Chapter 7
After that, nothing was the same again.
Wala akong pinagsabihan ng nangyari. I buried everything in the ground . . . including my feelings.
My performance in the individual quiz bee made me the top student in my batch in BS Psychology for that semester. I was 3 marks ahead of Leon, who came in second. Kahit ramdam ko ang saya ng lahat ng mga kaklase ko para sa akin, hindi ko maiwasang itanong sa sarili kung dapat ko ba talagang matanggap 'yon lalo at alam ko na hindi ako ang pinakamagaling na estudyante.
Ipinaabot ko na lang din kay Zoey ang DSM-5-TR ni Leon. I don't want to get involved with him in any way. Not again. Not ever. Ayoko ng utang na loob sa kanya at mas lalong ayokong makita sa paligid ko ang mga bagay na magpapaalala sa akin na umasa lang ako. Kahit na kasi paulit-ulit kong sinabi sa sarili ko na baka mabait lang talaga siya, I knew deep within me that I secretly hoped we could get somewhere else.
"Hindi n'yo naman ako sinabihan na ganito kahirap ang college!" nakangusong sabi ni Karsen, kasalukuyang nasa unang taon niya sa kolehiyo, bitbit ang makapal na yellow paper kung saan nakasulat ang problem set na kailangan niyang sagutan.
"Do you need my help?" I asked.
"Or my help?" singit ni Mill.
Sumimangot si Karsen sa kanya. "Baka matanggal ang scholarship ko kapag ikaw." She sat next to me. "Hirap ako rito," sabay turo sa isang equation.
It was a good diversion. Working, studying, and hanging out with my friends stop me from thinking about things too much.
Leon and I were back to where we had been before. Hindi nagpapansinan at hindi nag-uusap. I also unfollowed him on Facebook and marked our conversation as spam. It was better that way. Mas mabilis kong malilimutan ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.
Sa mga nagdaang buwan, saka ko lang napagtanto na gustong-gusto ko pala siya at doon ko lang din naamin sa sarili kong naging pabaya ako. I became too careful to keep my thoughts guarded, not realizing that I let my emotions go unchecked.
I sheltered my mind, but not my heart.
Sinubukan ko ang lahat para bumalik ako sa dati. Iniwasan ko siya at kahit isang beses ay hindi na tinapunan ng tingin.
I reminded myself of my original goal — to stay at the top.
Having said that, I made sure that every time he would be called to recite, I would raise my hand to recite as well. Every time he would solve a mathematical problem in front of the class, I would make sure to solve another problem, one that was harder.
Slowly, as sure as night and day, I knew I would forget all about him. Na darating ang araw na ang matitira na lang na emosyon ko para sa kanya ay ang kagustuhang matalo siya.
I knew I would forget the little things he did for me in the long run.
I knew I would lose interest at some point.
I knew I'd eventually get over him.
Or so that's what I assumed.
Because months into the second year of college, a myth that was confirmed right in front of my eyes made my feelings for him eventually catch up with me.
"Totoo pala," bulong ni Shaira nang makita namin si Leon kasama ang magandang transferee sa BS Biology.
It was Maria Psyche Alvarado, the new student who caused a stir when rumors began to circulate that she was dating Leon. Mayaman siya, hindi mayamang-mayaman, but she was still a class above us . . . or at least classes above me. She could have afforded a better school, but she chose to study here for a reason I wouldn't have the chance to know . . . I'm assuming it's because of Leon.
The beautiful woman was clutching onto his right arm and he was letting her . . . so naturally.
They walked into the canteen without paying any attention to the stares they received on the way. Para silang may sariling mundo na sila lang ang nakakaalam. And even though his face showed no emotion, I knew he was feeling something by the way he allowed her to touch him.
"Oo. No'ng last day na tinuruan ni Leon ang kapatid ko, sinabi niya sa 'min na maaga siyang aalis kasi may pupuntahan pa siya," sabi ni Zoey na ngayong taon ay kaklase na namin. "Tapos ayun, nalaman ko kay Mama na nakita niya raw na may kasamang babae 'yan."
All of a sudden, I felt like I had lost my appetite. Hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko sa kanila at ganoon na lang ang paninikip ng dibdib ko nang makitang dumulas ang kamay ng babae papunta sa kamay niya. I watched how their fingers intertwined, but before the pain completely engulfed my heart, I had the courage to focus my eyes on my food.
