Chapter 12
For so long, I sheltered myself behind high walls, believing that they would protect and guard me.
I thought that if I stayed alone, no one could hurt me. I thought there wouldn't be any room for pain to get in.
But when I took a good look at myself, I realized that those walls were just barriers that were stopping me from growing. Those walls were built just to suffocate me with the traumatic memories I was forced to live with inside them.
Nang nasa ikatlong taon kami ng kolehiyo ay naging matunog ang hiwalayan nina Psyche at Leon.
It didn't affect me as much because I knew that they were just faking it and maybe their contract had ended already. Hindi na rin naman nagulat ang iba dahil hindi na raw nila madalas makita ang dalawa.
Leon's Facebook story, even if I wasn't sure it was for me, was enough to reassure me. He was still cold, though. Hindi niya pa rin ako tinatapunan ng tingin at kapansin-pansin pa rin ang pag-iwas niya.
But I knew that the walls between us would come down sooner or later . . . or maybe even now.
"All right, class. I need at least three thesis topics from you today. Use the library or the computer lab to get it done," sabi ni Ma'am Abulencia. "Aantayin ko hanggang 5 p.m. sa faculty room. Good luck."
I bowed my head as I heard my classmates talking and complaining about how hard this semester was going to be. Mabilis din ang pagkilos nila, siguro ay para mag-unahan sa magandang puwesto sa library o para makapamili ng magandang computer sa lab.
"Pagod na agad ako para bukas!" narinig ko pang reklamo ni Meg bago pumunta sa partner niya.
Shaira and Zoey just gave me a tap in the back before they exited the room to start working.
Nag-research naman na ako last week ng magagandang topic kaya puwedeng dito na lang kaming dalawa ni Leon sa room. May mobile data rin naman ako kung gusto niyang mag-research pa. I just don't know how to approach him.
Before long, only the two of us were left inside. Wala kaming imikan pero ramdam ko sa paligid na wala nang ibang naroon kung hindi kami lang.
I slowly lifted my head and saw him getting his bond paper and pen. I drew a deep breath and gathered the courage to stand up. Agad siyang napatingin sa akin, bahagyang namimilog ang mga mata. Binigyan ko siya ng isang maliit at ilang na ngiti bago ako naupo sa tabi niya.
My nose felt as if it was being tickled as his fresh and masculine scent filled the air.
"Uhm . . ." I cleared my throat. "M-May mga inaral na akong topic na baka magustuhan mo."
I almost beat myself up when I stuttered. Jusko, Amari! Masyado kang kinakabahan!
"Nasa messenger. Isinend ko sa sarili ko last week . . . wait!" I said, sounding a little too defensive.
I opened my cellphone and quickly turned on my mobile data. Naramdaman ko ang parang paglapit niya sa akin na parang sumisilip sa cellphone ko kaya lalo kong naamoy ang bango niya.
I could see him from my peripheral vision. His lips were pressed together in a grim line, and the tip of his nose was almost touching my cheeks.
"You're shaking," he said in a low voice. "Hindi ka ba komportable?"
Tanga ba siya?! Malamang hindi!
Still, I shook my head. "Ngalay lang. Ang dami ko kasing inayusan kahapon."
Hindi na siya sumagot. Hinayaan ko na lang din na ganoon ang puwesto namin dahil mukhang wala naman siyang balak lumayo.
I opened my messenger and searched for my name. Nakatingin pa rin siya sa cellphone ko habang ko ginagawa iyon.
"Ito," sabi ko sabay pakita sa kanya ng list. "I prepared at least five topics we can choose from."
I looked up at him and noticed that he was already frowning.
"Wala kang gusto?" kinakabahang tanong ko.
My god! 100 ang naging grade namin sa final requirement namin sa general zoology dahil kumpleto at organized ang pagkakagawa niya. Nakakahiya naman kung sa topic pa lang, ligwak na agad ako!
"Una, since quantitative research ang gagawin natin, puwede nating aralin ang epekto ng body shaming sa self-esteem ng isang tao," I explained. "We can think of other variables like academic performance, sense of self-worth or . . . I don't know, self-confidence? Are they the same thing? Hindi, 'di ba?"
