Chapter 8
Bago pa ako makarating sa kanto ay nakasalubong ko na si Paolo. May bitbit siyang dalawang paper cups ng city blends coffee at nahalata ko sa mukha niya ang gulat nang makita ako.
"Bakit . . ." he trailed off, his eyes squinting. "May bibilhin ka?"
I took a few deep breaths to get my heartbeat back its normal pace. Inayos ko ang buhok ko na dumikit sa nagbubutil kong pawis sa noo bago pilit na tumawa.
"Naiinitan kasi ako. Magpapalamig muna sana ako," pagdadahilan ko.
He smiled. "Okay, samahan na kita."
Marahan akong tumango. Iniabot niya sa akin ang isang paper cup at nagpasalamat naman ako sa kanya. Sinabayan niya ako sa paglalakad at nang marating namin ang convenience store ay bumili na rin ako ng candies at naupo sa isa sa benches. Kung tutuusin, puwedeng magpasundo na ako kay Mill para umuwi. Kaya lang, nakakahiya naman kay Maricar kung aalis ako nang walang paalam. Isa pa, nasa club pa rin ang gamit ko.
"Sorry sa awkwardness, ha?" kuha ni Paolo sa atensyon ko.
He was sitting next to me, but our bodies were facing in different directions; I was looking out the window, while he was oriented toward the store. Hindi ko nakikita ang ekspresyon niya dahil magkatalikuran kami.
"Ayos lang. Hindi naman tayo personal na magkakilala." The warmth of the coffee slowly soothed my heart. "It's normal."
I heard him exhale. "It's my fault. Kaya . . . inaasar tayo."
Tumango ako bago sumimsim sa kape ko, bahagyang natatakot sa patutunguhan ng usapan.
The candies were all over the table, and the soft music in the store got me wondering if I could spend more time with him here. I didn't want to mislead him in any way. Baka kapag nagtagal kami rito ay isipin niyang gusto ko siyang masolo. Kaso, kapag naman bumalik kami agad sa club, haharapin ko naman si Leon.
"'Yong sinasabi nilang may gusto ako sa 'yo . . ."
Napapikit ako sa narinig. No, please. We just had our first encounter a few hours ago. Don't go there.
"I know," I said before he could utter another word. "I mean, come on! We don't know each other at all. There's no chance in hell that you will like me."
Natahimik siya sandali bago dahan-dahang pumihit paharap sa akin. I could feel him doing that, but I didn't turn around to look at him.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
I sat there and watched as the vehicles went by, and as the night progressed, I became more and more convinced that I shouldn't even begin to entertain the idea of becoming involved with other people just yet because I was sure that I was still emotionally invested in someone.
Ano bang iniisip ko at pumasok sa utak kong mag-entertain ng iba? Am I that desperate to get rid of my feelings for Leon?
"Wala naman . . ." nasabi ko na lang.
"Bakit?" mahinang tanong niya. "Bawal ka bang magustuhan?"
I breathed deeply. I don't like having serious conversations while I'm under the influence of alcohol. Baka kasi may masabi akong hindi maganda. Hindi pa nakatulong na ginulo na naman ni Leon ang utak ko.
His expression bothered me. I hate how jealous he looked when he asked me if I would entertain Paolo. It was as though he was convincing me not to. Alam kong imposible namang magselos siya dahil harap-harapan niya nang sinabing hindi niya ako gusto. Hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan kung bakit ganoon ang nababasa ko sa mga kilos niya.
"Gusto ko lang munang mag-aral ngayon," sagot ko. "Relationships might hinder me from achieving more."
Sumandal siya sa mesa. "Puwede rin namang maging inspirasyon 'yon kapag na-manage nang tama, Amari."
"Manage?" I laughed. "I don't trust myself in that aspect."
"Can you . . . explain?"
Umiling lang ako dahil masyadong hahaba ang usapan.
I mean, how could I be in a relationship if I couldn't even handle my own emotions?
Sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, ramdam ko ang pagbabago sa ugali at pananaw ko. I could feel myself getting worse because of too much pressure being placed on my back.
Noon ay ayos lang sa akin ang malamangan, pero ngayon, naiinis ako kapag may mas magaling kaysa sa akin. Noon ay ayos lang sa akin kapag nagkakamali ako, pero ngayon, halos parusahan ko ang sarili dahil hindi ko kayang maging perpekto.
