CHAPTER SONG -I'll Be Good, Jaymes Young
Mateo
Fuck, my head is pounding, and it feels like someone bulldozer through me. No, more like I have been tortured for hours, and now I'm coming back for them to have some more fun. Even blinking felt like someone was stabbing blades into my eyes. "Morning, how was your nap?" I heard someone ask, and I recognized the voice right away.
I put more effort into it this time, blinking through the fuzziness until Maddox came into view. Still a little blurry but I could see him and his brownish stained untamed hair that looked like he ran his fingers through about a million times. The collar of his black tee, tugged on. And he had his legs propped up on the bed beside were I laid as he watched me with a grin from his chair. He might be grinning, but his also tired because I can see the bloodshot taking over his pale eyes.
"You look like you need a nap." I muttered, my dry mouth making me cough. I left my arm, but pain shot through me and made me wince. Maddox hopped off the chair. "Chill out there, sleeping beauty." he said, grabbing a jug of water by the bed and filling up a cup, "Your high as fuck right now. All the best drugs. I made sure myself that it wasn't any of that weak shit."
Was that why I felt so groggy?
"Very kind of you." I replied, running my tongue through my mouth and tasting the cotton mouth. He turned, handing me the cup of water. "I know, I'm the best." he smiled, and I lifted my other arm that hurt less and grabbed it from him.
Taking a slow slip, I looked around the room. Clearly, I was in a hospital room and a curtain was pulled to the side of me. In front of me, I could see all my siblings. Ash, stretched across the couch with Lily on his chest and both of them knocked out. Kirsan, sat at the end of the couch with his head tipped back and sleeping. And Aster, she was in her own chair, curled up in a little ball and sleeping peacefully. How long have they been here?
I looked back to Maddox and handing him the cup. He took it, eyes dropping in exhaustion as he set the cup down and dropped himself into the chair. And it was something about the noise of the leg's scratching against the ground that brought all my memories back. The echo's of the shots. My own gun kicking me back as I emptied a clip into the man. Lina, and her body slammed into me. Her lifeless eyes fading as they looked up at me. And finally, her bloody body in my hold.
I shot forward. "Where is she?"
Maddox jerked in his chair, grabbing my hands to stop me from yanking the lines out of my veins. But I needed to find her. I needed to see her. I needed to make sure she's alive. Oh god. Oh fuck. What if... What... I don't remember anything past the paramedics, and even that is foggy. Fuck those drugs.
Maddox pushed my hands away, fighting me. "Stop it." he hissed, trying again but I wouldn't stop until I have her back in my arms. "No." I hissed back, "Where is she? Where is she Maddox?" I groaned in pain, and still fought him with everything I had left.
He didn't give up. "Let me go! I need to find her." I winced as I threw my legs over the side of the bed. But he shot forward and placed himself between my legs so that I couldn't move. He swung out, gripping my neck to force me to stop moving and I grabbed onto his forearm. "Just let go." I begged.
He held on harder. "I'm not fucken letting go. Suck it fucken up. Quit making this harder."
The door opened, and a second later someone was dragging me backwards by my shoulders and Maddox was letting go. "Hijo, stop it."
I didn't stop fighting and swung my hands forward to get out of his grip, but he didn't let go. I felt tears pour into my eyes, but I didn't give one fuck. If she was gone, I might as well be too. If she's dead, they should have let me go too. I wouldn't make it without her. I won't. So, I continued to try to get up, because I needed to find her. But my dad didn't let go, his strong hands holding me from even getting an inch of this stupid fucken bed.
Maddox shot away, grabbing the curtain and dragging it open. "Look! Mateo, fucken look."
I shot my head to him, and my body collapsed onto itself as I fell limp. He ran back to me, checking my arms because they were bleeding now from me ripping the lines out, but me? I stared at my sun and moon laying in the bed a few feet away from me. I never thought that love, and peace was giving to people like me. My dad must have been some lucky mistake. But I have been a sinner, and I'm sure there is a place in hell for me. My name, it's craved somewhere there, just for me, my own hell. But there, a few feet away from me laid a girl who I'm a million percent sure has her own palace in heaven.
