"As a result of recent intelligence and forensic information, we have a strong and rational ground to suspect that a forty-two-year-old man named Vincente Manansala was involved in Laurice Baudelaire's murder and abandonment. The evidence was sufficient to arrest and charge the suspect. Police are not looking for Vivienne Amontillado's relation to Ms. Baudelaire's abandonment for the suspect already admitted the false statement he articulated to accuse Ms. Amontillado of the crime he did seven years ago. He also proffered his reasons for doing so. Our thoughts go to the Acosta family..."
Dad, although I still saw it, stealthily shook his head to mom that was why the latter took the remote control and pressed the off button of the TV. Nagkatinginan sina mom and dad as if nag-uusap silang dalawa through their eyes. Ganoon din sina Manang Terentina, Ate Nory, at iba pang kasama naming dito sa bahay bago sila nagsilabas sa room ko, iniwan ako kasama ang parents ko.
Yes, I am back at home.
After months of being in the hospital, I am now in my bedroom. Although, marami pa ring aparatong nakadikit sa mga braso ko para maipagpatuloy ang pagmo-monitor sa akin. The doctors visit me every day, to check some vitals and do some necessary tests.
Still, I am glad to be here. I feel safer. I feel sheltered. I feel like I am miles away from darkness.
I know things will get better. And, eventually, I'll be able to live a normal life again. Liam always reminds me of that. But right now, it's just hard. Very hard.
Because these days, the pain is worse than the night it happened.
There are still "dark" thoughts going through my mind. I couldn't help it, especially when I'm alone. Kahit anong pigil ko sa pag-iisip, hindi ko kaya. The more na iwinawaksi ko lahat sa isipan ko, the more kong naiisip.
There are times, I feel so bad all of a sudden. I always feel the emotional destruction that comes after that night. The horror and the pain and the fear every time I will close my eyes. My body and bones would ache so bad, that I couldn't even describe it. It was so hurtful, maddening, draining, and anxiety-inducing, and as much as I wanted to hide it and keep it to myself, I can't. Because I still feel scared.
Inaamin ko 'yon. Alam ko sa sarili ko 'yon. May takot pa rin 'yung buong pagkatao ko. Lalo na kapag wala akong ibang kasama. Kaya lagi akong tinatabihan ni Pascal sa tuwing walang maiiwan na magbabantay sa akin kasi gets ko naman na hindi iyon maiiwasan. Na kahit pa iniutos ni dad na palagi akong i-monitor, naiintindihan kong may mga bagay na hindi ma-kontrol ng tao, may mangyayari at mangyayari. And they have no choice but leave me... for at least a little while. I understand it. I fully understand it. Hindi naman sa akin umiikot ang mundo.
And I have to be independent. Na kahit ganito ang nangyari sa akin, hindi pwedeng ganito na lang palagi. Hindi pwedeng mabuhay ako na palagi na lang natatakot. Hindi pwedeng habangbuhay kong dalhin ang presensya no'ng taong nagdulot sa akin nito. Hindi pwedeng puro kadiliman na lang.
That's why I'm doing my best to cope. I'm currently in counseling at least two times a week. Aside from the medications and suppressants I have to take, I'm taking pills to ease my panic attacks. I'm trying to regain what I feel I've lost after everything that has happened. I'm trying to find that strength and bring back the joy, the zeal, the lightness. I'm trying to swim into this madness. I'm trying to make a progress. I'm trying my best with everything that I do because that's all I can do for myself for now.
I'm trying to think that the world isn't entirely a bad place.
"Vivienne," I flinched a little, pulling me out of the thoughts, when I hear my name being called by mom.
Napasulyap siya kay dad habang kinakagat ang ibabang labi as if she's apologizing to him. Then she looked at me with apologetic eyes and smiled a little. "I'm sorry."
I wanted to say that it is okay but saying so would mean that it is indeed okay. Na dahil sinabi kong okay lang, maaaring gawin ulit nila. Hanggang sa ulit-ulitin nila. Hanggang sa maging normal na. Which is ayokong mangyari dahil ayokong maalala lahat ng nangyari ng gabing iyon. I do not know how he did it but every time talaga na someone would address be my name, I would think of him. Then I would start feeling so bad again.
