CHAPTER 44
ANGER
Iris' POV
Damian didn't speak. He just started driving. Halata sa mukha niyang nahihirapan rin siya katulad ko. Pakiramdam ko pilit niyang pinipigilan ang sarili sa pagiyak. I had never seen him so vulnerable until tonight. He seemed so exhausted with everything.
He was silent but I could hear his heart screaming. I hated it. I hate not being able to do anything. I hate seeing him so broken.
Was I being too insensitive?
"Iris?"
"Hmmm?"
"Can I hold your hand one last time?"
My heart shattered into pieces. Ang sakit pakinggan ng tanong niya.
"Please?" He added. I hesitantly gave my hand to his. Ang higpit ng hawak niya sa kamay ko pero maski ako ay ganoon rin naman.
"Does this mean you finally agree with what I said? After tonight, you'll act like you never met me?"
Umiling siya. "I can't do that."
"Pero sabi mo huling pagkakataon na ito---"
"Hindi ko naman na talaga mahahawakan ang kamay mo, 'di ba?" He pursed his lips while he locked his eyes on the road. "I'm taking advantage of the fact that we're drunk. We can use that as an excuse."
I smiled a little. "Pareho tayong lasing kaya hindi natin alam ang ginagawa natin?"
"Something like that..."
Hininaan ko ang music upang marinig ko ang mahinang tawa niya.
I should be happy that even just for a short time, I get to do what my heart has been longing to do, but instead I felt the complete opposite.
Mali itong ginagawa ko. I'm betraying my boyfriend by allowing another man to hold my hand.
I pulled my hand away, earning a confused look from Damian. Tinitigan niya ako saglit bago siya tumango. He understood the reason behind my action.
"Sorry," I whispered.
"No, I'm sorry Iris. That was wrong."
I bit my lower lip and just blurted out what I have in mind. "Someday when I see you holding hands with another girl, I hope I won't feel sad."
"Why do you sound so sure that we won't end up together? Sinong may sabi sa'yong papayag ako?"
"Damian..."
"I'm done being the good guy. The world can call me selfish but I don't care anymore. I just want you, Iris."
Umiling ako. "Bakit ako pa? Nandiyan naman si Nova." I hate saying that but I have to push him away.
"Why do you keep on mentioning her?"
"Kasi girlfriend mo siya. You should be giving all your love to her."
"Girlfriend? Nova's just my bestfriend. Do you really think I could date someone else while I still have you in my heart?"
Hindi pala sila pero bakit kung makapagsalita si Nova ay tila may relasyon sila? So it's a one sided love then?
"Why don't you like her? She's far more interesting than me."
"Hindi uubra ang pagtulak mo sa'kin sa ibang babae, Iris. I'll only date someone else when you totally let go of me. Pero ramdam kong hindi mo pa 'ko binibitawan kaya kumakapit pa ako."
I looked down. "I am letting you go. I told you to forget about me."
"I can wait, Iris. Kaya kong maghintay kahit ilang taon pa 'yan."
"Damian, I will not leave Dash. Masasayang lang ang oras mo kakahintay sa akin."
Hindi na naman siya umimik. I think what I said upset him. Tumingin na ako sa labas at hindi na rin nagsalita pa. I don't want to completely ruin his night. Masyado ko na siyang nasasaktan sa mga sinasabi ko.
This may be the last time I'll be alone with him. I might as well just enjoy this moment with silence.
"He's here." Nilingon ko siya nang bigla siyang magsalita. Tatanungin ko pa lang sana siya kung sino ang tinutukoy niya nang mapansin ko ang kotse ni Dashiell sa gilid. Nawala ng tuluyan ang kalasingan ko. My eyes immediately wandered around.
Pagkatigil na pagkatigil ng sasakyan ay bumaba agad ako at hinanap si Dash. I saw him at the hood of his car. Nakaupo siya doon at nakatingin sa akin. Namumula pa ang mga pisngi niya dahil na rin siguro sa nakainom siya.
