New Beginning
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I've been dealing with this hell I own in my whole life.
Schizophrenia is really something else.
When hallucinating shadows and having weird, unexplained and scary dreams at the same time ever since when I was six years old.
Growing up and all I can do right now, is to pretend something like that isn't my life but it's still been challenging and exhausting and I don't have a choice but act like I'm a normal teenager with normal life rather than be a crazy kid who can see things. Just like what I'm doing right now, just drawing and making pieces on my notebook like every kid who get bored in class, like a human being. That's the only part I can be normal.
Making art has meanings sometimes when you describe it by illustrating those obvious details but this one artwork was something else. The details may be little and so obvious that what if it has a hidden meaning too? I just have to seek it enough.
Yes, this is the artwork I was working on for boredom in class while the teacher was discussing the lessons but drawing a random guy's eyes on my notebook looked so serious and familiar.
I would've colour this pupil green though I have a thought it was perfect colour. Then, I was taken aback when I examined the shape of his eyes, eyebrows and imagine it was just.... green. I've thought it was familiar from someone I know.
"Hey, are you coming to Jerry's party tomorrow night?" Mia, my best friend asked while the teacher goes back writing on the blackboard with their lessons based on the movie we watched a moment ago named Inferno that adapted from Dan Brown's book.
I stopped shading and staring at my own drawing in a moment before Mia called me again behind my back, I blinked and looked over my shoulder "Are you going?— oh wait, of course you are going, you like that creepy asshat."
"Hey! Stop being so mean, (y/n)!" Mia whispered-yell.
"Stop being so blind, Mia." I looked away and sighed.
"Come onnnn, come with me! It'll be fun, and you never know, this awesome party might change your life after you go!" Mia groaned childishly and leaned back in her chair.
"Fine, let's just have fun then." I announced and Mia's lips curled into amusement and squealed like a fangirl.
Then suddenly, I noticed something weird going on, again, as I looked up and check outside the windows, nine feet away from the school, I could see a group of dark shadows that resembled clouds with small lighting emerging from the trees. My heart has begun to beat fast. When I looked back, everything gone silence, my classmates and my teacher were suddenly staring straight on the blackboard like statues. My hair on the back of my neck stood up, goosebumps chilling on my spine "Shit, not this again."
I'm dreaming again.
When I took another look at the windows, I noticed that the shadows were already so close that they were almost within the windows. I turned to look at the people around me as their faces and clothing turned a grayish color, resembling gravestones. I knew that the next thing I would see was a fire because I had previously had this nightmare for like a tons of times.
But the dream suddenly changed when the blackboard vanished and became a wall of total darkness, more shadows have since begun to appear on every corner. When I quickly stood up, everything vanished, leaving just me and this completely dark space alone. I had to cover my ears with my hands, close my eyes, and crouch down on the ground as eerie noises with a spark of tiny lightings and tons of thick shadows moved towards me. I felt like a little scared child again, having nightmares like this every night that I never manage to escape and wake up from these kinds of dreams. Then now, it's coming back again but getting worse.
My ears began to ring with a loud pitch, which gradually faded away before being replaced by silence.
I gently opened my eyes and noticed a single glowing gold feather swaying in front of me before falling over the dim river that was illuminated by the moon. I stroked the feather out of curiosity because I'd never seen anything like that before in a nightmare, and then I saw a silhouette of a man with what appeared to be devil horns on his head, and after that, there was a lot of fire in my eyesight.
I felt the flesh on my entire body burn, and when I looked down, I noticed that my hand's skin had gone gray with long, pointed nails. A white blank suddenly faded over my eyelids, and that's when I woke up and returned to reality.
My mouth let out a slight gasp as my eyes opened, and I straightened my back to look out the window. In the rearview mirror, I could see trees and puddles on a wet road past us, and I could hear the light rain falling outside the car's window.
I was supposed to begin my first day of school at the academy yesterday, but I wasn't feeling well and wasn't ready yet. I've been staying and spending time alone in my room depressed because of this trauma, that this bad memory couldn't stop replaying in my head. It's been a month, but it's still unforgivable.
My mother had left messages when I peered down at my phone's screen at 8:54 AM.