I don't want that.
But there's also a part of me na gusto ulit i-normalize na tawagin ako sa first name ko. Just like before. Dahil gusto kong maibaik 'yung dating buhay ko. 'Yung buhay na hindi puno ng takot.
I'm torn between the things I don't want to do and the things I wanted to do.
I'm so confused about what should I do.
Feel ko lahat na lang nagiging magulo.
"I know things have been tough for you, Vivienne."
Umupo sa edge ng bed si mom at inabot ang kamay ko. Nakangiti siya sa akin, hindi inaalis ang paningin sa mukha ko, habang hinahaplos niya ang kamay ko. On the back of it is the apparatus which was hooked up intravenously.
"I also know that I should refrain myself from calling you like that but how can I? You're Vivienne, my Vivienne, you sweet little girl."
She chuckled and swiftly grazed her index finger at the bottom of my chin.
"What I'm saying is... I know you still have a knot in your heart. I do understand your pain. What you feel is valid. But, anak, I want you to remember that your emotions are just part of your pain, it doesn't define who you are as a person. Kaya don't let the darkness consume you. Even if it's just little by little, everything is going back to what it was before."
I offered a weak smile even though my lips were starting to tremble. I feel like crying. My eyes were filled with restrained tears, ready to fall. I sniffed, trying my best not to cry. But they start streaming down my cheeks. And they couldn't stop falling. Nang kumawala ang isang luha, nagtuloy-tuloy na.
And she also started crying. We're both crying while looking at each other's eyes.
"Everything's going to be fine," she whispered in between her silent cries. "You don't have to feel bad anymore. Because it wasn't your fault. You heard him, right? You heard his confession. He was a coward. Kaya sinisi niya sa 'yo ang kasalanang ginawa niya kasi hindi niya kayang akuin iyon. Ngunit mas lalong hindi kinaya ng konsensiya niya dahil alam niya ang totoo. Wala kang kasalanan, anak. Biktima ka lang din."
Umiling ako nang bahagya dahil pagbalik-baliktarin man ang mundo, alam ko sa sarili kong may nagawa akong hindi tama. May nagawa pa rin akong kasalanan kahit pa sabihing pinili kong manahimik na lang at walang gawin.
Turning a blind eye against oppression is as guilty as the oppressors.
And I'm guilty... for that... for committing injustice.
"I still committed injustice, Mom."
Napalingon si mom kay dad. And they stared at each other for God knows how long, as if they were communicating but not literally doing it. After a few, they both look at me. They stared at me, with those apologetic eyes, in silence. They let their eyes do the talking.
I heaved a deep breath.
"I wasn't jailed. I am free here. But the truth is, I am not. I feel like I wouldn't be able to free myself until Tito Oliver forgives me... until Liam stops hiding the pain from me just because he loves me..."
I lifted my arm a little so that I could wipe the tears, that are starting to block my sight, using the back of my hand.
"It's hard, Mommy, Daddy. I love Liam. I love him so much. That's why every time I would look at his eyes and see how they reflect pain, it hurts me. Especially because I know that I am the one to blame. I caused him that terrible pain. He's suffering because of me."
"Vivienne..."
I shake my head when mom called me. I slightly shivered but it was nothing compared to the ache right inside my chest.
"I am so evil for doing that to him. For causing him and his dad pain to carry for a lifetime. For ruining their family. Kaya siguro nangyari sa akin 'to... all of this... all of the things that happened to me... I deserved it—"
"Vivienne Gayle!" Dad exclaimed using his stern voice.
I looked at dad. Nanlalabo ang paningin ko ngunit nakita ko kung paano niya pasimpleng pinunasan 'yung luha sa gilid ng mga mata niya gamit ang hinlalaki niya. Nakita ko kung gaano namumula 'yung mga mata niya na parang pinipigilan niya 'yung mas marami pang mga luhang gustong kumawala. Nakita ko kung paano siya nasasaktan.
