⚠️ TW: child abuse, neglect, attempt suicide, murder in slight detail
This might be a hard read for some, I honestly thought about not publishing it lol
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Seokjin wasn't one to reminisce. He hated his memories, he hated his mind. And therefore, he tried to never keep tokens from his past. His childhood and teen years are nothing but pain. Plus, it's not like being an adult was any easier; he kept all his trauma pushed in the back of his mind, he doesn't need or want to constantly remember the pain.
But there's one token he keeps despite the pain it used to cause him. He keeps it hidden in his drawer in his office: a hospital band. Too small to even fit around two of his fingers. It used to fill his chest with sorrow.
Sometimes, like now, he found himself twisting the plastic band around his fingers, being careful not to tear it more than it already was due to time. Despite the memories it brought back, Seokjin couldn't push himself to throw it away. And his refusal and inability to do so only angered him.
Seokjin hated feeling things like this. He just hated being alive.
Being alive is so hard; constantly waking up with two things on his mind: who will die today and where can he get his next high?
Being alive meant feeling things. Seokjin hated feeling anything. He just wanted to be numb. He didn't even want to feel himself. He hated it. Numbness was the only thing he craved. He wanted to feel so far away that even his own body began to feel as though it weren't part of him.
Seokjin always functioned better when there was something in his system. He loved Lithium — commonly used for those who suffered with bipolar disorder. The way it numbed all his emotions and made him feel almost zombie-like. Then there were days where he needed more energy so he tended to abuse meth as well. He's no rookie in this sport, he's tried many other things to make himself feel numb, to give him energy, to take him to a different world, to help him sleep. Just anything that wouldn't allow him to focus on himself.
In a way, being a mafia leader made Seokjin incredibly lucky. As one of the leading Kims, his job was more on the war/fighting side of things. While Namjoon stayed in the background, calling shots and making sure things are going as planned, Seokjin is on the frontlines getting blood on his hands, soaked in his clothes, and splattered on his face. He loved it. He enjoyed the darker aspects of the mafia whereas his counterpart enjoyed the strategic, clean, monetary side. His role and the tasks that came with it required him to constantly be on his feet, to go nights without sleeping, and to be merciless. And Seokjin did that with ease.
Probably the most hardest part of being in a mafia is the target recruits: children. But Seokjin had not one caring bone in his body. He saw children just the way he saw anyone else: an asset or a liability. Most of the time, they're assets. Children soak things up like a sponge and can be moulded into whatever you want them to be. It just took time, dedication, and apathy.
Seokjin would know as he himself was the more stubborn kind of the child. The one that took more time to break. But when he did, it was easy sailing afterwards. He was born a psychopath; he loved to kill animals in various ways: with his hands, rocks, guns, knives.
Taehyung and Jimin enjoyed bringing up Seokjin's childhood. They especially liked bringing up his deceased father. It's not like Seokjin misses his dad nor does he take to heart the jabs they make involving his childhood. He understood Taehyung and Jimin had a rough childhood just as the rest of the Crowned Members and they all had their ways of dealing with it.
However, sometimes, their words triggered memories that even the strongest drug couldn't suppress.
Cruel and unusual punishment is what Kim Seokjin was used to. As a child, discipline was given to him through means that could easily be considered torture. And no amount of crying or pleading would stop the punishment but instead, prolong it.
Rules ruled Seokjin for as long as he could remember.
The first rule he was ever given was No Talking Back. Or no talking at all. His father pressed that observation was the most important part of childhood and so talking would only get in the way. If he were to speak during his lessons, his father would place duct tape over his mouth and keep it there for as long as he deemed fit. Sometimes, the old man would shock him with the chip he had implanted into the boy's neck at birth.
Other rules included never show vulnerability or cry, never value someone else's life over yours, and to always remember that lives end. Therefore, never feel sad or be affected by killing people.
Seokjin was only raised by his father. He never knew who his real mother was, only his father and he never once mentioned her. However, Seokjin was introduced to many women who were put into his life to act as a maternal figure. Psychologically speaking, boys tend to cling to their mothers more than their fathers and having a maternal figure was an important way to teach young Seokjin how to detach. His father wanted to teach him about letting things go and not staying committed to one thing so he would hire women to care for Seokjin only to snatch them away when he began to show the least bit of affection or reliance.
The women weren't for Mr. Kim, they were simply part of an experiment.
It never really hurt Seokjin as bad as some may expect, however, there was one woman to whom he had grown attached. She was nothing but nice to him and everything an amazing mother should be. She looked like Seokjin too. Of course, she was too young to be his real mother. He was around eight at the time she arrived and she was only twenty-one. She was a soft-spoken woman with short black hair she always had curled in a style similar to Marilyn Monroe. She loved Marilyn Monroe.
