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"Like water,
feelings also overflow."
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There were things only family could heal.
That thought must have led me to the doorsteps of my aunt's residence, where my mother was currently residing. With no exact plan, I stood motionless before her bedroom door.
When my father passed away, he brought with him the affectionate relationship my mother and I had. I knew she loved me, still, and very much so. She did everything to keep the clan head's attention away from me, received the punishment for everything I lacked, and protected me the way she could think of.
And yet, here I was, hesitating to come in, let alone knock.
"Nee-chan?," a small voice of a male kid pulled me out of my trance. On my feet was Toge, scratching the sides of his eyes as they threatened to shut down. He limply hugged me, his chubby cheeks pressing against my thigh. "Hi."
My heart immediately calmed as I squatted to match his height and pulled him to my arms. "You just woke up, Toge-chan?"
"Salmon," he softly responded, flailing to my chest. "Nee-chan visits so little."
He's sulking.
"(F/n)." My aunt, Toge's mother, came and scooped the kid from me. "Sorry about that. I think his subconscious got overexcited when I told him Nee-chan's coming home."
Her demeanor had always been a breath of fresh air to me. The way she'd tend to both me and Toge equally like I were also her own. But however well she treated me, there remained a constant distance between us. One that could only be filled with my own mother.
I gave her a small smile, my chest feeling oddly heavy and nostalgic. "Thank you."
At that moment, I wished I could communicate my thoughts better, wished I could tell her how her presence assured me that I wasn't fully unwanted by my family. But when she returned the smile, warm and knowing, I knew I didn't have to say more.
"(F/n)." Her voice soothed my weariness for a second before her next request took my comfort. "I know it is a tough time between you and your mother, but learn to forgive her little by little, too."
My aunt rarely made comments like that. I had an inkling why, but a part of me protested. Small, but collective feelings I couldn't put into words. Somehow, it did not feel fair.
My head bobbed up and down in response despite not understanding the request. It was uncomfortable. I wanted to get rid of the topic soonest so I just remained silent.
"Is it (F/n)?," asked an eager voice as the door beside us opened wide, spitting the image of a hopeful woman. Her hair looked dry and brittle, lips lacking moisture. Her skin and complexion was drained of color like that of a sick person's. Heavy bags cushioned her tired eyes. The only thing that made her look alive was the way her tensed brows softened when she saw me. She looked relieved. "Why... didn't you come in?"
I was asking myself the same thing.
"Ah, I must've kept her from doing so," chuckled my aunt while rocking the naughty little guy on her arms back to sleep. "I'll be preparing dinner. You both take your time."
I gave my aunt a short bow before following my mother back inside.
She motioned on the beige loveseat adjacent to the foot of her bed while she sat on the soft mattress. My movements felt robotic and forced. I did not know how to act in front of her right now.
Reality was quite bitter. The only time I had seen my mother approach me with such urgency was when we met again after the clan gathering. After things went wrong. It was a selfish thought, but a small part of me wondered if everything were to go wrong, would she pull me into her arms and take care of me?
The silence was almost tangible. It was thick and the mood was depressing. I came here without a plan, and even if I had one, I wouldn't have the confidence to talk about it with her.
Maybe I just needed her presence. It should be fine... right?
"You visited..." My mother's voice was weak, but kind, contrary to the way she'd talk to me whenever our clan demanded her to "discipline" me properly.
I couldn't bring myself to look at her face, so I just stupidly stared at the floor. "How...have you been, Okaa-san?"
I expected her to reprimand me for not coming for months to check on her. Maybe even call me names like worthless, irresponsible or ungrateful. But the thread of my composure snapped when she regarded me in a soft voice. "You are such a strong child."
My heart dropped to my stomach. "Hm?"
Milliseconds felt like minutes in my head when I lifted my gaze and saw she had hers lowered, a solemn expression on her elegant, youthful face. Tilting my head to one side questioningly, I believed I heard her wrong. No one from my family had ever said that to me, and I did not care either way.
"Before I knew it, you've grown into such a strong child."
Oh... I did not know how to react to that.
My mother's eyes rested on the fingers that were fiddling on her lap. But when she realized I was looking at her, she finally faced me.
Full drops of crystalline tears raced down her pallid cheeks as she erupted into soundless sobs. The look on her face as she gazed at me– utterly broken. The liquid that escaped her eyes slid continuously, making me wonder where they were coming from. Was she already crying before I came? Was she holding it in?
"Please don't cry, Okaa-san." In the end, I found myself consoling my own mother. What she said was a compliment, but I didn't know why my chest suddenly felt constricted. Something from within tugged, and it tugged hard.
It seemed as if she was pitying me, and I did not like that.
