Two weeks until wedding day.
Two weeks until wedding day.
Two weeks until the wedding day.
"Holy shit." Addison whispers to herself, the voice in her head becoming more frantic each time she says the sentence to herself.
She lays in bed, Porky at the foot, the comforter bunched up and all over the place. She didn't sleep well last night, the realization of getting married and how quickly it was all happening had hit her like a ton of bricks. She's hot and sweaty from nerves, a leg sticking out from under the blankets, although the only thing still covered was her torso and the other leg. She's hot, but it's a comfort thing.
Don't get it wrong, Addison is far from cold feet. She's more than ready to marry Joe. She'd go to the courthouse today if it were that simple. It was simply the ceremony that she was nervous for. She's never been the one to want to be the center of attention, everyone knows it. I mean, it had been one of the reasons she tried to run away from who she had thought were her parents for so long. She didn't want to take over when her... when David died. No matter, the point isn't that she's nervous to marry Joe. She's ready for that. She's simply nervous to do it in front of all the people attending.
Then again... she did find herself wondering. Second guessing. Again, not about Joe. But about herself. Was she really the best for him? No. That she knew. But he chose her. It doesn't matter. But doesn't it? She has never been the wife type. Cleaning and cooking has never been her thing and she didn't even want children until Joe came along so she has no idea whether or not she'd be a good mother or if she'd even enjoy being a mother. And what if she's not? What if she doesn't? She doesn't want to bring children into the world and not be able to love them. She knows what that feels like, she doesn't want to do that to children of her own. She would hate herself for it.
Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. She thinks. I'm spiraling. We're not even there yet. True. But he wants kids and if I'm not sure than I shouldn't marry him and then decide later and be a horrible person. Stop. I need to talk to someone about this.
Grabbing her phone from the nightstand, Addison clicks on the contact she has become quite familiar with, putting it on speaker and laying the phone on her chest.
"Hi aunt Addie!" Alena says into the phone.
"Hi babe!" she answers in a cheerful tone.
Dani laughs lightly, clearly bringing the phone to her own ear. "Hey girl."
"I'm spiraling."
"Uh-oh." Dani responds.
"I'm not like second guessing marrying Joe. I wanna make that clear. I love him I want to marry him more than anything. But, then again, maybe I am second guessing it but not because I don't love him. It's because-"
"Nerves."
"No, it's because I don't know if I can do the whole mother thing."
"Wait, what?" Dani asks, confused. "Have you guys talked about-"
"A little, yeah. But I was thinking about it and I never wanted kids until Joe and even now I don't know if I'll be a good mother or if I'll even love my kids. I mean, no offense but kids are assholes, and I don't know if I'd be able to be that person who is a mom. I don't know if I can handle it."
"Okay, first of all, take a breath."
Addison does as she's told, taking in a breath, holding it for a few seconds and then letting it back out.
"Okay. You guys haven't even talked about having kids in depth yet, Addison. You can't let your brain move faster than it needs to. And even so, I can tell you that you'd be an amazing mother and you would love your children more than you can imagine."
"How do you know that though?" Addison asks.
"Because I've seen you with my children and would trust you with their lives."
"But that's different. Maybe I'm supposed to be the cool and loving aunt. Not a mom."
"Or maybe you're scared because your relationship with your parents hasn't been smooth or traditional and you're worried something would happen."
"I'm worried I'd fuck them up, Dani."
"That's not abnormal, Ads. It's actually the opposite."
"Normal?"
"I think about it at least 7 times a day."
Addison lets out a breath. "I just... I don't know if this is me. I don't know if I'm wife material. I don't know if this is the right thing anymore. I mean, I love Joe. More than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my life."
"You are meant to marry Joe, Ads," Dani says, obviously grinning. "I have never seen two people so right for each other in my life. You're nervous. That's normal. I didn't think I was wife material either. But believe it or not, you and Joe already act like a married couple. The only thing changing is your place of residence, your last name, and a piece of paper," she explains.
"You're sure?"
"I'm sure." She says.
"Okay," Addison lets out a breath.
"Now, I'm sure you're lying in bed. Get up, get dressed, take Porky for a walk, take a shower, clean your messy apartment, because I'm sure it is, and then relax... but not too much cause you'll start overthinking again."
"Got it."
"Bye love."
"Bye."
Meanwhile, Joe finds himself in a similar conversation... almost as if it were rehearsed, in fact.
"But what if she doesn't and she's just saying that she does because I do?" Joe asks.
"I don't see Addison being that person, dude," Kevin chuckles on the other line. "If Addison didn't want kids, she'd tell you."
"I think she's afraid that she won't be a good mom or something. But she totally would, I mean you've seen her with the girls and her sisters."
"Yeah, she-"
"But I don't want to force her into kids if she doesn't want kids, y'know? Maybe I don't want kids too."
"No, don't do that."
Joe makes a face, confused.
"You can't change what you want based on who you're with. You want kids. I know that you do."
Joe sighs, frowning. "But what if she doesn't?"
"Then she doesn't. And if that's the case, it may not be happily ever after. As much as you want it to be."
Joe stays quiet, contemplating this. "You think she does?"
