November 20, 2010
William wrung his hands together, staring at the closed door of his father's office like it would open itself. For three days he came up to the door, lifted his fist to knock, then backed away. Which was ridiculous, this was his father who he loved unconditionally, but their past was riddled with turbulence.
First it was the divorce, then as he was adjusting the car crash happened, and that... Was a lot in one week. He remembered blaming his father, refusing to talk to him, pleading with anyone who would listen to not make him walk behind her casket. It was too much, to pace behind for miles and stare at the box that would enclose his mum for the rest of time. To Charles, to everyone really, that didn't matter. He had to walk as a visual reminder of Diana's legacy, to build sympathy for his family.
After it all though his dad was there. He stepped up, and raised Harry and him just as their mum would've wanted, but not even a year later he was forced to sit down with Camilla. She was kind enough, and the meeting was cordial, but nowhere in his heart did he want to meet her. Nor did he appreciate his father's press team leaking the story simply for the woman's publicity. The sooner everyone got over the last two decades the sooner they could get married, and being complicit felt like a betrayal to Diana.
Then Jaclyn came into his life, and threw in an extra wrench for good measure, but through it all he finally understood his father. There was always that inkling of fear of losing her, of being forced in a different direction. So he accepted Camilla. Not because he wanted to have something over his father's head, and not because he was willing to forget all that happened, but because it felt like the right thing to do.
He raised his fist and pounded on the door before he could run off again while his mind was semi preoccupied. The confrontation was long overdue, and he had good news to share. His father's command to enter set him moving again. Entering the office highlighted the rain, that was muffled throughout the rest of the palace. The windows were larger than in any other room, and they spied out right to the garden. More often than not if Charles wasn't working with the plants then he was sitting by the windows admiring them.
"How can I help you, William?" He asked from where he sat furiously writing. His glasses were nearly slipping off his nose, head bent over to reveal the perfect balding circle hiding amongst his snowy hair.
The small velvet box concealed within the inner pocket of his suit jacket felt impossibly heavy, and he patted the area just for reassurance. He sat down, hoping the noise would force his father to look up, this felt like something he should say with the man's eyes on him, but to no avail.
"I'm going to propose to Jaclyn," he said. The quick flicks of Charles' pen stopped, glasses finally sliding off his nose, and after a brief second he looked up.
"When?" He was unmoving, locked with disbelief, because wasn't it just last week that William swore he wasn't ready?
"I'm not sure, I wanted to talk to you first." His hand was clenched over the slight bulge in his suit pocket, and his mind relaxed each time he did so.
It's still there, you haven't lost it yet.
After a few nights of throwing ideas back and forth, mostly it was Jaclyn telling him what she would like to do, and he would come back with what they could do, he felt better about this next step. But...
There was still the issue. The one that's been collateral to his soul since he was a child, and burrowed into his mother's side and asked her what happened. As a kid it felt like both his parents lost their happiness when really Harry and he were simply protected from the truth.
"There were three of us in the marriage."
"Why did you do it?" He asked, with her broken confession pounding his skull, watching with held breath as his father's excited laughter halted with confusion. William inhaled, loosening the tie now that he was done with his events for the day. "Why did you cheat on mum?"
"Ah." The tension in the room doubled, and the two men could no longer look the other in the eye. The sprinkle of rain was growing, drumming harshly against the large glass windows, and Charles watched as he tried to compose himself as it sloshed beat against the newly planted forget me nots in his garden.
He sighed it was difficult for him to talk about, but it would be painful for William to relive. "If you're worried about doing the same thing-"
"Dad, we can't ignore this forever." William clenched his fist over his bouncing knee, if only to restrain himself from yelling outright. It wouldn't be fair to his father, to come in on this random day and throw a fit over something they hardly discussed. That little detail though was what stemmed his frustration. Were they all so wrought with family trauma, and their lessons of stoicism that their minds couldn't contemplate discussing their grief? Was it wrong of him to want to place his father in this position, to use him as a tool to calm his own anxiety?
Was that even what he was doing?
Just as William nearly stormed out, scoffing about bringing up the past being a mistake, Charles cleared his throat. "Diana and I, we were... Ill matched from the start. She loved the city, I did best in the country. I loved classical theatre, and she found it boring. Simple things really." William eased back into his seat, head tilted as he listened. Most of this he knew, he remembered his mother, with her gentle hands, messing with his hair as she tried to explain the divorce.
"It lead to a lot of fights, and public opinion in the early days of our marriage didn't help. We spent more time apart because time spent together was never good." Taking a chance Charles looked up, but that was a mistake. With a brief glance a ghost resurrected across from him. William was like Diana in so many ways. From the smile to the crucifying eyes. The similarities felt like a punishment making it impossible to look at him sometimes.
"We really only ever got along for you boys."
The wistful smile that washed across his father's down turned face was not lost on William, nor did he think it disingenuous. Still, he crossed his arms, and leaned forward, not even completely sure what he was after anymore. "That's not all."
Charles huffed, "Why did you ask if you've already decided you're going to be upset?"