I never expect to fall in love with someone like Lina. I never thought I would have the privilege of it because people like me they don't deserve her love. The law of the universe says a man like me doesn't deserve anything soft, or good, but I defined it. I am in love with the world's sweetest soul that bleed goodness. With ever single part of her, every pieces and crumble, I love.
I could compare her to every sunset, and sunrise. I could compare her to every beautiful thing that is on this earth but it's not enough, She's more then that. She's the blood that runs through my veins and gives me life. The beat in my chest. The thought's in my mind. She was what makes me live, and all of me is breathing for, and about her.
I felt myself be pulled back into the bed by my dad. "Give her to me." I practically begged.
Maddox shook his head. "Mateo your fucken hurt. You need to rest, and so does she."
I can't rest until she's in my arms. Doesn't he understand that? I looked at him, tears raining out of me, and I couldn't find one shit to give. She jumped in front of me. She was ready to give up her life for me. For what? For me to just fill that spot in hell a little while later? Because that's what would have happened. I wouldn't have stayed here. Not for anyone, not without her.
I would lose the blood in my vein's if she was gone. I would lose myself.
I chocked. "Please."
Maddox ran both of his hands through his face in frustration, and even in his own pain before looking at my dad. "Talk some sense into your son. He shouldn't even be moving and his already creating a fucken mess."
I turned to look at my dad. And I don't know if it's because he knows what it's like to love deeply, and to lose deeper. Or if he just took pity of me but he walked around my bed, and towards Lina. I watched every single one of his movements on the edge of a break down. I watched him lift her gently into his arms, and she barely stirred. Which causing me to start panicking, air hitting the back of my throat. Maddox laid his palm on my shoulder. "She's out of drugs too. She has more then you. Her surgery went well, but they had to take her spleen out from the damage. She's going to recover, and the doctor said there shouldn't be any last effects."
I stared at her, thinking that only love can be this brutal to make me hate and love that I want her this much. Only it could destroy every last piece of me, and then give me the cure to mend myself back.
I didn't bother asking about myself because I didn't care in this second. I'm sure if it was bad enough, they would have told me. I felt fine, and it was just thought fucken dugs messing me up. This is why I don't do them. "No drugs next time." I muttered, keeping my attention on my dad carrying her.
"Next time?" Maddox gapped, "You better be fucken kidding. I had to be sedated because of you."
I looked at him. "Really?" I hope his kidding. But his harsh breath, and terrifying eyes told me he wasn't. I stiffened, "Are you okay?"
He shook his head and sat back down. "Yeah? Why do you ask? I have never been better." he smirked, trying to make me believe him, and failing badly.
I turned to my dad. "How is he?"
Maddox groaned as my dad walked around the bed. "Your mom says his having a traumatic episode, and that his past is fucken with his mind right now. Losing you would have probably ended him, and yes he was sedated for a few hours because he wouldn't leave you alone and needed to rest."
I wanted to drag him into myself, but I shifted a bit to let my dad put Lina down beside me. "Fucken hell, Madds." I said, and softly, my dad released Lina as I curled her into my arms, swiping the hair out of her beautiful face. She was perfect. Utter, speechless beauty. And I felt relief slammed into my chest the second I felt her lift in my hold. Felt her breath raise her body.
I didn't protect her last time, she protected me. She stole my breath, and everything I knew. She jumped in front of me, in front of a gun. She gave up her life to save me. And she was forever mine. I'm never giving her up. I'll follow her to every corner of the world she decides to end up in.
I held her closer to myself, feeling very breath she took and panicking every time she exhaled. What if she doesn't take her next breath? What if that's her last one? What if I---
"She's okay, hijo."
I raised my head up, looking at my dad standing at the end of the bed and watching me with agony in his cold gaze. I exhaled a breath that hurt and inhaled one that hurt equally more and gave him a nod. His been here. In my situation. Feeling this pain, and misery, and he got through it. I could too.