"Dash..." I can't believe it. He finally showed up. After days of not talking to me, he's here.
Tumayo siya at tiningnan ang kotseng binabaan ko. Kumunot agad ang noo niya ngunit hindi siya nagsalita.
"Bakit ka nag-drive? Lasing ka ah," worried na tanong ko.
Hindi siya sumagot kaya naman kinabahan na ako. I glanced behind me and saw Damian staring back at his brother.
I could feel the tension between them. I need to do something. I need to distract Dash.
"Have you read my message? Nagpa-party si Ms. A para sa aming mga interns kaya ngayon lang ako nakauwi."
Dash met my eyes again. Ang tagal niyang nakatingin lang bago siya nagsalita.
"Talaga bang sa dami ng mga tao doon, siya pa dapat ang maghatid sa'yo dito?"
There's accusation on his voice and I can't blame him for that.
"Hilong hilo na kasi ako kanina, hindi ko na matawagan ang driver ko. Sorry." I walked towards him and held his hand. "Ikaw, bakit naparito ka? Gabi na."
"Am I not allowed to see you now?"
"Of course not. You're always welcome here. Sana lang nag-text ka para umalis agad ako doon sa party. How long have you been waiting?"
"Kakarating ko lang din dito." Tumingin ulit siya sa likuran ko saglit. "Can we talk somewhere else? Somewhere private? Naiirita akong may nagbabantay pa sa'yo."
Bakit hindi pa umaalis si Damian? He knew his presence here would only cause him trouble.
"Doon tayo sa loob," I offered. Tumango lang siya at hinayaan na akong hilahin ang kamay niya.
Before entering my house, I caught him glaring at Damian again. Nakakalungkot na kung dati rati ay sobrang close sila, ngayon halos isumpa niya na ang Kuya niya. I hope I can still change that. Sana maibalik ko pa rin sila sa dati.
"Should we go upstairs? Or do you want to talk outside? Sa garden?" I asked when we're finally inside.
"Anywhere would do."
"Sige, sa labas na lang tayo. Baka gising pa si Ate, marinig niya tayo. Mauna ka na doon, I'll bring you something to drink. Do you want coffee?"
"Sure." Tumalikod na siya at naglakad papunta sa back door. I stared at him before I sighed and went to the kitchen.
Habang nagpapainit ng tubig ay hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko sa pag-ngiti.
I'm so happy Dashiell's here. Ready na siyang makipagusap at makasama ulit ako. I knew it. I just have to give him some time.
*buzz*
I got distracted when my phone vibrated. Agad kong tiningnan kung sino ang nag-text.
From: Damian
11:16 pm
Everything okay? Nagaalala ako na baka magaway ulit kayo.
I'm still here, outside.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at agad akong lumabas ng bahay. Napailing ako nang makita ko ang kotse niya. I immediately walked towards the side of his car.
"Go home, Damian."
"Is he angry at you?"
"You can't do this. Mas lalo lang magdududa sa'tin si Dash. Please, umuwi ka na."
"I'm just scared he might hurt you---"
"Just stop it already! Tama na!" sigaw ko. "You shouldn't be worrying about me! You shouldn't be waiting here! Leave, Damian! Sinabi ko na sa'yo, kalimutan mo na 'ko!"
And with that, I walked away and went back to the kitchen. Kumuha ako ng malamig na tubig at uminom diretso mula sa pitsel. I needed to calm myself because I'm in the brink of breaking down.
I don't want to hurt Damian but I must do it. And that freaking sucks.
Hindi ko alam kung anong kasalanan ang nagawa ko noon para mapunta sa ganitong sitwasyon.
Nang mawala na ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko ay ginawa ko na ang kape namin ni Dash pagkatapos ay pinuntahan ko na siya. I placed it on the table and sat beside him.
"What took you so long?" tanong niya.
"I couldn't find where the coffee was," I almost whispered.
Another lie.
