Clarissa and I had been taken to the teachers office where we were given cups of water, which went untouched, and had teachers I'd never seen before attempt to settle our nerves.
Clarissa had been trembling the whole time, her hands and legs violently shook, whilst she kept whispering "I've failed... I've failed..." over and over again.
My mind just felt blank. Empty. I was stunned, my whole body just dumb . I had just wittnesed a boy in my class die. It almost didn't even seem real... Could I have saved him?
My father was called to come and collect me from school, and I had to be escorted around the side of the school so I didn't see the body again. Somehow I managed to hold it all together until the front door closed behind me. My father immediately pulled me into a secure, loving hug when we got inside, and I felt myself cry. My father was the only person who I felt safe with. He was the only person who could hold me without sending me into distressed flashback mode.
Yet I was scared, with no idea why. After all, Hisoka's death had been an accident. I had to remember that I was safe.
Somehow, I dragged myself up the stairs. Exhausted, I ended up crying myself to asleep in bed. When I woke up, I glanced to my side and saw a bottle of water and a plate of sandwiches waiting for me.
I didn't have much of an appetite, but I sipped the water as I tried recalling the events that had happened at school. Then I pictured Hisoka... His legs broken and twisted so unnaturally, his head split in half, all the blood...
Luckily, I had just enough to time to jump out of bed and race to the bathroom before I threw up.
My father told me that I didn't have to go into school the next day, which I was grateful for. As much as I wanted to go see if Clarissa was okay, I knew I needed to take time to settle myself. Saturday and Sunday were spent at home, mostly sleeping. I didn't eat much, which meant I lacked energy to do the simplest of things. Homework was waiting for me, but I just couldn't concentrate. I considered drawing, but had no motivation. My hands were itching to do something, but my mind was completely shutting down at every suggestion.
My legs somehow gained a little strength, and on the Sunday afternoon I suddenly decided to go for a walk. The fresh air might have made me feel better. The park seemed like a nice choice. It meant having to walk passed my school, but I was willing to brave my fears.
I looked at the place where Hisoka had died. The area on the ground had new cornered off with yellow tape, and the window was still broken. My heart dropped and my knees buckled, but I turned my head and walked away, as if I could convince myself it was just a bad dream.
Every time I closed my eyes, I could see Hisoka - one moment he'd have his cheerful, cheeky smile, and the next he'd be laying on the ground, a mangled and bloody mess. It must have been a quick death. But I could still imagine that he knew what was going to happen, that he might not survive the fall. All the fear rushing through his body as he plummeted...
The park was large and spacious, no part of the bright and colourful playground equipment unoccupied by a small child. I noticed a couple pushing a pram, and a distant barking of a dog.
I decided to follow the stoned path to my left, which took me through a maze of trees. Each tree looked different and unique, and it was calming. I felt a sense of tranquillity wash over me as I passed through natures wonders. All the trees were slowly growing blossoms, most still just pink buds. Late bloomers. But I made a mental note to come back when they had fully bloomed into all their beauty.
My mind still wandered, and I had to sit down and close my eyes. Of course I'd miss Hisoka and his cheeky ways, but his death was an accident, and my auntie Mai told me that things always happened for a reason, that it was the world performing wonders. I didn't know how death taking Hisoka could be classed as a wonder, but I felt like it wasn't something I should question.
"Takeda-san?"
I opened my eyes, and saw Akira looking at me. He was wearing blue jeans and a plain black shirt lined with purple. It was odd seeing him without his school uniform.
I smiled at him, although his cold attire made me pull my coat around my shoulders. "Hello, Tanaka-san."
"Can I sit here?" He asked, motioning to the bench.
I gestured to the spare room next to me. "Of course."
Akira took the seat. And in that moment, I realised there was something a bit different about him, something I didn't realise before. A smoothness to his complexion, a gentleness to his actions, a higher pitch in his voice.
"How are you feeling?" Akira asked me, sitting down next to me. His voice was soothing. It probably wasn't the right time to be thinking such things, but damn he was attractive. "Clarissa-chan told me what happened. And you saw him fall from the window. I imagine you'll be scarred for life."
