Chapter 18
Matapos naming kumain ng tanghalian ay nagsimula na ang team building.
Each team had a facilitator who would show us where to go next. The first ones focused more on mental challenges like puzzles and problem solving than on actual physical activities.
Ang grupo namin ang unang nakatapos kaya kami ang naunang mag-proceed sa iba pang obstacles. We then passed a hurdle through sack racing, climbed a spider web made of rope, and went to a maze of bottles where we were asked to walk through it while wearing blindfolds.
Kalahati pa lang ng obstacles ang nalalagpasan namin ay nananakit na ang likod ko. That spider web was a daredevil! Masakit sa kamay ang lubid at hindi naman ako sobrang flexible para mabilis na makaakyat!
"Kaya pa?" tanong ni Paolo sa akin habang papunta kami sa susunod na obstacle.
I was out of breath, panting, and I could feel sweat dripping down my forehead. Itinali ko na nga ang buhok ko dahil dumidikit ito sa batok ko!
God, I should've gotten enough sleep if I knew this was going to be this tiring!
"Matagal pa 'to, 'no?" I asked, almost breathless.
He chuckled. "Oo. Mga tatlong obstacles pa tapos 'yong isang major game mamaya."
I wiped the sweat from my forehead and let out a long sigh. Kahit si Shaira na kanina pa daldal nang daldal ay nananahimik na. Mabuti nga at magaling ang mga kagrupo namin. We didn't have to do much over because we got through all the obstacles on the first try.
"We can take a break if you're tired," biglang sabi ni Leon.
He cast a swift glance in my direction as he ruffled his soft hair.
"We can't," Paolo replied. "Mauunahan tayong matapos ng ibang team."
The facilitator chuckled. "You're two obstacles ahead of the second one. Puwede namang mag-water break."
Leon looked at our teammates. "Guys?"
I was hoping they'd say yes because I really needed a break! Hindi ko lang masabi dahil mukhang ako lang naman ang may gusto no'n.
"Tapusin na muna natin para dire-diretso ang pahinga," sagot ng isang lalaking kagrupo namin.
"Oo nga. Mabilis naman na 'yan," sang-ayon pa ng isa.
The rest of our group agreed. Ako lang ang hindi nagsalita. Wala na rin naman akong laban. Majority wins.
"Mendoza?"
Napabaling ako kay Leon. "Hmm?"
"You want to rest?" kunot-noong tanong niya.
Dahan-dahan akong umiling. "Tama sila . . . tapusin na lang muna natin."
He tightened his jaw before he turned around and continued walking. Siya at ang facilitator ang nauunang maglakad pero ilang hakbang pa lang ang nagagawa namin ay tumigil siya sa gilid at pinauna ang mga kagrupo namin.
I was walking alongside Paolo and Shaira when he went behind us.
Naging conscious ako bigla sa paglalakad ko lalo at ramdam ko ang nanunusok niyang tingin sa likuran ko. If Shaira wasn't too tired, I'm sure she would tease me about it already. Good thing we reached the hurdle right away. Kung hindi ay baka nahimatay na ako sa pagkailang.
"Okay, the next obstacle is called the Human Knot," sabi ng facilitator. "We can actually do this anywhere, but you need a quiet place to get this done."
Totoong tahimik sa paligid dahil sa dulo ng campsite na kami dinala. Mayroong obstacle #5 na nakalagay sa malaking puno kaya alam kong dito talaga dadalhin ang lahat ng grupo.
"This obstacle will help you communicate better, solve problems better, and get to know your teammates better," dagdag niya pa. "Now, I want you to arrange yourselves in a circle and stand closely together."
Dahil sina Shaira at Paolo ang katabi ko ay dumikit agad sila sa akin. I looked behind me only to see Leon frowning already. Paano ay wala pa kasi siya sa bilog. Kunot na kunot ang noo niyang tumayo sa tapat ko at kung hindi pa ako nagkakamali ay nabasa ko sa labi niya ang pagmumura.
I pursed my lips. Ang sungit.
"I-stretch n'yo ang mga braso n'yo at ilagay ang kanang kamay n'yo sa gitna ng bilog," sabi ng facilitator na agad naming sinunod. "Now, randomly grab someone's hand, but don't grab the hand of the person next to you."
Akmang kukunin ko na ang kamay ni Maricar nang agad kong maramdaman ang kamay ni Leon sa akin.
Magkasalubong pa rin ang mga kilay niya ngunit ang mata ay nakatutok sa akin na para bang may ginawa akong hindi niya nagustuhan.
Para akong mawawala sa wisyo sa paraan ng paghawak at pagtingin niya sa akin. He was just grabbing my palm at first, but then, I felt his fingers gently making their way to intertwine with mine.
I swallowed and turned away before he could see the emotions that were surely present in my eyes. Ang init ng palad niya ay sapat na para lalo kong hilingin na sana ay bumalik na kami sa dati . . . o sana ay hindi na siya magalit sa akin.
I don't know how long my feelings for him will last, but for now, I don't think I'm ready to move on just yet.
"Okay, 'yong kaliwa naman."
Leon took my hand again, making our facilitator laugh.
"Magkaibang tao dapat ang hawak," sabi nito.