Uminom lang siya at hindi umimik.
"I'm glad you're here," pagbabago ko ng topic.
Bumalik ang kaba ko nang tinitigan lang ako ni Dash. Nakasandal lang siya sa upuan niya habang nakatingin sa akin.
"Iris, I'm ready."
I blinked a couple of times. "For what?"
"I'm ready to hear your reasons. I'm willing to listen but you have to promise me you'll be honest with me otherwise, we can't do this anymore."
"I'll tell you everything. I promise."
Tumango siya at hinintay na ako magpaliwanag. Bigla namang umurong ang dila ko sa takot.
I don't know what may happen after our conversation and that scares me a lot.
Huminga ako ng malalim at uminom muna ng kape bago ako nagsimulang magkwento. I was struggling at first. Nauutal ako at hindi ako makatingin sa mga mata niya pero alam kong kailangan kong sabihin lahat ng mga ito. Lahat mula nang unang pagkikita namin ni Damian hanggang sa magkalayo kami. I told Dash how I desperately tried to looked for his brother and how I ended up pretending to not know who Damian is.
All this time he was just listening. Hindi siya nagre-react.
"Tapos 'yon, kaya hinabol kita sa school nung araw na 'yon ay dahil gusto ko na talaga aminin sa'yo ang tungkol kay Damian."
He exhaled loudly before he ran a hand through his hair. "That's all?"
I skipped the part where Damian and I had sex. It's not something I can just tell him. At hindi ko alam kung dapat bang sabihin ko pa.
Tumingin ako sa mga kamay ko at nagisip mabuti. Nangako akong hindi na ako maglilihim pero...
"Yep. That's it..." Tinikom ko kaagad ang bibig ko ngunit nagsisi rin ako pagkatapos.
Another freaking lie. Nasasanay ka na magsinungaling, Iris. This isn't you anymore. Just tell him!!!
"Isang araw lang pala kayong nagkasama pero bakit ganun siya kadeterminado pagdating sa'yo? That doesn't make any sense. It's not love as he calls it, it's just infatuation. He was hung up with the idea of having you."
He will never understand me and Damian if my story's incomplete.
Just lay it out there, Iris. Let him decide if he still wants you afterwards.
"We were deeply attached to each other because at that same day, we became intimate. We were physically connected." Nilakasan ko na ang loob ko. "I stripped off all my walls and gave myself fully to Damian that day. Hindi ko gawain 'yon pero pagdating sa kanya, parang ang dali dali. I wasn't scared and I didn't doubt his intentions, not even a little bit. I just went along with what my heart is saying and surprisingly, I found myself falling deeply in love with his whole existence. Crazy to say but that one day was enough for me to want more of him. I honestly thought we were going to continue what we started. But fate broke us apart."
Hindi siya umimik kaya tiningnan ko ang mga mata niya. Kitang kita ko ang mga emosyong kinatatakutan kong maramdaman niya ulit. This confession is making him uneasy, angry and hurt.
"Kaya pala ang sabi ni Kuya nauna siya sa'yo. Now I get it. He claimed you first."
"I was never his girl. Wala kaming naging relasyon."
"He owned your heart at one point."
"Yeah but that was before you Dash," I reminded him, hoping it would take all the pain away. "All of it was before you."
"I know. That's why it sucks because all of it happened in the past. Kahit ipagsigawan niya na nauna siya sa'yo, wala akong magagawa dahil nagsasabi lang siya ng totoo." Umiwas siya ng tingin at pilit kinalma ang sarili.
"He won't say that again. I already told him to stop."
"And you think Damian will listen to you? I know my brother. Lahat gagawin niya para makuha ka niya."
"I don't care. I won't go to him."
Tinitigan niya lang ako kaya naman nanlumo ako. He doesn't believe me. He doesn't trust my words.
I held his face and kissed him. Pero hindi niya ako hinalikan pabalik.
"Are you still angry at me?" I whispered, my voice broke.
"No."