Matagal ko nang naririnig na may girlfriend siya. Balitang-balita iyon sa department namin. Iba lang ngayon kasi harap-harapan kong nakita at hindi ko inaasahan na masakit pala.
Posible pala 'yon, 'no? Na kahit gaano kaikli at kaunti ang alaala n'yo, puwede palang malalim ang maging balik no'n sa 'yo.
"Hindi ba kayo nagka-something?" untag ni Zoey sa akin. "'Yong sa Davao?"
A sharp pain stabbed through my chest as she mentioned the place where I confessed to myself that I had feelings for Leon.
It was still clear to me. Nang huling gabi namin sa isla, itinanong niya sa akin kung bakit hindi na ako lumabas ng kubo. Miski raw ang lalaki ay nagpaalam nang matutulog. The time I had an outburst in front of Leon, she was in the lighthouse with Ms. Lubrica because she'd been wanting to go there ever since we arrived.
"Kadiri, ha?" natatawang sabi ko bago nag-angat ng tingin.
This is what I mastered — concealing my emotions. Kaya nga nakahiligan ko ang make-up dati, eh. Not only would it hide my blemishes, but it would also cover up my fears, insecurities, and, dare I say it, even my jealousy.
"Ang ganda talaga ng friend ko," pang-aasar ni Meg na nginisian ko lang. "Anyway, may reviewer na ako sa Purposive Comm, bet n'yo?"
The conversation moved on to the forthcoming midterm exams, but I remember being so affected by what I had seen that I cried myself to sleep that night.
Ewan ko ba, ang babaw ko talaga lagi. Kaunting sakit lang, grabe ko dibdibin. Sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na ayos lang 'yon kasi wala namang ibang nakakakita. Ako lang naman ang nakakaalam na nasasaktan ako. Madali namang itago. Madali namang idaan na lang sa tawa.
It was a mistake. Having feelings for him was a mistake.
Simula noon, lagi ko na silang nakikitang magkasama ng kasintahan niya. They were everywhere. Sa library, sa canteen, sa hallway ng department namin, sa waiting shed sa labas ng school, sa lahat.
I don't know if they were really everywhere or if I was just paying too much attention to them.
Dumating sa punto na parang sa akin na lang big deal 'yon. Ako na lang 'yong napapatingin kapag magkasama sila. Ako na lang 'yong may pakialam.
The first semester of my second year brought forth a slew of changes. Hindi na namin kaklase si Maricar dahil napalipat siya ng section. She remained friends with Leon, so she would visit our room from time to time.
Then there were a few moments when I could swear I saw Leon looking at me, but then he would quickly avert his gaze. It still made my heart flutter, but I never let myself think about liking him again.
Ngayon kasi, sigurado na ako. Hindi na tsismis lang na may girlfriend na siya.
"Mendoza, 98," sabi ng instructor namin sa chemistry nang ini-announce ang final grade namin. "Congrats."
"Thank you po, sir," nakangiting sabi ko.
"Nuevo, 92. Palacpac, 88. Quintana, 90 . . ." he proceeded.
I mumbled a prayer to myself that Leon wouldn't end up with a better grade than I did. Kahit kasi nasa isang relasyon siya, hindi niya napapabayaan ang pag-aaral niya. May mga pagkakataong mas mataas pa rin siya sa akin kahit halos hindi na ako matulog kakaaral. Hindi gaya niya. Everything he did seemed effortless to him.
"Zamora, 99."
I tightened my fists and clenched my jaw when it was announced. Agad na lumipad ang mga mata ko sa kanya at sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ngayong semestre, hindi siya nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin. Our gazes locked, and I felt as if he was reading me in some way.
Ano? Mas masaya ka ba ngayon? Walang bago, 'no? Lagi ka pa ring nakakalamang. Lagi kang mas magaling. Lagi kang . . . nauuna.
Slowly, I lowered my eyes, afraid he'd catch sight of how much I longed for him.
To: Mr. Mendoza
Good evening po. Wala po akong load ngayon kaya hindi ko mai-se-send sa e-mail n'yo pero ito po ang grades ko:
Chemistry and Developmental Psych – 98 (1.25)
Experimental Psych – 97 (1.25)
Art Appreciation, Gender and Society, Tradition of Fiction, and Psychological Statistics – 99 (1.00)
Average – 1.11
I lay in my bed, thinking about how long I'd be like this. Days dragged on endlessly for me. And the more I see Leon and Psyche together, the more I realize how much I still like him. Walang araw ang lumipas na hindi dumadaan sa isip ko kung ano'ng ginagawa nila kapag walang ibang nakakakita.