I spoke rapidly because I was nervous he would turn down my ideas. I mean, puwede namang mag-research kami ng bago, pero nakakahiya pa rin!
"Itong pangalawa, we'll check if the youths still hold on to the old values about premarital sex," sabi ko ulit. "This is too simple, pero kasi, 'di ba? Nagiging widely accepted na ang pre-marital sex and I think it's kind of interesting to look into what causes the old values to change."
Huminga ako nang malalim. Nakatitig lang siya sa cellphone ko at walang sinasabi.
"'Yong pangatlo . . . aalamin naman natin 'yong relationship ng music at personality. By the end of the study, we should have a good understanding of what kind of personality our respondents have based on the music they listen to."
Lumingon ako sa kanya, naghihintay ng reaksyon o kahit isang salita man lang.
Mukhang naramdaman niya ang paninitig ko dahil napabaling siya sa akin.
"Nakikinig ka ba?" tanong ko.
He licked his lower lip before letting out a sigh. Unti-unti niyang ibinalik ang tingin sa cellphone ko, magkasalubong pa rin ang kilay.
"The fourth one is good. We'll discover the relationship between a person's upbringing in a broken family and their general personality," he said. "Puwede tayong magdagdag ng variables. Other than personality, we could add academic performance, like what you've said, and probably . . . their viewpoints about being in a romantic relationship."
Tumango-tango ako. We finally agreed on something.
"Kapag iyan ang napiling topic ni Ma'am, ang magiging respondents natin, obviously, ay 'yong mga young adults na lumaki sa isang broken family. To test the personality, siguro puwede nating gamitin 'yong questionnaire ng big five inventory dahil standardized naman 'yon. Tapos mag-device na lang tayo ng test sa academic performance at romantic relationship," mahabang litanya ko.
"The fifth one is good, too . . . gender and prison — an assessment of the lessons learned and experiences gained by LGBTQIA+ inmates," pagbabasa niya. "But it sounds more like a qualitative study, so we can't conduct it."
"Yeah . . . kasi more on exploration talaga siya. Sayang," I muttered. "So, ano'ng gusto mo d'yan?"
Napaisip siya. "How about the fourth one?"
Lumabi ako. "Tatlo ang kailangan!"
"Maganda naman lahat." From my cellphone, he then turned to look at me, startling me a bit. "I'll let you handle the other two."
I had to shrug off the tingling in my heart that was triggered by our gazes locking before I could pick up the bond paper and pen that were on his armrest. Isinulat ko roon ang mga topic na napili namin. The first, second, and fourth. Ang pang-apat ang priority namin kaya sana ay iyon ang ma-approve ni Ma'am.
"Okay na tayo," sabi ko sabay tingin sa orasan na nasa itaas ng white board. "It took us only twenty minutes."
I couldn't help but smile when I realized that we had talked casually like normal thesis partners do. Pagkatapos nito ay siguradong gagawa na kami ng titles at chapters 1 to 3 ng lahat ng topic na 'to. Then we would have a title defense before we could finally decide which of the three topics would be used to render chapters 4 and 5. Ang mapipili ang magiging final thesis namin.
Tatayo na sana ako para bumalik sa puwesto ko nang tumikhim siya.
"Nakakachat mo si Paolo?" he asked.
Agad na napaawang ang labi ko. "Huh?"
He frowned. "He greeted you good morning."
"Ah!" I chuckled awkwardly. "Oo . . . nagcha-chat siya sa 'kin nitong summer."
Lalong lumalim ang kunot sa noo niya. Great, Amari! Nasaan ang tapang mo?!
Pero kasi naman! How could I treat him the same way I did before when I knew he really cared about me? O kahit hindi ako! Basta, 'yong nasa Facebook story niya! Kung para kanino man 'yon! He was thoughtful! Paano ako magmamaldita?!
"Why is he given an exemption?" he asked in a grumpy way. "I thought you didn't like getting messages that don't say anything important?"
I got up from the chair and stood in front of him, placing each of my closed fists on either side of my waist. Is he really that jealous now?!
"Nag-reply ba 'ko?" pagtatanong ko.
He gazed up at me while maintaining his frown. "Hindi mo naman sinusungitan," sabi niya pa.
