He pointed at a large private beach house that looked abandoned at the top of a rocky hill.
How far did I run?
Zuko helped me back up and lead me to the doors of the house. The doors were locked so he kicked them open, the whole place was dusty and the musk of an unattended house reached my lungs. We slowly walked up the stairs. Zuko stared at a picture on the wall. It was a portrait of him and his family, Zuko didn't have a scar. It was a different time. A completely different life. None of them were smiling. I softened my eyes touching the picture lightly. My fingers traced the border of the frame, eyes averting to Zuko's mother, Lady Ursa. She looked the most unhappy of them all. I couldn't help but remember when Zuko said she was no longer around. It must really hurt him to think back on these memories.
I looked to him, who was silent. Zuko then picked up a clay plate with an imprint of a small hand. He placed his hand on top. My heart started to hurt. I could feel the sadness Zuko felt. He was regretting everything. It made me slowly open myself to forgiveness.
I know him.
"You miss her, don't you?" I said to Zuko, his eyes slowly met mine.
"She always knew what to do," Zuko said looking down again.
"I miss my mom too," I said saddened, my mind yelling at me as my body felt like it was being split right down the middle.
"I'm sorry,"Zuko said, his voice cracking,"Kya, I'm so sorry,"
He gripped my hand, almost letting the clay tablet fall. I caught it with my free hand and placed it down. Zuko kept apologizing over and over again, his voice getting raspier as the dust in the air reached our lungs. I could feel my heart sink. I hated this, but his sincerity reminded me of before this mess. Of the times where I saw our future together back in Ba Sing Se. That future that deep down I still hoped was real.
I grabbed his face to make him look at me,"Then fix the mess you made," I begged staring into his eyes. I could feel it. He really was sorry about everything.
"I don't know how," Zuko looked back down in a whisper.
I felt a presence of someone, someone was listening to us. It's too dangerous to be honest, with him or myself. I let go of his face, backing away.
"Then there's nothing I can do for you. You should figure out what you want for yourself," I said as I walked away.
Azula was at the entrance to the beach house. I looked to her nodding before walking down the stairs to the beach.
That's not what I wanted to say to him. But I had no choice. I slowly made it to the sea. The silent waves crashed into each other as they always do, unchanging as the ocean and as adaptive as the tides. Those were the words from the Lady of the Ocean. I took a deep breath and began to sing.
You don't really have nothing As long as you still have a good heart But die for a belief It's not worth it But even if this moment disappointed and lost The fire in your eyes is still alive Piece together a soul in the broken world
I couldn't give up. I made a resolve the moment I left the North Pole with Zuko. I can't just give up just because I'm hurt, not when the world is at stake. I need to find hope in myself. I need to be strong enough to handle this. But not only that, I need to trust in change, and find hope in others too.
As much as it'll hurt me, I need to do the right thing and keep trying. I want to keep trying, I don't want to give up.
I heard the girls approach me as I pushed and pulled the tides. I spun around bringing the water along with me in a small peaceful dance. Something I'd never imagine doing before. But when no one knows the real you it's easier to be vulnerable about the smaller things. A chill went down my spine as I let the water go back and my mothers face reflected in the water. I knew it wasn't my mother but the Lady of the Ocean. I nodded to her, I know what I'm supposed to do. I just hope I'm strong enough to follow through. She smiled before fading away.
Destiny will lead me where I belong.
"That was beautiful Kya," Ty Lee complimented.
I smiled thinking about seeing my mothers face. Even if it was Lady of the Ocean. Every time I think I might forget my mother, she always comes back to my mind, one way or another.
"Your smile is really pretty," She added.
Kaito nodded in agreement as I sat down next to her.
"Thanks," I said, glancing at Zuko who watched me intensely from afar.
"Ty Lee learn to shut up sometime," Mai said, trying to look away from us.
I sighed as I could feel her jealousy prickle onto my skin.
"You should dance more often," Kaito whispered to me, ignoring her friend's clear hate for me.
I shook my head at the idea of dancing again. I didn't know why I did it to begin with. It just felt right. A nice ocean breeze passed by, I looked up to the sky. The stars shone so brightly it was almost saddening.
"Are you cold?" Zuko asked as he tried to put his arm around me.
"No," I answered bitterly, shrugging him off.
"I'm freezing," Ty Lee said, acting cute.
"I'll make a fire. There's plenty of stuff to burn in there," Zuko looked back his family's beach house.
We all watched as Zuko brought a bunch of things from the house including the family picture and burned it. I watched as the fire crackled, making everything turn to ash. It felt wrong, but it also felt like he was burning his past.
"What are you doing?" Ty Lee asked.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Zuko asked
"But it's the painting of your family," She said.