"Did you know that I respect you?" My mother spoke with a withering tone after taking a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her smile overflowed with so many different emotions I could not fathom at once. "I hold you in such a high regard that sometimes, I wonder how a failure of a parent like me could have such a strong, amazing child like you."
...oh.
"Thank...you." So many questions. The situation was so foreign to me it did not even make sense. Weirdly enough, I wished the distance between us would return so I wouldn't have to deal with this. "Should I check on the kit–"
"(F/n)." The woman mirrored my stance, stepping before me with arms hesitant yet partly open. "Won't you let Okaa-san carry some of those worries in you?"
When my mother referred to herself the way I would call her, my calmness shattered. Where all the emotions that came rushing the next second were from– I had no idea.
All I know is that it hurts.
"Something is wrong with me." My voice came out shaky, eyes unfocused and agitated. The liquid that moistened my left cheek was cold, contrary to my heated skin. "I don't like it."
"(F/n)..."
"I feel lost. I don't know what to do, how to feel, how to act. I feel like I'm on a dead-end, but I shouldn't be. I wanted to complain, I hoped someone would listen and acknowledge that everything wouldn't be okay."
My thoughts effortlessly surfaced in my mind, flowing to the tip of my tongue with urgency. As if I didn't have enough time and nobody would listen anymore after this given chance. "But whenever I do that, I feel like a fool. I feel like I should always know what to do. That because something special is bestowed on me, I have no excuse to fail."
I feel vulnerable. I don't like it.
"And right now, I think I'm just complaining pointlessly and that there isn't an issue here. Maybe I'm just incompetent."
"You aren't," whispered the soft voice of the woman who had pulled me to her arms as I wept. "You aren't. You're so strong, my love. You're such a strong child."
"I don't want to be strong, Okaa-san, I want to be safe." Sobs began to rack my chest as words of protests left my mouth. "Why would you do this to me? Why didn't you do more? I was so scared. I felt so alone. Was I wrong? Did I do something when I was young that everyone turned from me and abandoned me?"
"It's my fault," she repeated on my ears over and over again. "It's my fault, my dear child."
"When... When I become a mother..." I knew I should stop, but it hurts too much. The need to reciprocate the pain of being left alone to fend for myself had gnawed on my heart deeper than I thought it did. "I don't want to be like you."
That wasn't what I wanted to say.
Or maybe that was.
Guilt was eating me throughout, but I couldn't stop. The voiceless child within me had only had her feelings known and I knew never again would I have this chance. "I will defend my children even if it takes my life for them to live. I wouldn't... I wouldn't let them feel alone in exchange for the safety of my peace. I can't..."
"And that clan." A humourless scoff spewed from my restless lips as I tried to catch my breath in between sobs. "What have I ever done wrong? I did everything I could, even at the expense of my childhood, my whole life. I... I wasn't trying to give them a hard time. I WAS having a hard time!"
I can't do this anymore.
"I miss Yume... and Suguru. Haibara, too."
It hurts. So much.
My mother only cradled my head as both of our bodies limply rested on the floor, my shoulders and chest remaining tense. She soothed my head and kissed my hair while holding me tightly. "Let it out, my darling. My little girl..."
And maybe, there were really things only family could heal.
Things they caused.
──❍──
Later That Night
"Onee-chan." Tsumiki quietly joined me in the balcony as I looked out the night sky, indulging my regrets courtesy of the earlier events. To tell my problems was one thing. To tell my mother my problems with her was another.
I wiped my cheek with the back of my hand and cleared my throat. "Did I wake you up?"
"No, Gojo-san did. He's tossing and turning," she remarked. "I think he's not feeling well."
Not feeling well? Satoru's sick?
Does he even get sick?
"Onee-chan." Tsumiki reluctantly took a step forward, putting her petite arms around my waist from the side. I tensed up, feeling vulnerable within her warm embrace. "Are you having a bad day? My mom used to do this to me before when I wake up from bad dreams."
This girl is such an angel, so much like Yume.
"Well... I kind of said bad things to my mom."
Her head bobbed innocently. "You did? Why?"
"I feel like no matter what I say will be an excuse, so I will return to apologize properly. Though... I think they were my honest feelings. Don't be like me, okay?"
She shook her head sharply. "But I want to be like you. You are really really amazing, nee-chan."
"Aren't you just cute? You make me miss my best friend. Oh, and last year, too. Before all of these happened." I chuckled bitterly as I reminisced the time I had back in Kyoto. It was simple, but at least I didn't lose anyone.
"Eh?" Tsumiki tilted her head as she listened with unwavering attention and concern. "Before you met Gojo-san?"
Before I met Satoru?
I heaved a sigh, the corner of my lips lifting into a wistful smile.
"Yes, I miss the time before I met him," I recalled, breathing in the cold evening air.
"Oh... But I thought the two of you are happy."