Noon ayos lang sa akin kapag hindi ako gusto ng isang tao, pero ngayon, madalas ko nang silipin ang mga pagkukulang ko.
I am toxic. My thoughts are. I'm a pessimist trying to act like an optimist, which makes me a hypocrite even in my own body.
"Relationships could either serve as an inspiration or destruction, Mari. I didn't think you were the type of person to see it as the latter," Paolo said.
Sasagutin ko na sana siya nang makita ko sina Shaira, Thaddeus, at Leon na naglalakad palapit sa store. I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Bitbit ni Shaira ang bag ko at nakanguso siya sa akin na para bang malaki ang atraso ko sa kanya.
"Sabi sa inyo kasama niya si Paolo, eh!" reklamo nito nang tuluyang makapasok sa store.
Napatayo si Paolo nang makita ang tatlo. Thaddeus was standing next to Shaira with a smug grin on his face, and Leon, as usual, didn't show any emotions at all.
"Hindi naman ako ang nagpumilit na sumunod, ah?" natatawang sabi ni Thaddeus.
"Bakit?" takang tanong ni Paolo.
Tumayo na rin ako at kinuha ang mga candy sa mesa. I opened one and popped it in my mouth to take my mind off of things.
Just now, out of nowhere, I realized that what Leon did might have been good for both of us.
Kung sinabi niyang gusto niya ako at alam ko sa sarili kong gusto ko rin siya . . . saan kami pupulutin? I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I had a lot of shortcomings, and my partner didn't deserve to be the collateral damage of my toxicity.
Hindi ko dapat minamadali ang lahat. Hindi dapat ako pinapangunahan ng emosyon ko.
Mind over matter, Amari. Mind over matter.
I fixed myself and put on my favorite façade — a smile. My gaze was drawn instantly to Leon, and the mere sight of him was enough to get my heart racing all over again.
"Ang sabi kasi nitong si Leon ay mag-isa raw pumunta si Mari dito!" Shaira pouted before facing Leon. "Tingnan mo! Naabala pa natin ang date nila."
Malakas ang pagtawang ginawa ni Thaddeus, which I found weird. Pabirong umirap ako at naglakad palapit sa kanila.
"Para namang mamamatay ako kung sakali ngang mag-isa ako," saad ko sabay kuha sa bag ko. "At please, magkasama lang kami. Hindi magka-date."
"Ganon na rin 'yon!"
I grunted. "Whatever, Shaira."
"Kainis si Leon, eh! Ang sarap sarap pa ng inom ko," she complained.
To get everything I was feeling about Leon out of my head, I glared at him, well aware that he was going to spoil my night. Sinabi ko sa kanyang kasama ko si Paolo! Ano'ng trip niya at sumama pa siya rito? Hindi ba siya nauumay sa mukha ko?!
"Pasensya na sa abala. Natagalan ba kami masyado?" nahihiyang tanong ni Paolo. "Nagpapahulas na rin kasi ako. Saka . . . medyo nagkukuwentuhan kami ni Mari."
"Nako, hindi! May pagka-OA lang talaga 'tong kaibigan ko minsan," singit ni Thaddeus bago umakbay kay Leon.
The latter yanked his friend's arm away from his shoulder, irritated. "Stop blaming me. You're both so wasted that you're imagining things."
Muling tumawa si Thaddeus. Ngayong magkatabi sila ay napansin kong halos magkasingtangkad lang sila. Mas maputi lang talaga siya nang kaunti kay Leon. His aura was also different. He radiated an air of humor, making him appear to be the opposite of the beast in glasses.
"Bakit, p're? Ano bang nangyari?" he asked, his smile widening.
Leon poked his tongue into the inside of his cheeks as he looked down at my neck. Kumunot ang noo niya bago iritableng tinapunan ng tingin si Paolo.
"Maricar told me to buy more alcohol, and you came with me," he answered, almost gritting his teeth.
I grimaced. That makes a lot more sense. Oo nga naman. Bakit ko ba iniisip na kaya siya sumunod ay dahil totoong nag-aalala siya? Tanga rin talaga ako minsan.