And it broke my heart even more.
Ang sama ko talaga, 'no? Lahat na lang ng tao sa paligid ko ay nasasaktan ko.
"M-Maybe this is the price I have to pay for turning a blind eye..."
"No," halos pumiyok si dad nang sabihin iyon. Mula sa chair malapit sa bed ko, lumipat siya sa tabi ko, sa gitna namin ni mom, at niyakap ako... nang sobrang higpit. "You didn't deserve all of this, Vivienne Gayle. Stop saying that."
Umiling ulit ako. Paulit-ulit. Dahil kahit ano pang sabihin pa niya, hindi maaalis 'yung pakiramdam kong deserve ko lahat ng nangyari sa akin. Pakiramdam ko kabayaran ko 'yon ng pananahimik ko. Pakiramdam ko ipinaranas sa akin ang pagiging biktima ng pagbulag-bulagan. I was in silence when Liam's mom faced her death that's why Felix stayed silent when he saw me faced my own death.
Masuyong inalalayan ni dad 'yung ulo ko para ipahinga sa dibdib niya. I let myself cry. They let me cry... with them. The room would be in deafening silence if only we weren't crying. Until we cry no more. Dahil wala nang luhang mailabas kahit sobrang sakit pa rin sa loob.
Sa sobrang sakit, wala na akong ibang maramdaman.
We were in silence after we cry. Dad is caressing my hair, my head is still resting on his chest. Mom, on the other hand, is gently grazing her fingers on the skin of my arms, easing them. I was looking at her as she stared at me. Then, all of a sudden, her watery eyes reflected anger. Na parang may nakikita siyang iba habang nakatingin sa akin.
She wiped the tears away and started gritting her teeth. "That bastard! We will make sure that he'll rot in jail! No! He deserves to rot in fucking hell!"
"Haidee," called dad.
Lumingon si mom sa kaniya. "What?!"
"Your choice of words. Nakaharap ka kay Vivienne."
Muling nabaling ang tingin sa akin ni mom. She sniffed, then bit her lower lip. She looked at me with apologetic eyes again.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't help but get mad whenever I would think of that evil."
"And I couldn't help but feel so bad whenever I would think of him, too," I said using a clipped tone.
Nagkatinginan silang dalawa bago muling humarap sa akin at humingi ulit ng tawad.
I nodded. "Can we stop talking about him from now on?"
"We will," Mom said.
"We should," Dad said, his voice didn't waver.
Nanatiling nakayakap sa akin si dad hanggang sa kinailangan na nilang umalis. But I was quick to held his hand after he let go of me.
"Can I talk to you?"
Kumunot ang noo niya habang nakatingin sa akin, tila may iniisip siya pero hindi ma-pinpoint kung ano iyon. Mom cleared her throat and walked towards me to give my forehead a kiss.
"I love you, Vivienne."
I flinched a little so she had to smile at me as she caresses her thumb on the skin of my cheeks. Mukha ulit siyang naiiyak pero pinipigilan niya lang. I heard her last night when she sneaked here in my room. She told me how scared she was, how painful it was to think that she might lose me. Natatakot siyang mawala ako, kagaya kung paano nawala sa kaniya si Kuya Hans. Natatakot siyang mawalan pa ng isang anak.
"I love you, Mom."
She smiled once again and kissed my forehead once again before saying to dad that she will wait for him outside, then leave the room.
"Tell me what's in your mind, Vivienne."
I flinched a little again. I had to heave a deep breath to ease myself. I breathed in. I breathed through. I breathed deep. Then I breathed out.
Then I looked at dad who sat again on the edge of my bed, inches away from me.
I looked at his eyes, I stared at them, without feeling the convictions they were giving me before.
I breathe again as I speak, "Is it true?"
His brows furrowed but he stayed silent, listening to what I will say next.
"Is it true that you just helped Liam, sheltered him here, just... just so you could pay for what I have done?"
"No."