I wonder what happens when she starts crying. Ipinapatong niya rin ba ang kamay niya sa ulo nito para patahanin? Sinasabi niya rin bang handa siyang samahan siyang umiyak? Na lagi siyang makikinig? And what about if she stays up all night? Is he going to make her a cup of tea? O baka mas espesyal. Baka hindi rin siya matutulog.
My phone beeped, cutting off my thoughts.
From: Mr. Mendoza
What about Leon and Zoey's grades? What's your class standing?
I exhaled. Nakakapagod na.
To: Mr. Mendoza
Mas mataas po ako kay Zoey. Kay Leon, hindi ko alam. Hindi ko naman po nakita.
I felt bad for them. I was having the wrong thoughts. Kapag kasi nakikita kong mas mababa ang score nila sa akin ay sumasaya ako. Kapag naman natataasan nila ako ay sumasama ang loob ko. It didn't feel right, yet that's how I felt.
From: Mr. Mendoza
Check the list on the online portal then. Naglalabas naman sila ng Dean's lister, 'di ba? I'll wait for your call tonight.
Pinilit kong tumayo dahil alam kong wala naman akong magagawa. Sinabi ko na ngang wala akong load, eh.
"Mill," tawag ko sa kaibigan na nasa sala at nanonood ng TV.
"Oh?"
Umupo ako sa tabi niya. "Pa-hotspot. Titingnan ko lang 'yong mga Dean's lister sa portal."
Walang imik niyang binuksan ang hotspot niya. She then accessed her Facebook app, and my brows furrowed as she was directed to Psyche's profile.
"Kilala mo?" tanong ko.
Tumango siya. "Anak ng congressman ng 1st district."
Nagkunwari akong walang pakialam. I signed into the portal so that I could check the list.
"Ano'ng meron?" I asked.
"Gagawan namin ng biography ang tatay niya," sagot niya.
I gave her a nod, ending the conversation. Akala ko naman ay si Psyche mismo ang gagawan.
"Kaklase mo ang boyfriend nito, 'di ba?" maya-maya'y tanong niya.
Muli akong tumango.
"Ka-close mo?"
I tightened my grip on my cellphone. "Hindi."
She sighed. "Hay nako! Ba't ba ako nag-journ?"
Hindi ko na siya pinansin nang mag-load ang page. I muttered a curse when I saw Leon's average. It was 1.07. Mas mataas na siya sa 'kin. I only came in second this sem. He replaced me in my rank.
"Okay na. Salamat," mahinang sabi ko kay Mill bago tumayo.
Despite the fact that I was afraid of my father, with a trembling voice, I still let him know that Leon had obtained the highest rank for the semester. Kinailangan ko pang lumabas ng apartment para wala sa mga kaibigan ko ang makarinig ng pag-uusap namin.
"Nagiging pabaya ka na yata?" Rinig na rinig ko ang pagpipigil niya ng inis.
"Pangalawa naman po ako," bulong ko.
"Amari, the only thing that really matters is the top rank! Ano bang hindi mo maintindihan do'n?"
I'm really getting tired of this. Pagod ako sa trabaho. Pagod ako sa pag-aaral. Pagod ako sa mga nakikita ko. When will this ever end?
"Gagalingan ko pa po . . ."
"Ano'ng napag-usapan natin, ha?! Kapag nawala ka sa top, babawiin ko ang apartment sa inyo!"
Doon ako bahagyang natakot. Ngayon ko lang nakikitang nakakapagpahinga ang mga kaibigan ko. Kapag lumipat kami, doble-kayod na naman kami sa trabaho.
"Wag naman po muna," mahinang sabi ko. "Hindi po namin kakayaning maghanap ng malapit na dorm. Mapapamahal po kami."
"Edi galingan mo!" he shouted. "Goodness, Amari! Akala ko pa naman ay matalino ka!"
Maybe I was so drained that none of his words hurt me anymore. "Pagbigyan n'yo pa po ako ng isang sem. Tatalunin ko po si Leon."
