TW: Sexual Assault & Sexual Trauma
My eyes were open but my surrounding is turning black. Like everything was cast in shadows. They're moving. They're spinning.
I felt so dizzy. There's liquid streaming down the side of my face. There's ringing in my ears. There's a bad taste in my mouth. I want to vomit. I want to leave this place.
But I couldn't move.
My head hurts so bad. My arm stings. My back doesn't feel right. My body... my whole body aches so bad. It's unbearable.
Ayoko na.
Ayoko na rito.
Takot na takot na ako.
Gusto ko nang umalis.
Gusto ko nang umuwi.
Ayoko na rito.
But he won't let me. He kept on doing whatever he was doing to me.
I still felt touched. I still felt his breath on my neck. I still felt his hand on my bare skin under my blouse. I still felt something hard, pounding between my thighs. I am still hearing his voice. I am still begging him to stop even though my mouth is tightly covered. I am still crying.
Until I heard a loud bang.
I wasn't touched anymore. Those hands were off my body now. I couldn't see clearly but silhouettes were moving fast like people fighting in front of me. I could hear curses and loud bangs again.
Magulo ang lahat.
Madilim.
Wala akong makita.
But I wanted to leave.
I walked. I tried to run. But I always lose my balance. Nadapa ako pero bumangon ulit ako at tumakbo kasi ayoko na rito.
Hindi na niya ako hawak pero natatakot pa rin ako.
"Vivienne..."
"N-No," I cried and ran again. As fast as I could. Away from him.
But he caught me by my elbow. I pulled it away but I was only hurt. The arm was twisted even more.
He caught me even more. He pulled me into a hug, a tight hug, and I did try to get away but he didn't let me. He's too strong. I still tried to push him again even though there was no use to that because I feel weak.
Ni hindi ko siya makita. Hindi ako makakita nang maayos. Kaya paano ako lalaban? Paano ako lalaban kung umiikot ang paligid ko? Paano ako?
I let out a loud cry. It was so loud that I couldn't even hear myself breathe.
"Vivienne..."
"L-Let go of me... T-Tama na... Ayoko na r-rito..."
"This is Liam, baby," he said while trembling with poorly contained feral rage. "It's me, baby. I am here now. I am here now, Vivienne."
My eyes were open but I couldn't see him clearly. His image was just black. Everything was black.
"L-Liam..."
"I'm sorry," he said as he kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry, baby."
That's the last thing I hear before I close my eyes because the headache gets worse.
Nang dumilat ako, parang gusto ko ulit pumikit dahil sa sobrang liwanag. My head starts aching again because the surrounding creates different noise. They're from people around me. I saw faces in front of me but the light was too bright, I couldn't see them clearly.
"Vivienne, do you hear us?"
"Call the doctor, Terentina!"
"Ano'ng nararamdaman mo, Vivi?"
"Are you okay, baby?"
"Vivienne..."
Tears were so quick to brim in the corners of my eyes when I heard my name being called. Muling sumibol ang kaba sa dibdib ko hanggang sa nahirapan ulit akong makahinga. Gumapang ang matinding takot sa buong katawan ko kaya niyakap ko ang sarili ko.
I shake my head as I cry and beg, "A-Ayoko na... Leave me alone... Tama na... T-Tumigil ka na..."
They started touching me, and the horror I was feeling started feeling worse. I felt touched by him again. I don't want it. I hate it.
"S-Stop it... S-Stop now... Please..."
"Can I try calming her down?"
They stopped touching me. But it only lasted short because someone touched my hand again.
Kinuha niya ang kamay ko, inaalis sa pagkakayakap ko sa sarili ko. Kaya umiling-iling ako. Paulit-ulit. Habang umiiyak. Habang nagmamakaawang bitawan niya ako. Habang nagmamakaawang lumayo na siya.
Kasi sobrang natatakot na naman ako.
Takot na takot na ako.
Ayoko na ng ganito.
Ayoko sa pakiramdam na 'to.
Na sa bawat yabag, bawat tawag sa pangalan ko, bawat haplos sa balat ko, naaalala ko 'yung dilim. Naaalala ko lahat sa madilim na lugar na iyon kahit maliwanag ang nakikita ko ngayon.
Para akong sinasakal.
Para akong pinapatay.
Nang paulit-ulit.
"L-Lumayo ka na p-please..."
