♡ Alaiya's POV: ♡
"Everything is going to be fine," I tell myself.
Here's the thing.
In every single romance book I've read, the couple has taken ages to get together. There's tension, angst, arguments, a fight after the couple's finally happy, and then they live happily ever after. Same thing in movies.
But that's the problem.
Nobody ever talks about what happens after. Does the couple ever fight again? Does their past ever make a reappearance? Do they end up hating each other later on in their lives?
It's not just the fact that the couple isn't shown enough into the future, it's that when we do see them in the epilogue, all the issues they've had for their entire lives are suddenly gone.
They had anger issues because of something traumatic that happened to them when they were a kid? Oh, they met a girl so they're all fixed now. The girl was hurt by the men in her life? Oh, she met the love of her life. She's all good and doesn't ever think about it.
That's not how life works though.
For a long time, especially when I was a teenager, I would think that when Carson and I would get married, all my issues would go away. Obviously, that wasn't going to happen, but for some reason, our brains wrap around the fact that the minute marriage happens, we become this all-around happy person and forget every traumatic thing that's happened in our lives.
I get panic attacks at random places and times, but, when I'm married, I'll never have a panic attack again because I'll always be happy.
Not true.
I hate my body. Well, when I get married, I'll have someone who loves my body so I won't hate it anymore.
I wish it worked like that.
That's actually the topic that brought this thought to pop up in my head. Let's just say that three pregnancies do not make my body-image issues feel any better.
I had Aubrey about six months ago so the stitches have already dissolved, though the stretch marks are still very much present and make me want to cry every single time I look in the mirror. It's not that stretch marks are ugly, if any other woman had them, she would look gorgeous. It's just on me, it looks like the ugliest thing in the entire world. Roman says it's because of the unrealistic standards I set for myself. He's not wrong, but that doesn't mean I can just change them overnight. It takes time. A lot of time actually. And also apparently a lot of tears which is why I'm sitting in our closet, wiping my tears away.
Why is crying on the floor so much better than sitting on a bed or anywhere you're actually supposed to sit?
I hear the garage open.
I quickly shoot up while rubbing the water on my cheeks away so Roman doesn't freak out. That man will see a little bit of water flood my eyes and will immediately start asking me if I'm okay or if he can do anything. It's odd because when I first heard about him from a few people on campus, I was told that he was a straightforward person with no human emotions besides anger by the looks of it. That may just be the way he looks at people though. I've tried to get him to start smiling when people glance at him, but there's no hope at this point. He doesn't even realize he's doing it which makes it even funnier since kids will be intimidated by him even though he's probably just thinking about something random like beating up Rider. At least, I think that's the things Roman thinks about.
I quickly change out of the bathing suit which triggered these sets of tears so I can head downstairs. It's our anniversary in a few days and we were supposed to go on a little trip. Ivy had gotten me this beautiful bathing suit. Although, when I put it on, I felt everything but beautiful in it.
Maybe we should just stay home in our pajamas and watch a movie. I think that would be for the best.
"Dad!" I hear Autumn and Dayton yell as they run over to him while he's walking through the garage door.
Well, Autumn runs. Dayton sort of waddles since he's still getting used to walking.
"Hi my babies," he replies, a huge smile on his face.
See, he smiles.
He had been gone for a few days on a business trip, and usually when he goes on those, the kids miss him a ton. I do too which is why we usually FaceTime for half of his trip. Okay, a little more than half, but that's beside the point.
Roman hugs both Dayton and Autumn and then gives them both a kiss on the head and cheek. Once they let him go, he walks over to me and kisses me ever-so-gently, making those giddy butterflies come into my stomach all over again.
I remember I saw this video about how this girl was saying that if you still feel butterflies after being married, then you don't feel secure with the person you're with. I completely disagree though on some parts. I don't get the same butterflies I used to get when I first met Roman because those were more of me being nervous as to what he would be like and more of a scared feeling since I didn't know what would happen next. And though the butterflies I get now are still because he makes my heart skip a beat, they're also because he makes me feel secure enough to still feel all giddy with him, but also safe at the same time.