"Because-" he really didn't know. Maybe all he needed was to vent, to tell his father about the irrational fears plaguing him to see if he even cared. Maybe he needed to get upset over it all just once, so that he could drop the pressure and move on. Maybe for once in his life he didn't want to be the pillar of calm perfection everyone thought he was. He just wanted to let loose the carnivorous anger hidden behind his heart so it hopefully wouldn't consume him.
The frustration boiled over and his voice strained, "Because I have a right to be upset. I know this is awkward, but I was hoping you could at least try to be honest with me." His hand clenched around the box in his pocket protectively, head bowing to hide the tremble in his jaw.
"You cheated on her." His voice was almost as thunderous as the pelting rain. "You cheated on her because you were in love with someone else."
If he would've grown up as sheltered as Harry he could've claimed to have some deniability, but by the time it all broke down he was too old to be oblivious when the signs were so clearly there. He became his mum's confidant, held in her arms in the master bed that always felt too large and lonely for her. He knew the ups and downs of her love life better than anyone, and she leaned on him so heavily during his teen years. He promised her to fix it all when he was king, he would reinstate her, give her her own title, anything to stop her tears.
Perhaps if his mum were still alive he would take out some of these frustrations on her, but it felt wrong to hold a grudge against a ghost. Especially one as kind and loving as his mother. Poor Charles had to carry the burden alone.
"Do you know how exhausting it is to be paying for your mistakes? The entire family cautioning me to not do the same as if I didn't grow up listening to you scream at each other, trying to shield Harry from it as much as I could. People are waiting for me to turn into you, bloody hell I think I'm waiting to turn into you!"
With his shout, a breath broke through his lungs that he'd been holding back for months, and the tension leaked between his bones relinquished. The past that hung over him like an axe was fading with the confession, and though he couldn't smile he relaxed back in the stiff armchair.
Charles, who went rigid the minute William raised his voice, slumped back as well. Not quite in relief, more like a punch landing in his abdomen. "I know, I made many mistakes. I allowed myself to be pushed into a marriage that I knew was doomed, and because of that mindset I never tried to fix it. I made her immensely unhappy," he chanced a look up at William, rolling his hands together to stop from reaching out, "but the same could be said for her."
With one more breath he added, "You need to stop placing blame on me, and stop being so afraid." It wasn't to be cruel, but a soft push to remind his son that he deserved happiness too. It was not William's job to carry the past simply because he was a product of it, and if Charles could get him to see that then he would consider himself an accomplished father.
"If I could go back and fix it all I would. I am sorry William, I hope you know that I love you and your brother more than anything else, but don't let my decisions hold you back from your chance at a happy life." In a split second decision he stood, and crouched in front of William like he had when he was just a boy.
There was clarity in William's blue eyes pushing past the ghosts, and both men were able to smile. Even if slightly. "I love you too dad," he hesitated, gaze falling sidewards, "I'm sorry for springing this-"
He squeezed his shoulder, "Don't apologize." When Charles was this old he remembered wanting to talk to his father, but their relationship was so strained he never went through. How many sins could have been avoided with a simple heart to heart? He didn't want either of his boys to feel that isolated, and now his heart sulked to think that was where they were going.
"Always talk to me," he finished, his smile more sorrowfully desperate.
-----
By the time William finally left Clarence House the rain was easing, leaving behind a streaked dark sky. The ride to Kensington was silent giving him the chance to mull over his thoughts. The box jabbed awkwardly into his side as his arms crossed protectively. Even after everything?
He still wanted to do this.
He smiled, pulling out the ring box and taking the time to look at it. Every time he moved it, even when he first grabbed it, it was a quick decision and each time it got stuffed somewhere safe and he didn't look back.
Now he popped the top off freely gazing down at the sapphire that had for so long belonged to his mum. Even after everything happened she never took it off, it was a radiant part of her person, and she never looked right without it.
For the remainder of the drive, he stared at it. It wasn't until he was approaching the large drawing room inside KP that he finally returned it to the inside of his jacket. Behind the decorative walls he could here a mix of laughter, shouting and singing.
He leaned in the wide doorframe, arms crossed and still smiling.
Jaclyn and Kate, with their hairbrushes in hand, were dancing around singing to the record player. While Zara and Mike hummed along and Charlie sat in the corner like he would rather die.
"To avoid complications
She never kept the same address
In conversation
She spoke just like a baroness."
Jaclyn spun around singing to the song, only slightly off pitch. Not that he could do better. Everyone laughed as she moved, resting on the arm of Harry's chair and singing with him.
"She's a Killer Queen!" Kate joined them and they yelled out. Jaclyn turned to see him watching, but now bent over laughing so she sang harder and it got more atrocious. He couldn't help but imagine the sapphire ring wrapped around her finger, glinting as she moved and just as radiant as she was.
If this was going to be the rest of his life then it didn't look so bad.
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Anyone want to tell me why this was so hard!?!
Lordy I struggled. Not entirely sure how I feel about the conversation, like I hit everything I wanted to, but the more I reread the less I liked it. I guess that could've just been because I read it approximately twenty times lol.
Anyways, the actual proposal is coming!!! So let's get excited!!!