
"You told me plenty of shit and I know now how full of crap you are! She told me she was confused about the mixed signals you were giving her. So how long have you been talking behind my back?! Was that whole scene you made at the hospital some big fun game to laugh at me?!" My eyes started to water again at the thought of them laughing behind my back and messing around.
"Arizona, listen to me. The girl is clearly deranged if she told you I was sending her mixed signals. I haven't talked to her since I kicked her out of your hospital room. And before that I hadn't talked to her since that god forsaken night. I'm not sending her mixed signals." He tried stepping forward again, but we were already close to the elevator and I thought about just hopping on it. He read my mind because he blocked the path.
"You have to believe me, this girl is making this up" he blocked me and tried to reason with me. "Oh? Is she? I should trust the liar over the girl who told me everything in the first place? Fuck off Porter. I'm done" I went to push him out of my way, but he wouldn't let me go.
"Arizona, stop. Just stop for a minute. I'm not fucking lying to you! Tell me what she said. Tell me everything and I will go hunt her down on the street and show you she is fucking lying" he challenged me.
"She told me a man who is angry by nature had recently taken her virginity and then was giving her mixed signals. She was asking me for advice, but I couldn't stomach even talking about you that way. I thought you liked me, Porter" I was pathetic and started to fight my quivering lip.
"I do like you! Arizona, please, don't do this. I am telling you she is lying or talking about someone else. It's not me" he promised me. I just let the tears drop out of my eyes and looked at him. "Who if not you? You're the angry man. Who the hell else would it be?!" I cried.
"How the fuck should I know? Listen, if it was me she wouldn't have come to you about it. She knew damn well at the hospital that you and I had something going on. She came to you for advice about someone else. Ask her" he waved for me to get my phone.
"She won't answer my calls! She ran away after I told her we're sisters!" I hugged myself. He tried hugging me too, but I pushed him away again.
"Arizona, listen to me. It was not me. I swear to god it wasn't me." I looked at this handsome god-like man standing over me and I didn't know what to think. "Why should I believe you?" my voice gave way. "Because I love you."
I heard it coming from Porter's voice, but the words wouldn't connect with him actually being the one saying them in my head. He wouldn't say that. I barely got him to admit he liked me. "Don't...d-don't say that just to end the fight. Don't do that" I stuttered out. It hurt my heart to hear those words and not believe them. I wanted it to be true. I really wanted that to be real.
Porter stood in front of me with an expression I couldn't quite understand. His chest was moving rapidly and he was just staring at me.
"Arizona, trust me when I tell you I have been so damn consumed with your presence in my life that I wouldn't have the time to confuse anyone else's feelings. I was too busy confusing myself. I didn't know what it was, but I figured it out the day you played the violin for me" he told me.
My brain wasn't working so I asked, "Figured out what?" Porter came closer to me and in my confusion I let him. "Somehow in the past few months you-" he stopped talking for a second and shook his head. "I?" I coaxed him to finish his thought.
"You made me fall in love with you, so I need you to believe me that whoever Selene was talking about wasn't me, because I'm not letting you break up with me." He cupped my face and looked at me expectantly. His body language showed confidence, but his eyes showed fear. I never saw him afraid before. I wasn't sure if it was fear of getting caught lying or fear of opening up and sharing his true feelings with me without knowing if I reciprocated.
"You love me?" was all I could stupidly ask. Matthew Porter doesn't seem like the type of man to just fall in love so easily. Especially with someone like me.
He sighed and retracted his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Arizona, you know I don't like being this way. Why do you make me repeat things?" he huffed. He looked nervous. I could see it now.
"It's just...you're you. You're successful, rich, handsome, and a stone. You don't even believe in relationships nevermind love. You're-" I shook my head and stared up at him in confusion and puzzlement. "I'm- in love with you" he reiterated for the last time.
My heart swelled in my chest and my hands began to tremble for a whole new reason. I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face there. I went through so many emotions in such a short period of time I was overly emotional. He hugged me close to him and said nothing while I stayed buried in the crook of his neck.
"Arizona, do you believe me?" he finally asked.
I pulled away from him and wiped my eyes. "If you swear it wasn't you then...yes, I believe you" I agreed. The thought crossed my mind that maybe it was that kid Andrew she was talking about. He didn't immediately come to mind, but I remember their vibe at Melanie's birthday party, and I could sense something there. I just accosted Porter for the past ten minutes about something he didn't do and I wasn't sure how he'd react now that I told him I was wrong.
Porter looked away from my eyes and nodded, but he looked bothered by something. Then I realized I hadn't responded to his words. I was so surprised he meant them that I didn't tell him how I felt. How I've felt for longer than I should admit.
"Porter" I called him to get his attention. His blue eyes snapped to mine. "I love you" I said outright. His eyes went momentarily wide and he looked out of his element for the first time. "Are you sure? Because you didn't say it back...you just-" he started questioning my words, but I stopped him with my lips. I kissed him long and hard before pulling away.
"I was just shocked you felt that way, and confused about the Selene thing...I'm sorry I really thought it was you. I was devastated" I told him honestly.
"Oh, don't worry. I will make you pay for all of that later. But first, you gotta tell me those words as many times as you told me you hated me" he called me out. I'd said it a few times, but I lost track of the rage I'd had at the moment.
