LAPAATA: Lost
I walked into Aarush room to freshen up as I couldn't spend a minute alone with Yash. I wasn't sure what was happening? But the equation between us was surely changing. I couldn't place was it for better or worse? I had confessed that I wanted to give our relationship a chance, but at the same time I was unsure about my emotions. Whether I wanted to give it a chance or didn't?
At that moment, at that instance. The overwhelming memories of Rishi, the undeniable pain experienced by my heart. Needed an excuse so I used him. I fucking used Yash. He was so correct when he voiced those words outside the mansion. I was infuriated, upset and furious by his statement as he was giving up on us, but there wasn't anything between us to be given up for.
He was just a piece of source I looked upon to provide me with relief from my grief. I had used him at each point in time and was constantly abusing his feeling. I needed some space from him. I needed to gain myself together. I couldn't opt to provide him with new hope, only to crush it into pieces. I wasn't going to let the emerging crush to further destroy him into pieces.
So, I opted not to descend downstairs from Aarush room. I could hear chores happening in the living area. They were preparing for departure. I was aware I won't be able to glance at Yash for a month but I opted to keep hidden in the room. Excusing myself for preparing Aarush for school. Minutes later the living area went silent and I decided to walk downstairs with Aarush. Convincing him about Yash disappearance was going to be a tough job so I decided to inform him after school or he would show tantrum to attend it.
After dropping Aarush to school I had off time, decided to meet Ishika. I had much to unbottle myself and none was a better companion than her. As I entered the familiar café, the odour of coffee was offered to me with numerous flavours of desert.
My eyes roamed on the beautiful interior. Ishika had taken effort to provide it a homey vibe, placing some pictures of her family in a far corner along with some frequent customers. The glorious fact about the café was their customer service. Ishika treated her customer as a part of her family. Never growing impatience with the demanding attitude or rude command.
My eyes soon met the owner that had fitted herself with a beautiful pair of floral gown as she offered a beautiful smile at her enthusiastic customer. I smiled at her exchange with a five-year kid and soon walking towards the counter.
"Good morning... busy girl," I commented grabbing her attention from her notebook. The place where she entered the orders.
"Hey," she seemed taken aback as her black orbs danced in amazement. "Visit before Sunday, are things alright?" Suddenly concern lapping her beautiful fair spirit as she stared at me a minute longer. As if she was certain even if I attempt to hide her, she would read it from my face.
"Seems like our Sunday plays are going to be disturbed. If you don't mind Aarush frequent demand on tasting each desert for an hour on weekend." She chuckled listening to my remark.
"I adore that kid so don't you even think, he is a burden." She muttered walking towards the kitchen as she handed the piece of paper to the cook. It wasn't a large area but rather small. Containing total number of four tables and a counter at the corner on the right. A small widow adjoining it to the kitchen from where the orders were handed to her.
"But why sudden change in plan? Is Yash getting busier?" She inquired glancing at her café if anyone was in need of her assistance.
"Hmm... He is on a business trip for a month." And suddenly her orbs glanced at me in suspiciousness. A minute longer as I wasn't providing her with any justification as she had anticipated. "What had you committed that forced him to end up on a business trip for a month?" She accused bluntly making me to narrow my eyes at her.
"I am not always at fault." I attempted to defend myself but she wasn't in a mood to get convinced.
"I hope it isn't about that Yukta..." she muttered between her gritted teeth. Her orbs shooting daggers at me as she grabbed my wrist and dragged me towards a vacant table. "He completely lost it when it's about her."
"I know..." I muttered glancing at my fingers on my lap. "But it isn't about it. On the contrary, I am no longer of the view that they would make a good couple because Yash isn't interested in her."
"Thank my Goodness, finally!" She kept a hand on her chest and took a sighed in relief making me to roll my eyes at her dramatic self. Suddenly, she gained her suspicious posture. "If it isn't about her than what compelled him to take such a drastic step?" Her spying orbs digging holes in my soul as I opted to stare at my lap rather than into her orbs.
"I kissed him..." it was rather a whisper and as soon as it rolled down my tongue. I wish that she might had not heard it but unfortunately she did.
"What on earth!" She screamed grabbing the crowd attention on us. Hardly there were a couple of people glancing at us but soon got back into their conversation. "I can't believe it! You fucking.... Oh my!" She shook her head in denial. "How? When? Like... Really?" Her over loud self was making me uncomfortable among the crowd present but they seemed least bothered.