The comment was innocent, I knew that, but the thoughts it brought me were full of self-distrust. I never knew one sentence could make me doubt our whole relationship.
I didn't expect our connection to be so fragile.
What did I expect anyway?
We never really communicated and just tended to avoid talking about our problems and facing the truth behind our current situation. We had never talked about Suguru and Yume nor clarified our feelings.
There was no assurance except for that fabricated union in the form of an engagement.
"I have a lot of regrets." I motioned her to sit down next to me. "I like Satoru, but I wish I did more things before entering this relationship with him."
What am I even doing talking to a kid about this...?
I didn't want Tsumiki to bother thinking about my problems, but the look in her eyes told me how determined she was to listen. "Like what, nee-chan?"
"Like working harder, striving to achieve more..." I pondered deeper into those what ifs. "I want to stand beside Satoru without thinking I'm unworthy of him. I want to assure myself that I'm someone he can be proud of."
But aside from all of that, I wished I was never the one who took Suguru away from him.
"But Gojo-san always talks about you with us. He always brags about nee-chan," Tsumiki giggled, seeing no problem in my predicament. "I think Gojo-san likes you a lot!"
He does...?
He talks about me until now?
A smile marred my features as Tsumiki teasingly giggled. "Gojo-san was excitedly talking about your return a while ago. Megumi even got annoyed. He always looks so happy talking about you!"
Satoru was waiting for my return.
"I'm an idiot."
Tsumiki stopped, looking at me weirdly. "No, nee-chan is very smart."
"No no, Yume is so right. I'm an idiot."
Tsumiki didn't ask any further. "Then, I will go back to sleep, nee-chan. Thank you for sharing with me. This is so nice! I really wanted a sister."
I patted her head. "Alright. During weekends, we'll have an exclusive sisters date. Okay?"
"Yes!," she squealed. I shushed her immediately with widened eyes, both of us giggling after. "Good night, nee-chan."
"Good night, Tsumiki. Have a wonderful dream."
"I wi- Gojo-san! Hi!," the girl exclaimed in surprise as she turned and came face to face with Satoru.
Oh.
His tall figure was leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed against his chest. He nodded at Tsumiki to acknowledge her greeting. The younger scampered away after bidding him goodnight.
He, then, occupied the space beside me, but with a notable distance between us. The beautiful view of the night sky was overpowered with tension and awkwardness.
"You're not going to sleep yet?"
I looked down at my hands, my fingers drumming on my lap. "I'll be inside in a bit. Have you been there for long?"
"Not really, just before Tsumiki said goodnight."
It was silent again.
"I'm sorry...about last week."
"I understand," Satoru replied softly without meeting my eyes. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. Somehow, he looked unusually serious tonight. "I just don't get why you never tell me anything."
"What do you mean?"
"Most claim I'm strong," he started. "But none of you really tries to depend on me. Both you and Suguru. No one tells me anything, I don't know what to make of it."
I flinched at the mention of Suguru. It had been a while since we talked about him.
"I... didn't want you to worry about my problems." My explanation left my lips slower than I intended to.
"Too late," Satoru breathed out heavily. He reached for my cheek, gingerly tracing it with his thumb. "You should've said that when I didn't care about you yet."
My chest hurts.
I want to hug him.
"I'm sorry." The words left my lips as a pang of guilt hit my chest. "I'm so sorry, Satoru. I keep... hurting you."
Ahh shit. Why am I always crying lately?
"If there's one thing that bothered me...," Satoru trailed in a soft, gentle tone. "You ignored me for months. I thought, what if seeing me is hard for you? What if you hate me? What if you don't really want me anymore, but you just can't bring yourself to tell me?"
He's been having all these thoughts?
"Isn't it you who's supposed to hate me for being the reason why Suguru left...?"
"I've never thought of that." Satoru held me gently, kissing my eyes close. His hand brushed softly against my hair. "You didn't want that, and even if you did, I can't ever hate you."
He used to easily tell me to just cut a friend off before, but he was actually just as weak as me to attachments.
"You're too good for this," I chuckled bitterly, trying my best to not succumb in my emotions.
I was starting to like him more than what I deemed permissible. It wasn't an attraction brought by our differences anymore. It wasn't because of that enthralling looks nor the admiration that comes with his title as the strongest or as Gojo Satoru himself.
I was starting to like everything about him.
Even the things I couldn't stand before became things I couldn't stand to live without.
The way the real him contradicted how others perceived him to be. The way he tried to maintain a positive outlook despite everything around us falling apart. His leniency and patience...
I'm scared of messing up again and losing yet another important person.
He'd be better off without me.
"Do you think...it would be better if we just broke up?"
"No."
"What?"
Satoru wiped the impending tears off the corners of my eyes with his thumb. "No. Wrong question. Try again, wife."