Pakiramdam ko ay umakyat lahat ng dugo sa mukha ko. Hindi ko sigurado kung napansin ng mga kagrupo namin na kami ang tinukoy ng facilitator pero halos mapapikit ako sa hiya nang marinig ko ang mahihinang tawanan ng mga babae naming kagrupo.
I nervously took Maricar's hand while Leon quickly reached out and held Shaira's.
"Kung alam ko lang na bawal ang katabi, sana hindi ako tumabi kay Mari," pagpaparinig ni Paolo na nagpatawa sa group namin.
Leon's hand on me tightened.
Lumabi ako. Kanina pa siya naiinis sa amin ni Paolo. Kung hindi ko lang alam na galit pa rin siya sa akin ay iisipin kong nagseselos siya.
Ang kaso ay parang imposible naman 'yon dahil kung gusto niya pa rin ako ay hindi naman para tumagal nang ganito ang away namin.
I tried to talk to him a few times, but he turned me down. Siguro ay kulang pa ang effort ko o siguro ang pagtanggi sa mga paanyaya ko ang paraan niya para sabihing tapos na kami.
"So, the trick of the game is that you have to untangle yourselves without releasing your hands," nakangiting sabi ng facilitator.
"Ah, parang doctor quack quack!"
"Masakit-sakit sa katawan 'to," reklamo ni Shaira.
Tumawa ang facilitator bago tumingin kay Leon. "Mas magiging madali kung normal na holding hands lang. No need to get your fingers intertwined."
Lalong nag-init ang mukha ko habang inaayos ni Leon ang pagkakawak sa kamay ko. After that, he started giving orders to our group so that they could get themselves untangled.
"Lumusot ka rito," sabi niya sa babeng kagrupo namin na sinunod naman nito. "Umupo ka, Paolo. Tapos, padaanin mo pabalik 'to," dagdag niya pa.
My arms were crossed. I was holding Leon in my right hand and Maricar on my left. Sinubukan kong mag-isip ng paraan para maalis ko ang buhol ko pero wala akong makitang ibang daan nang hindi ko kinakailangang mapatapat kay Leon!
Maricar should sit down so that I could step over, but that would bring me closer to Leon!
"Maricar, upo ka," Leon said, as if he knew exactly my dilemma! "Mendoza, hakbang."
I didn't want to do that, but I did it anyway, and now . . . I'm just one arm away from his body! Mukhang napagtanto niya rin naman iyon dahil narinig ko ang pagtikhim niya. I tried so hard not to turn my head toward him because I didn't want him to see how red I was!
Nagpatuloy siya sa pagbibigay ng instructions sa mga kagrupo namin hanggang ang sa natira na lang ay ang buhol sa pagitan namin.
He was still holding Shaira and me, and I don't know what happened, but I ended up in between his arms! Nakasiksik ako roon habang hinihintay siyang tapusin ang mga inuutos niya na hindi ko na naiintindihan!
Halos masubsob ako sa dibdib niya. Ang mga kamay naming magkahugpong ay nakababa at kung wala kami sa activity ay para kaming magkayapos. I could hear his heart beating quickly, at the same speed I heard when he first hugged me.
"Usap tayo mamaya . . ." palihim na bulong niya sa akin.
Napakurap ako kasabay ng pagbalot ng takot sa puso ko. "B-Bakit?"
Pagsasalitaan niya na ba ako? Sisisihin? Sasabihang mag-move on?
I chuckled nervously. "Ah! Sa . . . thesis, 'no?"
He was still giving out instructions when his gaze lowered to mine.
"No," he replied firmly.
Lalo akong kinabahan. "Okay . . ."
We were able to untangle ourselves before moving on to the next obstacles, but then, Leon's words were still playing havoc with my head. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pag-uusapan namin, pero kung magkakaroon ng tyansa ay mabuting humingi na ako ng tawad sa kanya. Kahit harapin ko pa ang galit niya.
We were granted some time to rest because we had to start the last activity at the same time as the other teams. Kami ang naunang matapos sa lahat ng obstacles at kapag kami rin ang nauna sa last activity ay kami na ang mananalo.
The prize money was a good 5,000 pesos, so even though my teammates don't seem to be interested, I am. Limang daang piso rin iyon kapag napaghati-hatian.
"Sakit ng likod ko," reklamo ko kay Shaira habang minamasahe ang balikat ko. "Lagyan mo 'ko ng patches mamaya, ha?"
"Okay, basta pahingi rin."
Tumango ako. "Maraming ipinadala sa 'kin si Kat."
Nakaupo lang kami sa isang putol na puno ng kahoy habang ang mga kagrupo namin ay nagpapalit na ng damit. Shaira and I agreed not to change our clothes just yet because the last activity could also be physical. Sayang lang kapag nadumihan ulit.
"Putangina si Leon," bulaslas niya, dahilan para sundan ko ang tingin niya.
Pinigilan ko ang mapasinghap nang makita ang lalaki na naglalakad palabas ng maliit na banyo, nakaputing sando na hakab na hakab sa maskuladong katawan niya. He didn't bother changing his denim jeans, and considering that he was the one who practically did all the leading, they were starting to look a little bit ragged and dirty.
"Grabe, ang init!" tawa ni Shaira. "Thaddeus, come pick me up. Inaagaw ako ng bff mo!"
I couldn't react. Napako lang ang tingin ko sa lalaki. On his shoulder was the black T-shirt he had worn during the obstacles. Ang backpack naman ay bitbit niya lang gamit ang isang kamay.