"I am here now, love. Liam's here. It's alright," a voice said as he gently caressed my hand. Then he kissed the back of it. As if he knows that it will calm me down.
Unti-unti kong ibinigay ang buong atensyon sa kaniya, sa mukha niya. Hanggang sa mag-focus ang paningin ko sa kaniya kahit medyo malabo dahil sa walang katapusang luha. Patuloy ako sa paghikbi nang kumapit din ako sa kamay niyang nakahawak sa akin.
"L-Liam..."
He gave me a smile, the one that tells me that it's gonna be alright. Using his other hand, he lifted my chin with two fingers and brushed the tears from my cheek.
"It's okay, baby. I am here now. I won't leave you. Dito lang ako."
He leaned towards me. I closed my eyes as I felt him kiss my left eye, then the right eye. Tapos muli niyang hinaplos ang kamay ko, pinapakalma ako.
He stayed by side, holding my hand and assuring me that he wouldn't leave me. Hanggang sa dumating ang mga doctor. Kinakausap nila ako pero parang may nakabara sa lalamunan ko at hindi ako makapagsalita nang maayos. So it took a while. No. It took forever, before they had the chance to ask me about what I was feeling.
"Scared."
That's the only thing I could feel and think of. But they assured me that I'm now in a safe place. I don't have to worry because what happened won't happen again.
"He... he won't t-touch me again?" I asked, crying again.
Lahat sila ay nagkatinginan at sabay-sabay na tumango habang naluluha rin.
"He won't," Liam beside me said, his voice didn't waver. "Never again."
I looked up to him. He looks so mad as if he wanted to hurt someone. But when he saw me looking at him, his brows stopped being furrowed. And he embraced me. He tightened it when I buried my face in his chest while I was crying.
All I did was cry. Over and over. Because I feel so weak. I feel so vulnerable.
I did that for days.
For a week.
For a month.
For a couple of months.
Wala akong ibang kinakausap kung hindi si Liam. Kapag kakausapin ako ng iba, kailangang nasa tabi ko siya. Dahil wala na akong mapagkatiwalaan. Pakiramdam ko, lagi akong nasa panganib kapag wala si Liam.
Kapag tatanungin nila ako sa mga bagay na dapat nilang malaman, matagagalan sila. Because I don't like it whenever they're calling me by my name. I hate the feeling that it sends to me after hearing it.
I'm still scared. Na baka isa sa mga kumausap sa akin ay... siya. Na bigla na lang siyang sumulpot sa harap ko. Na baka takpan niya ulit ang bibig ko, saktan ako, hawakan ako.
Ayoko nang maalala.
Pero kahit wala na siya, natatakot pa rin ako.
Kasi bawat lingon ko, bawat pagpikit ko, pakiramdam ko nandoon siya. Kahit sa panaginip ko, lagi siyang nandoon.
Hanggang kailan niya ako guguluhin?
Hanggang kailan ako iiyak dahil sa matinding takot?
"They're already here," Mom said.
I saw a couple of policemen outside. They're talking to dad. Dad looks so mad. He was shouting at them. He was pointing fingers at them. But mom was quick to calm him down. She also talked to them.
I wanted to know it. But I'm also afraid to know what it is.
Napalingon ako kay Liam. Nasa tabi ko siya. He's holding my hand and looking at me, checking my contours and observing my reactions. I looked at the blue of his eyes, they were steady but they look so sad and mad and afraid. There are too many emotions in his eyes. I couldn't name them all.
Papalit-palit ang tingin ko sa mga mata niya nang ginalaw niya ang kamay ko, humigpit ang pagkakahawak doon. I looked down on our intertwined hands. They look pretty. They look like art together.
But even though I wanted to be happy, I couldn't. Because I know what's happening. It's still happening.
The case.
The pressed charges against me.
The crime I did.
"Vivienne..."
I flinched when the doctor called me. Napatingin siya kay Dra. Colmenares at sa psychiatrist na kasama nila. Tumikhim siya at muling nagsalita.
"We're done for today. Tomorrow, we'll have to do some imaging tests to check how your brain is functioning. So rest. Don't think too much. If your head hurts, call me immediately. Okay?"
Tumitig ako sa mga mata niya. Ilang segundo ang nagtagal bago ako tumango. He smiled at me before leaving. Ganoon din si Dra. Colmenares. Kasama siya kanina nang tinanong ako tungkol sa mga nararamdaman ko.