"Can you lower your voice, people are listening," I whispered shooting daggers at her for which she offered me a sheepish smile.
"Sorry..." she apologised on glancing at our surrounding. "You for a minute provided me with an heart-attack. Like for real, you did it?" She inquired still not believing in my words. I nodded getting embarrassed about my action. "Aru, it's fine. It's not anything wrong. If Yash didn't reciprocated or... walked away it maybe he was surprised. You know... anyone on his place would be." She attempted to convince me but I shook my head at her.
"He was surprise but he reciprocated. He even was getting comfortable around me, not for a minute me made me feel awkward in his presence after the kiss but..." I halted the feeling of guilt powering me.
"But, what?" She inquired sounding soft.
"But I couldn't behave normal. I fucking made a blunder, Ishu. Why am I so complicated? He understands me better than I do. I was fucking using him at that moment of my grief. I wanted to wash away the feeling of Rishi's demise. I wanted to brush away the feeling of pain by kissing him. I provided him with hope, Ishu." Tears started emerging from my orbs. "I could still glimpse at those sparkling, delighted orbs. The content smile as if he was rewarded with the world. He fucking treats me as his universe, Ishu." I covered my face with my palm. Attempting to hide my tears from the rest of the world. "Please ask him not to love me in that manner. It scares the shit out of me... He deserves the world not me." I kept sobbing into my palm when a large arm wrapped around my shoulder.
The same cologne mixed with mist touched my nostril. I forced my eyes shut not wanting to glance at the figure in such a vulnerable state. His hands slowly reaching to my waist pulling me towards him. I wanted to oppose but at the same time my heart craved for his presence. I wasn't sure what was happening with me?
"Why are you so clueless?" I heard a chuckle escaping from deep within his chest. "How come your friend is so dumb?" He was mocking me but I wasn't in a condition to fight back rather I leaned into his chest, into his smell. Such a vulnerable state allowed me to push back logic and allow my heart to drive me. "She claims of finding my happiness yet stood blind towards the main source of my happiness." I could feel his voice echoing in my ears which were inches away from his mouth. "She fucking irritates me with her confused self." He growled making Ishika giggle in response.
Had they forgotten my presence or were waiting for my reaction? I rolled my closed eyes not in a mood to provide them with any attention. "She claims that she can never fall for me yet at each moment wish for my better future even if that possibility can destroy Aarush and her future." I heard him feeling infuriated yet he pecked a kiss on my forehead. "She is fucking so dumb... but yet my heart can't stop from melting at her each action." And those words made something inside shiver as he slowly but carefully nuzzled his face in the crook of my neck.
"Oh man! Not here..." Ishika protested while he kept planting kisses in my soft skin. "Jiju... my customers are getting uncomfortable..." she jumped to grab his attention. He slowly pulled himself back from me.
"I want some moments alone with my wife before I end up into a business trip." He informed Ishika and without waiting for a respond he carried me out of the café. I didn't dare to open my eyes to glance at my surrounding. The situation between us was already awkward.
My arms were wrapped around his neck while his firm hold was around my waist. My face nuzzling into his chest while legs engulfed around his waist. I had never shared such proximity with him. Each part of our body was in contact with another. If it wasn't my devastating state I would had pulled away from him long back. I wasn't certain that I would be able to glance at him before the end of the month. Though I had kept hidden from him but the minute I met with vacant living room. I regretted my decision of not glancing at him for the last time.
I realised I missed his presence at that moment. I had felt emptiness when he had ignored me for four days but deep down I was assured that he ended his day beside me but for the next one month I would be uncertain about his existence. I wouldn't be offered with a glimpse of him. When he grew such importance in my life?
I felt him stopping and struggling with his hand and soon a click was heard and he dipped in along with me in his arms in his car. The warmness engulfed me, making me feel secure as he always did. He had grabbed a seat pulling me perfectly on his lap.
"Why were you ignoring me in the morning?" He questioned not pulling my chest away from him. "I felt an emptiness as I walked out of the mansion. My eyes were fucking craving to have a glimpse of you." He confessed sounding frustrated. I desired to be as vocal as he was with his feeling. I wanted to repeat his words back but I couldn't allow myself. I was clueless what was even happening with me? The entire fault was of the kiss. I was getting attracted towards him. Fucking lusting over him. I hated to confess the feeling.
