What have I done?
It's the first thought that pops into my head the morning after Jamie and I had gone on the date.
The date where Jamie and I had kissed.
And, it had ended really well. Jamie was smiling in a rather triumphant way the rest of the evening, which made me think that he had full intention of stealing a kiss the whole time. What that meant was that he really did want to be with me. We had watched the rest of the sunset go down until it was almost dark, and then made our way home, Jamie's hand in mine the whole time. No words had really been said regarding whether he and I were properly in a relationship though, although, you'd assume we were. But still, that one point that we hadn't discussed it? It bothered me...
Yes, the date had gone really well, and for the rest of the night I was full of a happy bubbly-ness, a sense of euphoria likened to adrenalin. But now, lying in my bed at 8 in the morning, it hit me that yeah, I'd kissed someone, not a huge thing, but what I'd said - that was a biggie. I'd told him I trusted him, and it was true, or at least I think it is. But often, saying what you think is different from acting what you think.
And thus, today ended with me in bed again, but with tear streaked eyes, and a heavy heart.
Jamie had managed to find some work while staying in Perth. His agency had contacted him about a small production taking place, and he had auditioned on the notion that he needed more things to do on his break from London, and all the serious work that went with it. He made it into the production, and I'd changed my shifts at the hospital to day ones, so now our schedules were more similar. Occasionally in the mornings Jamie would pop into my flat for a coffee before we headed our separate ways, and then in the evenings, he'd come back and watch a movie or we'd cook dinner together. We basically lived in each other's flats now. A portion of my belongings were in his, and vice versa. My eyes glanced up from my book to look at Jamie's leather jacket draped over the armchair opposite mine. It was 8:30 am, and I was sipping my coffee while waiting until it was time to go to work.
A soft knock sounds from my door, followed by the click of keys turning in the lock. A second later, Jamie's head pops out from the kitchen.
"Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!" he declares.
I stare at him. "Did you just-" I paused, a grin creeping on my face. "Did you just quote Willy Wonka from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?"
Jamie walked over and plonked himself onto the arm chair, taking his leather jacket into his lap. "Indeed I did."
"I guess a quote from Johnny Depp is a good way to start the day."
Jamie started. "Oh, do I need to watch my back? Are you crushing on him?"
I cross my arms. "Yes, and he's totally going to steal me away, you know, how he totally lives in Perth and all."
Jamie crosses his arms too, with a mock-suspicious look on his face. "He is indeed a threat, I'll have to think about what to do with him to get him out of my way."
"Maybe you could suffocate him with a plastic bag."
"Me? The theatre kid that everyone thought was gay in high school? No, I have more class then that - I'll hit him over the head with my guitar."
At this we both laugh. Jamie gets up (rather gracefully for a giraffe) and kisses my forehead. "I don't have time for murder plans today, I have a full rehearsal. I'll see you tonight, though. Try to not have too much fun without me at the hospital."
I smile. "I'll try."
"I know it's tough."
"Goodbye, Jamie."
"Later babe."
I look up at him, confused.
Jamie just winks and walks out the door. A flirtatious Giraffe at that, I think to myself as I get up and put my mug away and grab my keys, locking the door behind me.
I was busy organising pill boxes for the oncology ward when my phone buzzed. I slipped it out of my pocket.
1 message from Jamie
" My darling starshine. Speaking of Charlie and the chocolate factory, shall we watch it as our movie tonight?"
I grin to myself and unlock my phone, texting him back.
"Great idea"
Later, after I'd finished my shift, Jamie came over, rental DVD of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in hand.
"Hey babe."
"Babe?"
"You don't like it? Shall I try something else? A different pet name? Sugar puff? Sweet cupcake? Biscuit? My queen?"
"Queen sounds good."
Jamie gets down on his knees, DVD falling to the floor. Here we go.