He started to stroke his damp hair with his free hand and slowly scanned the area as if looking for something. Nang madaanan ng tingin niya ang puwesto namin ay napatigil siya. Bahagyang bumagal ang paggalaw ng kamay niya sa buhok nang magtama ang mga mata namin.
"'Te, sabihin mo lang kung kailangan kong umalis, ha?" pang-iinis ni Shaira.
Tumikhim ako. Nakita kong inayos niya ang salamin bago ako nag-iwas ng tingin.
"Magsasando na lang din ako," I announced as I stood up.
My body suddenly feels hot for some reason I don't want to fucking admit!
"Gusto ko rin!" sabi ni Shaira.
I nodded. "Tara."
Sumimangot siya. "Hindi naman ako nakapag-shave ng kili-kili."
"So?"
"Hay nako, believe me! I'm all for body positivity, but I'm not comfortable showing off my body hair. Saka na kapag may confidence na 'ko."
Nagkibit-balikat na lang ako. Kinuha ko ang gamit ko at nagpalit ng itim na sando. Mabuti at mga sports bra at tube bra ang dala ko. Hindi ko na para problemahin ang strap.
I let my loose curls fall to my waist and brushed the ends with a comb. I didn't put on any makeup because I knew I would sweat again. Kinagat ko lang nang paulit-ulit ang labi ko para mamula ito. I didn't change my ripped denim jeans either. Wala naman kasi ako masyadong dalang bottoms. Just one sweatpants and denim jeans. Gagamitin ko pa bukas.
"Ang sexy naman!" malakas na sigaw ni Shaira nang makalabas ako ng banyo.
I could feel the heat rising from my cheeks as everyone turned their attention to me. Nakabalik na kasi ang ibang team at ang game master ay mukhang ipinaliliwanag na sa lahat kung ano ang last activity dahil lahat sila ay nakabilog na.
I pursed my lips as I approached Shaira, feeling the heavy gazes that were aimed at me. Sinubukan kong hanapin kung sino ang nakatingin sa akin at lalo lang akong nailang nang makitang si Leon iyon. Paolo was sitting next to him. He smiled at me, and feeling a little self-conscious, I returned his smile.
"Warm up muna tayo," sabi ng game master nang makaupo ako sa tabi ni Shaira.
"Ganda ng boobs mo," bulong ng babae sa akin.
"Shaira . . ." pagalit na saad ko.
"Sa 'yo lahat 'yan? Pahingi naman."
I glared at her in response.
Pumunta si Ms. Lubrica sa gitna ng malaking bilog at pinalitan ang game master. Pasimple kong itinaas ang tela sa bandang dibdib ko sa takot na sumilip ang cleavage ko. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung tama ba ang desisyon ko na magpalit pa ng damit!
Si Leon kasi, eh!
"Before we do our last activity, we'll play a short game that will help us get to know ourselves," nakangiting sabi ni Ma'am.
It was nearly the end of the afternoon, so the sun rays weren't too harsh on our skin. There were only a few slivers of light that could pierce through the dense canopy of trees.
Ang laro na iho-host ni Ms. Lubrica ay hindi magsisimula hanggang sa matapos ang mga facilitator na mag-set-up ng campfire sa likod niya.
Once everything was ready, Ms. Lubrica stepped to the side, and the rest of us waited as the flame grew.
"Our mini-game is called Flashback Highlights," sabi ni Ma'am. "Now, my dear BS Psychology students, I want you to close your eyes and think about the best parts of your life. The best highlights. The ones you'll want to experience over and over again."
With the shallow heat from the campfire slowly getting in our skin, I closed my eyes and take a trip down memory lane.
Best parts . . . I think I have a lot of them.
The best parts of my life were when my friends and I left the shelter and ate together for the first time without thinking about going back.
Those times when I became thrilled because my father had gotten in touch with me, as well as the hours leading up to our first dinner together. Kung paano ako nag-ayos at nagpaganda, iniisip na totoong hinahanap niya ako.
Those times when a client tells me I'm a good makeup artist.
Those times when I went to college and learned from Ms. Lubrica. Pinagtibay niya ang pagmamahal ko sa sikolohiya, at sa mga itinuro niya, pakiramdam ko ay nakilala ko ang sarili ko.
Those times when I went to Davao and my father smiled at me for the first time, as well as the realization that I'm developing romantic feelings for Leon. Kahit masakit dahil hindi naging maganda ang mga araw na kasunod noon, the fact that I liked him and then slowly fell in love with him is something that I'll continue to consider one of the greatest moments of my life.
The heated arguments we've had, the sneaky looks we've shared, the back-and-forth of text messages and personal conversations, the times we've spent quietly studying next to each other, the tears I've shed, and the gentle, small hug we've given each other.
"Now, guys, let's say the world was going to end in thirty minutes . . . what would you like to do?"
Mag-sorry kay Leon. Sabihin sa kanyang gusto ko rin siya . . . na siya rin ang nakikita kong pakakasalan ko pagdating ng araw.
I would kiss him, and let myself be swept away by life.
I would send "I love you" messages to my friends and tell them how grateful I am that they traveled through this lifetime with me. Na kahit minsan ay mahirap akong pakisamahan, hindi nila ako tinalikuran.
They took in the shattered pieces of me that I abandoned and made a home for them.