He ended the call after that. It was good enough for me. I waited for weeks, and thankfully, the apartment wasn't taken away from us.
Noong una ay hindi malaking bagay sa akin ang pagiging second placer ko, pero nang mapagtantong handa talagang kunin ng tatay ko sa amin ang apartment ay pilit kong ipinaalala sa sarili na hindi na ako basta-basta lang dapat mag-aral.
My goal now is to beat Leon because he's the only one who can threaten my rank.
"In terms of scientific rigor, objectivity, convenience, and focus, quantitative research is better than qualitative research. This is because quantitative research can collect more data in a shorter amount of time," Leon said in our Field Methods class.
I shook my head and said, "Qualitative research, I think, is better, ma'am."
"Yes, Mari?" tanong ni Ms. Lubrica. "Why?"
Tumayo ako. "If we are going to assess a person's behavior, we need a detailed overview that can put a face to our findings and give them context," paliwanag ko. "Yes, mas madaling gawin ang quantitative kasi mag-ba-base lang tayo sa numbers. Quantitative, quantity." I shrugged. "Totoong mas objective 'to dahil 'yong magiging resulta ng study ay lalabas na representation ng general population, though it's not always the case, unlike sa qualitative na specific talaga."
"Good point," sabi ni Ma'am. "Continue."
"For example, gagawa tayo ng pag-aaral tungkol sa relationship ng hours of sleep at score sa exam. Puwede nating masabi na kapag mahaba ang tulog ng isang estudyante, mas mataas ang magiging score niya. That's how quantitative research works." I took a deep breath and shifted my weight. "However, marami tayong magiging extraneous variables. Dahil concluded ng study natin na kapag natulog nang matagal, tataas ang score, we'll turn a blind eye sa ibang factors na puwedeng nakaapekto sa score."
"Gaya ng?" untag ni Ma'am.
"Gaya po ng motivation. What if kaya pala mababa 'yong score ng estudyante ay dahil hindi siya motivated? May nangyari sa bahay nila or tinamad siyang mag-review? Another one is his or her IQ. What if ito lang talaga ang intellectual capacity ng participant natin? Kahit nag-review, 'yon lang 'yong nakayanan niya?" I noticed that Leon was adjusting his glasses as he watched me disprove his claim. "If we use qualitative research, totoong mas mahabang proseso, but it has better quality. Qualitative nga, 'di ba?" I grinned. "Hindi natin ma-o-overlook ang extraneous variables dahil in-depth study ang gagawin natin."
Ms. Lubrica smiled at me before focusing her attention on Leon. "Leon, may idadagdag ka?"
Tumango siya at muling tumingin sa akin. I didn't bother to look away. He couldn't intimidate me now.
Alam kong sanay na sanay na ang mga kaklase ko sa amin dahil wala na silang reaksyon habang pinapanood kami. Of course, who wouldn't? They were witnessing this on a daily basis.
"Magkakaroon ng problema kapag qualitative research ang ginamit natin dahil wala tayong magiging statistical representation. It will only give us research information from one point of view. It's subjective. If we're going to do this, we'll need to conduct in-depth interviews with all of our participants. Iisa-isahin nating alamin 'yong rason, from Ms. Mendoza's example, kung ano 'yong nakaapekto sa score nila sa exam," he defended.
"Then we should," I uttered confidently. "Kaysa naman wala tayong access sa exact and specific feedback."
Leon tilted his head. "We have the option of including even more variables in the study. We will determine their IQ by conducting an IQ test, at bibigyan natin sila ng point system on which they can indicate how high or low their level of motivation is . . . kung sa sample topic mo tayo magba-base."
"IQ and motivation are just examples. Mas marami pang variables d'yan."
His brow arched. "Like?"
Like being in a relationship! Puwedeng makaapekto ang pagiging brokenhearted sa resulta ng exam!
I chuckled sarcastically. "How will I know? That's what we'll find out if we conduct a qualitative study."
The clap from Ms. Lubrica drew our attention to her. She was smiling and leaning against the teacher's table, looking at us with evident amusement in her eyes.
"I so love this class. Mukhang hindi ko na talaga kailangang gumawa ng lesson plan at magturo."
Nagtawanan ang mga kaklase ko. Nagbuntong-hininga ako bago naupo. Last subject na namin pero ang dami ko pa ring energy maliin lahat ng sinasabi ni Leon. I wonder if he's starting to notice it. Inaraw-araw ko kasi siya.