"MY DARLING QUEEN," He cries. "MY ETHEREAL GODDESS, OH HOLY AND KIND ONE, I ADORE THOU MAJESTY-"
"Jamie sto-"
Jamie continues crying hysterically. "I MUST OBEY YOUR EVERY ORDER, UNLESS I WISH DEATH THYSELF-"
"I command you to stop your shouting!"
Jamie silences, standing up, and gives a swift bow. "Your wish, my command."
"I'm beginning to feel "babe" isn't that bad of a pet name anymore."
Jamie walks up behind me, hand curving around my back to my waist, where I stood at the kitchen sink. "Sounds good to me."
I step sideways, out of his arms, subconsciously. Jamie doesn't seem to notice. "You haven't quite gotten out of drama mode, have you?"
Jamie thinks. "Quite possibly. But hey, nothing like some cooking to get out of the mood. What are we making?"
I smile sheepishly. "Actually, I don't feel like cooking, how does two minute noodles sound to you?"
"As good as any royal feast."
I smack his arm playfully. "Good."
After eating the noodles and recounting each other's days, Jamie and I settled on my couch, TV playing the opening to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Everything was fine, I was snuggled up with Jamie behind me under a blanket, when slowly but surely, I began to feel claustrophobic. The weird twisting feeling I got in my stomach when I was having a panic attack started brewing.
Oh god, please, not now. I was doing so well...
I tried to ignore the feeling at first, but soon, about halfway through the movie, Jamie ducked his head down to kiss the back of my neck. Before even I knew what I was doing, I had scrambled away from Jamie and was standing up in front of the couch, gasping, a rather shocked Jamie still lying on the couch.
Slowly, very slowly, Jamie reached for the remote and paused the movie. Now, the only sound was my breathing, and the creaking of the couch as Jamie pulled himself into sitting position, staring at me. He wore a different expression now, almost a grim expression, disappointment and frustration mixed into his features.
"I-I'm sorry," I stuttered.
Jamie sighed. "I don't know how we're going to do this."
My heart clenched. "Do what?"
Jamie gestured at himself and me. "This, this whole relationship thing. I can't deal with-" He started again, licking his lips. "Heidi, if every time I try to be close with you, just kiss you, you dart away from me like a startled fox, how are we going to be together? I can't do this. You just switch on and off like a light switch all the time. It's like, I think I've made it with you, earned your trust and such and then I realise I can never have it. It's like chasing rainbows."
I stare at him, lips parted, eyes beginning to water. "I'm sor-"
"Don't be"
I blink, and see that Jamie is standing, blue eyes hard but full of sadness all at the same time. I'm reminded of just how tall he is as he looks down at me. "I know you can't help it," he continues, "but I just can't deal with being spun around and rejected like that. It hurts," his voice broke on the last word.
I feel like I'm watching this whole thing from a distance now, unbelieving that I'd upset Jamie so much, that this had been something on his mind. My heart clenched again with guilt. I ask the question I myself had been mulling over this morning. "So then, what are we?" I'm afraid to hear the answer.
"I don't know," Jamie says in a hushed tone, his voice had become husky, as if he was holding something back. I look into his eyes, and, unless I was imagining it, I swear I see tears forming. It's enough to make my already formed ones drop onto my cheeks. "I don't know what we are, I can't-" Jamie brushed his hand through his hair. "I can't think right now." His voice is rough.
Suddenly, he starts and stalks out of the room, and I hear the door to my flat clicking shut. I know he won't come back. My tears flow freely, dropping to the floor, as I stand silently. Shocked.
Numbly, I turn the TV off and walk to my bedroom, stripping off my clothes and bra, pulling a singlet on, and curling up in bed, tears still silently streaming down my face, being soaked up by the pillow. Cold silence surrounds me.
What have I done?
*****
*thunder noise* MWAHAHAHAHA
Anyone catch the tiny TMI reference? If you noticed, you win my respect. (Hint: It was in the pet names.)
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