I want to end my life by holding Leon's hand while I watch the world come crashing down around us.
That in our next lives, I wouldn't have as many wounds to heal because he had been such a big part of my healing in this one.
"Alam kong lahat kayo ay may naisip na gawin, and so the question now is that . . . what's keeping you from doing so?" tanong ni Ms. Lubrica. "Naisip n'yong mag-I love you sa mga magulang n'yo? Sa mga kaibigan n'yo? Naisip n'yong umamin sa crush n'yo? Mag-sorry sa mga nakasamaan n'yo ng loob?" she continued. "Why not right now? Why would you do that only if you were about to die?"
I bit my lower lip when I realized that I haven't been sweet to my friends and that it was still hard for me to say how I feel.
At . . . si Leon. Kailan ko ba balak umamin sa kanya?
Tama si Ms. Lubrica. Bakit hindi ngayon? Should I wait until the end of the world before letting my guard down? Kung hindi na ako gusto ni Leon, edi makakapagsimula na akong mag-move on.
I would forgive myself for not being enough. I would reward myself for not giving up.
"Do that . . ." saad ulit ni Ma'am. "Whatever you're thinking right now, do that."
I opened my eyes, and as I did, my focus went straight to Leon, who was also looking at me. His eyes were gentle, a stark contrast to the angry look he'd been giving me ever since I'd done him wrong.
Mag-uusap kami mamaya at sisiguraduhin kong makakapag-sorry ako. If given the chance, I'd say how I feel about him, too.
Whatever happens next is up to the whims of the universe.
"For your last activity, your group must make your own campfire somewhere in this area using the resources you'll find," sabi ng game master na nakaputol sa tinginan namin ni Leon. "Make sure na hindi kayo mag-isa sa paghahanap ng puwedeng gamitin. Work in pairs. Hindi naman kasi puwedeng grupohan, 'di ba? I recommend that our gentlemen go with our ladies."
Tumayo kaming lahat at pumunta sa kanya-kanyang grupo. Leon was holding our flag as he made his way to us.
"The first one to finish will receive 200 merit points, and because the Skinner's Boxers group was leading . . ." Tumingin sa amin ang game master. "Kapag kayo ang nauna, kayo na agad ang panalo. Just shout your group name and raise your flag."
Nagtilian ang mga kagrupo kaya napangiti ako. I somehow feel confident that we'll make it because of Leon. Hindi ko alam. Basta kapag kasama ko si Leon, pakiramdam ko ay imposible ang pagkatalo. The sound of his name is almost identical to that of the king of the jungle, and winning came easily to him . . . unlike me, who was a loser from the start.
"Kami na lang ni Mari," sabi agad ni Paolo.
Leon poked the inside of his cheek with the tip of his tongue.
"Sino'ng may sabi?' masungit na tanong niya.
I bit the inside of my lower lip when I felt my cheeks getting hotter again. Jusko, nakailang blush na ako ngayong araw! Wala ba siyang balak na patahimikin ako?!
"Ang ganda, grabe!" ekseheradang sigaw ni Shaira. "Lord, no'ng nagpaulan ng talino at ganda, bakit rainbow lang ang naabutan ko?!"
I scoffed at her. Mabuti pa talagang pagod na lang siya para hindi siya nakakaimik.
Tumikhim ako. "Ano . . . kami na lang ni Shaira," saad ko. "We'll look for a great spot for our campfire and figure out how to light it," dagdag ko.
Sumimangot ang babae. "Idinamay mo pa 'ko."
I lowered my gaze when I felt Leon's heavy gaze on me. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay nilalapitan niya lang ako dahil nagseselos siya kay Paolo. If he didn't feel threatened, he wouldn't even dare talk to me.
Pero okay na 'yon! Mag-iinarte pa ba 'ko? Ang tagal-tagal niya 'kong hindi pinansin. I'd gladly take advantage of every chance to get his attention. Alam naman ni Paolo na pinutol ko na kung ano mang gusto niyang mangyari sa aming dalawa. He wouldn't assume I was entertaining him.
"Mamaya na kasi ang selos, Leon," natatawang sabi ni Shaira habang pinagpapares ng lalaki ang mga kagrupo namin.
He rolled his eyes while shaking his head. "Kanino naman ako magseselos?"
Nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi sa naging sagot niya. I consciously adjusted the strap of my sando, even though it was already in place.
"Kay Mari," matapang na sagot naman ng kaibigan ko.
Napanganga ako. "Shaira!"
"Wow, anong tsismis 'to?! May something kayo?" usisa ni Maricar.
I looked at Leon, hoping he'd confirm or deny something, but he didn't seem interested. Naramdaman ko ang mga mata sa akin ni Paolo pero hindi ko siya tinapunan ng tingin. I just kept my eyes on Leon.
"Leon, akala ko ba ay hindi mo type si Mari?!" Tumawa si Maricar. "Sinabi mo noon sa tropahan natin na hindi siya ang babaeng tipo mo!"
Leon moved the bridge of his glasses. "Hindi naman talaga."
I felt like a fool at that time. Kasabay ng pagkirot ng puso ko ay siya ring pag-ahon ng inis sa loob ko.
Pinaglalaruan ba niya ang nararamdaman ko? Habang sinusubukan kong maghanap ng paraan kung paano kami magkakaayos . . . sasabihin niya lang na hindi ako ang tipo niya sa harap ng mga taong 'to?