I smile into the kiss before he pulls away, trying to keep the grin on my lips as he looks down at me, but he gives me a weird "I know you've been crying" look. It only lasts for a second though so maybe I've gotten away with it.
A scream is heard from our left, and when we turn our heads around, we see Aubrey sitting in her rocker with a rattle that's shaped like a bunny in her hand.
"Hi princess." Roman smiles at Aubrey as she smiles excitedly back at him, her arms and legs going crazy.
I know our kids love Roman and me equally...except Aubrey. And I know you're probably like "Alaiya, that's probably not true", but you're wrong. During her birth, she cried like crazy the second we saw her which I guess is normal, but she didn't stop even while she was getting cleaned up or the nurses were rocking her. But the second Roman had her in his arms, the cries disappeared. She also laughed and smiled with him for the first time, but I got Dayton and Autumn to laugh first. Not that it's a competition.
"Someone hangs around Uncle Rider too much," Autumn jokes as Roman walks over to pick up Aubrey and kiss her cheek.
"You called." Rider enters through the garage door with a grunt and two bags on each of his arms.
He sighs as he drops them straight to the floor.
Roman walks over and slaps his head a little harshly with Aubrey in his other arm. "That was my fucking laptop dumbass."
"And that was my fucking head!" Rider shouts as he rubs the back of his head.
Roman rolls his eyes before walking to the carpet to sit Aubrey down on with his support of course since she's still super young. After Rider leaves since he said he missed Bethane and his kids a bunch and he couldn't stay away any longer, Roman and Aubrey play their signature game which is when Roman lets her go and catches her right before she falls. She laughs so hard that her lungs practically collapse.
Unlike Dayton and Autumn, Aubrey's skin tone is much darker. She has beautiful curly hair which is from me just like all our kids do, but her eyes are from Roman; a stunning forest green color. She's much taller than Dayton and Autumn were at her age, and trust me, that was a real pain in the butt considering I had to push her out of me.
"Dad! I want to show you this new project I have for science class." Autumn stands up to show him excitedly.
"Here, I'll take Aubrey," I offer.
Roman hands her over to me before walking behind Autumn.
"Come here." He scoops up Dayton while Dayton's trying to balance himself on his feet.
Dayton screams in excitement while holding onto Roman who tickles his stomach, making Dayton's laugh increase more and more by the second.
I walk over to Aubrey's bedroom to put her to sleep since it's eight o clock which means it's her bedtime. After I've fed her milk and made sure she's asleep in her crib, I make my way back to the kitchen, only to see Roman standing near the stove, stirring something by the looks of it.
I walk over to him.
"It's me." I wrap my arms around him while he's facing the other way, my head resting against his very strong back muscles.
"I put Autumn and Dayton to sleep," he informs me.
I nod against him.
"Whatcha makin?" I question since I can't see with his big-ole oaf body covering the entire stove from my sight.
He puts the cap on the pot and pulls me by my hand to stand in front of him while he leans back on the right counter next to the stove, now facing me.
"That pasta I always make whenever you've been crying."
Dang it!
You know, I could never be an actor. Or a murderer. Roman would just know I killed someone with me just saying hello when I walked through the door. He'd be like "I saw your nose twitch and your knuckle pop so you killed someone, didn't you?". Forget me being the profiler, he should be one.
"I watched a sad movie."
Lying always helps.
"Shut the fuck up." He pulls me closer to him as his other hand goes to my cheek.
Hey, I said lying helps, I never said it works.
"What happened?" His eyes turn soft while they stare into mine, and I hate when someone asks me that because it just makes me want to cry more.
I shrug. "Just not a good day."
He searches my eyes to see if I'm telling the truth, which technically, I am, so basically, I'm not lying.
All of a sudden, one of his arms goes around my back and lifts me onto the other counter a few steps behind me. The cool granite top travels through my leggings, and the close proximity of Roman sends heat to travel down my entire body.