"We are getting close." Said the driver, and I just nodded.
"Okay, and I'm still going to be late." I slightly murmured.
Back to the strange nightmare, this time it was even weirder and different, and I caught a glimpse of a gold feather. also, a man with horns appeared to be the devil? And somehow my skin started to turn gray?
I wore my left earpiece and bit my lower lip in anxiety while I listened to Prey by The Neighbourhood on my iPod.
[scene soundtrack ▶️]
...
I opened my messaging app and read the message from my mom;
__________________
I locked my phone, put it down on my lap and wore the other earpiece and just listened to the song and not pretend being disappointed when I just already knew.
Try behave this time? How could I try behave after of what happened? People see me freak and insane, now including my best friend Mia. She won't forgive me, would never forgive me especially when she feel betrayed by the fact that the boy she liked who I killed in the fire was hitting on me before he died. I never liked Jerry, he was the worst human being, he even almost did something to me without consent while I wasn't sober at the party and then a fire happened out of nowhere, and she doesn't know that? Still, I hated him but, It wasn't my intention to kill him, I swear. It was the shadows. That's all I know.
Yes, I just saw them again... shadows, my hallucination, shadows out of nowhere that caused the fire in Jerry's party and I'm not sure if I should be glad I was save by that fire from Jerry's malicious actions towards me when I still hurt some people in that party, it wasn't good. That's where the part gotten more worse that I started hurting people because of shadows that I can only see. Those shadows I keep seeing since I was a child, it came back again but so much worse and it haunts me everywhere I go.
Maybe I am just cursed. Yes, sometimes I believe I was born cursed, it explains how and why I am seeing things ever since when I was six, too young and got so early for seeing doctors and taking medications while diagnosed with schizophrenia for having hallucinations with those shadows just like from my dreams.
But, this time is different and I decided to stop taking medicines secretly because it suddenly become much worse than I thought, the medicines is starting to be useless.
That's why I'm here right now moving on for the new beginning, to get treated and change who I am as that's what my parents said and thinking of moving me to a reform school for kids with mental and health issues like me, to get some help and get treated at this academy called "Sword & Cross" after the police accused me of a crime. A tragic accident happened I didn't do.
It wasn't my fault, I didn't do it.
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"We are here, kid." The driver announced.
I blinked, looked up and saw the buildings above the trees, when the car turned to the side, I saw the tall gray gate with a plastered of Sword & Cross academy logo on the middle from a far. I noticed the rain has stopped and I looked down at my phone to check the time, it's 9:11 AM in the morning.
Two security guards opened the tall gate as we arrived and parked in front of the building. I raised my head and noticed the academy school is not so ordinary looking when being a massive gray castle. I got out of the car, set my foot on the wet ground and looked around the place, mostly examining it, the forest, the detailed angels and gargoyle statues and every part of the details of this gray school castle.
My driver got out of the car as well to handed my duffel bag and luggage out from the trunk and I took them and thanked him after. The driver waved a hand to say bye before he got back inside the car, I waved my hand back with a small smile on my face while I carried my bags and stepped inside the academy.
My eyes wandered around again this may be a castle but this place is like a maximum security prison, I looked up in awe through the ceilings and examine those detailed sculpture statues and majestic paintings.
I came to a halt when I noticed a CCTV camera on a corner of the ceiling close to the attendant's desk, which was empty. Where are they? I just overheard several teenagers chatting and teachers discussing about lessons in the hallway close to the courtyard. I leaned against the counter, took off my earphones, and peered through the window of the attendant's office door in front of me.
Weird feeling how suddenly I sensed someone's footstep on the stairs behind me from above the lobby, I saw a shadow of a body figure was projected on the wall next to the office door with sunlight shining over it. It resembled a man standing alone on the stairs, leaning on the handrail and watching my back.
A loud bell rang and a group of students started heading outside their classrooms and down the stairs from second floor as I heard their footsteps. I knitted my eyebrows, looked over my shoulder, looked up to check if there was a person on that stairs, and... all I could see just a random group of teenagers strolling down the stairs and proceeding to the courtyard and other hallways, it's such a big castle.
