Chapter Twelve: Pressure
"...are you... s-scared of me now?" mahina kong tanong sa kanya sabay punas sa bibig ko.
I couldn't breathe after that, I couldn't think properly, I couldn't do anything—I was just frozen at this point.
I would understand kung magagalit siya sa'kin, o mandidiri siya, pero... medyo... medyo masakit kasi kaibigan ko siya.
I don't do friends unless they are Dixons or Diamantes kasi silang naman din ang mga kaibigan ko ngayon.
If Adrian doesn't want to be friends with me anymore... or work with me, I understand, I will understand.
Nagtama ang mga mata na'min sa isa't-isa at ako na ang mismong unang pumutol sa titigan na'min, I was nervous to look at his reaction... at his face.
Narinig ko ang bawat apak ng mga paa niya papalapit nang papalapit sa'kin bago siya umupo sa harap ko.
Mas lalo lang akong ninerbyos dahil sa presensiya niya sa harap ko.
I don't know kung galit siya o... nandidiri siya sa'kin.
"But you're not." sabi niya.
"You're not a Villanueva, you were a victim, kidnapped." dagdag niya.
Wait, alam niya?
Binalik ko ang tingin ko sa kanya habang hawak hawak ko pa rin yung tisyu at yung trash can.
"Alam... mo?"
He chuckled softly and nodded.
"My kuya hinted me a bit about you, kuya Ares. Sabi niya... may nakaraan ka raw sa mga Villanueva noon." explain niya.
"Di ka ba—"
"Natakot? No, hell no, Calla. You worked with Dixons and Diamante kaya 'di ako natakot sa'yo, 'di sinabi sa'kin ni kuya Ares ang lahat pero... I just knew that you were one of the few kids who were kidnapped for their... ways."
Nawala ang kaba sa dibdib ko, parang gusto ko nanamang sumuka pero kaya ko pa naman, kaya ko pa.
"I'm never going to be scared of you, Calla. Never. You're a good person, too good of a person to be like them." tawa niya ulet at umupo sa tabi ko para tulungan ako.
"Yun lang ba? Yun lang ba ang problema mo, hm?"
Tumindig ang balahibo ko sa baba ng boses niya, I know that his voice could be deep but I didn't it'd be this deep, huminga ako nang malalim at umakto na lang na sumuka ako.
He made me nervous again, damn it.
"I'll take you home now. I'll reschedule my meetings for now, okay? I'll order some medicine too."
"D-Don't." away ko sa kanya sabay punas ulet sa bunganga ko.
"Di mo naman... kailangang gawin yo'n... I-I can... t-take care of myself..."
Anong klaseng assistant ako kung pababayaan ko yung boss ko na i-reschedule ang mga meetings niya dahil sa'kin, kung siguro dahil sa pamilya niya or personal stuff then I understand.
He needs to do his work, okay?
He can't reschedule his meetings just because of me, his assistant!
"It's rescheduling, not canceling."
"Adria—"
"No, Calla. I'm your boss, I can make decisions for myself. Now... iuuwi kita, kakain ka tapos iinom ka rin ng gamot na ipapabili ko. If you want to argue with me, argue with me after you're better, okay?"
I didn't want to do that for him, importante 'tong meeting na 'to dahil opisyal na yung irerelease na proyekto ng production company ng mga Cardoza.
Importante 'to para sa ahensiya din na'min, their managers and teams are working overtime for them too, we work with them to make sure na okay ang lahat.
Lumuhod siya sa harap ko at hinawakan ang kamay ko, it was warm yet comforting at the same time.
It's crazy how someone can just make you feel better by their presence, smile, just... themselves in general.
"Okay..." mahina kong sagot sa kanya.
Karine is not even this nice to me, minsan mabait pero mas strikto siya kaysa mabait, may caring side pa rin naman siya but never as nice as Adrian.
"Wait!" sigaw ko nang bigla niyang pinosisyon ang sarili niya na parang bubuhatin niya 'ko.
"D-Don't... do that."
"Why not?"
"I can walk, okay? 'Di ako mahina."
"You couldn't walk and you threw up in the garbage can in the hallway, you're not yourself right now, Calla."
Bakit ba siya tawa ng tawa?
May nakakatawa ba sa pakiramdam ko ngayon?
"I'm heavy! M-Mabigat ako... 'di mo 'ko kailangan buha—AH!"
'Di niya 'ko pinatapos at binuhat ako bridal style, he lifted me quickly as fast as possible, he's really strong, his muscles are not just for show, his muscles are real and he is so freaking strong.