Seokjin's father kept her around the longest — almost three years. She would read to him and sing him to sleep. After beatings, she'd nurse him back to health and restore his confidence his father loved to knock down. She cooked amazing food for him and taught him how to cook as well, she taught him how to properly fold clothes so they wouldn't be wrinkled. Of course, Seokjin had tried to keep his guard up until he realized that it seemed as though she would stay.
Seokjin loved this woman. She was the best mother his father had ever given him.
Then one day, she disappeared. And it broke the young boy's heart. It hurt him more than anything he experienced with his father. It hurt more than the camps he was forced to go to. It hurt more than the beatings or when his father finally took the tape off his mouth after leaving it on for more than one day. It hurt more than when his father tied him to his bed and let another kid beat him with a bat as punishment for crying.
He was ten when she was taken from him and he spiralled into such a strong depression that he tried to take his own life that same month.
The same boy that had beat him with a bat had found out about ten-year-old Seokjin's suicide attempt. He had introduced Seokjin to alcohol at that early age and he lost himself in the world of substance abuse. He was only a child when he experienced his first overdose having taken pain medication with the alcohol. His father hadn't taken him to the hospital but instead waited for the boy to come to before sending him away to another camp. He was eleven at this time.
This was where he got to see the woman again.
Seokjin remembered it clear as day. He ventured around the area for a while, trying to figure out what his father wanted him to do. He had walked into a building after walking around outside for a few minutes upon arriving. As soon as he opened the door to the building, he was met with a set of stairs that led down to a single room illuminated by a sickly green light hanging from the ceiling.
There was a woman bound to a chair right underneath the light. He couldnt see her face as she was slumped over and her hair was overgrown. Her dress was ripped and the neckline hung loosely over her right shoulder. Seokjin made no move to move her or talk to her, he just stood there. He saw no gun, no knife, nothing that he was supposed to kill her with. So he sat down on the dirty floor and waited.
The woman stirred after minutes of waiting, startling the eleven-year-old. She groaned and pulled herself up so she was sitting up straight.
"Niyu?" Seokjin whispered, his eyes wide as he pushed himself up on his knees. "Niyu? M-Momma?"
He remembered jumping up and running to her, wrapping his thin arms around her even with the chair being in the way. He wanted to cry but he knew his father would punish him so he held his breath and buried his face in her neck.
"No, Jin," Niyu had croaked out, "Jin, let go."
When he did, he finally got to see her face. Even with the dirt building up on her glass skin, she was still the gorgeous women who was snatched away from him last year. Her hair wasn't as short or curly as she used to wear it, it was thinner and longer and seemed to have been cut in layers. As he moved away to stand in front of her, he noticed the way her stomach protruded underneath her dress.
"Niyu, what's—"
Suddenly, the door upstairs opened and heavy footsteps made their way down the stairs to the room Seokjin and Niyu were in. He watched as a large man appeared and headed straight towards him. Without a word, the man handed Seokjin a piece of paper before leaving just as quickly as he had come in.
The boy unfolded it and the only words written in bold were YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Seokjin's father truly was cruel. But he knew better than to disobey the man.
All lives end.
He knew better than to try and talk to her. It would only hurt him more. So he got on with his task. He had no tools to but his own thin hands. The most traumatic part, however, wasn't killing the woman who he loved as a real mother.
It was the baby.
For years, Seokjin couldn't remove the image from his mind: Niyu's dead baby, minutes after she had died. He had stood there, staring at the red lump that had fallen from her dress. It was horrifying and sickening but Seokjin could only stare. God, he couldn't even breathe.
It was what pushed him deeper into addiction. While his father found another boy to reprogram as an assistant for Seokjin, the then seventeen-year-old was at his worst. He tried everything under the sun to rid his mind of the trauma his father put him through. But not only that, he was killing animals just for the fun of it and his specific interests were pregnant animals. He liked to shoot them, bash their heads in with a rock, carve out their insides, anything.
He began to form a craving; an itch, deep in his mind. Something drugs couldn't subdue.
One day, he met a girl. He was seventeen at the time and the girl was sixteen. Her name was Erin and she was probably the most gorgeous girl Seokjin had ever met. She looked like Niyu in a way but with her own twist. She was half Korean and half white with dark brown eyes and jet black hair that she always kept curled or in a bun.
Erin had no idea who Seokjin truly was. He hid himself well: his addiction, his psychopathy, the mafia. Everything. He hid it so well, even a socialite sociopath wouldn't understand how he did it.
He convinced Erin he was just the son of a rich man who owned multiple companies and she foolishly believed him. Why, why would someone this handsome, smart man?
Seokjin didn't act like or look like someone whose sanity was only being held up by the intense use of drugs. He looked sophisticated, he talked sophisticated. His hair was always done, his face clear from breakage. He wore long sleeves to hide the scars from needles and light makeup to hide the dark circles around his eyes.
For two years, Erin stayed in the dark, believing that her boyfriend was this kind, loving, rich man. While she slept alone, he was out, satisfying that psychotic itch in his brain that only got worse as itme went by.