If he hates me that much, he should have told me. Hindi niya na kailangang ipahiya ako.
"The feeling is mutual." I chuckled sarcastically. "Hindi rin ang mga kagaya niya ang tipo ko."
"Mari . . ." si Shaira.
I shook my head. "Inaasar lang kami ng mga kaklase namin pero walang namamagitan sa 'min, Maricar. Imposibleng magkaro'n dahil hindi naman namin gusto ang isa't isa."
I could tell he was looking at me from the corner of my eye, but I didn't bother to give him a peek in his direction.
"Leon could be with whomever he wants, and I won't give a fucking damn about it." My lips quivered as I grinned. "And I'm sure he feels the same! Kahit makipaghalikan ako sa kahit na sinong lalaki rito, walang pakialam 'yan."
Pumalakpak si Shaira na parang hindi siya ang pasimuno ng lahat ng 'to.
"Totoo! Saka may nagcha-chat sa 'yo, 'di ba? 'Yong haciendero? Akala ko ba ay naghihintay ka na lang ng araw bago mo sagutin 'yon?"
"Really?" Paolo asked.
Tumango ang babae. "Oo kaya! Chix 'to, eh. Kaya nga madalas na siyang makatulog sa klase namin! Labas nang labas at nakikipag-date do'n!"
I'm sure she was just lying because I don't remember talking to anyone. Siguro ay naintindihan niya lang ang sitwasyon ko kaya binu-boost niya ang ego ko para ipakita sa lahat na wala lang sa akin ang sinabi ni Leon.
"Sino?" untag ni Paolo. "Taga-school?"
"Ay nako, basta!" sagot ni Shaira. "Magugulat na lang kayo next month."
"Eh, gaga ka pala, eh! Bakit mo pa inaasar kay Leon kung meron na palang boyfriend 'yang si Mari?"
Lumabi ang huli. "Hindi ko naman kasi alam na seseryosohin n'yo."
I put on my blank expression and lifted my chin. Mag-uusap pa rin kami ni Leon mamaya. Sigurado 'yon. Pero sa ngayon, ayoko muna siyang makita. I had enough pain and rejection from him anymore. Mabuti pang ihanda ko na ang sarili ko sa mangyayari mamaya.
"Paolo, saan ba tayo magsisimula?" tanong ko sa lalaki. "I saw an oak tree near the lake. It can make good firewood."
"You're not going anywhere with him, Mendoza."
Tumaas ang kilay ko bago tinapunan ng tingin si Leon. "Says who?"
"Says the leader."
Napatawa ako. "Nice try."
"Mas sanay ako sa gan'yang Mari at Leon!" sigaw ni Maricar. "Mga halimaw sa debate at sa totoong buhay!"
Hindi ko na siya pinansin. I walked toward Paolo, who looked confused about what was going on. Tinanguan ko lang din ng isang beses si Shaira bago hinigit ang lalaki palayo roon.
"What the hell was that?" maya maya'y tanong nito.
I sighed. "Sorry . . ."
"Seryoso, Mari. I don't know what happened." Puno ng pagtataka ang inosenteng mukha niya. "Something is going on between you and Zamora, and you're currently in a quarrel. That's my hypothesis."
We were that obvious, of course. Nadamay pa siya sa kaartehan namin.
"Well, hypothesis accepted, Paolo."
Napatigil siya sa paglalakad kaya napatigil din ako.
"Kayo?" tanong niya.
Umiling ako. "Muntik lang."
He narrowed his eyes on me. "Is he the reason why you rejected me?"
"Yeah . . . and I really don't see us going somewhere."
His lips curved into a grin. "Sakit mo naman."
Muli akong nagbuntong-hininga. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this."
"It's okay. I'm cool, you know? I accept rejections quite easily . . . and I find you pretty so it's really okay."
Ngumiti ako. "Thanks . . ."
We started picking up firewood from the surrounding area. Marami kaming kasabay at kaagaw mula sa ibang group kaya nakikipag-unahan talaga kami. We also got small pieces of cardboard, twigs, and branches.
May iilang beses na nakasalubong namin sina Leon at ang ilan naming kagrupo pero hindi ko siya tinapunan ng tingin.
I'm still hurt by how blunt he was. Alam kong hindi naman magbabago ang pananaw ko. I would still apologize to him and would tell him what I really feel about him. Magpapahinga lang ako saglit at bubwelo. Iyon ngang sinabi niyang hindi niya ako tipo ay nasaktan na ako. Ano pa kaya kapag harap-harapan niya na akong inayawan?
Shaira found the perfect spot for our campfire, so after we got all the supplies, we started putting it together. May lighter si Leon kaya hindi namin poproblemahin ang apoy. I'm not sure if it's allowed, but because it's not addressed in the regulations, I think it is.
"If looks can kill, I'm probably on my way to the funeral now," natatawang saad sa akin ni Paolo. "You could've chosen me over that guy, Mari. Hindi ka niya type, pero type kita."
Umirap ako. "Shut up, Paolo."
Matapos ilagay ang lahat ng nasimot namin sa gitna ay naupo ako sa putol na puno ng kahoy. Leon then picked up a stick and started to light it with his lighter. His muscular arms tensed as he split a twig into smaller pieces.