"Ano naman?" pagmamaldita ko.
I can't help it when he's testing my patience!
He sighed before shaking his head. "Go back to your seat."
I gave him a mean look and stomped my feet as I walked to my seat to show how annoyed I was. Hindi ko alam kung bakit naiinis ako! Eh, hindi ko naman talaga nirereplyan si Paolo! Ano'ng isinisimangot niya?!
Our topics were approved right away, so we planned to write the necessary chapters for each one. We will have our title defense three months from now, after our final exams. Marami pang oras, pero hindi naman kami para magpapetiks-petiks dahil pareho kaming may inaalagaang grades.
Mas maluwag na rin ang schedule namin ngayong sem dahil 19 units na lang kami, hindi gaya noong mga naunang taon na hindi bumababa ng 25.
A unit is a number that shows how many college credits a course or subject gets. At our college, one unit of credit is equal to one hour of lecture per week. Ibig sabihin, kung 19 units kami, 19 hours of lecture iyon sa buong linggo. Kaya lang, mayroon kaming isang laboratory na 3 units ang katumbas pero limang oras ang itinatagal! Tuloy ay parang 21 units kami!
Our thesis course, Research in Psychology, is taught entirely on Saturdays. Monday to Friday pa rin naman ang pasok namin pero mas maaga na ang uwian. Nakakainis lang dahil imbes na isiksik na lang nila ang schedule namin para kaunting araw na lang kaming papasok ay hindi pa nila nagawa! Tuloy ay may Saturday classes pa kami!
"Do the introduction, background of the study, and statement of the problem of the first topic. I'll do the second and fourth," sabi ni Leon habang nasa library kami, unang Sabado ng paggagawa namin ng thesis. "We'll switch our topics later."
Sumimangot ako. Ang dami naman agad!
"What?" he asked. "Did you work last night? Pagod ka?"
Agad na umiling ako. "Gusto ko lang magreklamo, bakit ba?"
Hindi na niya ako pinansin. Tumayo siya at mabilis na nilapitan ang librarian para magpa-operate ng isang computer. Lalakad na sana ako palapit sa kanila nang umiling siya sa akin.
"Do'n ka sa 4," he said as he pointed to the computer. "It has a softer keyboard."
Parang tuta akong sumunod sa kanya. Nakakainis na, ha! Simula no'ng nag-thesis kami, talagang parang naging taga-sunod lang ako! Hindi naman ako makapagreklamo kasi magaganda ang point niya!
"'Wag ka d'yan sa 3, medyo mahirap igalaw ang mouse," narinig kong saad ng librarian sa kanya.
"Okay lang po," sagot niya.
Nakaupo na ako sa tapat ng itinuro niyang computer nang tumayo siya sa likuran ko. I turned my body around and glanced up at him, confused as to what the heck he was doing behind me rather than sitting at the computer that was assigned to him.
"Let's get started, shall we?" pagmamarunong ko.
He was looking at my computer screen, so I was shocked when he suddenly bent down to grab my mouse and pressed something on the keyboard with his other hand, trapping me in his arms.
Napaharap agad ako sa monitor habang nararamdaman ang labis na pag-iinit ng pisngi at pagsikdo ng dibdib.
His face was on my right, close enough that if I turned my head toward him, I'd be kissing his cheek as he integrated the computer to the internet connection. Habang ginagawa iyon ay pinigilan ko ang aking paghinga. I felt like he would know how he made me feel as soon as I breathed.
"B-Bilisan mo!" I grumbled, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks.
"What's your shampoo?" tanong niya na lalong nagpabilis ng tibok ng puso ko.
I gritted my teeth. "Mind-your-own-business shampoo!"
He chuckled softly as he stepped away from my back. I couldn't help but let out a deep exhale when he drew up a chair and set it down next to me. Binuksan niya ang computer niya at nagsimulang mag-type na parang wala siyang ginawang circus sa dibdib ko!
"Start working, vanilla girl."
I gave him a hard look. "Vanilla girl?"
"It's the scent of your hair."
Hinawakan ko ang dulo ng buhok ko at inamoy iyon.
"Ang dami mong arte!" saad ko na lang.
