The mint notebook slept on my chest, a blue pen in between it, as I laid on my bed, restless. I had decided to journal away my feelings, and it seemed to help. I had voided myself of all the swamping emotions till I was empty, the small book becoming my cloaca. I couldn't possibly tell anyone else about this; so I had kneeled to the notebook, as if it were God in another form. I had asked the Lord for forgiveness, to guide me through this and grant it to become easier for me. All I craved to do, was retreat back to Heaven. I wanted to return to the simplicity of my life before; I missed the mundane routine of my previous days, the things I even dreaded doing.
Taking my arm out from under the duvet, I went to put the mint notebook on the other blue pillow, but I captured sight of something. A rose bracelet, on my wrist. Kallista's rose bracelet. She had given it to me on the day of my egress, a few minutes before the airship took off. Short of breath, the red head told me she wanted to give me something that meant a lot to her, and that she would wait for me to come back to her—no matter how long it would take. My eyes wafted down each curve and spiral of the varnished red roses. I couldn't believe Kallista would consign her prized bracelet to me.
She had told me no bracelet could ever mean as much as I did.
It was beautiful, and fit for a beautiful woman like Kallista, not me.
I didn't deserve this, or her love.
Just when I thought I had cried to the fullest extent, other tears came out of their hiding spot. I took the bracelet off as the salty tears began moving down my face. I couldn't tarnish such a treasure with tears like my own.
I didn't understand why I couldn't just fall in love with her. Kallista herself was a treasure: she was sweet as honey, caring as a mother, and gentle as a flower. Other men would move mountains and build cities out of precious stones for her yet, she loved someone who couldn't gift her anything but a flower—let alone, fall ignorantly for a demon who was nothing like her. Mammon was nothing like what I had hoped for my partner to be, though my core was still enticed by him.
I brought the red bracelet close to my chest as I sobbed, holding it like it was her. I pushed it deeper into the skin guarding my core—hoping it would somehow tell my core to fall in love with her instead.
It hurt me knowing that Kallista was back at home, thinking I would finally be able to verbalise my love for her once I came back. It hurt me knowing that Mikkel was awaiting my proposal and to be my best man. It hurt me knowing that Helena's child would have a disgrace of a Godfather.
I wiped the tears that stung my cheeks harshly before discarding the light blue duvet from my heated body. The temperature of my body was growing abnormally, and the ill feeling in my stomach had metastasized all throughout my body. If I kept crying like this, I would become sick, and I didn't that need that right now.
I opened the oyster door, switching on the shaver light before stumbling into the bathroom. A good bath could help calm me down. I sniffled as I sat down heavily on the white edge of the bathtub. I was never a good crier; once I started, I couldn't stop. My mother always told me that the oceans were just the tears of aqua angels. I never understood that, but I guess, I had now. I turned the tap to the warm water, enabling the tub to fill up. Had I thought of taking a bath earlier, my tears would have been enough to bathe in.
I let my black joggers fall to my ankles as I moved the tap back to its original position and dragged my fingers through the lukewarm water. It felt just right on my fingers. I dipped my legs into the clear water, holding onto the convex steel edges as I lowered myself. The water had provided me with an instant calming effect. It entered through my pores, wrapping around my joints and relieving them of their tautness. I exhaled loudly as I let myself fall back. The dim lighting alongside the warm core-appealing water swashing over my skin, was enough to make me feel ten times better. I submerged myself further, until my head was completely under the water. But there was something I could do, that would make me feel a hundred times better. I shut my eyes, letting myself become consumed by the water, now a pool of transportation.
One would think I had drowned, but I was simply entering my own reality.
The smell of flowers, sunflowers, suddenly tickled my nostrils, making me open my eyes. I was sat on a grassy hill, my back against a large tree, in front of a large field of budding sunflowers. The sky was as blue as ever, with not a cloud to be gazed at.
"Luka, isn't this view so nice?" Kallista chirped, gazing at me with her big green eyes.
It worked. I hadn't used this power in such a long time, I thought it would have rusted.
I looked at her happily, "It's amazing. I'm glad you brought me here, Kal. Your sunflowers are so pretty."
"T-thank you! I...wouldn't be able do it without you helping."
"Please, I barely did anything. It was all you." The redhead let her head fall upon my lap, looking up at me as she adapted her seashell coloured dress to the grass. "Don't do that! You'll sully your dress!"
"It doesn't matter, I could always wash it!"
I smiled at her softly. "You know, if you were a flower, you'd be a red rose."
Confusion spread over her eyes, "How?"
"They're are pretty, like you, and they're red, just like your hair."
Red bloomed in her cheeks, just like red roses, "If you were a flower!...You'd be a gladiolus!"
"Why?"