Ms. Lubrica summarized almost everything we said before dismissing the class. Tawa nang tawa si Meg dahil habang nagtatalo raw kami ni Leon ay mahimbing ang tulog niya sa likod.
"Hello, BS Psychology 2-A!" sigaw ni Maricar na mukhang hinintay munang makaalis si Ma'am bago pumasok sa room namin. "Alam kong hindi ko na kayo kaklase pero ang hindi pumunta mamaya sa bahay, babagsak this sem!"
"Inuman ba 'yan? Kung inuman 'yan, hindi ako interesado," sabi ni Shaira, dahilan para magtawanan ang mga kaklase ko. Alam naman ng lahat kung gaano siya kalakas mag-inom.
"Oo, gaga. Nirentahan ko 'yong club malapit sa 'min," Maricar replied, slightly chuckling. "Bawal din ang may regalo! Enjoy enjoy lang tayo dahil birthday ko!"
I had no intention of going because I wanted to stay in bed and sleep. For the past few weeks, I've been getting a total of no more than four hours of sleep each night. Isa pa, sigurado akong pupunta si Leon . . . and I didn't want to end my day seeing him.
"Leon, ha!" sabi pa ni Maricar, nasa hamba na ng pintuan.
"You know I can't."
Oh, hindi pala.
Umirap ang babae. "Take a break, jusko! Sabihin mo sa kliyente mo na may gagawin ka."
I shrugged it off. Inayos ko ang gamit ko at hindi na lang sila pinansin. While preparing to leave, I felt Zoey's elbow on my side.
"Bakit?" I asked without looking at her.
"Tara?"
Umiling ako. "Gusto kong matulog."
"Please? Sabado naman bukas."
"May trabaho ako."
She heaved a sigh. "Sige . . . hindi na lang din ako sasama."
Inis kong ibinaba ang hawak na pencil case para samaan siya ng tingin. "Kasama naman sina Shaira, ah? Arte nito."
"Eh, hindi naman ako papayagan ni Mama kapag nalamang hindi kita kasama," nakangusong sabi niya. "At least, kapag ikaw, puwede kong sabihing may group study tayo."
Hinampas ko ang balikat niya. "Gagawin mo pa 'kong sinungaling. Bahala ka. Hindi ako sasama. Pumirmi ka na lang din sa inyo kung gusto mo."
"Mas gusto kong mag-inom." She scoffed. "Boring mo naman."
I was just about to laugh at her when I heard Maricar.
"Mari, sumama ka, ha?! Hihintayin kita mamaya."
Smiling, I stood up and carried my bag. "Happy birthday na lang."
She pouted. "Bilis na!"
Umiling lang ako. God, bakit n'yo ba 'ko pinipilit? Nasa akin ba ang spaghetti at shanghai? Hindi ba matutuloy ang celebration kapag hindi ako pumunta?
"May ipapakilala kasi ako sa 'yo," dagdag niya.
As if a collective conditioned response, my classmates who heard that started teasing me. They were mentioning Paolo, the smart guy from BS Psychology 2-B who almost got into the summer convention. Hindi ko alam kung saan galing ang panunukso nilang 'yon pero sigurado akong si Zoey ang pasimuno no'n dahil siya lang naman ang kaibigan ng lalaki sa section namin. Syempre, naging magkaklase sila, eh.
"Mga gago," nangingising sabi ko.
"Basta, Mari, ha!" pamimilit pa ni Maricar. "Matagal ka nang bet no'n."
Napatawa ako nang nagtunog wangwang ang mga kaklase ko. Maingay talaga sila kapag ganito ang usapan pero ang tatahimik naman kapag klase. At saka bakit ba hindi pa sila umuuwi?!
"Sasama 'to! Ako ang bahala!" sigaw ni Zoey. "Hindi ako papayag na matatapos ang araw na single pa 'to!" sabay akbay sa akin.
The loud thud of Leon's thick and heavy book striking the floor made us all stop talking and laughing for a moment.
Pero maya-maya pa'y bumalik din naman ang ingay. 'Yon nga lang, naiwan akong nakatingin sa kanya.
He got up from his chair to pick it up, but the noise the chair made along with his heavy sigh caused him to look annoyed.