I started writing on my paper, and after everything that he had done to me, I did my best not to become overly emotional and mushy. First, he seemed to be jealous, and now he'd sniff my hair?! Ano'ng susunod? Aamin na ako sa kanya? Wala nang waiting game? Jusko! Balak niya yata akong gawing tangang-tanga sa kanya!
"Where do you wanna have lunch?" he asked after almost two hours of complete silence.
I pursed my lips. "Kasabay ko sina Shaira at Zoey. Nasa computer lab lang sila."
"Oh." He cleared his throat. "Okay."
Lahat kaming magkaklase, matapos pumirma sa attendance sheet kay Ma'am Abulencia, ay kanya-kanya na ng paghahanap ng lugar kung saan puwedeng gumawa ng research. We would have our progress checked after that. Mayroong iba na sa bahay gumawa. Mayroon din namang gaya namin ni Leon na nasa school lang.
Ang section lang namin ang may Saturday class dahil ang 3-B at 3-C ay tuwing weekdays. Ang daya nga, eh! Dapat ay ganoon na lang din ang amin para nakakapagtrabaho pa ako!
I sighed when I realized that Leon had no friends to eat with. I mean, may mga kaklase naman kaming kaibigan niya rin pero halos lahat sila ay hindi naman mahagilap.
"Sasabay ka?" I asked after giving it some thought.
From the corner of my eye, I saw him turn and look at me, his lips kind of part.
"Can I?" mahinang tanong niya.
I shrugged and acted as if his gentle, raspy voice didn't tug at some strings in my heart.
"Ikaw ang bahala."
I had a firm grip on my mouse as I realized that the walls that separated us were slowly, piece by piece, disappearing into the background.
He wasn't as cold as he used to be, and I don't think he ever was. Lumalayo lang ako sa kanya, pero hindi talaga nagbago ang pakikitungo niya sa akin. At kung nagbago man, alam kong dahil din iyon sa mga nasabi ko.
"Leon, sino 'yong M sa story mo, ha?!" ekseheradang tanong ni Zoey nang makaupo si Leon sa mesa namin bitbit ang pagkain naming lahat. "Ngayon lang kita matatanong dahil ngayon lang tayo nagka-usap ulit!"
My cheeks flushed. Unang inilagay ni Leon ang pinggan ko sa tapat ko. Nag-abot ako kanina ng bayad sa kanya pero hindi niya tinanggap. Pero kinuha niya naman 'yong kina Shaira at Zoey! Buo rin naman 'yon!
"May pa-delete ka pang nalalaman. Buti na lang mabilis ang kamay ko!" tawa pa ng babae.
"Ha-ha. Can't relate," singit ni Shaira. "Isa ako sa Samahan ng Mga Hindi Ina-accept ni Leon."
"I didn't see your request," he said as he gave them their plates.
Nagbigay siya ng tissue sa dalawang babae bago inilagay ang lahat ng natira sa tabi ng pinggan ko, ni walang itinira sa kanya.
"Matagal-tagal na 'yon. Muntik na ngang mawala sa isip ko," pagdaldal pa ni Zoey na parang wala si Leon sa paligid.
"Ingay . . ." suway ko.
"Ay, sorry po, Ms. Quiet," pang-aasar ni Shaira.
Umiling lang ako. While Shaira and Zoey were chatting away nonstop as if the process of writing the thesis wasn't causing them any stress, Leon and I were sitting next to each other and maintaining our silence.
Bicol express at hamonado ang kinuhang ulam sa akin ni Leon. Hindi ko alam kung magkano ito pero siguradong lampas fifty pesos! Badtrip tuloy! Nagtitipid 'yong tao, eh!
"Mamaya ko na babayaran," sabi ko sa kanya bago dinampot ang kutsara at tinidor.
Hindi naman siya sumagot.
"Ano nga, Leon?" maya-maya'y tanong ulit ni Zoey.
Tumawa si Shaira. "Get the gist of it, girl! Jusko ka!"
Lumabi si Zoey. "Huh?"
"Sino bang ex? Shunga mo," bulong ni Shaira. "Maria Psyche 'yon, ah?"