I was asked about the symptoms and the details of my injury. They did a neurologic exam and neuropsychological test. They made me open my eyes, speak, and move, measuring how severe the injury to my head is.
'Yung psychiatrist, si Dra. Moran, ay naiwan. Tapos kinausap niya ulit ako.
My parents deployed targeted psychotherapeutic treatment for me. It is individualized. Noong una, hindi ko kaya. Kailangang nasa tabi ko si Liam. Hanggang sa unti-unti, sinanay niya akong dumistansya siya. Tapos ngayon, nasa labas na lang siya. Kaming dalawa lang ni Dra. Moran sa loob ng room.
But Liam made sure that I saw him outside. Because I'm afraid whenever I'm alone... because even if I don't want it, I would hear whispers no one else can hear.
Dra. Moran knew it. And she understands. We follow the red thread. She encouraged me to focus on my feelings and emotions before our therapy session started. She made me not be pulled into discussing superficial issues. She asked me how I felt, she's creating a safe space as we talked.
It was light. I was confident in my answers. Until our talk went to what happened... that night.
"How did you feel at that moment?" Dra. Moran asked as she stared into my eyes.
I started tearing up. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa mga kamay ko kung saan may mga aparatong nakadikit sa akin. "S-Scared. I'm so scared."
"Tell me about the fear."
Mariin akong pumikit. It took a minute or two before I opened my eyes again. I looked at her as I took a deep breath. My chest is so tight that I had to force the air through and out of my nose. And with every breath, I feel sick, I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
"I feel like it will happen again. Whenever I close my eyes, I see his smile. T-That mischievous smile. Whenever I hear my name, I feel goosebumps covering my skin... just... just like how I felt when he sniffed my neck. Whenever the lights were off, I remember everything. I don't want darkness. I hate it when I can't see anything."
"How are you feeling right now?"
"I'm still scared. I feel suffocated. I feel like I can't breathe."
"Remember your breathing exercise?" I nodded. "Do you think the need to do that now?
Pinakiramdaman ko ang sarili ko, tapos ay umiling. "I think, I'm okay."
"Okay. If you feel like you need to, you can." She smiled at me. "Do you feel safe?"
I stared into her eyes. Then I looked behind her. I looked at Liam who was also looking at me, watching me from afar, making sure I'm okay. He smiled at me... and it gave me the answer.
I looked at Dra. Moran again. "Yes."
She nodded... and smiled.
"I see that this is tough for you, but I want you to know that you're in a safe place now, Vivienne." I slightly flinched when she called me by my name so she reached for my hand and gently pressed them. "It's okay to feel that way, and it's okay to talk about it. I'm here to help you feel less bad."
Nang matapos naming mag-usap ni Dra. Moran, muling pumasok si Liam. Buhat na niya si Pascal. My fur baby let out a soft bark as he ran towards me. He left Liam with Dra. Moran. Nag-uusap sila ngunit hindi ko alam kung tungkol saan dahil medyo malayo sila sa akin.
When Pascal barked again, I looked down on him. He stared at me. It took minutes. It took forever. As if he's reviewing my contour. Until he leaned on me and licked the side of my face. He even pressed his paws on my chest. He wanted me to cuddle him.
I chuckled and did what he wanted. I embraced him tight. I missed him so much. "I missed you, baby," I whispered.
He barked again as if he was saying he missed me too, so I chuckled again.
"Pascal missed Mom."
Habang yakap si Pascal, lumingon ako kay Liam. He's walking toward us with a smile plastered across his face. The smile is bright as if he loves the view he is seeing right now.
"Right, Pascal?" he asked as he petted our fur baby's head. Pascal agreed with another soft bark.
Liam chuckled. But I didn't. Nanatili lang akong nakatitig sa kaniya—pinanonood siya, 'yung reaksyon niya, 'yung mga mata niya.
Because even though he's smiling, I am not that sure if he's really happy. After everything that happened, I always doubt the reactions I'm seeing on his face. Because as silent as he is, he might be keeping everything to himself.
And I don't want that.
Ayokong pinapakita niya sa ibang tao, sa akin, na masaya siya ngunit ang totoo ay nahihirapan siya. Kahit ang totoo ay nasasaktan siya.
Dahil nasasaktan din ako.
Lalo pa't ako ang dahilan kung bakit siya nahihirapan at nasasaktan ngayon.