I didn't know what had gotten into me, but, while watching him put all of his stuff into his bag with his brows firmly furrowed, I started to get the idea that perhaps the reason I couldn't get over him completely was that I didn't allow myself to get to know other people.
Masyado kong hinayaang mag-focus ako sa kanya. Masyado kong hinayaan ang sarili na hanapin siya palagi ng mata ko. Kaya minsan, kahit tahimik lang siyang kumakain kasama si Psyche, hindi ko maiwasang magdamdam. Maybe if I diverted my attention to other things, I could finally start moving on.
"Anong oras ba?" tanong ko.
Napatili agad si Zoey. Nag-apir pa sina Meg at Shaira na para bang malaking blessing ang pagtatanong ko noon. Goodness.
"Sasama ka na?!"
Natatawang umirap ako. "Hindi ko tatapusin, ha?"
"Yieeee," tudyo ni Meg sa gilid ko. "Bet niya rin."
I grunted. "Sino?!"
"Si Paolo," saad naman ni Shaira. "Sabagay, 'te, hindi ka na lugi ro'n. Mukhang aalagaan ka nang tama." She stretched her arm as she walked towards the door. "Kainis. Mali talaga ang hula ko. Pero, sige. Kay Paolo ka na kung bet ka nga. You have my support."
I couldn't help but laugh as I followed her. "Ano sa tingin mong pake ko sa support mo?"
Zoey let out a squeal behind me. Ang ingay. Nahahawa na siya kay Shaira. She used to be at least sweet.
"Wait, so, kahit walang suporta namin, go ka kay Pao?"
"Depende," I joked.
"Excuse me." Leon's voice attracted my attention. "Don't block the door."
The shivers on my nape hinted to me that he was nearby, perhaps right next to Zoey. Narinig kong inaway pa ng babae si Leon pero hindi na ako lumingon sa kanila. Gumilid na lang ako at hinayaan siyang makadaan. His scent rekindled my emotions as he walked by.
That night, I wore a black mini dress to the party and paired it with open-toe sandals. Hinayaan ko lang na nakalugay ang mahabang buhok para kahit papaano ay matakpan ang exposed kong balikat. I brushed my brows, but because they were already arched and thick, I didn't add any more color to them. I just finished off my look with my favorite crimson red lipstick and a soft blush.
Kanina pa nakatitig sa akin si Zoey kaya hindi ko maiwasang kunutan siya ng noo. Tapos na kaming kumain pero hindi pa kami nagsisimulang uminom dahil wala pa ang ilang kabarkada ni Maricar.
"Problema mo?"
She pouted. "How can you pull off any look? Kaya mong maging mukhang mahinhin, cute . . . tapos ngayon, kaya mo ring maging sexy."
"Asus! Baka lumapad ang noo!" singit ni Shaira bago inilapag ang isang plato ng cordon bleu sa mesa. "Gan'yan ang make-up! Tamo, hindi naman kagandahan 'yan."
Sininghalan ko siya. "Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng insecurity, 'no? Gosh, ang sama na nga ng mundo, naisip mo pang idagdag 'yang ugali mo."
"Kumalma ka naman sa rebut, 'te. Wala naman tayo sa room, shuta ka." Tumingin siya sa entrance ng club at kinawayan ang kararating lang na si Meg. "Tagal naman ng boys. Balak ko pa namang landiin si Thaddeus tonight," sabay salampak sa couch.
Umiling na lang ako. Thaddeus is one of Leon's close friends. 'Yong nagtanong dati kung ako ba si Mendoza.
"Alam mo, hanggang ngayon, nanghihinayang ako sa inyo ni Leon," Shaira muttered. "I mean, I have nothing against his relationship with Psyche. Naiisip ko lang na bagay sana kayo."
Like a reflex, I laughed. "Kadiri talaga.'Wag na nating pag-usapan at may girlfriend 'yong tao."
Sumandal din si Zoey sa couch. "Ramdam kita, Shai. No'ng nasa Davao kami, pansin ko talagang may gusto sa kanya si Leon. Iba 'yong trato, eh. Tanga na lang ang hindi makakapansin."
Hindi ako nagsalita. Wala pang alak pero mukhang balak na agad nilang pasamain ang loob ko.
"Bakit ba kasi hindi mo bet?" malungkot na tanong ni Shaira.