A sudden loud slam of files on the desk that made me startled slightly and looked away from unknown guy who was watching me but how can I be so sure that someone was watching me? It could be just a ghost or worse my hallucinations? Wait, that's new aside from shadows. I blinked to move on from my thoughts and faced the attendant who's now standing behind the desk, finally.
"Hello! You must be miss (Y/n) (L/n)!"
The attendant presumed with a -not-so-welcoming-look. "You missed your first day of school and you're late." He added with a fake smile.
"Sorry, and I wasn't feeling well yesterday I-"
I got cut off when he showed me this box he set down the desk, unrecognizable box "Come on, fill it in. this place isn't afraid to do a strip search. So, if you're packing any other hazards stuff—save yourself from the trouble."
"I don't have any hazard stuffs in here."
He looked down at my hand holding a phone. "Drop it."
What!? How am I supposed to stay in contact with everyone? My only connection outside this world.
"Listen here kid, you get one phone call once a week in the main lobby. So don't worry."
A one phone call? Once a week? Well, sure as if I 'stay' connected with my parents and one of my friends from old school who still talks to me. I rolled my eyes slightly, glanced at my phone and sighed deeply "Alrightt-" I slowly opened my fingers letting the phone slip from my grasp "-no worries." I manage a sarcastic smile.
"And that too." He pointed my earphones that connected on my iPod hiding in my pocket.
"Really?" I sighed in annoyed.
He nodded with sarcastic smile "Really."
I groaned silently while I rolled the wire of my earphones around the iPod before I dropped it on the box too. "And there is your schedule." He pointed the paper on the desk.
I grabbed and checked it- today is Tuesday and I have history class next in an hour. Great 'my' first day entering this reform academy, History class will be my first subject in 3 hours with this people. I looked up and watched the students walking downstairs and around the academy, basically having their own worlds.
I noticed that the kids here don't look anything like the ones from my old school, I saw some with dark and edgy tattoos on their arms, kids hiding themselves in hoodies, and some who look normal and have their own sense of fashion, like me, by wearing a simple black tank top, denim jacket, black skinny jeans, and combat boots and I also noticed a blonde girl with a pretty manicure and a pink skirt, who reminded me of the girls from my school. Even a group or clique of kids still exists here in this reform school too, it almost looked normal school but except this huge castle looking like hogwarts and church at the same time.
The attendant looked down at the chart, flipping my student file in the folder and handed me the keys. "Room 64. Leave your things in my office, you can unpack later afternoon." He pushed the office's door opened behind him.
I dropped my bags in his office behind him as he said.
The attendant, looked around the lobby like he was looking for someone "Anddd we have to wait for Miss Penn who will take you-."
Then I heard a girl's voice from the hall- "Oh, lookie what a surprise! Is this pretty lady meant to be another new student?" She is paler than these statues, has dark brown side braided hair, huge, light eyes with a smudge of mascara on the crease, and dressed in a dark clothing with ripped pants.
She appeared excited meeting me with her eyes flashed with interest as if I were some sort of celebrity or something,
"Arriane, you're not supposed to be here." The attendant said with his stoic look over his face.
She rolled her eyes "Shush, Randy. I got this! Since I came here first before Penn or keep complaining like you have more time to deal with this late student," she said as she waved him off.
Randy, a name of the attendant sighed and checked his watch, looked around for Penn again, he shook his head and he motioned his hand towards the girl while he looked at me. "Whatever. She will give you a tour around this academy and lead you to your room. So please- just behave you two, especially you Arriane"
She jumped happily and stood next to me and winked at him "Copy that." Then she held my shoulder and gently lead me straight to the hallway.
The girl took my file folder, flipped the papers, and said "I'm Arriane." She looked at me and smiled welcomely "Just simple Arriane."
"I'm (y/n) (l/n)."
"Oh, I know!" She nodded with confidence and a smug smile.
I furrowed my brows and feel kinda confused, know who I am?
She curled her lips and showed my student file paper "I can read." By referring, my name was written on the file, of course.