Nakuha ni Shaira ang atensyon ko nang ikinaway niya ang dalawang kamay. "Hindi kaya! Ang sabi mo ay mag-isang umalis si Mari kaya pinilit mong isama si Thaddeus para sundan siya!"
"Why would I do that?" tanong niya sa babae.
"Malay ko sa 'yo!"
Nagkatinginan kami ni Paolo. These people were fighting over the pettiest things. Mas posible naman talaga ang sinabi ni Leon dahil alam naman niyang may kasama ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang ipinipilit ni Shaira. Hindi na ako magugulat kung bukas ay aasarin niya na naman ako sa lalaki at sasabihing tama siya.
I heaved a deep sigh. "Sige na. I'll text my friend to come get me. Gawin n'yo na ang kailangan n'yong gawin." I then turned my head to look at Leon who was already watching me. "Bilhin mo na 'yong pinapabili ni Maricar."
Napakurap siya sa biglang pagtatama ng mga mata namin bago dahan-dahang umiling. "Hindi ka na babalik do'n?"
"Hindi na. Ipagpaalam n'yo na lang ako." I refocused my attention on Paolo and gave him a friendly pat on the back. "Salamat sa coffee."
Napangiti siya. "Wala 'yon. Salamat sa pakikipagkuwentuhan."
"Mendoza, I'm talking to you."
Agad na napawi ang ngiti ko nang marinig ang pag-iinarte ni Leon. Pairap akong tumingin sa kanya bago pinagkrus ang braso sa dibdib ko.
"Sinabi ko na, ah? Ipagpaalam n'yo na nga lang ako. Epal mo."
His stern expression toned down a little as he spun around and walked into the liquor section of the store. Napailing na lang ako sa asal niya. I really don't understand why I like him. Hindi naman maganda ang ugali niya.
"Hindi ka na talaga sasama sa 'min?" tanong ni Shaira.
"I want to sleep. Maaga pa ang trabaho ko bukas."
"Leon, paano? Dito ka na rin ba?" may kalakasang tanong ni Thaddeus sa kaibigan.
Hindi ko na sila pinansin. I just told Shaira to make sure that Zoey got home safely. Si Paolo naman, dahil walang ka-close sa mga bagong dating ay tahimik lang na nakatayo sa tabi ko. We waited until Leon got to the counter to pay for the liquor.
"Paolo, sumama ka na rin sa 'min pabalik," biglang sabi ni Thaddeus.
"Huh? Hindi na," sagot naman ni Paolo. "Hihintayin kong dumating 'yong hinihintay ni Mari."
Isang beses na lumingon si Thaddeus kay Leon bago muling hinarap si Paolo. He was acting in a really strange way. Para bang may binabalak siyang masama.
"Hinahanap ka ng mga . . . kaibigan mo." Tumango-tango pa ito. "Kanina pa."
"Really?" takang tanong ni Shaira na nginitian lang niya.
Paolo sighed exasperatedly. "Bakit daw?"
He just kind of shrugged. "Baka kailangan ka. I'm not sure."
Huminga ako nang malalim bago tumingin kay Paolo. "Sumama ka na pabalik. Don't mind me."
He hesitated a bit. "Hindi safe, eh."
That made me chuckle. "Ang liwa-liwanag dito. At saka, malapit lang 'yong apartment namin. My friend will get here in no time."
He shifted his weight. "I'm sure my friends won't mind if I don't show up right away."
"Hindi na. I've been taking too much of your time, and I will do just fine, Paolo," I said while shaking my head. "Salamat sa concern."
"Sigurado ka ba?" he asked, still unsure.
"Yes. A hundred percent certain."
Lumapit sa amin si Leon bitbit ang plastic bag ng alak. He looked annoyed again. Magkasalubong ang makapal na mga kilay at mahigpit ang pagkakahawak sa plastic.
Paolo sighed. "Message me once you get home."
"Huh?" Text text na ba kami agad?!
"I . . . added you on Facebook. Kung gusto mo lang mag-chat."
"Ah!" I chuckled awkwardly. "Sure!"
Wala naman na silang ibang sinabi. Nagpaalam lang ako kay Shaira, at nang tuluyan silang makaalis ay nakahinga ako nang maluwag. I hope Leon stop making me feel things. Nakakainis na. It should have been a short-lived crush, but the way it went on for too long was already wrong.