Good thing I really kept it all to myself. At least I saved my pride. Hindi ko masisikmurang sabihin sa lahat na umasa ako sa ipinakita ni Leon tapos sinabi niya sa akin na hindi niya naman ako gusto. That would make me look like a fool.
"Wala lang. Hindi ko lang type," sagot ko.
Hindi na sila nakasagot dahil dumating na ang iba pang bisitang hinihintay. Most were from 2B. Hindi naman lalampas sa sampu ang mga pumuntang kaklase namin.
"Ang sabi ko, 7! Ayos ang alas otso n'yo, ah?!" reklamo ni Maricar habang inaayos namin ang mesa kung saan kami mag-iinom.
The club was neither big nor fancy. It was just a simple place with good lighting, a small bar counter, a few plain tables, and black monoblocs. Kumbaga, parang inuman lang talaga siya. Hindi pa fully-developed para sa mga gustong mag-all-in party.
"Si Paolo kasi ang tagal nag-ayos!" sabi ng isang lalaki sabay tapon ng tingin sa akin. "Hello po, kaklase ko pala." Itinuro niya si Paolo. "Top 1 sa room namin. Rank 4 sa batch."
Kita ko ang pamumula ng mukha ni Paolo nang tuksuhin siya ng mga kaklase. Sumama pa sa tuksuhan sina Shaira, Meg, at Zoey.
"Sorry," Paolo mouthed to me.
I just nodded and smiled. This must be awkward for him.
May dalawang tower ng alak sa magkabilang dulo ng mahabang mesa. Kung eestemahin ay nasa dalawampu kami. Walang nasa couch dahil sinabi ni Maricar na bawal daw magsolo. Sa tapat ko nakaupo si Paolo at pakiramdam ko ay sinadya nila 'yon. Sa magkabilang gilid ko naman ay sina Zoey at Shaira. Si Meg ay nasa bar counter dahil siya ang nagtimpla ng alak. Part-time barista kasi siya.
Thirty minutes into drinking, Maricar's friends arrived. Agad na umayos ng upo si Shaira dahil grupohan ito nina Thaddeus. They were all familiar to me, but I didn't know their names.
"It's my time to shine," Shaira whispered.
Bumati kami sa mga bagong dating. Lima sila kaya nagdagdag pa kami ng mesa at mga upuan. When everyone had settled down, I heard Maricar ranting at them. Napatawa tuloy ako dahil parang stressed na stressed siya sa mga bisita.
"Susunod daw si Leon."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Ang sabi niya ay hindi siya pupunta! Kaya nga ako sumama, eh! Ayokong matapos ang araw ko na siya na naman ang iniisip ko!
"Pinayagan ni Psyche?"
My full attention was on them. Bukod kasi sa malapit lang sila sa amin, hindi ako mapakali sa naririnig ko.
"Para namang magpapa-under 'yon do'n," Thaddeus said, slightly chuckling.
"Hindi ba seryoso?"
I watched them in secret and saw Thaddeus shrug. "Ewan. Alam mo naman 'yon. Laging may rason."
Binatukan siya ni Maricar. "Seryoso si Leon do'n! Tatagal ba sila kung hindi?!"
The guy scratched the back of his head. "Wala naman akong sinabing hindi, ah? Hindi lang niya talaga naikukwento. Mas madalas niya pang mabanggit dati si ano . . ." My eyes widened when he suddenly shifted his gaze to me. Mukha ring nagulat siya na nakatingin ako. "Ah, basta! Hayaan na!"
"Kita ko 'yon," bulong ni Shaira sa 'kin. "Na-mine ko na 'yan, ha?"
I glared at her. "Mukha bang type ko?"
The night deepened, and after a few more drinks, I started to feel a little tipsy. Maingay ang paligid. Kahit nasa iisang mesa kami, may kanya-kanya pa ring grupohan. Parang nakaka-out of place tuloy. Maya't maya rin ang tingin ko sa entrance ng club pero mukhang hindi naman na darating 'yong . . . sinasabi nila.
Paolo would sometimes talk to me, but I ended up finding him boring. There must be something wrong with me. Maitsura naman siya at matalino. Mabait din sabi ni Zoey. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko lang talaga . . . tipo.
"Magpapahangin muna ako sa labas," sabi ko sa mga kanila bago tumayo.
"Samahan na kita?" tanong ni Paolo.