I coughed to clear my throat and then continued eating. Ako ang nahihiya sa inaasal ng dalawa dahil kung mapag-chismisan talaga nila ang lalaki ay parang wala ito sa harap nila!
At isa pa, nagpapanggap lang sila ni Psyche! Hindi naman para mag-story nang ganoon si Leon para sa kanya! Bwisit!
"I wasn't referring to Psyche," Leon clarified.
"Eh?" bulaslas ni Shaira. "Nito lang kayo nag-break, ah? May affair ka?"
I swear to god, I wanted to put my hand over her lips to keep her from talking so much!
"I never dated her," sagot pa rin ni Leon.
Goodness! He might say what kind of relationship he has with Psyche!
Shaira chuckled. "Sus, PDA na PDA, eh! 'Wag ka nang mahiya sa 'min! Magiging gan'yan din naman kami ng bestfriend mo kapag nagtagal."
"Shaira!" suway ko.
"Hindi ko naging girlfriend si Psyche . . . at hindi rin siya ang tinutukoy ko sa story ko," pinal na saad ni Leon.
We were silent for a while. Nagpatuloy kami sa pagkain at nagsimulang pag-usapan ang ibang bagay kaya akala ko ay tapos na kami sa usaping iyon.
"Kung hindi si Psyche, sino?" kuryosong tanong ni Zoey.
Napapikit ako sa inis. I put my spoon and fork down and leaned back against the chair, staring at Shaira and Zoey in distress. Sa pagiging chismosa nila ay matatakot nang sumabay ang kahit na sino sa amin!
Leon moved his head in my direction, drawing my attention to him.
"Huh?!" Shaira exclaimed.
"Huh . . . bakit?" nagtatakang tanong ni Zoey. "Bakit ka sumisigaw, 'te?"
"Gago." Nanlalaki ang mata ni Shaira. "Si Mari 'yon?"
I could feel my eyes growing larger and my cheeks getting warmer. "Huh?! Ba't nadamay ako?!"
She scoffed. "He gestured at you!"
"Wow!" bulaslas ni Zoey.
Lalong nag-init ang mukha ko. I was going to punch Leon in the leg under the table because he wasn't saying anything, but to my shock and horror, he just took my hand and lightly squeezed one of my knuckles, jolting me to the very center of my being.
"Ano ba?!" I managed to say after calming myself. "A-Ayusin mo nga 'yang mga ginagawa mo!"
He cocked his head to one side and smiled faintly as he focused his attention on the food in front of him. "Sorry. Nagulat lang."
"Tangina, I was right." Shaira stood up and pounded her chest with her closed fist. "Queen Shaira was right!"
Napakamot sa ulo si Zoey, takang-taka sa nangyayari. "Ano raw?"
Tumawa si Shaira. "Hindi ko na alam kung kanino ko ishi-ship ang maganda kong friend! Grabe na 'to!"
I couldn't say anything. I knew I didn't have to explain things to Shaira because she quickly got that Leon's Facebook story was about me. Hindi rin naman siya itinama ni Leon.
My emotions are all over the place. At the back of my head, I knew I should be writhing in rage because Leon was out there, subtly exposing his feelings for me . . . but in my heart, I knew that my doubts about him were fading away because of his continuous assurance.
He really likes me! Gago! Ito na talaga 'yong confirmation!
That was by far the messiest lunch I'd ever had. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong magsisi na hinayaan kong sumabay sa amin si Leon o matuwa dahil, at least, hindi ko na kailangang magpanggap na hindi para sa akin 'yong story niya.
He'll wait for me, huh? Eh, ano 'tong ginagawa niya?! Nilalandi niya ako habang naghihintay! Puwede ba 'yon?!
Hindi ko tuloy natapos ang pinapagawa niya! Background of the study at kalahating introduction lang ang naisulat ko kaiisip samantalang siya ay natapos ang kanya! To think na dalawang study pa 'yong ginawan niya!
"Hatid na kita."
See?! See?! Paano ako makakapag-isip kung gan'yan siya ka-straightforward?!
"Sorry . . . am I making you uncomfortable?" tanong niya.
Nasa waiting shed kami ngayon at naghihintay ng masasakyan. Kapapasa lang namin ng progress report kay Ma'am Abulencia. I haven't spoken since lunchtime. Nahihiya kasi ako. I wasn't used to him showing me this side of himself.