I didn't know for how long I was staring at him. Bumalik lang ako sa reyalidad nang maupo siya sa tabi ko, sa edge ng bed. Then he snaked his arms around me and looked at me patiently.
"You okay?"
Nagpapalit-palit ang tingin ko sa mga mata niya bago marahang tumango. He smiled and hugged me and Pascal. He kissed the top of my head. But I was just there, leaning on him, letting him make me feel at ease.
"I want to protect you from all the evil things in the world, Vivienne."
He knows that I don't want to hear it when someone calls me by my name because I keep on remembering what happened. But he kept on calling me by my name. Because he's trying to change the perspective.
Tina-try niyang palitan ang alaalang naiisip ko tuwing maririnig ang sariling pangalan. Tina-try niyang ipa-memorize ang feeling tuwing tinawag niya ako sa pangalan ko. Tina-try niyang ang boses niya, 'yung pakiramdam na nandito siya, na ligtas ako, ang maaalala ko at wala nang iba.
"I can't take the fear away but I can be with you so you're not facing it alone."
He slightly pulled himself away so that he could look at my face. Iniangat ko ang ulo ko at tiningala siya, pinantayan ang titig niya. He removed the strand of my hair that's blocking my sight.
"Dito lang ako sa tabi mo. Palagi. Hindi kita iiwan. Hindi ako aalis."
"How... how can you do that?" I asked in a hushed voice.
His forehead suddenly had a crease. It was followed by his furrowed brows. Nagpapalit-palit ang titig niya sa mga mata ko, nagtatanong nang hindi ginagamit ang bibig. The confusion is palpable in his face. So I had to breathe deeply.
"How can you be like this? How can you be so kind to me? After..."
I stopped.
I breathe again.
My vision was getting blurry because of restrained tears. But I know I have to continue. I have to tell him what's inside my head because if not, I wouldn't know what would happen to me.
"... after everything I did. After everything you discovered about me."
Hindi siya nagsalita. Nanatili siyang nakatitig sa akin, hindi alam ang sasabihin. The look on his face tells me that he wasn't expecting that question from me.
So even if it hurts so bad, I continue, "How can you fathom staying with the person who killed your mother?"
Napapikit siya sa narinig ngunit hindi pa rin siya sumagot. Ramdam ko ang pahigpit niya ng kapit sa baywang ko pero nanatili lang siyang tahimik.
Parang hinahayaan niya lang pumasok sa tainga niya 'yung mga tanong ko tapos ilalabas sa kabila.
"Why are you still here? Why are you helping me? Why are you staying with me?"
I feel like crying but I'm trying my best not to. Because I don't want to. I don't want to be vulnerable in front of him. I don't want to always appear weak in his eyes. Because I'm scared that it might be the reason why he's staying with me.
Natatakot akong naaawa lang siya sa akin kaya hindi siya umaalis sa tabi ko.
Tumigil ako sa pagtatanong, hinihintay siyang sumagot. But it took forever but all I ever received was defeaning silence.
"Liam, why?" umiiyak nang ulit ko. Kasi hindi ko na kaya. Ang bigat na sa dibdib. Ang sakit sakit na. "Bakit hanggang ngayon nandito ka pa rin?"
"Gusto mo na ba 'kong umalis?" nasasaktan niyang tanong gamit ang paos na boses.
This time, ako naman ang hindi nakasagot. Ako 'yung natameme. Ako 'yung natahimik at ang tanging nagawa lang ay ang titigan siya habang tahimik na umiiyak.
Umiiyak na naman... sa harap niya.
Kasi hindi ko rin naman gusto na umalis siya. Hindi ko gustong mawala siya sa tabi ko. Hindi ko gustong iwanan niya ako.
Ang gulo.
Ang gulo-gulo ng isip ko.
Gets ko naman. Alam ko namang nasasaktan ko siya. Baka nga ang makita lang ako ay sapat na para ibalik lahat ng sakit no'ng nawala sa kaniya 'yung mommy niya. Kasi parang ako 'yung nagsisilbing reminder kung bakit nangyari 'yon, e. Kung bakit ngayon hindi na niya kasama 'yung mommy niya.
Nagkamali ako, e. Nagkasala ako. Alam ko 'yon.