Dahil wala naman akong ibang binili kung hindi candies ay nahiya na akong tumambay pa sa loob ng store. I could've bought more items, but I didn't want to waste my money. Maliwanag pa rin naman sa labas at kung tutuusin ay kaya ko nang umuwi kahit mag-isa ako kaya lang ay sinabi naman ni Mill na susunduin niya ako.
From: Mill
Wait lang. Tapusin ko lang nang mabilis 'tong report ko. Punta agad ako d'yan.
I smiled. If she wasn't here in thirty minutes, I should take a jeepney to go home by myself.
Naupo ako sa waiting shed kung saan tumitigil ang mga jeep at naghintay na lang ng oras. I gazed at my feet, swaying them a little, and was brought back to my thoughts earlier. Kahit pala medyo nasaktan ako sa sinabi ni Leon na hindi niya ako gusto, alam kong wala rin namang mangyayari kung kabaligtaran ang sinabi niya.
I was still so broken. Nalimutan ko yatang sinabi mismo sa akin ni Jin noon na nakakapagod ako. I shouldn't want to put myself through all of that crap again. I shouldn't want to spend time with another person because I might wear them out.
Kung totoong gusto ko si Leon, hindi ba dapat ay maging masaya ako na nakahanap siya ng babae para sa kanya? Tama si Maricar. Hindi sila magtatagal ni Psyche kung hindi seryoso ang lalaki rito. He was an introvert, yet he showed everyone how much he loved her.
That should mean something, right?
Sigurado akong kung ako ang nagustuhan niya, masasaktan ko lang siya. Hindi ko siya maalagaan. Hindi ko siya maipagmamalaki. I would constantly feel like he was taking away my spot and that I would never get so close to his skills. Magiging lalong masakit sa akin kapag nakita kong nalalamangan niya ako.
I closed my eyes and envisioned him with Psyche. Inspiration and destruction . . . I was sure as hell I'd be the latter for him. Hindi ko siya puwedeng gustuhin habang iniisip na sana ay bumagsak siya at mas lalong hindi ko puwedeng sabihing totoo ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya kung lagi kong hinihintay na magkamali siya.
When I opened my eyes, I felt like I saw things for what they were. There were only two things I could do: either keep feeding my feelings or keep treating him like a rival.
"Why on earth did you leave the store?!" the man dominating my mind came out of nowhere, panting heavily while carrying his backpack.
I didn't know why his appearance didn't surprise me anymore. Napatitig lang ako sa guwapong mukha niya na kahit na nagbubutil ang pawis sa noo ay parang napakabango pa ring tingnan . . . the kind I could never have. Nakakapanghinayang kasi minsan lang ako may magustuhan . . . kaya lang sanay naman akong hindi nakukuha ang gusto ko kaya ano'ng bago?
"Ba't ka naninigaw?" I asked calmly.
He exhaled loudly and turned his head away in disbelief. "You have no idea how dangerous the streets can be. What have you been thinking?" He sounded like he was talking to himself. "Sabi sa store siya maghihintay . . . kaya nga hindi na ako nagpaiwan," dagdag pa niya.
My heart fluttered. Ang sabi ko ay inilibing ko na ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, pero ang totoo, itinago ko lang 'yon para walang makakita . . . para walang ibang makaalam.
Now, before it blossoms into something deeper, I should cut its roots and pull it out of my heart.
"Where's your friend?" mas kalmado nang tanong niya matapos ang mahabang katahimikan.
I shrugged, calming my heart a little. "Pupunta 'yon kapag kaya niya na."
"Si . . . Mill? 'Yong sinabi mo dati?"
Tumango lang ako. Naramdaman ko ang pag-upo niya sa kabilang dulo ng shed. Kakaunti lang ang mga sasakyang dumadaan dahil madaling araw na rin. Ten more minutes and I'd go home by myself. Ayokong mangulit kay Mill. Baka mamaya ay marami pa siyang ginagawa.
Natahimik kami parehas . . . and I found it ironic how being with him in total silence made me feel like the whole world belonged to me. It was a genuine feeling, but sadly, I made the wrong choice of who to share it with.
"I'm sorry for shouting," bulong niya.