Then, two years into their relationship, Erin got pregnant. She was ecstatic as she had always talked about wanting to be a mother.
Around this time, Seokjin was preparing to take over. His father had fully reprogrammed Ghost to be Seokjin's robot and secured a deal with the enemy: Kim Namjoon. Mr. Kim figured now was the time to hand over the reigns. So Seokjin had many things to be excited about: his girlfriend of two years was pregnant and he was about the be the leader of the most dangerous mafia in South Korea as well as merge his growing mafia with Kim Namjoon's.
Seokjin had no problem killing his father. If anything, it felt amazing to no longer have the man around. He felt truly free. It felt amazing. Three months after the death of Seokjin's father, he and Namjoon officially merged their mafias under the code name: Family Union.
Erin was close to birth at this point. She was homebound and her stomach was so round and large that it looked as though if you poked it hard enough, it would pop. She was obsessed with the idea of being a mother and had began nesting as soon as she found out they were having a little girl. Seokjin had paid for everything down to the smallest pair of socks but he hadn't played an active, supportive role until now.
Erin decorated, built the crib in the nursery and the bassinet in the master bedroom, observed the painters and movers, moved things around herself, folded all the clothes, she did everything in preparation for their child. Seokjin distanced himself. It was at this point he was beginning to lose his grip.
It was hard for him to ignore the urge. He didn't want to hurt her...he didn't want to hurt her.
Leading the mafia, Seokjin tried to focus solely on his work in hopes that the itch in his mind would be satisfied by other means. But it wasn't. He imagined and hopes that, after Erin gave birth, the itch would leave.
Unfortunately, he didn't make it that long.
Seokjin hardly stayed in the townhouse where Erin lived. He was observing the construction for the mansion where the important members of The Family would stay. Plus, he had no intention of living with Erin and the baby. Namjoon had made the rule of no dating outsiders and he gave Seokjin an ultimatum: break up with Erin or integrate Erin into The Family.
He didn't want to do the latter and he had no problem with doing the former.
So the day Namjoon gave Seokjin the ultimatum, the older Kim made his way to the cozy townhouse where his very pregnant girlfriend was staying. The minute he walked through the door, he was met with a smiling Erin as she waddled over to show something about the baby.
"I've missed you, Jin, you're missing out a lot on Niyeon—"
In a flash, Seokjin pulled his gun out of his jacket pocket and before he knew it, Erin was lying on the ground.
People ran into the townhouse afterwards: doctors and nurses trained to work in The Family. But Seokjin didn't stay to watch. With a straight, stone-cold face, he turned and walked down the steps back to his car.
He was supposed to just break up with her. But the itch couldn't be ignored any longer.
The itch in his mind was no longer there. But he couldn't say he was satisfied. He felt a foreign weight in his chest that made it hard to swallow or think clearly. He knew he would need something to rid his body of this unfamiliar and painful feeling.
That night, one of the nurses who had tended to Erin's wounds came into Seokjin's office to deliver some news.
"Erin died, but...we saved the baby. She's in Seoul Hospital right now awaiting adoption."
Seokjin wanted to ignore the urge to see the girl he just made an orphan, but he couldn't. He couldn't stop the curiosity blooming in his body to get one good look at the baby before she was given to a family who hopefully weren't anything like his father or himself. So he drove two hours to the hospital and met up with one of the doctors who secretly worked for The Family. He helped Seokjin get into the Labour and Delivery unit of the hospital as well as allowed him into the room where all the newborns were peacefully sleeping as it was around one in the morning.
"This is her," he had said, motioning at a very tiny baby tightly wrapped in a pink hospital blanket. "I'll leave you two. You have five minutes, don't wake the others."
Seokjin had only stared down at the sleeping baby. He was jealous of her truly. She'd grow up with a nice family and hopefully never know that her father had shot her mother in hopes of killing her too. She didn't have to worry about camps, being beaten, or having to kill the only person who mattered to him in this fucked up world.
And now, she slept peacefully, not knowing that there was a cold-blooded killer standing over her. And she'd never know. She'd never know how close she was to death.
With one minute left to spare, Seokjin unwrapped the baby from her warm and cozy confines. She flinched and released a shuttering breath from the cold hair hitting her skin but her eyes stayed closed. Seokjin slipped his finger underneath the hospital bracelet around the baby's thin wrist before slipping it right off.
He looked at it. Her name is Niyeon and Seokjin imagined her nickname would be Niyu.
He pocketed the hospital band just as the doctor came in. They exchanged no words as Seokjin left, holding the hospital bracelet in his pocket.
She'd go on to have a new name and live in the United States. Seokjin will never be able to find her. She'll be safe and she'll never know.
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Word Count: 3275
How do we feel about this chapter???
I didn't edit this chapter too much, sorry for errors