"I do, Joe. I think you're right. I think she wants kids, but she's scared she won't be a good mom. Because I mean, you have to think, she didn't have the greatest childhood. Nor did she have great role models considering she didn't have her actual parents," Kevin says honestly.
Joe gulps, nervous. "I just, I can't see her ever being a bad mom."
"Well, we know that. But she doesn't. And why are you worried about that right now anyway? You guys aren't planning to try right away, are you?"
"No, no. We haven't even talked about when at all. But, I don't want either of us to be taken off guard when it does happen. Like, not knowing how the other one feels or anything."
"Well, that's smart. What made you think of this anyway?"
"I don't know," Joe starts. "I was just thinking about how when we did talk about kids, she said she had never wanted kids. Because of how she grew up. But then she said she did want kids if it was with me. I just don't want her to say she wants kids because I do. I want it to be because she wants kids."
"Well, I may not be the one you should be talking to about this then."
Joe sighs. "I know. I know. I need to go talk to her."
"I thought you guys were doing better with communication," Kevin says.
"We are. A lot better. This is just... I don't know. Different for some reason."
"I get it. Just go to her. It's better you guys talk it out before the wedding."
"I know. Thanks, man."
The two hang up and in New Jersey, Kevin exits his office and enters the kitchen, grinning at the girls coloring at the table and sighing to Dani who stands in the kitchen on her phone.
"I think Joe's getting nervous."
"Is that who you were on the phone with? I was just talking to Addison."
"Is she freaking out too?"
Dani nods. "Yeah, a little. Funny how they came to us, huh?"
Kevin chuckles, nodding. "Yeah, funny. At least we know they trust us. Up top."
She laughs, giving him the high five he was waiting on.
Back in California, Joe parks his car outside of Addison's apartment complex, gets out, locks it, and heads inside only to notice Addison walking out.
"Hey."
She stops, looking at him. "What are you doing here?"
"Is t a problem that I'm here?" He asks, chuckling.
"No! No. I um, I was just on my way to you, actually."
"Really?" He asks, raising his brows.
She nods. "But I don't have to. Upstairs?"
He nods as well, following her inside and to the apartment.
They both drop their keys on the entryway table, Joe greeting Porky before the two of them sit in the living room on opposite sides of the couch, Addison sitting sideways with one leg underneath her.
"So, you were coming to talk to me?"
Addison nods. "You too?"
He nods. "Is something wrong?"
Addison shakes her head. "No," she pauses. "Well, I don't know."
He raises his eyebrows.
"Is something wrong from your point of view?"
He licks his lips. "Not necessarily."
"Not necessarily?" she asks, her brows raised now.
"Well, I just, there's something that I think we need to talk about before the wedding. We've talked about it before but I want there to be no questions on the subject."
"And the subject is?" Addison asks nervously.
"Well, I wanna know why you wanted to talk."
"Kind of the same thing."
"What was your subject then?" he asks.
Addison bites her lip, sighing. "Um. Can you go first?"
He gulps, nodding. "Kids."
She looks up quickly, meeting his eyes. "Really?"
He raises his eyebrows before quickly allowing them to furrow. "Yes."
"That's what I wanted to talk about," she admits.
"Okay, so what did you want to say about kids?" he asks, jumping in.
"Well, I'm more curious to know what you wanted to say."
"That's the thing. It wasn't anything specific. I just thought we should talk about it. I-" he sighs. "I'm nervous that you don't actually want to be a mom. And if you don't, I respect that. I just, you said you did, and I was excited, but I don't want that to be the reason we have them."
She nods. "I never wanted to be a mom before I met you. And honestly, I don't know how I feel right now. I feel like I want kids. I feel like I want them with you. But I don't think I'd want them if it were anyone else. And I don't know if I'd be a good mother. I don't know if I'd love them the way all these moms talk about loving their kids. I mean, I didn't want kids. How can that just change?"
He nods, licking his lips and waiting for her to process, waiting for her to look up to him again. "Do you? Do you actually want kids?"
She gulps. "I think I do. I mean, all I think about with kids is the fact that they're gonna be part you. So, I'm going to love them. But they're also part me. And that scares me."
He chuckles a bit. "Funny, I feel the same way. Only, I'm afraid that they'll be like me and not like you. I want them to be you."
She gives him a look. "I don't think you do."
He grins before looking down and shaking his head. "I do. Believe me. But, Addison, if you really don't want kids, it's okay. I don't want to pressure you into having kids if you truly don't want them."
She grabs his hand, making him look up at her. "Joe. I want kids if they're your kids. I have no doubts about that. My doubts are on my ability as a mother."
He licks his lips. "Babe, you're going to be an amazing mother and I fully believe that. No one can convince me otherwise. Not even you."
She nods slowly. "Are you sure?"
He nods. "I'm sure."
"But what if-"
"No." he says, smirking.
She licks her lips, gulping the lump in her throat before nodding. "Well, we don't have to worry about kids right now anyway. We have some time."
He nods. "We do."
She nods, a little more confident this time. "We have time."
***
hello hello my loves!
here is a new chapter for you! I'm so excited to write the next few
what are your thoughts?
all my love,
shan:)