I chuckled jokingly. "You lost your cool for a minute."
"Hindi ka pa rin dapat umalis sa store . . ." suway niya.
Lalo akong natawa. Hindi pa pala siya tapos. I let the silence settle in only to realize that my treatment of him had always been illogical. Para bang sinisisi ko siya dahil hindi niya ako gusto at lagi akong galit dahil mas magaling siya.
Amari, really . . . what have you been doing?
Things tend to work out the way that they are intended to, and that is the reality that I shall live in. Hindi kailanman mabubura ng pagtawa at pagkukunwari ang nararamdaman ko.
If I want to move forward, I need to put it all behind me . . . completely behind me.
After some more moments of contemplation, I stood up and saw a jeepney heading in our direction.
Nakatalikod ako sa kanya dahil nakaupo pa rin siya sa dulo ng shed, pero ramdam ko ang nanunusok na tingin niya. I gave him a glance, and after what seemed like an eternity, I mustered up the courage to flash him a smile.
I didn't know what was up with this night, but at long last, I could finally feel my heart slowly accepting the fact that my short chapter in our shared story had come to an end.
"Congratulations on your new relationship," I said under my breath, my heart tightening in pain.
I saw him tighten his jaw and ball up his fist . . . para bang may sinabi akong nakakagalit.
"I know it's late, but I just feel like I have to." I chuckled. "Naging close naman tayo kahit papaano, 'di ba? Just take this as a congratulations from a . . . friend." Mabuti na lang talaga at hindi nabasag ang boses ko kahit na ramdam ko ang pagsikdo ng sakit sa dibdib ko. "Or classmate!" pahabol ko pa.
"Don't say that . . ." he said weakly.
Pabiro akong ngumisi sa kanya. "Ay, bawal ka na ring i-congratulate? Ibang level ka na pala?"
He shook his head, his eyes blazing with pain. "No, please . . . I don't want you to say that."
Lumabi ako. "Che! Ang suwerte mo nga, eh! Ang ganda na no'n, ha?" hindi nagpapapigil na sabi ko pa. "Grabe kayo mag-PDA sa school tapos bawal kayong purihin? Corny mo naman."
Your eyes are fooling you again, Amari. Imposibleng masaktan siya dahil lang dito. You don't have that much power over him.
Nagbuntong-hininga ako dahil hindi niya man lang pinatulan ang pangungulit ko. This was the closure my heart wanted. I need to be genuinely happy for him . . . kahit ang kapalit noon ay ang tuluyan kong pagkalimot sa napakaunting bagay na itinanim niya sa akin.
"You're good at taking care of people, Zamora. Don't fail your girlfriend."
I heard him whisper something, but I couldn't make out what it was because I was already facing the jeepney that was fast approaching.
"And I'm sorry, but I can't congratulate you for being the top psychology student in our batch," I muttered bravely. "Hold on to it with all your strength, because I'm coming to get it."
Nang tumigil ang jeep sa tapat ko ay huminga ako nang malalim. "Please, 'wag kang sumabay, okay? Maghintay ka ng sarili mong jeep kasi sawa na akong makita 'yang mukha mo."
I was all set to hop aboard the jeep when I suddenly felt his hand on my elbow. Gulat akong napatingin sa kanya kasabay ng pagdaloy ng kakaibang sensasyon sa ugat ko dahil sa pagtatama ng mga balat namin. What was I thinking that I didn't realize he was already behind me?
"Ano . . ." hindi ko matuloy ang pagbulyaw sa kanya dahil para akong nalulunod sa malamlam na mga mata niya.
"Mas gusto kong galit ka," he said gently.
I tried to pull my lips apart to hold a smile. "H-Huh? Napapaano ka?"
Hinigit niya ako palapit sa kanya at itinakip ang buhok ko sa leeg at dibdib ko. The simple act was enough to send me to frenzy.
"Just stay mad for a little while, hmm?"
I gasped sharply as my heart ran wild. "Ano ba—"
He shook his head, shutting me off completely. "Keep glaring at me, keep murdering me in your head, keep wishing the worst for me."
I stiffened when his thumb brushed the right side of my cheek, gazing at me as if the night sky was reflected in his eyes. "Hold on tightly. I'm coming to get something, too."