Maddox and my dad stood there, watching me and I watched them. Those two, they were everything to me and in my arms some someone who topped them. I never expect that, never thought I would find that kind of pure love, but it's there. She's here. In my arms. And I would have left this earth with her, and they know it. It's why they are looking at me like I might die. Like I might just crook right here. I might. If she does.
"I understand now, dad." I muttered, looking back down at her. I understand what he feel's when he hugs mom, when he has her in his arms. And I understand why they wouldn't be able to live without each other. Because it's not worth it.
I heard Maddox sit back down, and even my dad grabbed a chair and sat down too. I reached for Maddox, grabbed onto his fist that laid on the bed interlocked and he looked up at me, terror in his pale eyes. "You don't get to die if I die." I told him and he stared at me like he knew he would have anyways.
My dad kept fidgeting with the knife he had pulled out. Kept spinning it and tossing it up. I'm assuming it was to keep himself busy. Kirsan does it too. Expect he plays with his clothing, tugging and pulling just to keep his hand busy.
Finally, my dad cleared his throat. "I thought we could run our business from Texas." he said, and I looked up at him. "I was wrong. We have to many old links here, and people who know us, and what we were. To many enemies, and that was my fault. We are leaving the state."
I looked towards Maddox who yawned deeply and moved out of my hold and titled his head to look back at me from the headrest. My throat scratched as I asked, "Where?"
All my siblings were still knocked out, and it made me wonder how long they had been awake that they were so deadly asleep. Even after all the noise I made. But if I was fine then why were they still here? Clearly I'm fine. It's just a wound in the side that would heal. It's not the first. They know this, and yet they are all gathered as if I'm dying.
I looked down Lina in my arms and it hit me. For her. They were here for her. The realization knocked me back, making me gulp for air. She was family to them. I know those people, fuck, I am those people and it's not easy for us to accept strangers. We weren't raised to allow people into our lives but here they were spread across the room for her. And like we do for each other; they were here to be with her through every problem. Because that's how we worked. It didn't matter how big or small, you need us? We show up. And they showed up for her.
I looked back to my dad, who gave me a brief nod that told me I was right. "I suggest Chicago." he went on, and made me cringe. To far. Lina's going to New Yok. I didn't get a chance to bring it up because my dad kept going, "Your brothers and Maddox disagree. They are convinced New York is the correct move. Kirsan already found a building that his says is a good location, and Maddox contacted the property owner and has him working up the contract for the sale."
I looked towards Madds; a smile spread on his face. "You thought I would leave you hanging like that? Come on Mateo, same side, remember?"
If I could get up and hug him, I would. I would probably crush him. "Thanks." I crooked out instead.
His nose winkled. "Now don't turn into a babbling baby on me, because I don't want to explain to your girlfriend why I knocked you out." he chuckled, "She would probably try to bite me." Fuck, I love this guy.
My dad chuckled, making me look back to him. "You're moving the whole family down to New York for me?" I asked. I know he knows why my brothers and Maddox fought for New York. And at the same time, I wasn't welling to unroot everyone's lives because of me. If they choose to stay, or go somewhere different, I would understand.
My dad rolled his eyes, falling back in his chair with extra force. Something about the action made me chock on a laugh. Fuck, Ash really was his son. And it made me look over toward my little brother that laid peacefully with his arms wrapped around Lily. She was no longer on his chest, but slid down and tucked herself under his arm. "You think they will ever realize?" I asked.
They both turned to look at them before Maddox sighed. "I might kick his ass soon if he doesn't get his shit together."
My dad narrowed his gaze on Madds. "That's my son you're talking about."
"Oh yeah? Would have never guess. Doesn't look a drop like you."
"Anyways." My dad said, cranking his neck in tension. I know it's the hospital, the memories, and the fact that he hasn't left yet meant more to me then he understood. "I'm moving everyone but honestly Kirsan is already going to be there, and Ash is ready to sign for a team the moment his eighteen. You sister is already sending me text after text with photography schools, and museums. And Lily wouldn't shut up about some Fashion Institute she already submitted an application too." he sighed, running his hands down his face, "The point is, everyone ready. And the location is good for business. It's a business city, with opportunities, and investment options all over the place. Its away from here, and less people know us. I don't plan to stick around because the second you're in charge, I'm saying adios and going on a real vacation. The point is, it's not for you. It's for everyone."