My gaze was drawn to him, the late-afternoon haze and the stray beam of sunlight emphasizing his physique.
I've known him for a long time, but I've learned very little about him. Alam kong suplado siya at tahimik pero sa iilang beses na kasama niya ako ay lagi niya akong pinagsisilbihan. He likes it when I smile at him, as if it were a rare thing to see. He was competitive but not overly so. Gusto niyang nananalo, pero marunong din tumanggap ng pagkatalo.
Maybe Shaira was right from the start. Baka nga . . . gusto niya ako noon pa.
Maybe through his hidden grins whenever I rolled my eyes at him or through the dilation of his eyes whenever our gazes crossed, he was trying to communicate something to me that went beyond what my eyes could see.
I only know a little about him . . . yet I like him this much.
Nakakatakot na baka kapag kinilala ko siya, lalo akong mahulog sa kanya. We still have a lot of time to spend together, and if he keeps showing me how much he likes me, I might really, really consider falling in love with him.
I took a deep breath. "What exactly are you doing, Zamora?" tanong ko. "Kung ako talaga 'yong nasa Facebook story mo . . . akala ko ba ay maghihintay ka? Right time, sabi mo."
He poked his tongue against his inner cheek as he turned away. Nagsalubong ang kilay niya na para bang may naalala siyang kagalit-galit.
"Tapos ano? Mauungusan ako ng manliligaw mo?" Rinig na rinig ko ang pagseselos sa tinig niya.
I gritted my teeth and felt my heart pounding hard against my chest. "Hindi ko nga gusto si Paolo!"
"Hindi mo rin naman ako gusto . . ." He chuckled as he bowed his head, a tinge of pain visible in his eyes. "I want to be patient and wait for you, but I can't sleep knowing that someone else was messaging you when I wasn't even allowed to."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit nasaktan ako para sa kanya. It was as if he let go of his fear of telling me how he really felt, but he got nothing in return.
Gusto ko rin naman siya. Kaya nga pinipigilan ko, eh. Kaya nga hindi ko ineengganyo kung ano mang puwedeng mamagitan sa amin. Kasi baka magsawa agad siya sa akin . . . baka ayawan niya agad ako.
"I like you so much, Mendoza."
The sounds of passing vehicles drowned out his words in the ocean of my heart, pulling at all the strings that could be yanked within, probably begging for help because they were sinking too far.
"If it isn't clear to you . . . if it isn't obvious to you . . ." he said lowly. "Gustong-gusto kita."
I gulped. It was a beautiful late afternoon outside our university. The skies were etched with a tinge of gold as the sun was preparing to set, and a sliver of deep blue and purple when dusk came to unveil itself . . . and here he was, pouring his emotions to me amid this picturesque sight.
"Kahit ang sakit mo na minsan," tawa niya. "Kahit parang diring-diri ka pa sa 'kin . . ."
"I'm never disgusted!" I said hastily.
He shook his head, smiling in disbelief. "I like you so much I can't even stay mad."
"S-Stop," I blurted out just to say something.
"Amari . . ."
My heart constricted in both pain and joy when he finally . . . finally called me by my first name. His dark eyes were filled with emotions as they met my brown ones.
"Can I show you how I really feel?" he asked gently. "You can shout and even throw things at me all you want, but can I like you without restrictions?" Bahagyang nanginig ang boses niya. "Can I flirt with you like . . . Paolo did?"
I looked at him for a long time and realized that he always had such sincere eyes. The same eyes that made me feel a lot of different things before I admitted to myself that I liked him.
"Nagseselos ka ba talaga?" tanong ko, unti-unting nanghihina sa tingin niya.
He nodded like a child wanting to be comforted.
"I'll tell him to . . . stop messaging me then," I whispered.
Pumungay ang mga mata niya. "You'll do that?"
I nodded slowly. "And for the record, I don't throw things, Zamora."
Maybe there's nothing wrong with being a little less careful, right? I'm going to take it easy, and I'm sure Leon will as well.
Because, in the end, I was the one who built those high walls, and I was also the only one who could break them down.