Amira Sarker
Those words kept replaying in my head. The three letter words.
I like you.
Butterflies erupted in my lower region. Joy overwhelmed me. He liked me. Damon liked me. I couldn't help but be satisfied that he felt the same as I felt for him. I was about to type back to him how I also shared his feelings, but of course the harsh reality hit like cold water.
I can't do this. I can't tell him.
It would only cause Damon more pain in the end when he realized that we couldn't be together. I wasn't stupid to believe that we could be together just because I liked him. At the same time I felt like a knife stab at my chest, familiar prickings of a tragic love story that was still too new to take flight.
Our mutual affections were the clouds on a stormy day, reckoning chaos every where it went, not caring whose lives would be spared. It was dangerous, vigorous, but most of all breathless to be apart of until it ended, and all that was left were the fragmented pieces of a once secured heart under locks.
With shaky hand, I picked up my phone. I didn't want to hurt Damon. I couldn't let myself do that to him. Each word I typed caused a swelling of grief on my wounded heart.
Me: Damon u shouldn't like me.
Damon: Don't u get it? It's feelings not an object that's easily gone. I really like u Amira I'm serious.
His words made me feel even guiltier.
Me: We can't be together. I can't date u.
Damon: I know.
Me: Y do u like me? I'm not hot or pretty.
As I typed the words, I felt regret staple itself to me, biting my nails nervously as I waited his response.
Damon: Ur right, ur not pretty.
Ouch. He didn't have to be so blunt.
Me: I know.
Damon: Ur beautiful. That girl I was talking about was u.
Butterflies erupted in my stomach as I realized he was calling me beautiful. Not hot or sexy, but beautiful. I stared in awe at my screen. For a highschool guy, calling a girl 'beautiful' was a whole new ball game, a new uncharted territory.
Me: Y are u telling me this?
Damon: Because I needed u to know. I can't keep these feeling inside anymore.
I bit my lip. I had to stop this thing with Damon before one of us got seriously hurt. Allah came first. Just because I had a crush on Damon didn't mean that I should disobey Allah and secretly be with him, but that thought alone didn't stop my scandalous thoughts.
Yet my fingers typed on their own accord, desperate to know why Damon felt the need to tell me. There was more to the story, but he kept it hidden, under a lock and key like he was afraid of fully trusting me. He guarded himself carefully, slowly opening up to me the more I pushed against his defenses.
Me: That doesn't explain why. U know we can't be together. U know that there is no future for us, so why even confess?
I tried my best to be harsh, to repel him from like I was a flame sent to burn his calloused skin. If I could keep him at arms length, then I wouldn't have to worry about disobeying Allah or following through with my desires.
Damon: I'm not sure.
Me: People don't spontaneously confess.
Damon: Y can't you just accept my feelings without question? Y does there have to be a reason for me to like u?
Me: Because I know you, Damon. You don't trust easily. You're weary of me. You're afraid to love anyone because you don't want to be like your mom where you forgive everything for the sake of love. I know you, and I know there's more to all this.
He was silent for a moment, letting the words sink in before the typing resumed.
Damon: U really do pay attention to my stories.
Me: We are friends.
Damon: I'm not sure if I want to be 'just friends' anymore.
My cheeks heated in a blushing ember, burning up to my ears. The sizzling sensation on my face refused to cease. His effect on me was unmatched. It was solely Damon's ability to make me stumble over my words and to worry for him whenever something went wrong in his household.
Me: What?
Damon: The real reason I had to tell u was because it felt wrong to hide how I felt. Don't ask me why, but for some reason u appealed to me. U were there for me when no one else was. U stood by me even when I was a complete ass. When I needed comfort, u were there, Amira.
Me: U needed someone. That's y.
Damon: I needed someone when Luqmaan allowed his friends to jump me, but he wasn't ever there for me like u are.
Me: I'm not him.
Damon: I know.
Me: Then y do u keep bringing him up?
Damon: Sometimes I can't help but compare. I still don't understand why u two are so different but follow the same religion. Maybe that's why I like u. Ur different from other Muslims.
I began to feel a slight annoyance. He still compared me, still believed that I was what the media labeled "terrorists."
Me: Damon, u can't claim to like me and then compare me to a guy that physically and mentally scarred u. He may share the same religion as me, but we are two different people. Not all Muslims will be practicing and not all Muslims will act the same. They are people just like u and I. They're capable of their own mistakes.
Damon: I know that. It's just I don't know. It still hurts sometimes. I told u that I trusted u, but I'm afraid to be hurt by u or betrayed in the same way.
He kept bringing up a betrayal, yet I had no idea what had happened. All I knew was that Luqmaan and his friends fought with Damon at his old school. No other details were displayed nor were they whispered in the halls. Only Damon and Luqmaan knew what happened that day, and Luqmaan was expelled according to the rumors.
Me: What did Luqmaan do? U keep bringing up this betrayal, but u never say what it is?
Damon: He jumped me.
Me: Why?
Damon: Because he was using me the whole time. Luqmaan didn't care for our friendship. He needed the connections that I had, the bad connections I had to be exact. When I refused to keep his little business going, he planned for an attack.
Me: He didn't hold onto ur friendship. That hurt the most, didn't it?
Damon: Yeah, it did. I had put everything into our friendship, stood by him through every type of trouble, yet he left me when I needed him the most and he never looked back.
Me: What happened to him afterwards?
Damon: Expelled. Never saw him again.
That would confirm the rumors. I felt sympathy towards Damon. This one Muslim had completely deterred Damon away from the Muslim community. This one man's action shattered his perception of an entire religion, making him more vulnerable to the misconceptions that the media fed.
Damon knew that not all Muslims were horrible people, but the stigma was deeply rooted in him, planting its seeds right where his wound opened. The root of his problems was the trauma of a heartbreaking betrayal. No amount of physical pain could hurt more than losing his best friend.
Damon: Amira, ur more than my best friend. Ur a girl that I can't live without. I don't even care about our differences, I just need u in my life. There's so much shit going on, and if I lost u too, I don't think I could ever trust anyone again.
Me: Damon, u can't like me. We discussed this.
Damon: I want to learn about the real Islam. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to keep doing this to u.
He was tortured by the past, trapped by it in every way where he was chained to his memories. Damon was a prisoner to himself. In a way, we weren't that different. I, like him, was also trapped by the vortex of time.
Me: Then maybe u should start by opening ur mind.
Assalamualaikum guys!
Yay! I updated! Anyway any thoughts on Damon's sad attempt to tell Amira he loved her? I bet all the fangirls are gonna be like, "OMG Damon loves her!! He LOVES her!" I hope you guys enjoyed. Remember to vote, comment, and fan! Thanks:)