Ever since the whole Karofsky incident (which consisted of me getting bullied by a homophobe, who I found out was also gay when he kissed me against my will and later threatened to kill me if I told anyone), I've had trouble speaking. I can converse with my dad without a problem. And it only took a few days for me to feel comfortable enough to talk to Carole and Finn, my stepmom and stepbrother, again.
It was hard being around the other New Directions' members for the first couple of weeks after it happened. As much as I may have wanted to, something would stop me from being able to have a normal conversation with any of them. I also stopped seeing them every day since I transferred to Dalton Academy - an all-boys school with a zero-tolerance harassment policy. That may have contributed to the amount of time it took to say anything to them. They were all ecstatic when I finally started talking to them again.
As for the people at Dalton, well, it was way harder and took way longer to feel comfortable enough to say anything. I suppose it was easier to open up to the people I already knew for quite some time. Although, I don't think my new classmates seemed to mind too much. Despite my silence, I've managed to befriend a group of Warblers - Dalton's glee club - probably due to the fact that my roommate, Jeff, is a member.
Jeff has been very welcoming and understanding. He was quick to introduce me to his friends, who somehow also became my friends. Even though there isn't much for me to contribute, he always manages to make me feel included, and I'm grateful that I could have a roommate and friend like him.
He became the first person I said anything to at Dalton, at least a month after I transferred. Since Karofsky, I've found it rather difficult to trust people, even though he never lured me into a false sense of security - he was a dick from the start. But Jeff was always so kind and considerate, it was hard not to trust him, especially since we constantly see each other, sharing a dorm and everything.
When I first said something to him, it wasn't this grand reveal like I sometimes worried it would be. We were in our dorm room, getting ready for Warbler practice. (I wasn't officially a member since I never used my voice, but all of my friends were members and insisted that I could stay for their practices.) We were about to leave the room when I reached out to grab his wrist. I wasn't sure where the bout of confidence came from, but I knew I had to do something about it before it disappeared again. He stopped and turned to face me. I let go of his wrist, looked down, and glanced back up to meet his eyes before saying, "Thank you."
Before that, I had no idea what I was going to say. I just knew I had to say something. I was relieved that I didn't say something completely stupid and make a fool out of myself.
His jaw dropped slightly before it was replaced by a wide smile. He pulled me into a hug that I was quick to reciprocate.
When we let go, he thanked me for trusting him, knowing that I was capable of speaking but had great difficulty with it.
Before leaving our room, I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling a little awkward about what I wanted to say. "Maybe don't mention it to the others. I don't want them to think I don't trust them, you know?"
He nodded. "I understand. I don't think they'd feel bad about it, but I'll let you open up when you feel ready."
I smiled at his response. He always seemed to know how to comfort someone. Nick is lucky to have someone like him.
We finally went to the commons for Warbler practice. The rest were already there and seemingly waiting for us, or Jeff rather, to arrive.
"You're late. Did you get lost?" Thad teased.
Jeff rolled his eyes and went to sit next to his boyfriend, Nick, while I followed like a lost puppy and sat next to my roommate.
"You're in a good mood, Jeffy," Nick said, only for the two of us to hear. He pouted slightly. "Yet I don't think it has anything to do with me."
Jeff took a hold of his hand. "I just got some good news is all."
And Warbler practice went by normally.
Throughout my first few months at Dalton, I managed to become close to the lead Warbler, Blaine Anderson. There was something about him that intrigued me right from the start, but I had no idea how to get closer to him. Perhaps, he had felt the same about me, though because he made an effort to talk to me. Despite my being unable to verbally respond, we communicated well with each other. He understood me, forming a quick connection between us, which did not go unnoticed by the other Warblers. They constantly liked to tease me and Blaine.
Eventually, Blaine asked me out, and we started dating. By then, I had been able to speak to some of the other Warblers, not nearly as much as Jeff, though. But I still haven't said a word to Blaine. I think he was slightly bothered by it, considering I could talk to some friends but not my boyfriend, who I was closest to besides Jeff. I felt bad, but there wasn't much I could do about it. I either felt comfortable with it, or I didn't. I think it could be because we are so close and not in the same way as Jeff and I were. It feels like there's more pressure, which in turn makes it even scarier. There have been multiple times where it would have been so easy to say something, anything. But something was holding me back. Blaine would always be understanding, and he never complained. But he didn't have to say anything for me to know that my undesirable silence toward him had an impact.
Until one day, the two of us were relaxing in my dorm room, while Jeff was hanging out with Nick. We sat close together, my head resting on his shoulder while he innocently played with my fingers. We sat in comfortable silence, as we often do. Not that I would know considering this was my first real relationship, but I don't think most relationships were like ours. We spent a lot of our time together just enjoying each other's company. Not to mention, we got quite good at silently communicating with each other. Sometimes we could have a whole conversation just by looking at each other - we could always seem to tell what the other is thinking. I knew it annoyed the other Warblers sometimes because they always wanted to be aware of everything going on between us. Just the thought of how nosey they could be made me want to roll my eyes; but, I still loved them.
But as we were sitting there, I realized how much I loved this boy. I don't think it was my first time thinking about it, but it wasn't until then that I was so sure and wanted and needed him to know. So I mumbled my first words to Blaine, "I love you."
He froze at the sound. I can't say that I was worried he didn't feel the same. I gave him the time he needed to gather himself. I didn't know how he would react, but I wasn't surprised by his silence. It was almost comical how our roles reversed at that moment. The mute boy made the talkative one speechless with his voice.
Once the shock wore off, he replied, "I love you, too." He kissed my cheek. "Gosh, I love you so much."
His arms wrapped around my shoulders, and he rested his head on my shoulder. He quietly rambled on, saying thank yous and how proud he was and a bunch more that I could only half make out. I couldn't help but chuckle, feeling very lucky for meeting someone like him - someone that made me feel so safe and connected.
Cutting off his ongoing mumbling, I said quietly, "I'm sorry I couldn't say anything sooner."
He looked up at me. "It's not your fault, Kurt."
"I know it bothered you, Blaine," I expressed. The first words were always the hardest. Now that I got them out, I could have normal conversations with Blaine.
"Maybe it made me a little upset that you were able to talk to some of the other Warblers before me," he confessed begrudgingly. "But I know it's not exactly something you can choose, and I understand that it's difficult."
I hugged him. "I feel like there's so much to say to you, but I'll start with thank you. I'm so lucky to have found someone like you. I don't think just anyone could put up with me like you have."
Blaine blushed, which was simply adorable. Smiling, he mumbled, "I could listen to you all day."
The rest of the afternoon consisted of me expressing my gratitude to Blaine and cuddles and random kisses.
By the time dinner rolled around, Blaine and I reluctantly left the comfort of the dorm room to join the others for food. We walked to the dining hall holding hands, and our friends immediately noticed Blaine's exceptionally good mood.
"Did you and Kurt finally do it, Blaine?" Thad teased, causing me to turn red.
He shook his head, still smiling. "Even better," he commented as we sat down.
"What could be better than-" Jeff cut himself off at his realization. "Awww, Kurt spoke to you, didn't he?"
Blaine broke out into a full-blown grin, wordlessly answering the question. I felt myself blush again, so I looked down at the table to avoid everyone's looks.
"I think you guys are even cuter than Niff," Wes said, causing Nick and Jeff to look offended. I couldn't help but laugh, thankful that I had the best friends and boyfriend I could ask for.