"You're insulting me, Calla. Mabigat? Pa'no ka mabigat? You're not even half the weight I lift in my training." tawa niya.
I swear I gained weight last week kakainom ng frappe, ang dami ko ring nakaing pizza at ice cream na rin, I need to start running again to at least burn calories but I was so busy.
"Now... rest for me, Calla. Please?" bulong niya.
I can't stop him.
I really can't stop this man.
Siya ang boss ko at assistant niya lang ako, I'm not meant to do anything against his wills, I guess I have no choice but to follow his orders.
"O...kay."
I don't like this, I don't like this at all pero wala talaga akong magagawa.
He took me back to his place, sa mansyon, doon pa rin naman ako nakatira kahit na naghahanap ako ng apartment para sa sarili ko.
I don't know kung yun pa rin ba ang gusto ko pero alam ko na iyon ang tama.
I lived with him kasi 'di pa 'ko nakahanap ng matutuluyan para sa'kin, nakatira pa 'ko sa mansyon ng mga Dixon nung time na yun.
I thought I was gonna find my place after a week but he... he just made me feel something while I was living and working with him.
Home.
His place felt like home, I felt comfort and just warmth... tulad niya.
Isa rin siguro sa dahilan kung bakit ninerbyos ako ay dahil ayokong... ayokong mag-iba ang tingin niya sa'kin.
I hate to admit it.
I hate to admit this but... I like him as a friend, I like him for being nice, for being caring, for being... such a good person towards me.
'Di ko deserve yo'n, 'di ko siya deserve na maging kaibigan ko, but he made me feel that I deserve it, that I deserve this.
But I don't, I don't deserve him.
"Are you..." simula ko nang nakarating kami sa entrance ng mansyon niya.
"...are you not going to ask me anything?"
"What do you want me to ask?" tanong niya.
For years, ever since I was rescued by Mr. and Mrs. Dixon, laging may tanong tungkol sa buhay ko.
It was always questions of what I did for them, ilang beses akong tinanong ng pulis tungkol sa mga detayle kung saan yung lokasyon nila, sino yung mga naka-deal nila, sino yung mga iba pa na nakita kong tinulungan yung mga taong kumidnap sa'kin.
I gave them everything, I wasn't scared, I was upset at that time.
Upset because I... I already have nothing tapos ngayon tutulungan nila ako?
I was upset at the world for letting me stay at that family for a long time.
No one asked me... how I was.
Kamusta ako, anong naramdaman ko, what mattered to other people... to the other families was what I did for the Villanuevas.
Kung 'di kanila Karine, sa mga Dixon at Diamante... baka hanggang ngayon punong puno pa rin ako ng galit at lungkot sa loob ng katawan ko.
I'm better now, but it doesn't mean that I have forgotten everything.
"Everything. You must have had... questions for me, tulad ng iba." dagdag ko.
He sighed and parked next to his mansion.
"Di ako magtatanong kung ayaw mo 'kong magtanong, Calla. It is all about you, if you want to tell me anything... I'm willing to listen, it's you... it's your decision..." he paused and looked at me straight in the eye.
"...it's your story, it's your life. Sino naman ako para magtanong at ipuwersa ang sagot galing sa'yo?"
It is.
Storya ko yo'n.
Buhay ko yo'n.
But I wish it wasn't.
I wished na hindi ko yo'n storya.
I wished na sana hindi yo'n naging parte ng buhay ko but fuck yes it is.
He opened the door of the car for me and carried me again in bridal style.
We look at each other's eyes for a minute before he sent me a kind smile, just as kind as his eyes.
He's so... kind.
Too good.
Too nice.
Too much.
I feel like... I'm drowning for a minute there.
"I was a kid. I was a kid nung... iniwan ako ng nanay ko sa kanila." simula ko at sinara niya yung pinto ng kotse gamit yung hita niya.
"I was confused. Wala akong alam pero sabi nila para raw sa nanay ko ang gagawin ko, makakatulong daw para sa pamilya ko. I agreed kasi nakita ko ang mga sakripisyo na ginawa ng nanay ko para sa'kin. I wanted to help her so we could finally leave my father who did nothing but hurt her... hurt us. He was abusive."
Dahan-dahan siyang naglakad papunta sa mansyon, binuksan niya ang pinto gamit ang susi niya at ginamit ulet ang hita niya para itulak pabukas ang pinto.
"I wanted to help her, I love... I loved my mom."
I feel weak, I feel... so fucking weak.
"But she left me. With them. With the Villanuevas." hingal kong sabi pagpasok na'min sa loob.