Kasabay ng mabilis niyang tanong ay ang paghinga niya nang malalim at paghawak sa kamay ko. Hinaplos niya iyon habang nakatingin sa mga mata ko.
"You didn't do something wrong so why would I pay him and disguise it as if I'm lending a hand?"
"I did something wrong."
Umiling siya. "Do you think I am that evil to do something like that? Ganoon ba ako kasama para umarteng tinutulungan siya when my intention is really to help that guy?"
"I'm sorry."
"Listen, Vivienne." I flinched again but he was quick to make me feel safe by caressing my hand even more. "Liam has so much in store for him. He has the potential to work for us, for the company. He's an asset. But above all, Liam is a good man." He smiled at me. "He was acquainted with Hans before. He helped him. He helped us get justice."
I frowned. "What do you mean?"
"He knew who are the ones to hold accountable for Hans' death. He turned them over to us. And now, they're paying for what they did to your Kuya."
"Wait. I do not understand." I hold dad's arm a little tighter. "Kuya Hans died of complications on his head and gastrointestinal problems, right? So what do you mean by the ones to hold accountable for his death? I couldn't understand it."
"Hans was bullied before."
A tear fell from my eye. "W-What?"
Hindi nagsalita si dad at bumaba lang ang tingin sa kamay kong hawak niya. I sucked in a sharp breath as the wave of stinging pain surged through my body. I started trembling at the thought of Kuya Hans suffering at the hands of people who bullied him. It brought tears to my eyes, it brought aches to my heart.
I remember those times when Kuya Hans emitted alarming grunts while holding his head and belly.
I remember him staying silent about it even if it was so obvious that he was hurting.
I remember getting mad at him because he kept on hiding it away from me.
Ano'ng ginawa nila kaya sumakit nang ganoon kalala ang ulo ni Kuya Hans? Ano'ng ginawa nila sa kaniya? Ano'ng ginawa ni Kuya Hans sa kanila para gumawa sila nang ganoong bagay? He was kind! He was a good man!
What did he do to deserve that?
"Kuya Hans was being bullied before?"
"Yes..."
"And... and Liam knew about it?"
"Yes."
"And... he... he only do something when bullying resulted... death?"
Dad didn't answer me as if he's only realizing what I said after I said it.
I cried even more. Because I don't want what I am thinking right now. Ayokong pag-isipan nang masama si Liam. Ayokong ganito 'yung iniisip ko sa kaniya. I should give him the benefit of doubt. I should seek to understand him and hear him first. Because I know that he has his reasons.
That regardless of the pain, I should believe he has his reason. I should believe in him. I should believe that he won't do something like that.
Because he's kind.
He's pure.
He has goodness in him.
Pero paano kung pareho pala kami?
Paano kung kung sino pa 'yung taong hindi mo inaakalang makakagawa ng ganoong bagay ay siya palang gagawa no'n?
I knew that that question would break me but it kept on going through my mind. I knew thinking like this without talking to Liam just yet would break him hard but I kept doing it anyway, because the thought of Kuya Hans suffering stabbed me in a million pieces. Thinking about his suffering makes me suffer even more.
Dad lets me rest in his arms as I cry again. Dad's subtle "hush" couldn't take the hurricane of grief away. Because in the light of day, there's a storm of pain over my body. And it deteriorates me. The wind that's howling makes my skin bleed, tearing me in half. This pain is familiar... it's so familiar in a way that is traumatic.
But I had to gulp down the pain and eat it up into my belly when I heard three knocks on the door. When it opened, I saw Kuya Kenneth. He was smiling but as soon as he saw me, the smile faded.
Sumulyap siya kay dad tapos ibinalik ang tingin sa akin, tapos kay dad ulit, tapos sa akin ulit. Then he wore a tentative smile.
"Balik na lang ako mamaya."
"No," sabi ko, gamit ang basag na boses, kasabay ng mahinang pag-iling. "Dad said you always visit me but you always ended up leaving. Why is that, Kuya Kenneth?"
He stared at me and chuckled. Tapos isinara niya ang pintuan bago naglakad papalapit sa amin.