"How many times?" I asked. "Probably 7" he shrugged. "7?! That doesn't sound accurate" I put my hands on my hips and watched him play this off like it was even the slightest bit true. "It sure felt like 7" he shrugged.
He looked so cute being his version of giddy with love. He'll never be completely mushy, but I love everything about Porter. I always have, even his harsh qualities. "I love you" I told him. He pulled me to him and counted, '1'.
I started laughing but he poked my side until I said it again. "I love you."
"Who? Are you saying that to the open air?" He really wanted to milk this. "I love you, Matt" I smiled up at him. "But you don't view me as Matt. You view me as Porter. That's who I am to you" he really pressed his luck.
"Porter, my obnoxious boyfriend who is seeking revenge, I lo-" I didn't get to finish the statement because he pecked my lips and said, "Say it nicely." I glared at him, but he just lifted his chin waiting for me to continue.
"Porter, I love you" I looked him dead in the eyes and told him the truth, even if we were joking around. Some sense of peace formed over his expression and he smiled the widest I have ever seen. It was breathtaking actually. A smiling Porter was so beautiful to me. It made me smile back.
"Why the violin?" I randomly asked mid romantic stare off with him. "Huh?" he didn't follow. "You said you were confused about what you felt until I played the violin for you" I clarified. He pulled me over to the couch and had me sit on his lap. While smoothing my hair away from my face he answered. "Because I was amazed by your talent, and then I watched you closely, standing right there with your eyes closed while you were lost in the music and I just knew" he shrugged.
"Knew what though? How did your brain say it?" I asked him.
"What the hell does that even mean? How my brain said what? Do you and your brain have conversations? Does it answer back?" he started scoffing but I shushed him.
"You know what I mean. Please, tell me. I really needa know" I pouted up at him. He groaned and looked away from me. I laid my head on his shoulder because he has an easier time talking to me when I'm not looking.
"I told you, you amazed me. I thought you looked like the damn prettiest thing I've ever seen. And when you opened your eyes and smiled at me my heart did that ridiculous flutter and I just knew you were so far under my skin" he admitted. It made me hug him closer, but I could tell he was thinking about something.
"When did you know?" he finally asked me. "Mmm, I've liked you a lot longer, so it'd be pathetic for me to admit that" I shook my head no.
"Uh, I wore a ninja turtle mask to make you smile. And looked at pictures of you on my phone like an idiot. I think we both know I loved you a lot longer than I knew I did" he rolled his eyes at me for having to admit that.
"Well, if you want one big moment then I would say it was when we were doing that trust exercise at the work retreat. You just made a comment about only staying around to enjoy the view and we were looking at each other and my mind said, 'imagine if he was talking about you' and my heart fluttered, then we were instructed to look into each others eyes and I remember thinking you were just so handsome, but then you held my hands in such a soft way that contradicted your hard posture and I just thought you were the most fascinating person I have ever met,"
"Then as the day progressed I fell harder with every new thing you helped me do. You made me laugh when you held the 'L' stick up or when you held my chin and said you found the prettiest flower. I know you weren't talking about me, but my heart just kept swelling in my chest and I realized by dessert time that I loved you, which is why it hurt me when you said the stuff you said when we got into a fight,"
I reminded him how emotional it made me when he said I was everything that goes wrong in his life.
"First of all, when I said the view was keeping me there I was talking about you. Second, when I said I found the prettiest flower I was again talking about you. I couldn't be straightforward. I was your boss, but sometimes I would let things slip. It's your fault. You are too blunt a person and I started doing shit I wouldn't normally do with being so honest that way," he practically sighed,
" And...I didn't mean what I said to you back in the room. I freaked out because I enjoyed our day together too, then you were in my shirt and I wanted to rip it off you, which stressed me out. So I yelled at you because that's apparently what I do. I'm aware that I'm an asshole if that helps anything" he shrugged down at me to see what I would say.
It made me laugh.
"You know, I met an old man on the train the day I ran away from work when I found out about Selene. We had a great talk about love and he said his wife was everything that was right about the world. It made what you said just that much harder because I wanted you to feel that way about me, instead of thinking I cause only wrong doings and problems in your life...and I know I have sometimes, but I don't mean to-" I started to explain but he stopped me.
"You didn't. We've shared some 'adventures' but it was never of your wrong doing. I told you, I'm an asshole, I just needed to always blame you" he admitted.
"Now you needa gush about me to make up for that then. Just like you made me" I kept it playful. "You threw my shoes at my head, and called me vile," he reminded me with a deadpan expression. I flinched and remembered all I said and did.
"I'm sorry" I sheepishly smiled at him.
He cupped my face and looked down at me for a second. "What?" I asked when I couldn't take the silence. "For me, you are everything that's right in this world. I didn't know how to say that before you told me about the old man. But it's true. I hate everything all the time. You know my character well, but the only right things all involve you" he admitted.
"Okay, I love you. You win" I smiled and hugged him close.
"God, I'm too mushy. I can't. We need to stop talking and start kissing" he advised me, grabbing my jaw and planting his lips on mine. His hands began to wander and I knew where he wanted to take this next.
The last 30 minutes of my life didn't feel real. How did I just think my world was ending when I thought Porter lied and took Selene's virginity, to now, him admitting he loves me? When Porter grabbed me and carried me up the stairs I stopped asking myself questions and started undressing instead.