Pero ang kapal ng mukha ko sa part na ako na 'yung nagkasala pero ako pa 'yung selfish. Ang selfish ko sa part na kahit dapat nang ilayo ang sarili ko para hindi ko siya masaktan lalo, hindi ko rin kaya. Hindi ko kayang lumayo siya.
Hindi ko kayang mas masaktan pa siya sa piling ko pero hindi ko rin kayang mawala siya sa tabi ko.
Sobrang gulo.
"Ayaw mo na ba 'ko rito?" tanong niya ulit.
Umiling ako. Paulit-ulit. Habang pinupunasan ang mga luha sa mga mata ko gamit ang likod ng mga kamay ko. Para makita ko siya nang maayos. Nang mas malinaw.
Pero mas lalo lang akong nasaktan nang makita ang itsura niya. It reminds me of the day when policemen arrested me in Palawan. How bloodshot his ocean eyes were. How grievous it makes me feel by merely looking at his face.
"H-Hindi mo 'ko maintindihan. Hindi 'yan ang tinutukoy ko. I'm asking you, Liam. I was the one who first asked! Don't answer me with another question!"
"Hindi rin kita maintindihan, mahal."
He reached for my cheeks, attempting to wipe the tears away but I was quick to shake my head, shooing his hand away from my face. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want to break down in front of him. Not after we talked about this.
"I was at fault, Liam. I was the one who wrecked you. Because of me, she... your mother... d-died. Kasalanan ko, Liam. Kasalanan ko 'yon. Kaya paano... bakit... nasasaktan ka na, e. Alam kong nasasaktan kita. Kaya bakit? Bakit ka nandito? Bakit ka nananatili? Bakit hanggang ngayon ako pa rin ang iniintindi mo? Is that how kind you are? Is that how pure you are to help the person who murdered and abandoned your mother?"
"You didn't do that."
"I did!" I shouted as I cry. "I murdered her. I abandoned her. I saw it all. I saw it and did nothing. I was evil. I am evil!"
"No."
"Liam!"
Umiling siya at muling iniangat ang kamay upang hawakan ako, ang mukha ko. I shook my head. Para hindi niya ako mahawakan. Ngunit hindi ako nagtagumpay.
Mas lalo lang akong umiyak. Mas lumakas ang hagulgol. Mas lalo ko siyang nakitang nahihirapan... nasasaktan... habang pinupunasan ang luha ko kaysa ang mga luhang pumatak sa mga pisngi niya.
"Hindi mo naman kasalanang binunggo no'ng driver 'yung nanay ko, mahal. Hindi mo kasalanang iniwan niya 'yung nanay ko. Hindi mo kasalanang umalis dahil biktima ka rin no'ng gabing 'yon—"
"Kasalanan ang pumikit, Liam."
Natigil ang hinlalaki niya sa pagpupunas ng luha sa pisngi dahil sa narinig. Kahit nanlalabo ang paningin, kitang-kita ko kung paano siya natigilan. Kung paano niya ako tinitigan. Kung paano niya binawi ang kamay niya mula sa mukha ko. Kung paano siya yumuko at pinunasan ang mas maraming luhang kumawala sa mga mata niya. Kung gaano siya nahihirapan at nasasaktan ngayon sa harap ko.
I wished those pain to be mine because I deserved it more than him. I should be the one who's hurting right now. Hindi niya deserve na masaktan nang ganiyan. Hinding-hindi.
"Kapag alam mo 'yung katotohanan, kapag mulat ka sa mga nangyari, kasalanan ang pumikit. Kasalanan ang magbulag-bulagan. Nakita ko lahat no'ng gabing 'yon pero nanatili akong tahimik, tikom ang bibig, kaya ano'ng pinagkaiba ko sa kaniya? Ano'ng pinagkaiba ko kay Kuya Vincent?"
Kasabay ng pagpunas ko sa mga luhang tumatabon sa mga mata ko ay ang pag-angat niya ng tingin sa akin. Our eyes met but I saw nothing, I felt nothing but pain. Too much pain.
"I've taken so much away from you, Liam. I don't want to ruthlessly take more of you."
"What do you mean by that, then? What do you want to do? Do... do you want us to stop?"
"I am causing you so much pain... and that's the last thing I wanted to do."
"I will endure the pain if it means staying with you."
"Liam..."
He shook his head, brought his thumbs to my cheeks to wipe the tears away, and stared into my eyes.
"I knew everything yet I stayed silent because I love you. I love you, Vivienne, that's why I'm staying with you."