"Ba't kay may lighter?" tanong ng isa naming kagrupo. "Nagyoyosi ka?"
"Minsan," sagot niya.
Maricar chuckled. "Sus! Lagi kaya! Lalo nitong mga nagdaang linggo! Nakakaisang kaha ka sa isang upuan."
Napailing ako. He said he only smokes when he has something in his head. I'm all for supporting him in that, but if he smokes frequently . . . that will be a problem.
"Mari, samahan mo 'ko," saad ni Paolo. "Kukuha pa tayo ng kahoy."
I sighed. "Ang sakit na ng likod ko. Ayoko na."
Tumawa siya. "Wala kang choice. Come on."
Leon threw down his lighter and the twigs he was furiously holding as he grabbed the knife from one of our groupmate's hands.
Hindi ko alam kung saan galing 'yong kutsilyo dahil wala naman kaming ginamit na ganoon ni Paolo kanina. We used nothing but our bare hands to cut through some thin wood!
"Ako na," inis na saad ni Leon.
Napangisi si Paolo. "Do the honor then."
"Bumalik ka agad," sabi ko. "Maggagabi na. Baka mahirapan ka sa daan."
Tumango siya at pinanood ko lang ang pag-alis niya. Medyo padilim na ang langit kaya nagdala siya ng flashlight. Hindi naman siya para maligaw rito dahil hindi naman ito gubat.
Everyone in our group tried to light the fire. Tuwang-tuwa naman si Paolo nang makita niyang napabaga niya ang isang kahoy.
"Saan mo pala nakuha 'yong kutsilyo?" tanong ni Maricar sa kaklase niya.
"Dinampot ko lang malapit sa lake." The guy shrugged. "It's around the area, so it's valid."
We've already made a tinder bed out of the cardboard we've collected, and we've even put kindling on top of it. Ngayon naman ay hinihintay na lang naming tuluyang umapoy ang baga. Leon's lighter came in handy. Kita kasi namin sa ibang grupo na nahihirapan silang magpaapoy.
Palingon-lingon ako sa paligid dahil sa tantya ko ay tumatagal masyado si Leon sa pagbalik. Hindi ko naman masabi sa mga kagrupo ko lalo at nakita nila ang pagtatalo . . . o palihim na pagtatalo namin kanina.
"Hoy, patapos na 'to," sabi ni Shaira. "Dala ni Leon ang flag natin. Nasaan na ba 'yon?"
I clenched my fist. "Naghahanap pa ng kahoy."
"Okay na 'to, ah! Ang dami-dami na, eh."
"Sabi ni Paolo kulang daw . . ." I said, looking at Paolo.
"Akala ko kanina kulang, eh. Estimate lang," depensa ng lalaki.
Naghintay pa ako ng ilang minuto pero hindi naman dumating si Leon. Tuluyan nang nagdilim ang langit at alam kong hindi siya ganoon katanga para hindi malaman ang daan pabalik. Sigurado naman akong darating din siya agad. I mean, he's Leon! He couldn't have been hurt in any way!
But, fuck!
"Hahanapin ko na. Medyo nasaulo ko naman ang daan kanina. I'm sure he's just somewhere around," hindi napigilang sabi ko sabay tayo.
"Baka magkasalisi kayo," sagot ni Shaira.
Well, I can't just sit here and wait for him when I know that he's probably been caught up in something that's keeping him from getting here!
Desididong umiling ako. "Babalik ako after ten minutes kapag hindi ko siya nakita."
Kaya lang, bago pa ako makaalis ay naaninagan ko ang bulto ni Leon na papalapit sa amin. He was holding what I think were bundles of wood in his left hand. Medyo madilim kaya hindi ko makita nang maayos ang itsura niya.
"Leon, ano'ng nangyari d'yan?!" bulaslas ni Shaira kaya bahagya akong nataranta.
I rushed up to him right away and saw that his right arm was bleeding! Sira ang dulo ng sando niya dahil itinapal niya ang kaunting tela sa braso niya.
"Here are the woods you need," he said like he wasn't hurting at all!
Sa galit at pag-aalala ko ay inis kong inagaw sa kanya ang mga kahoy at padabog na itinapon iyon sa lupa.
Mabilis ngunit marahan kong inabot ang kanang pulso niya para suriin ang sugat. Sigurado akong sa ilalim ng tela ay patuloy ang pagdugo noon. It wasn't too big, but it definitely hurt!
"Sa kutsilyo ba 'to?" nagngingitngit na tanong ko.
"It's okay."
"It's okay mo mukha mo!" sigaw ko sa kanya. "Dumudugo, oh! Ano'ng okay d'yan?! Baka mamaya ay magka-infection 'yan kapag hindi nalinis nang maayos!"
Galit akong tumingin sa lalaking kinuhanan niya ng kutsilyo.
"Hindi mo man lang ba chineck kung maayos 'yon?" pigil ang iritang tanong ko. "Nagamit mo ba muna bago mo ipinagamit sa iba?"
"Mendoza, don't blame him . . ."
I faced Leon. "Ano bang ginawa mo at nagkagan'yan? Hindi ka naman tanga! I'm sure it's the knife!"
Bumibigat ang paghinga ko. It was just a small wound, but the fact that he was bleeding was scaring the shit out of me!