"I did everything for them. I was... helping them sell drugs, sabi nila yung pera raw mapupunta sa nanay ko. But it was really for them. And then... they told me the truth, and... t-they... hit me. They would tell me na wala akong kwenta, na palamon lang ako, na kung gusto kong mabuhay kailangan gawin ko raw ang gusto nila..."
I suffered.
I was tortured.
I was told that I was useless, yun daw ang dahilan kung bakit ako iniwan ng nanay ko.
"I realized... na... I'm not doing those things anymore for my mom... I was doing them now for myself. I had to survive... I-I... n-needed to s-survive..."
'Di ko inaakalang paguusapan ko 'to kay Adrian.
I've told the same thing to the Dixons, Genevieve and Quinten... but never to this extent, sinabi ko lang yung mga pinagdaanan ko, I never went into detail.
I guess... I should have expected this.
Iba kapag si Adrian.
Iba kapag siya.
And now I want to just... let it out, and it hurts.
"...and I didn't... w-want to survive anymore. I stopped selling these drugs nung nagdalaga ako... but it got worse then. I... I..."
Tumulo yung mga luha ko at napayakap ako nang mahigpit kay Adrian to hide my tears, it was too much, it was just too much.
"...d-di ko alam... k-kung ano... y-yong nagawa ko... I... just wanted... t-to survive... I... I..."
Ilang beses ko na bang natanong ang sarili ko kung bakit? Ano bang nagawa kung kasalanan sa mundo?
Sa panginoon?
Is it my past life?
I don't know!
Inupo niya 'ko sa may couch at pinunasan ang mga luha sa pisngi ko at pati na rin sa may mga mata ko, he was gentle because I had makeup and he didn't want to ruin it.
Nakangiti pa rin siya sa'kin habang pinupunasan yung mga luha ko.
"I... I feel pressure. I still do." he spoke.
"I still feel pressure to become a Cardoza that is just like my brothers. Si kuya 'Lex, he's doing great as the head of my family, metikyuloso siya, matalino, he's just perfect."
I nodded at his words while he continued and as he's taking off my heels.
"Si kuya Ares naman he was slow but everything worked well, he's signing models in our family modeling agency that are famous, he's... amazing, and he's also an amazing father and husband, pareho sila nina kuya 'Lex."
Napatingin siya sa band-aid sa likod ng paa ko, may sugat ako nung nakaraan dahil natalisod ako, I was running fast and I got an wound from my heels.
"Business wasn't my first option, but I liked it, I knew I had to get used to that part dahil doon magaling ang pamilya ko, we are known for it. I liked designing, I liked interior designing, I was happy na they let me do it, they let me do what I wanted but... I knew what I had to do too in this family..."
Tinanggal niya yung band-aid at napasinghap ako sa sakit, it still hurts, the wound still hurts, shit.
"...kung hindi siguro sa'yo, Calla... siguro mahihirapan ako nang husto. Your words, your presence, your smile... your... help... made me a better person, made a better CEO..." huminto siya at tumingin ulet sa'kin habang minamasahe ang paa ko.
"...I'm happy... that you survived, Calla Elinor Rodriguez."
I gasped.
"I'm forever going to be grateful for your existence..."
"A-Adrian..."
Naiiyak nanaman ako.
"...you survived, you're a survivor, I don't know if you wanted to survive or not... I'm just happy na nandito ka, na nakilala ko ang isang tulad mo..."
"Adrian..." hingal ko.
He chuckled and wiped my tears again.
Nakakainis siya, nakakainis siya talaga... pinapaiyak niya 'ko.
"The pressure is still here. And I'm sure that you also have pressure in your shoulders but I want to tell you that I'm here, your friend... your best friend..."
Nagulat ako nang bigla niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko at hinalikan ang likod ng kamay ko.
"...and I'm always here to listen to you, to take off that pressure off your shoulders, just like you did with mine. Okay?" he smiled.
Namula ako sa sinabi niya, bumilis din ang pintig ng puso ko but I still cried after that.
His words are comforting, they bring such warmth just like his presence, his kindness, his eyes... him, he is just so different, so good... so perfect.
How can someone like him exist?
How?
I don't deserve him as a friend.
I don't deserve you, Adrian.
"Ang bait mo... m-masyado sa'kin, Adrian... I don't... deserve that." natatawa kong sabi sa kanya.
"Mabait ako dahil sa'yo, Calla. Dahil sa'yo... and believe me, you deserve it, you deserve me... you deserve it all."