Basically, I'm having heat flashes.
"Tell me about it," Roman encourages, looking like he's laser-focused on finding out what made my day bad.
I sigh because there was nothing really bad that happened today. It was just that moment that I tried on the bathing suit that made me feel disgusted with myself.
Now, I could lie.
I could make up a completely made-up story about little bad things that happened, but I know it isn't right, and if Roman ever found out the real reason, he'd be upset with me for not just telling him the truth.
Screw it.
I jump down from the counter and pull his arm to our bedroom after turning off the stove just in case the pasta burns while we're gone. Roman follows and waits in the middle of the bedroom while I lock the door.
I go stand in front of him.
Using every courageous bone in my body, I take off my shirt and my leggings, standing in only my bra and underwear in front of him.
"You really want to fuck right now?" he questions a little taken aback.
I roll my eyes at him because of course he can't see it. Maybe he's losing his vision.
"Look." I usher down at myself.
He scans my body and I see his eyes do the pupil-expanding thing which always looks so cool to me. I still wonder if he has control over it.
"Is this something new you want to try out?" A smirk appears while his arm pulls me closer to him in a sexual way.
He can actually think of sex while seeing me like this.
"Look at my stomach and my thighs." I look down, disliking just the sight of them.
"I am so fucking confused."
Here's how I know he's telling the truth. Roman usually doesn't show his emotions on his face as I've said before, but when he's confused, his eyebrows pinch together and it looks like he's trying to find every possible solution to the issue going on. The face doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's usually because of something I say.
"Look at the stretch marks," I point out the obvious which anyone can see from miles away.
It looks like it hits him the minute I finish my sentence, though he still looks confused as to why I'm upset about it.
"Sweetheart." He pulls me back towards him since I took a few steps back earlier. "You look fucking beautiful, stretch marks or no stretch marks. There is not one person on this planet that could look at you and not see how goddamn gorgeous you are." He kisses my lips after his statement and I feel the tears coming. "Stop being so hard on yourself. You just carried and pushed out a whole baby and you still look perfect."
"But you're just saying that because you're married to me. Other people won't see me the way you do."
"Baby, if you don't love yourself, then how are you going to see how much other people love you?"
That's...a good point. He has to stop making those.
"I'm trying," my voice becomes softer because I truly am.
I'm talking to my therapist, taking the medicines that I was prescribed, and trying to be more open with Roman. A girl can only do so much.
"I know you are. But you take so much care of the kids and also our friends and me that you forget to take care of yourself."
He's definitely right on that part.
My therapist has brought up multiple times that I forget about myself. She said I don't have to do anything crazy, just take a couple of hours of the day to do something for me. I just sometimes don't get time with the kids, my job, my grandparents, Roman, and our friends; so I just forget to do anything for myself, and then I repeat the same mistake the next day.
"I know," I admit.
"When was the last time you ate?" he asks his daily question of the day.
Okay, so remember when I said I would stop lying to him? Maybe I change my mind. For his sake of course.
I pick at my nails. "This morning at like seven."
Never mind. Gosh, I hate that my brain goes into its own little world when I think about lying to him.
"Alaiya," his tone turns even more serious.
"I forgot." I finally meet his eyes, and boy does he look upset.
"Fuck the pasta, I'm ordering food and I'm not leaving your side until you finish all of it." He grabs his phone and begins to order from the looks of it the entire freaking menu.
"Roman, I can wait for you to finish the pasta." I truthfully try to get out of eating.
"So you can fall asleep while I'm making it and end up not eating?" He knows me too darn well and I'm losing any tricks I have left.
I say nothing because he did catch what I was doing.
"What I fucking thought." He presses order on the food.
♥ ★ ❦ ✱ ♥
A/N: I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of For Worse or For Better. I am currently writing and editing the last few chapters, but I'll still publish fairly often. If I finish beforehand, I may just publish the entire thing at once.
***Please tell me if there are any errors.