"Because...they represent strength, sincerity and courage, and I think you have all of those things..."
I moved some strands away from her forehead, "I appreciate that, but you make my explanation look bad."
She giggled, "Girls just do things better."
"I guess they do." I grinned at the red head before gazing at the yellow flower field and spotting a small boy with platinum blond hair, messing around in the field.
"Is...that Silas?" How far back had this memory come from?
Kallista shot up and looked towards her field, gasping at the sight of him.
"Oh Lord. Let me go make sure he's not hurting himself!" The redhead rapidly stood up, fixing her unsullied dress as she pranced down the grassy slope, her wings bouncing. I watched as she called out to the young boy.
"You like her a lot, don't you?" A male voice said from behind the tree.
I was close to answering, due to my state of abstraction, until I realised that I hadn't recognised the voice. I poked my head around and behind the large tree, but there was no one there. "Is anyone...there?"
"There's no point in looking, I'm nowhere to be found."
"What?" I didn't remember his voice being apart of this memory. "Who are you?"
"Think of me as your friend," he replied sweetly as I tried locating the possessor of this euphonious voice. "I know, you're overwhelmed by many things right now, that's why you're here, aren't you?"
Why was he talking like this? I had the power to control anything in this reality, yet I couldn't with him.
"Er...how do you know that?"
"I know you well, Luka. I know you're pained by what's happening, and I was sent to alleviate you."
"Sent by who?"
"The Lord, your saviour," the man answered, causing my eyes to widen. "He acknowledges your struggles. Your prayers don't go unheard, Luka. You're a special one, you know that?"
The Lord had heard my cries. I felt a smile form on my face as tears of joy surfaced to my eyes, but I could feel them being mopped away by an unknown being.
"You needn't cry again. You've already wasted so many tears, my Luka."
Brands of grass grew, entwining with each other to form a closed hand before it opened like a morning glory. A plum was perched on the green hand, growing larger as the hand opened wider.
"I'm sure you'd like something sweet to fill your stomach, have the plum."
The grass-made hand dropped the dark purple fruit onto my hand before disappearing back into the ground, "Thank you..."
"Tell me Luka, what makes you feel this way?" he questioned warmly.
I stared at the plum in my hands, "I'm sure you already know...It's humiliating to say aloud."
"You needn't be embarrassed, my Luka, and you needn't feel dejected over such things."
I bit into the sugary fruit, revealing the peachy inside to myself and the tree, "How could I not? I feel terrible. She thinks I love her when..."
"She'll understand Luka, she loves you doesn't she? When you love someone, you're willing to do many things. She'll feel hurt, but she'll get over it," the strange man reassured.
"You have feelings for that demon, don't you?"
I gazed at the red head as she spoke to the young virtue, a thick vine revolving around his stomach to keep him from running. The green vines began titillating Silas, prompting both of them to laugh.
I wish I hadn't.
"I...guess."
"You sound so woeful, why is that?"
I took another bite of the purple fruit, "Because...I've fallen for a demon, when God had made angels for other angels."
The man let out a honeyed laugh, "Is that what you believe? God created us to love each other, as he loves you. It doesn't matter who or what they are my Luka, even the cruelest are capable of loving."
"But I've sin-"
"No, you haven't," he interjected. "Do you really believe that the Lord would punish you for loving someone? One cannot control who they admire. It was God's will, Luka."
Those were my mother's words as well.
"Even if the Lord doesn't punish me...I'll be rebuked by all my loved ones. My father..."
He laughed again, "You will not. Your friends' adoration for you will not sway, and if it does, they were never your friend to begin with. And your father is long gone. No one has the permission to judge you, but God himself, my Luka."
The sun's light began to shine on my face, hindering me from looking at the field and cerulean sky. Even though the rays were blinding, it felt nice, warm. I would always ensconce myself under the sun in Heaven, marinating myself with the cosy rays.
"It seems like I must take my leave now."
"What?" I stumbled to my feet, my large wings assisting me as I turned to the girthy tree, attempting to once again find the mystery man, "Can I...at least see you?"
"I'm afraid not, my Luka, but no need to fret. We'll see each other again, soon."
I furrowed my brows, "Soon?"
"In the meantime, do your most to convert him, and let yourself fall to love. Make us proud."
The man didn't need to say anything to confirm his clearing, because I could feel his presence slowly diminish from the hilly area. The sun's shining made my shadow visible on the tree as I gazed at the dark brown roots, euphoric. I felt restored, fresh, like a brand new person. All my emotions had been nurtured by that man, and was now reinstated.
My lord really had heard my cries.
"Luka?...Are you alright?" I could hear Kallista ask behind me.
I smiled at the tree before spinning around. "I've never been better."