"I am going to miss you so much..." he muttered, pressing a kiss on my head. Slowly caressing my hair. "Damn!" He waited for a minute longer. "Aren't you going to say a word?" He inquired growing impatient.
I opened my mouth to voice a word out but nothing rolled out of my tongue. "I want to go home..." and suddenly his hand stopped caressing me for a second. He wasn't pleased with my response.
"I interrupted your conversation with your friend." He muttered making me regret voicing those words out. He was shielding himself from me. I had wounded him with my mere words. "You can walk back if..."
"I want to go home please..." I requested not wanting to walk into the same café due to the embarrassment. I wasn't going to face the teasing look of the visitor or the owner.
"Do I make you ashamed of yourself?" His sudden accusation on himself forced me to glance at him. His set of brown orbs staring at me in guilt while I shook my head in clarification.
"You can't ever make me ashamed of you." I pleaded him, brushing off tears from my cheek. He stared at me a minute longer, cupping my cheek with his large hands.
"Then why do you act like my touch or my stare displease you. Is ending up with me sound that ugly?" He inquired as his orbs soften in grief. I shook my head vigorously, stunned that he was having such thought about him. "I know you adore Rishi and you can't replace him in your life but I don't want to replace him ever. I just want to find a small place in your heart that would be for only me..." he whispered softly connecting our foreheads together.
"I don't know... Yash..." I choked at my words. "I really don't know what you mean to me? I know I care for you. I know your ignorance troubles me. I get upset when my words hurt you. I am scared of the feelings that I am not able to understand or is it that I am not allowing myself to understand. I don't want to betray Rishi but at the same time, I don't want to hurt you, providing you with false hope. I am afraid of moving close to you but the minute you start distancing yourself from me, I feel shattered into pieces. I am not sure what this is Yash, I can't understand it myself. I don't even expect you to understand it... but the fact is I am just lost." I confessed lowering my head in embarrassment.
"Hey," he opposed lifting my chin to stare into those orbs that had admiration. How could he never find fault in me? How could I never glance into those orbs and find them judging me? Why does he have to be so understanding? "You aren't lost... you just need some guidance to walk on the path you're travelling." He orbs assuring, convincing that everything would sort out. "Aru, you had faced a lot in a tender age and your sensitive heart is broken in a cruellest manner. Anyone wouldn't be able to stand up as strong as you. Pushing back their grief for the life of their child. You did it, Aru." He praised with those words. His orbs glittering in pride.
"You fucking owned my heart when you confessed that this marriage was for Aarush. I could back off if I wasn't planning to end up with a wife who had no desire to be my wife. You had charmed me with your loyalty towards your husband. And each step taken away from me was an indication of your love for your husband. You weren't ever lost, Aru. You had everything planned. You knew what our relationship would be. The thing that amazed you were your growing interest in my life. You hadn't planned that! You hadn't planned that even after keeping your distance, ignoring my existence I will fall for you... or you will care that I had fallen for you." I widen my eyes as those words hit hard.
I kept staring into his orbs a slight smile playing on his lips as his stare was digging hole in my soul. "How do you know?" That came as a soft murmur. The way he read me as if I was easiest piece of work ever and yet I couldn't depict what was going inside me.
He chuckled, him leaning into me as he pressed a kiss on my forehead. "Maybe I just can see it through those beautiful orbs. I love reading them." He confessed an unknown emotion sparkling into the orbs for a minute before he shook his head. Averting his gaze towards the road. "So, let's drop you at home." He muttered taking his hand off my cheek.
Suddenly I felt a need to deny. I wasn't aspiring to separate from him. He would be gone for a month. I was already missing him. Not having the courage to voice out my feeling. I buried my face into his chest. I wasn't sure whether I had started liking him. I was unknown if I was replacing Rishi in my life but at that moment my heart craved for his presence so I listen to its demand.
My sudden action stunned him as I could feel his muscles tighten. His hand stopped in its track on the streeling wheel but soon he grabbed his posture. Pressing a slight kiss on my forehead. "I am here..." the way he understood me without expressing a word was beyond my thinking capacity. I just wanted to get lost in his arms.
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Isn't it beautiful to get lost in someone's arm? Forgetting the world around us... sometimes we just wish to find that home, that can allow us to get lost in it.