"May first aid kit ako sa bag! Kukunin ko muna para malinisan ko 'yan!" dagdag ko pa, wala nang pakialam sa mga kagrupo kong marahil ay nagtataka sa kilos ko. "Parang tanga! Nagdudugo ka na, nagdala ka pa ng mga punyetang kahoy na 'yan! Pa-volunteer volunteer pa kasi!"
"I'll come with—"
"Maupo ka d'yan!"
Leon blinked once as he obediently sat down in the trunk.
I turned around to face the rest of our group, almost practically out of breath.
"Shout our group name and raise that flag! Kukuha lang ako ng gamot!"
Hindi ko na sila hinintay na makasagot. Tumalikod na ako at nagmartsa papunta sa mga gamit ko.
My hands were shaking with worry, but what worries me even more is that Leon doesn't seem to care about his wound! Puwede siyang magkaroon ng tetanus kapag hindi niya 'yon nilinis! To think na sa tabi-tabi lang 'yon nakuha ng kagrupo namin!
"Hey."
I gritted my teeth when I heard him behind me.
"Sinabi kong maupo ka, 'di ba?! Bakit ba hindi ka nakikinig?!"
Kinuha ko ang first aid kit ko at sa nagngingitngit na galit ay hinarap ko pa rin siya. I'm not sure what's making me so mad. Hindi dapat ganito katindi ang pag-aalala ko.
Kami lang ang nandito kaya hindi ako naiilang na sumigaw. We were beside the tents because this is where we stashed our bags. Several muffled sounds of students laughing and a guitar being played softly could be heard coming from the background. But even so, I was so angry and concerned that I couldn't really care about it.
Naupo kami sa lupa, sa likod ng malaking tent. Pinasandal ko siya sa isang puno at pinatuwid ko ang mga hita niya. He just let me. Pumunta ako sa kanan niya at tinanggal ko ang tela sa sugat niya. My heart almost sank when I saw it.
"Kung aalis ka nang mag-isa, 'wag ka namang babalik nang may sugat," nanghihinang sabi ko habang binabasa ng tubig ang sugat niya. "Puwede namang kami na lang kasi ni Paolo ang kumuha . . . bakit ba ang kulit mo? Just because you're the leader doesn't mean you have to always volunteer."
I felt him brush the hair framing my face, but I didn't look at him.
"Galit ka?" he asked softly.
Hindi ako sumagot. I carefully rubbed the cotton swab with an antibiotic ointment on his wound as my heart tightened in pain.
"Amari . . . galit ka?" mas malambing na tanong niya.
I shook my head in a response, trying not to get too emotional. Ang lambing lambing na naman ng boses niya. Ang sarap na namang umasang gusto niya pa rin ako.
He heaved a sigh. "Umiling ka kanina no'ng nalaman mong napapadalas ang pagyoyosi ko . . . ayaw mo?"
For some unknown reason, my eyes started to well up with tears.
I hate it. I hate that he sounded so much like my Leon. 'Yong Leon na hindi ako kayang tiisin. 'Yong Leon na laging sinisigurado sa akin na ako lang. 'Yong Leon na may pakialam pa sa akin. He sounded so much like him.
"Leon, 'wag mo na 'kong paasahin . . ." My voice cracked, eyes still on his wound. "A-Alam kong galit ka sa 'kin, at may karapatan kang maramdaman 'yon. I-I was harsh. I blamed you for something you couldn't control."
Binalot ko ng bandage ang sugat niya. Hindi ako makapag-angat ng tingin dahil ayokong makita niyang may luha sa mga mata ko.
My lips trembled. "K-Kaya nga ako lumapit sa 'yo, 'di ba? I want to apologize . . . I want to make things right . . . but you always ignore me, and again, that's okay."
Parang may tinakalang sumasakal sa dibdib ko. I must have missed him so much that it was painful to breathe.
"I'm so sorry, Leon . . . I'm so so sorry," I finally said, tears escaping my eyes. "Alam kong imposible na. Alam kong hindi na tayo babalik sa dati. A-Alam kong na-realize mo nang hindi ako ang . . ." I whispered as I swallowed hard, ". . . tamang babae para sa 'yo."
"Amari."
Umiling ako. "L-Leon, no'ng absent ka, nagsaya ako kasi wala akong kaagaw sa recitation," pag-amin ko. "Hindi ko alam na naghihintay ka sa 'kin sa waiting shed . . . pero kasalanan ko pa rin kasi hindi ko man lang naisip na susunduin mo 'ko . . . kagaya ng lagi mong ginagawa."
Nagbagsakan ang luha ko sa labis na pagsisisi. I realized again that Leon would be too close . . . yet not too close for me to hold. Na darating ang araw na may makikilala siyang mas higit kaysa sa akin. Mas maganda. Mas matalino. Mas mabait. Mas tipo niya.
He would forever be the goal I could never attain . . . dahil masyado siyang mataas para sa 'kin.
Lumunok ako, naghahanda sa mga gusto ko pang sabihin, naghahangad na hindi ako tuluyang iwan ng mga salitang gusto kong makarating sa kanya.
"G-Gusto kita, Leon . . ." I felt a tear come out of my eye. "Gustong-gusto rin kita . . . kahit nahuli ako."
I was still not looking at him. My head was just bowed, my shoulders slumped, and my tears were hitting the ground.
"I know . . . I know you don't feel the same anymore." Dahan-dahan akong tumango. "A-Ayos lang. I have no expectations. I just want to let this off my chest . . . kasi ang bigat-bigat."