"You think I care?!" Zuko loudly asked with his arms crossed.
My head started to slightly hurt as things quickly started getting heated.
"I think you do," Ty Lee replied,
"You don't know me so why don't you just mind your own business?!" Zuko yelled.
"I know you," She said in a whisper
"No you don't! You're stuck in your little Ty Lee world where everything's great all the time,"
"Quit it Zuko," I said as tensions grew and Ty Lees expression changed.
"I'm so pretty! Look at me, I can walk on my hands! Woo!" He mocked doing a handstand falling after looking at her,"Circus freak!"
"Stop it," Kaito said. Ty Lee was becoming extremely sensitive and it seemed like Kaito was being defensive of the only person who was actually nice here.
"Oh be quiet," Zuko spat,"Not like you do anything but be here because you follow Azula around like a dog,"
Azula laughed at both remarks as Ty Lee dropped tears from her eyes. Kaito stayed quiet after that. I looked at her, she didn't seem to care about what Zuko said. But she certainly didn't like it either. Kaito didn't defend herself, it's almost as if she accepted it. Meanwhile I wanted out of this entire conversation but I had to sit here and take it.
"Yes I'm a circus freak! Go ahead and laugh all you want. You wanna know why I joined the circus?!" Ty Lee yelled.
"Here we go," Azula sighed, rolling her eyes.
"Do you have any idea what my home life was like? Growing up with six sisters who looked exactly like me? It was like I didn't even have my own name! I joined the circus because I was scared of spending the rest of my life as part of a matching set. At least I'm different now. Circus freak is a compliment," She said in pain of her only friends attacking her.
"Guess that explains why you need ten boyfriends too." Mai said
I leaned back knowing I had to stomach all this tension.
"I'm sorry what?!" Ty Lee asked.
"Attention issues?" Mai said, "You couldn't get enough attention when you were a kid so you're trying to make up for it now."
"Well, what's your excuse, Mai?" Ty Lee asked. "You were an only child for 15 years but even with all that attention, your aura is still this dingy pasty gray!"
"I don't believe in auras." Mai said harshly
"Yeah you don't believe in anything." Zuko chimed in standing up.
"Oh, Well I'm sorry I can't be as high strung and crazy as the rest of you." Mai replied.
Rest of us. Okay I guess I'm somehow crazy too.
"I'm sorry too! I wish you would be high strung and crazy for once instead of keeping all your feelings bottled up inside. She just called your aura dingy! Are you just gonna take that?!" Zuko argued
"What do you want from me?" Mai asked, laying back on the rock. "You want a teary confession on how hard my childhood was? Well it wasn't, I was a rich only child who got anything I wanted as long as I behaved and sat still and didn't speak unless spoken too. My mother said I had to keep out of trouble, we had my dad's political career to think about."
"Well that's it then." Azula said adding fuel to the fire, "You had a controlling mother who had certain expectations and if you strayed from them you were shut down. That's why you're afraid to care about anything and why you can't express yourself."
"You want me to express myself?" Mai asked standing up. "Leave me alone!"
I guess I am a little crazy. I started laughing out of nowhere.
"I'm sorry," I said before getting serious,"Do all Fire Nation have emotional trauma from their childhoods or is it just the aristocrats?"
I watched the fire grow larger. I felt bad of course but I didn't want to admit it to myself in that moment. Kaito then looked to me, as if I said something that sparked her interest.
"Says the ones who's exactly the same as us," Zuko retorted.
I looked over at Zuko and Mai who shrugged.
"Your a ticking bomb. You keep sacrificing yourself to end up losing but you act like you're completely fine," Mai said,"You really think that little gag act during dinner went unnoticed,"
I started to snicker to myself.
"I've actually already snapped," I stated,"After all the Fire Nation has done enough damage to me. I've lost important people in my life for the sake of a happiness that never came. I've finally given up on everything. I'm tired of fighting back just to lose again. I finally chose to live, not survive," I calmly said, so calmly I almost believed it myself. I was fighting within myself to not believe those words. I watched as Azula examined me, a light lit under her eyes.
While I'm here still trying to make myself believe what I said wasn't real, Azula was convinced enough. It was what I needed, but now I need to bring myself back.
Kaito's watched me with pity and sadness, searching for an explanation to what I just said. It was as if she wanted to understand what I meant, maybe she knew I was trying to lie. Or maybe she also believed it was a truth. Like everyone else did.
Zuko started to approach me,"I'm sorry,"
"Stop acting like you ever cared," I said annoyed.
"I do care!" Zuko yelled as I stared into his eyes.
"Well you have a funny way of showing it," I spat.
——
(A/N: as always here's the song.)