I let out a small chuckle and nodded sheepishly while I saw some kids were walking passed at us and staring at me and I even saw couple kissing each other, the way they kiss were so aggressive makes me feel sick in my stomach when I saw their tongues knot together like it's the end of the world, some loners having own world in the corners, and the rest seem look normal (even though they aren't, since they're here in this kind of place).
"Right. Well.. nice to meet you Arriane." I smiled softly and looked back at her.
She chuckled softly "Well, pleasure to meet you too, my friend!" She nudged my arm, her smile is so genuine. Didn't expect some people are friendly here, or maybe just her. I hope we can be friends, she seems so cool.
Arriane patted my back while giving a tour. "Well, just so you know everyone you see here, those aren't like your people from your old school (y/n)! Everyone here is different." She explained.
We stopped by the steps and in front of the courtyard, it is such a big field with kids around that just got out of the class. Arriane pouted and look over my shoulder and saw my schedule "Girl- history class? We're gonna be late." She yawned while she checked her watch. "But lemme take a sit for a sec." She sat down and rested her chin on her palm, with her eyes closed.
I was leaning on the statue beside the concrete steps, while I looked around there was someone that caught my attention, a blonde hair guy, he's a good looking with a charm and angelic features, I would thought he was mistaken staying in this kind of school because of the way he looks, but hey, don't judge the book by it's cover right?
His eyes were so light and almost violet, that's so rare for him to be born with those eyes, he has broad shoulder and visible biceps though his fitted white t-shirt, and he was with his guy friends. They were laughing and just chatting like we are in a normal school.
Suddenly he glanced at my place and saw me watching him, his eyes widened in a sec as if like he was surprised to see me and he narrowed it as he stared at me back. I furrowed my brows in puzzled and then he looked away and kept talking to his friends.
Arriane sniggered little "Oh that one, is taken by a lil' friend of mine name Luce. She's always trying to hit that guy so if I were you-"
"I'm not interested." I said simply and smiled amusedly, like hello, why would I hit on a guy from a reform school with troubled kids who some has criminal records. "Like, seriously? It's a waste of time." I chuckled little.
Arriane raised a brow "Hmm bet."
"Yeah, really." I looked back and saw the blonde hair guy heading back inside the castle with his friends for the next class.
"Says a pretty fine girl like you? Sure. Noted." Arriane pouted sarcastically.
"Come on, he ain't my type."
That made Arriane stood up, laughed, clapped her hands then she lifted a finger and shook it "Of course, he is not." She said like she really knows what type of guy I like even though we just met today which is funny so I joined to her silly laugh with my chuckle.
We continued heading our way, back inside the castle along the other kids who's heading to their next class.
I followed Arriane to the classroom, which was a separate room from the one the guy with blonde hair was heading to. She opened the door, got inside first. I gradually looked around and saw six people in the room with no teacher yet. All eyes are on me but suddenly there was someone caught my eye, but this time, it hits different once I saw him.
A tall, dark hair, fit guy with a broad shoulder and great biceps, who is wearing a plain black v-neck shirt, pale skin, large, deep green eyes, tattoos on his arms, gold rings with an angel wings design that matches one of his tattoos, and a variety of stylish bracelets.
I didn't notice how I was staring at his dark lashes and waited for him to look back at me while he was resting against the window with his arms crossed and talking to his friend
Arriane in her confidence, she announced as we walked in the room "Everyone! We have another new student! Meet miss (Y/n) (L/n)" She said with a jazz hands in the air.
"Oh, god." I murmured myself and gave a forced small smile.
As Arriane introduced me, the guy paused his conversation and looked up. I caught him gazing at me, and something tells me the shape of his eyes are so familiar.
The way his gaze was so genuine, warm, and alive when he first saw me left me feeling dazed. He stood up straight with his combat boot making a slight loud squeak on the floor and accidentally hitting the leg of the chair in front of him. He looks like he seen a ghost or something?
It was almost feel like we were alone in this room when our eyes locked in a moment.
...
...
Then Arriane happened, when she yelled and brought us back to the reality "Yeahh, she's here." With her eyes flashed at him and I glanced at her in puzzled "-with usss." She added and sang, seems like she was teasing someone in the room that I probably know who I thought was.