He's wearing a khaki button-up shirt, underneath is a white plain shirt. He paired it with light-wash baggy jeans, with a brown leather belt, and white sneakers. The hand with a Rolex is holding a bouquet of yellow and white tulips.
Nang makita niyang nakatingin ako roon, medyo itinaas niya ang braso niya kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya. He smiled and said, "Cheerful thoughts."
I smiled. "Those are for the yellow ones. How 'bout the whites?"
"Forgiveness."
"You're asking for forgiveness?"
He shook his head. "Younger Vivienne is asking for forgiveness."
Goose bumps slightly concealed my skin with the call of my name but I disregard it. Hindi ako umimik. Mula sa mga mata niya, ibinaba ko ang tingin ko sa mga bulaklak at sinimulang haplusin ang mga petal no'n.
"It isn't your fault, Vivienne. Forgive yourself."
Muling dumapo ang mga mata ko sa kaniya dahil sa sinabi niya. Kasi parang ang dali lang no'n. Parang kayang kong gawin nang gano'n gano'n na lang.
Pero hindi, e.
Madali lang sabihin pero sobrang hirap gawin.
"Is forgiving myself will bring Liam's mother back?"
He shook his head once again. "But it will set you free."
"That was so selfish of me." Hindi siya nakapagsalita. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya, sumulyap siya kay dad na inilingan lang siya. "Ang selfish selfish ko naman para magkaroon ng kalayaan habang 'yung nanay niya wala pa ring hustisya."
"Justice was served. The suspect was already arrested. He's in jail now."
"Then justice isn't fully served. Kasi nandito pa ako—"
Kumunot ang noo niya. "Ano ba'ng gusto mong manyari, Vivienne? Arestuhin ka rin? Makulong ka rin? Manatili ka ro'n habang buhay? 'Yon ba 'yung gusto mo, Vivienne?" aniya sa tonong parang nagagalit, parang nawawalan na ng pasensya.
"H-Hindi ko alam."
His eyes softened after hearing my broken voice. Muling nagluluha ang mga mata ko but I refused to cry. Sobrang pagod na ang mga mata ko kakaiyak. Ayoko nang umiyak. Pagod na pagod na ako.
"Ang hirap-hirap kasi, e. I can't resolve my feelings of guilt knowing that I ruined people's lives. I ruined my love's life." I drew a deep breath. "Even Liam wouldn't say it to me, I could feel it. I wrecked him."
"Come here," he said in a hushed voice. He raised his arms a little, gesturing me to come to him for a hug. When I do what he told me to do, his embrace gets a little tighter. And I wouldn't deny it. I need it. I need to soothe the storm inside me. "Kuya's always here for you."
"Thank you."
Ramdam ko ang mahinang pagtango niya bago marahang hinaplos ang buhok ko habang yakap ko. When he slightly pulled himself so that he could see my face, it's as if he wanted to tell me something but couldn't say it.
I looked at him in the eye. I wanted to know what he was thinking. But it's hard to decipher what's on his mind if there are too many emotions in his eyes.
I was staring at him, figuring out what it is that he wanted to tell but can't, when I felt dad beside me kissing the top of my head before he got up. When he stood up, he looked at Kuya Kenneth and slightly nodded at him.
"I'll leave her to you, son."
Out of many emotions I could see in Kuya Kenneth's eyes, overwhelmed stands out. He may wear a serene face, acting all meek, but he can't fool me. He can't hide from me how that surprised him. But I couldn't blame him. Acting out probably takes him to where he needed to be.
Dad smiled at him then rested his hand on Kuya Kenneth's shoulder and slightly pressed it before leaving us both—alone.
"I miss hearing him calling someone his son."
Umiling si Kuya Kenneth. Pero bago 'yon, nakita ko 'yung multo ng ngiti sa labi niya. Masaya siya, pinipigilan niya lang.
"Masaya ako para sa 'yo."
"Ako rin. Masaya akong ligtas ka na."
"'Wag muna. Hindi pa ako ligtas sa kadiliman."