"Then why?" I didn't have to finish my sentence, I know he understood what I meant. Hindi nga siya galit pero ang layo niya pa rin sa akin. There this invisible line that's keeping us apart.
"I just can't forget the image of you sleeping with my brother."
Para akong binagsakan ng bato sa ulo.
"Stop thinking about it. I'm not thinking about you and Charmaine, and the things that you guys did when you were still together. I'm not thinking about any of your ex girlfriends. Kasi nakaraan mo na 'yon. You did those things way before you knew me." Hinawakan ko ang mga kamay niya. "Kaya please, wag mo na rin isipin ang mga nagawa ko nung hindi pa tayo nagkakakilala. Kasi Dash, kahit umiyak ako dito at lumuhod sa harapan mo, hindi naman no'n mababago ang mga nangyari na."
"I'm trying to forget but it's not easy for me, Iris. Because he's my brother. And the fact that he's trying to steal you away from me is what makes it more painful."
"Damian will stop after he realizes I'm not going anywhere but in your arms."
"I wish it's that simple."
"Tapos na 'yon. Matagal na 'yon. Kalimutan mo na 'yon, Dash."
"Ikaw ba, nakalimutan mo na lahat ng nangyari sa inyo?"
I was taken aback by his question. Hindi ko nagawang sumagot agad kaya naman sumama ang timpla ng mukha niya. He suddenly stood up and let go of my hand.
"I knew it. Iniisip mo pa rin siya. That's why you allowed him to kiss you!"
Bigla siyang nag-walk out kaya naman agad agad ko siyang hinabol. "It's not like that! Let me explain---"
"Will you just stop lying, Iris? Hindi ka ba nabuburyo sa ginagawa mo? Pinagmumukha mo na 'kong tanga!"
"I AM NOT LYING TO YOU!"
Lumapit siya sa akin kaya napahakbang ako patalikod. For the first time since I started dating him, I had never seen him so angry.
"Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me that you no longer have feelings for Damian!"
I stared at his eyes but when I tried to speak, there were no voice that came out of my throat. Unti-onti akong napaluha.
"Now what does that mean for us, huh? Sabihin mo nga sa'kin, kaya ba pilit mo pang sinusubukang ayusin ang relasyon natin ay dahil lang sa naaawa ka sa'kin? Ganon ba?" Rinig ko ang galit sa boses niya.
"No! I want to be with you because I love you!"
"I'm already your boyfriend but why do I feel like I should still fight for your heart? Bakit kahit sinasabi mo sa'king mahal mo 'ko, kailangan ko pa ring siguraduhin hindi ka maagaw ni Damian? Siguro kasi hindi buo 'yung pagmamahal mo sa'kin. Ramdam na ramdam kong may kahati ako sa'yo, Iris." Umiling siya at huminga ng malalim. "I can't be with you if I'm not the only person you love."
Naglakad na siya papunta sa kotse niya at sumakay doon ng walang lingon lingon. Hahabulin ko pa sana ulit siya pero may bigla na lang humawak ng braso ko. I glanced at my side and was shocked to see Ate Irene. Umiling siya na tila gusto niyang sabihing itigil ko na ang pagmamakaawa.
I looked at Dashiell again and cried as I watched him leave.
I thought if he heard everything from me, he'll finally understand my situation but it's obvious that things became more heavy after our talk.
Now I'm not sure if he can even forgive me.
Dashiell's POV
Tinigil ko sa gilid ng kalsada ang kotse dahil hindi ko na magawang makakita ng maayos. My eyes are flooded with tears that I've been holding for so long.
Bumaba ako ng sasakyan at huminga ng malalim.
It hurts hearing everything from Iris. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero nang malaman kong may nangyari pa pala sa kanila ni Damian, parang nabiyak ang puso ko.
I can't stop imagining them together, how my girl closes her eyes while my brother touches her, how they both connected to pleasure each other, and how she moans Damian's name when she reaches her end.