"Yes, thanks for the reminder," I said, a little bit harsher than I planned. "I'm sorry. I'm just shocked by it all. Do you know if Clarissa-san is okay?"
"I think so," Akira said. "She's been very quiet all weekend. She came to school on Saturday. I think she was disappointed that you weren't there, actually."
I was surprised. "Clarissa-san went to school?"
Akira nodded. "Since she's the stand-in class rep and head of countermeasures, she felt like she couldn't miss a day."
"Are...are you and Clarissa-san close?" I asked.
Akira smiled, as if he was looking back on an old but strong memory. "Clarissa-chan and I are childhood friends. We grew up in the same neighbourhood. She's helped me a lot with things. Discovering who I am, helping me be happy."
I suddenly felt a sense of warmth inside me. Seeing Akira talk about Clarissa so lovingly made me smile. I wish I had a childhood friend, someone to love me so much.
"I'm glad," I smiled at him. "It's really lovely that you have a friend like Clarissa."
Akira looked at me and smiled. "I'm trans."
I blinked. "You're a what?" He spoke so fast that I hadn't quite caught it.
"I'm transgender. To put it simply for you, I was born with a girl's body, but I identify as a boy."
"...Oh."
I didn't really know what to say in the moment, but Akira was a great help in teaching me. Telling me about how he'd always known, had really supportive parents who accepted his identity and helped him dress how he wanted and cut his hair in a style that suited. The school were more than happy to let him use his chosen male name and have him join in the boys sports, and apparently there was another transgender student in our class too, but Akira didn't tell me who. That was something I'd learn if the other person chose to tell me.
"I'm the T in LGBT, if you know what that is?"
"Yes," I grinned. "I'm definitely aware of that acronym. Yomiyama seems like the perfect, supportive place, why do you want to move away?"
"Just a fresh start, I guess," Akira sighed. "Everyone on Yomiyama knows the name I was born with, who I was before I began this journey publicly, and I just want to go somewhere big. Some place where nobody looks at me and tries to spot the feminine features I still have, somewhere I can blend in, where people can meet Akira and not need to know I'm trans."
I nodded. I wasn't transgender myself, so I could never truly understand what Akira was thinking and feeling. His life didn't resemble mine; I was happy being a girl. The least I could do was be supportive and encouraging and respectful. We all felt things differently after all, who would I be to deny Akira's feelings just because I didn't feel them for myself?
Akira felt relieved to have told me, and I thanked him. Then I ruined the moment.
"Tanaka-san," I faced Akira. "There's something I want to ask you. Do you know Fujiwara Riku?"
Akira caught his breath, and his face slowly fell. I could tell he was keeping a secret. But I needed answers. I needed to know why nobody else acknowledged Riku.
Akira sighed, and balled his fists. "Clarissa-chan never told you, did she?"
"Tell me what?" I asked.
Akira looked up, as if he was choosing his words carefully. I could feel my heart beat speeding up.
"Our class, class 3-3, is different from the rest of the classes at Yomiyama middle school," Akira began after taking a shaky breath. "It... It..."
I could tell this appeared to be a touchy subject, but I waited patiently for the answer I craved.
"Our class..." Akira hesitated again. "Sorry, Takeda-san, I don't know what to tell you..."
"Tanaka-san, I need answers," I pleaded. "I need to know what's going on. I can't be left in the dark."
Akira sighed. "I know. I'm sorry." He couldn't meet my eyes. "The deaths have begun."
"The deaths have..." I shook my head. "What do you mean they've BEGUN? Hisoka's death was an accident... right?" My eyes widened and voice wavered.
"Takeda-san, please be careful," Akira was about to touch my shoulder. I tried desperately not to flinch, but his hand never came in contact with my shoulder. Instead, it just hovered in the air for a brief moment before falling onto the empty bench in between us. "Don't mess with things that aren't real, or people will get hurt. Hisoka won't be the only victim."
Akira stood up and sprinted away. It reminded me of all the times Riku had run away from me. I was angry and hurt that nobody could just give me a simple explanation. In that moment, I made a decision to search for Riku and demand answers. Riku was real, I knew he was, he was very much a love and real and a member of our class. Someone needed to give me answers. I didn't want to be scared of going to school anymore.