"I don't want to open it up because I know it's hard for you but... I..." Umiling siya at huminga nang malalim. "I'm sorry that happened to you."
Umiling ako. "Hindi mo naman kasalanan."
"Darkness won't last forever."
"I hope so."
He gave me a small smile. "I'll be here with you every step of the way, let me join in that pain, feel that same torture I know you bear. I'll walk with you until you find the light."
"Thank you."
He smiled again. In that smile, I saw Kuya Hans. And that's when I remember Liam telling me that he feels like he saw Kuya Hans in-person before; because his face was familiar. At hindi iyon dahil kamukha siya ni Kuya Kenneth, kung 'di dahil tinulungan na niya si Kuya Hans dati.
Kahit si Kiara. She told me before that Kuya Hans' face was familiar to her. Baka kilala niya rin si Kuya Hans.
Napatitig ako kay Kuya Kenneth kasi baka pati siya, kilala si Kuya Hans.
Pero bago pa man ako makapagtanong, may kumatok na nang tatlong beses sa pintuan. Tapos bumukas iyon at iniluwa no'n sina Kiara, Alex, at Liam.
Si Liam.
As soon as my eyes met those pair of ocean eyes, my emotions once again turn jagged and my insides tight. And then, all of a sudden, I felt the hot tears on the corners of my eyes.
Unang lumapit sa akin sina Kiara at Alex para yakapin ako pero nanatili kaming magkatitigan ni Liam. Nanatili ang mga mata ko sa kaniya na para bang nag-blur lahat sa paligid namin. Hanggang sa wala na rin akong ibang marinig no'ng magsimula siyang magsalita.
"Kumusta ka, Vivienne?"
I didn't flinch. I didn't shiver at all. Because that's my safe haven calling me by name right there.
But then, hindi ako nagsalita dahil hindi ko naman alam ang sasabihin. Ayokong sabihing "okay lang ako" dahil ayokong magsinungaling. Ayoko rin namang sabihin "hindi ako okay" dahil ayokong mag-alala sila. So I just keep my mouth shut and I tried my best to give him a smile, a small one.
Masyado akong naging attentive sa mga mata niya kaya noong ikinumpas niya ang mga bulaklak na hawak niya, medyo nagulat ako. I looked at the bouquet of baby's breath. They look simple yet so lovely.
"Thank you," I said in a clipped tone.
"Walang anuman," he responded using a calm voice.
I felt my lips automatically form a big smile. Because I missed hearing him speak in Tagalog with that voice. It sounds so peaceful.
"Grabe, dude. Kanina pa 'ko narito. 'Yung Kuya niya, dude, kanina pa narito, pero hindi 'yan ngumiti nang gan'yan. Ngayon lang na nandito ka," parang nagtatampong sabi ni Kuya Kenneth kay Liam kaya nagsitawanan sila. "Iba talaga 'pag Acosta."
Liam's ears flushed to slightly crimson. That's why they laughed again. Tapos nag-asaran ulit sila. But I just stayed silent. Kapag tatanungin lang ako nina Alex at Kiara, roon ako nagsasalita pero sa totoo lang, ang buong atensyon ko ay na kay Liam lang.
I know it's rude, because I have guests to entertain. But I couldn't help it. Hindi ako makapag-focus sa gustong pag-usapan ng mga bisita ko dahil lumilipad ang isip ko sa maraming tanong sa utak ko. It's like my head is spinning with unanswered questions, like my heart is breaking inside my chest.
There'd been too much anger, too much guilt, too many questions.
And those questions only fall under one.
What to do when the one that is supposed to protect you, fails you like that?
A kiss on my forehead pulled me out of thoughts. Kuya Kenneth smiled and slightly disheveled my hair, "Don't let it get too dark in there, Vivi."
Kiara embraced me, and also Alex, before they all leave. Nanatili sa paanan ko si Liam, nakaupo, hinatid ng tingin ang mga kaibigan. When they're no longer on our sight, his eyes met mine.