Huminga ako nang malalim at buong tapang na nag-angat ng tingin. I met his gaze in an instant. He looked like my words had made him drunk, as his eyes were so gentle and full of emotions that the stars in the sky would be embarrassed by how brightly they shone.
"You have no idea how much you've helped me grow." I smiled at him. "A-Ang dami kong gustong i-kuwento sa 'yo . . . but I can't stay your friend. I can't just be your friend, Leon." The weight in my chest slowly went away. "Someday, maybe. Kapag naka-move on na 'ko . . . at kapag may lakas ng loob na ulit akong harapin ka."
I tried to stand, but before I could even do so, I felt his large hand grab mine and pull me back down to the ground.
Nakatuwid pa rin ang mga hita niya at nasa kanan pa rin niya ako. He was leaning against a tree, but I could feel his right arm slowly wrap around my waist.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asked coldly.
"'Y-Yong sugat mo . . ." dinadaga ang dibdib na saad ko.
Inis niyang tinanggal ang salamin niya at inilagay ito sa kaliwa niya, dahilan para makita ko ang madilim na mga mata niya.
My heart beat fast and hard in my chest. It was the first time I'd seen his eyes without his glasses, and they were deep and almost . . . too beautiful.
"You like me?"
Napaiwas ako ng tingin.
"Eyes on me, Mendoza," he ordered.
Umiling ako. "It doesn't matter now."
Naramdaman ko ang paghigit niya sa baywang ko kaya napalapit ako sa kanya. I let out a gasp as he gently took me off the ground and set me down on his lap.
"Leon!" I yelled out in a low voice.
Pagilid akong nakaupo sa hita niya. Ang isang kamay niya ay inilagay niya pa sa baba ko para dahan-dahan akong iharap sa kanya. My gaze once more fell upon the most exquisite eyes. Mapungay na ang mga ito habang nakatitig sa akin.
"Hindi ko hahayaang makalimutan mo 'ko, Amari," hirap na hirap na bulong niya. "Nagtampo lang ako . . . pero hindi kita sinukuan."
Sumubsob siya sa leeg ko at naramdaman ko ang marahan niyang paghalik doon. Dahil nakasando ako ay dama ko ang pagtama ng mainit niyang hininga roon.
"Baby, your sorry is all I want . . . bakit ang tagal mo?"
Another wave of tears had blurred my vision. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, pero hindi na sa masakit na paraan. His words made my chest swell up, and I felt a surge of relief rush over my worries.
"S-Sorry, Leon . . . sorry . . ." hikbi ko.
He chuckled lowly. "Yeah, you should apologize for making me miss you so much."
Mabilis niyang iniangat ang tela sa dibdib ko, dumidilim ang mga matang nakatingin doon.
He lifted his head and wiped the tears that were falling down my cheeks with his thumb.
"Nilapitan mo lang ba ako ngayon kasi nagseselos ka kay . . . Paolo?" hindi napigilang tanong ko.
His brows furrowed. "While it's true that I'm jealous, I'm actually planning to make it up to you since last week, but you're always too tired that I don't have the heart to disturb you."
"B-But you said I'm not your type . . ."
He worked his way down my face, gently brushing my cheekbones, jaw, and lips.
"Hindi naman talaga."
My lips trembled, drawing his attention there.
"You're not my type because I know you can ruin all of me," marahang sabi niya. "Kaya mong iparamdam sa akin na imposibleng maging masaya ako nang wala ka . . ." He swallowed as his thumb brushed against my lower lip. "You have me under your control, Amari . . . and I won't even complain."
Napatitig ako sa mga labi niya habang sinasabi niya iyon. Alam kong anumang oras ay may maaaring makakita sa amin . . . but that was my least concern now. Leon was here again, cradling me in his arms.
"I missed you," I whispered.
Lalong pumungay ang mga mata niya. "You do?"
Instead of answering, I placed my hands on his cheeks and pushed his face closer to mine so that I could plant a kiss on his lips.
I felt his grip tighten on my waist.
Ipinatong ko lang ang labi ko sa kanya. Nakapikit at dinadama ang lambot at init noon.
It wasn't too long. Humiwalay agad ako sa kanya, tila nalasing sa mabilis na halik na pinagsaluhan.
I gulped. "S-Sorry . . . I got carried away."
His eyes grew darker. He started tracing circles on my waist, triggering a lot of tremors to travel away from my body.
"Kiss me again if you're sorry."
Umawang ang labi ko. "M-May pag-uusapan pa yata tayo, Leon . . ."
His lips curved into a dangerous grin.
"Yeah, next time."
He didn't wait for me to answer. Impatient, he grabbed the back of my head and pulled it toward him in a rush. I closed my eyes when he started kissing me passionately, unlike the shallow kiss I had given him earlier. Naramdaman kong kinagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi ko, dahilan para mapasinghap ako. His tongue then continued to probe the inside of my mouth.
"Leon . . ." I moaned as he lifted the fabric that was covering my chest for the second time.
Napahalinghing ako nang maramdaman kong dumampi ang gitnang daliri niya sa cleavage ko habang ang isang kamay niya ay lumipat sa gilid ng leeg ko.
"You can't get away from me now, Mendoza," he panted. "I won't let the world end without making you a Zamora."