Nakakagalit! I knew it happened way before I met Iris but still, I hated it. I hated that he had her too.
"T*ngina!" sigaw ko habang pinupunasan ang mga luha sa pisngi ko.
Sumandal ako sa kotse at pinikit ang mga mata ko.
I need to sort my thoughts out. Hindi kasalanan ni Iris at ni Kuya na may nangyari sa kanila and I'm f*cked up for even feeling this way.
Kinuha ko ang phone ko mula sa bulsa ng pantalon ko upang tawagan sana si Iris at humingi ng tawad dahil alam kong nasaktan ko siya sa mga sinabi ko bago ako umalis, kaso bigla na lang nag-ring ang phone ko.
I stared at the caller's name.
This is the guy I hired to follow my brother. Alam kong hindi na siya nakasunod dito sa loob ng private subdivision nila Iris.
"What?" I answered.
"Sir, nakuhanan ko na po sila ng mga litrato."
Natigil ako sa sinabi niya. I told him that if he ever sees Damian with Iris, he should take pictures.
"Kailan 'yan?" I almost whispered.
"Kanina lang ho, sir. Sinubukan ko po kayong tawagan pero hindi niyo po sinasagot."
I exhaled loudly. This shouldn't be bad. Magkasama naman talaga sila kanina dahil nasa iisang celebration party sila.
"Okay, let's meet. I'll send you the address."
"Sige sir."
I immediately told him to meet me at the Garden Eve bar. Doon talaga ako pumupunta kapag may problema ako. Bukod sa walang masyadong tao ay wala ring mga Elites ang dumadayo doon bukod kila Kiel na minsan ay may gig doon.
Pagkarating doon ay naalala ko ang unang pagsasama namin ni Iris dito. I was still heartbroken with Charmaine back then but she already caught my eye. There's really something in her that made me stare.
Umupo ako sa table at pagkatapos ng ilang minuto ay dumating na rin ang private investigator na kausap ko. I looked around and saw a few people drinking. Mga lasing na lasing na sila kaya panatag ang loob kong walang papansin sa akin. Ayoko lang may makakita na ginagawa ko ito.
"Sir, ito ho." Inilabas niya ang camera niya at inilahad sa akin iyon.
Bigla akong kinabahan ngunit buo ang loob kong makita kung ano man ang mga nakuha niyang litrato. Mula sa loob ng resto bar hanggang sa pagsakay ni Iris sa kotse ni Kuya ay nakuhanan niya. Habang pinipindot ko ang next button, mas lalong bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko.
At one moment, I stopped to stare at my girlfriend. Iba talaga ang tingin niya kay Damian. There's meaning behind each looks.
My heart ached but I still continued. Hanggang sa hindi ko na kinaya. I had to look away to breathe.
"Send those on my email and make sure this won't get out."
"You have my word, sir. Policy po namin na i-delete ang mga ito pagkatapos namin i-send sa client."
"Good." Inabutan ko siya ng envelope na puno ng cash at kinamayan siya. "Thank you. This will be the end of our agreement. You can now leave my brother alone."
"Okay sir. Tawagan mo lang po ako pag may gusto ka pang pasundan."
Tumayo na ako at lumabas ng bar. Imbis dumiretso sa kotse ay sumandal ako sa gilid at tumingin sa langit.
I was right. Iris is still in love with my brother. I don't know how a day in Paris made her fall for Damian but I'm not just going to stand by and accept it. Hindi ko kayang tanggaping na may mahal pa siyang iba.
It's like a slap in the face to have my girlfriend have feelings for someone else.
Akala ko masakit na ang ginawa sa'kin ni Charmaine. Akala ko malala na 'yung iniwan niya ako dahil sa kagustuhan ng tatay niya. Pero mas matindi pa pala ang sumunod sa kanya. Mas grabe 'yung pinaparamdam ni Iris sa akin ngayon.
She gave me the pain I thought I'll never feel.
She wounded me more than she loved me.
*End of Chapter 44*