I stared at him, processing it all a little slower because I'm still groggy from the damn drugs. But I understood everyone was uprooting their life's and I knew they are all doing it for their own reasons but it's a big change. I turned to Maddox, because his the only one my dad didn't mention in that whole speech. "What about you?" I asked.
"What about me?"
I shifted my arms, doing my best to ignore the tubs and discomfort of it. "What do you want?"
He leaned backward and threw his legs up onto the bed once again but carefully this time not to hit Lina. "Some food." he said, "I'm staving, and hospital food is not where it's at. I swear I took a bite out of a sandwich, and all the hospital germs danced on my taste buds." I watched him cringe.
"Madds." I sighed, and my dad stifled a laugh. That was clearly not what I was asking. "This is a big change. And you are still working through a lot. Are you okay with it?"
"Our side. You remember that?" he asked, looking at me through tired eyes, "You said to fight. I'm fighting. But we stick together. You want to go to New York? Whatever. There is literally nothing keeping me here expect you and family. What's it matters?"
I shook my head. "It matters. What you want, it matters to me. I need you to be happy again."
He stared at me, looking like he didn't believe that could happen. Like he wasn't sure if it really mattered. But it did. He knows about my selfish part that wants to keep him near me, in my corner, and in my hold but right now I need to know what he wants. I needed to know what would make him happy because if it's not New York, then I'm not letting him do it. I swore I would do anything to make him live again, and I'm keeping that promise.
I shifted to look at him better. "Madds you're my brother. If you chose not to come, I won't hold it against you. My side is your side, and your side is my side. I'll love you either way. I'll always fucken love you no matter what you choose. But don't choose me because you have too, because you were raised too. Choose yourself, please."
He stayed quiet, and I would be lying if I didn't say panic sorrowed up my chest and tightened my throat. I knew very well that he could choose a different path, and I wouldn't stop him. I wouldn't but the thought crippled me anyways. His always been with me, my constant, my support, and my other half. The idea that he won't be by my side is like a punch to the gut. But it didn't matter. I wanted a better life for him. If he chooses something different, you bet your fucken ass I'll support him to my last breath.
I shredded any emotion off my face and hid the panic I was feeling as I waited for him to answer. It took him a painful second, and I found myself holding my breath when he leaned forward. "Mateo, you're an idiot, you know that, right? Fuck. I had to be sedated because I couldn't sit still well they operated on you. Because you weren't near me. What makes you think I would ever leave you? What makes you think I know how to survive and live without you? I'm not choosing you; I'm choosing me. God damn, I have chosen to stand by you every fucken day because I needed you. I haven't regretted it for a second. You think it's about you? Think again. It's always been about me. I chose to be by you, and I will keep makes the choice because I'm just as selfish as you are."
Tension slipped off my shoulders, and I relaxed back into the bed. My lungs burned painfully as air filled them to the rim. He chose me, and I know it sounds ridiculous to be relived at that because some part of me always knew he would choose me but still. I still felt relief. I felt my sanity coming back to life and easing me at the knowledge that he was staying.
"Only if you think you can keep fighting in New York. Because I'm not letting you fucken give up."
He leaned forward. "Good."
We stared at each other for a second before the sound of my dad getting up caught our attention. "Enough of this shit. Your making me fucken need your mother." he said.
I looked him over, finding anxiety and rage shimming in his eyes. He missed him. I reminded him of my dad. Maddox and I, we remind him of them. I know this, and I wish I didn't remind him so much of my father but I'm glad I do. I'm happy I do because I have finally come to peace with the fact that my father might not be around, but his apart of me and that's a whole piece that's greater than the rest.
He walked to the door and paused to look at me. "I want a conversation with your girlfriend when she wakes up." I nodded in respond, and he turned to look at Maddox. "If he pulls that shit again, knock him out." he commanded, and Maddox laughed, as I rolled my eyes.