Even his friend he was talking to asked him if he was okay. He almost dropped his jaw but maintain his cool before the people saw him acted that oddly when he stood up straight and made a noise with his boot and chair. But gotta say, those green eyes are mesmerizing, It was hard to take my eyes off of him when it tells me I've seen them before when actually I haven't even met him before.
"So, Daniel isn't on your list...." Arriane teased.
"What- who?" I narrowed my eyes at her in confusion.
"The one isn't your type you say? Hm. We'll see about that." Arriane whispered and tilted her head by pointing that guy, yikes she noticed where I was paying attention to, and she also find it amusing how that guy saw me, he looked so surprised. Actually, I kinda find it cute when he acted like that like he seen a ghost which was weird. I looked away in embarrassment.
Arriane wrapped her arm around mine and took me to the second last row seat next the windows, we sit next to each other. I looked back again and saw the guy crossed his arms, leaned on the wall again, and I could still feel his eyes glued on me, giving glances while he was talking to his friend every time I look away.
"Alright! Sit down! Sit down."
The teacher finally has arrived along with other students while I can still sense the guy's stare to my presence but once he start to walked towards me, my heart immediately jumped when he sat on the school chair behind my back.
The teacher distributed the history books to the students as he set the books in every row, when the person in front of me offered the two books, I took mine before I spun around on my seat to offer the last book to the guy, suddenly I hit his shoulder with the book accidentally while he was picking up his pen that fell on the ground.
I said, "Sorry," and he lifted his head before his eyes locked mine. He stared at me for about five seconds, looking at every part of my face with a little awe look while our faces was in four inches apart.
He smiled faintly and glanced at my lips which made my heart heaved, "It's okay, (y/n)." He grabbed the book I handed.
The way he said my name like he knows me when the fact I remember Arriane just introduced me in the whole class a moment ago. He gave a nod "I'm Cam Briel."
"Nice to meet you, Cam." I blinked and averted my eyes from his gaze, felt myself blushing.
"Likewise."
Cam backed away as he leaned back on his chair and rested his temple over his fist while I spun around on my seat and sit properly and pay attention to the class. When I looked over my shoulder to give a long glance and saw him this closer than a moment ago, I swear I've seen his eyes before.
A pink dusting on my cheeks when he suddenly looked up and caught me, he gave me a smile and gazed at me that I had to give a quick friendly smile to not be rude before I looked away quickly and I catch myself staring at him again.
Wait, isn't it weird that I had this feeling before as if it's like we have met, or am I just crazy? Wait, I don't wanna be that kind of crazy over just a boy. That's weird.
But those eyes looks so familiar to me?
When he replied with that unexpected attractive voice and there it is again... a strange feeling like I also have heard that voice before. He sounded familiar too...
Cam opened his notebook, wrote the date today but his pen wasn't working since after it fell on the floor in accident a moment ago. He looked up and to everyone in the class, he rubbed his chin with his thumb thinking if he wanted to ask for help, Arriane caught him and she just stick her tongue out then wiggled her eyebrows at the girl in front of him. Me.
Cam wasn't hesitant to lean over and slightly whispered behind me "Hey." and I moved my head to the side without looking. He asked "Do you have an extra pen? Mine got out of ink just now but it's okay if-."
"Give me a sec." I opened my bag and took out my other pen but the ink was blue, damn it, I never like blue ink pens but why do I have this? I looked over my shoulder and saw Cam watching me, he brushed his dark hair through the side, he raised his brows and waiting.
"It's blue." I whispered.
"Hm?" He moved little closer to hear me clearly, and what the hell my heart just jumped in a sec because of that.
"I said, it's a blue ink.. I don't know why I have this but it's only extra pen I got." I handed it to him.
Hi mouth quirked up into a smile and held the pen "That's a no problem, I don't mind. I like blue." He shook it and he gave me a wink "Thank you." Before he leaned back on his chair.
I looked away as my cheeks flushed and my body tensed up because the way his face was close and that wink he gave. I've started to try pay attention to the class more for three hours while I could still feel his eyes sometimes watching my back. Shouldn't I feel worried about this situation I'm feeling?
But... his name is Cam Briel. Why it has to feel like everything seems so familiar all of the sudden?
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