A small smile flickers across his face as he smoothed himself closed to me, closing our distance before closing his hand over mine, sliding his finger in between mine in a perfect way they slotted together. When our fingers brush, I looked at his face. We're sitting closer than I realized, close enough for me to see the streak of silver in the blue of his eyes, close enough to count the freckles on his face.
"Ano'ng iniisip mo, mahal?" marahan niyang tanong sa malumanay na boses.
Sa tuwing kasama ko talaga siya, wala akong ibang maramdaman kung hindi kapayapaan. Sa mga mata niya, sa boses niya, sa ngiti niya, sa bisig niya, sa buong pagkatao niya... payapa ako. I felt calmer with him than without him.
His love serves as a safe haven. A peace through the chaos. A lighthouse through the fog. A light amidst the darkness.
In my darkest times, I found a light, and that light was him, my Liam.
But I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve him. Not even one little bit.
"Why are you crying, baby?"
He brushes his thumb along my cheek. It's soft and warm. Tapos mas lumapit siya sa akin... para halikan ang kanang mata ko, tapos 'yung kaliwa, na parang alam niyang mapapahinto no'n 'yung mga luha sa pagpatak sa pisngi ko.
"It's okay, baby, I'm here now," he whispered.
"I'm sorry."
Kumunot ang noo niya, naguguluhan.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I'm like this. I couldn't help it. I'm sorry," bulong ko sa pagitan ng mga hikbi. "I know I shouldn't think of you like this. But my mind... I couldn't control it... there are too many questions I wanted to be answered... I want you to answer them all, but I'm scared... Kasi ngayong wala ka pang sinasabi sa akin, iba na 'yung nararamdaman ko. I feel the anger, yet I feel the guilt, and I also feel afraid. I don't know... Gulong-gulo na 'ko, Liam..."
He drew a deep breath as he cupped my face. He looked at me patiently. He smiled at me patiently. Tapos marahan siyang tumango at huminga muli nang malalim, ine-encourage akong gayahin siya. He knows about the breathing exercise and he's always reminding me about it whenever I have to do it.
I do it... with him.
After that, he held my hands and kissed the back of them. Ngumiti ulit siya tapos gamit ang kalmadong boses, nagsalita siya, "Magalit ka. Matakot ka. You're free to feel those around me, Vivienne. Feel free to talk about anything. If it's bugging you, let it out. Let me be your outlet for those thoughts, for those questions."
He caressed my hands.
"Magkwento ka, mahal, makikinig ako."
His calming voice filled my ears yet my eyes still blurred with angry tears. I don't know if it's anger for him or for me or for the situation I'm in. But I feel angry. Then my heart began knocking inside my chest, so loud I could hear it.
"W-Why didn't you help my Kuya Hans?"
Kita ko ang pagkabigla sa mukha niya. Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng hawak niya sa akin. Kita ko 'yung sakit sa mga mata niya. At nasasaktan din akong makita siyang ganiyan. Pero hindi ko mapigilan. Kasi ang daming bagay na hindi ako makapaniwalang maaaring nagawa niya. Maraming bagay na hindi ko inakalang kaya niyang gawin.
Ang daming tanong.
Ang daming bakit.
"B-Bakit kung kailan huli na ang lahat, doon mo lang piniling magsalita? Bakit kung kailan may nasaktan na, doon ka lang tumigil sa pagbulag-bulagan? Bakit kung kailan wala na 'yung Kuya ko, doon ka lang huminto sa pananahimik?"
A tear slides down his cheek. His eyes burn a shade I had never seen before. A torturous color.
And it breaks me even more.
"Bakit hindi noong una pa lang? Bakit hindi mo pinigilan sila? It would've been prevented! He would've been alive until today! Pero bakit hinintay mo pang may buhay na mawala bago ka gumawa ng aksyon?" umiiyak kong tanong. "Bakit, Liam?"
He stared at me but the hot tears were falling fast and thick onto our intertwined hands. I could feel the wetness of each drop as it emerges from his open eyes.
"I'm sorry," the only thing he said yet enough for me to know that he's quite sure his explanation would hurt me even more.