Kitang-kita ko ang pagsisikuhan ng mga kaklase niya. Napaisip ako. Kapag ba pinayagan ko siyang samahan ako, iisipin niyang interesado ako sa kanya? Should I lead him on? O baka naman assuming lang ulit ako? Baka naman inaasar lang kami tapos mamaya, hindi naman pala totoong type niya 'ko?
He seemed to have noticed my hesitation. Napakamot siya sa batok at nahihiyang ngumiti.
That made me feel a little guilty. "Uhm . . . sige."
"Sigurado ka? Okay lang naman. Medyo delikado lang mag-isa sa labas kasi gabi na."
I smiled awkwardly. "Tara?"
Hindi ko pinansin ang panunukso ng mga kaklase nang lumabas kami ni Paolo. They were drunk, so their teasing was a little out of line. Bago pa kami tuluyang makalabas ay nakita kong lumipat sa puwesto ko si Thaddeus, mukhang makikipagkwentuhan kay Shaira. Si Zoey naman ay nakasubsob na sa mesa.
"Sorry sa asaran, ha?" sabi ni Paolo.
May mga poste ng ilaw kaya hindi naman sobrang dilim kahit na nasa looban ang club. Sa pinakakanto nito ay may convenience store, sakto para sa mga gustong magpahulas. May eskenita din sa gilid at papasok naman doon ang bahay nina Maricar.
"Ayos lang," maikling sagot ko.
Binalot kami ng katahimikan. It was an uncomfortable kind of silence. Hindi naman kasi kami magkakilala. Bukod sa alam kong isa siya sa finalists ng quiz bee, wala na akong maalalang napansin ko siya.
"Uhm . . . teacher n'yo pa rin si Ms. Lubrica, 'di ba?"
See? Ni wala kaming ibang puwedeng pag-usapan.
Tumango ako. "She's my fav."
"Naikukwento ka nga sa section namin. Kayo no'ng Leon."
Lumingon ako sa kanya. "Ano'ng sinasabi?"
He smiled. "Magaling daw kayo parehas . . . saka masipag."
"Ahh . . ." I smiled back at him before lowering my gaze to my feet. "Magaling talaga si Leon."
"Magaling ka rin naman."
Hindi na ako sumagot kaya muli kaming nanahimik. Mula no'ng natapos ang convention ay napalapit ako kay Ma'am. She would sometimes invite me and Zoey to eat lunch with her. Minsan naman, kapag may estudyanteng nagbibigay sa kanya ng pagkain, ipinatatawag niya pa ako para ibigay ang iba sa akin. Mabuti nga at wala akong toxic na kaklase. Hindi nila naiisip na sumisipsip ako kay Ma'am.
"Ano . . . bibili ako ng kape sa 7/11 sa kanto. Gusto mong sumama?" tanong ni Paolo.
Umiling ako. I couldn't bear to feel this awkwardness with him any longer.
"Pumasok ka na lang kapag hindi ka na komportable. Bibilisan ko lang."
Isang beses akong tumango bago siya tumalikod sa akin. I sat on the pavement and let out a sigh of relief as he walked away from me.
Hay. Gusto ko nang umuwi. Sabi na nga ba, eh. Mas maganda talagang natulog na lang ako. Wala naman akong mapapala rito.
"That must be Paolo."
Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko nang marinig ang boses ni Leon mula sa kung saan. I turned around and saw him walking out of the alley. What surprised me even more was that he was holding a cigarette, a very familiar scenario to me.
Inis akong tumayo at pinagpag ang dress ko, parang biglang nawala ang kaunting hilo.
"Stop your habit of eavesdropping. Hindi magandang tingnan," iritableng saad ko.
He was dressed in casual clothes. Mukhang katatapos niya lang din magtrabaho. Dala niya pa kasi 'yong bag niya. Kung kanina pa pala siya nand'yan, bakit hindi na lang siya pumasok sa loob? Hindi 'yong makikinig siya sa usapan ng iba.
"I didn't mean to," he whispered before he tossed some cigarette ashes into the trash bin.
I clenched my teeth and tried to keep my composure. I hate that he is the only person who can make my heart beat so fast.
"The next time this happens, I hope you stay hidden. You don't have to show up just to prove that you were there," sabi ko.
This is the first time we have talked since the summer convention, and I sure hope that this will be the last time we do so. Kung wala naman kami sa room, mabuti pang iwasan na lang namin ang isa't isa.
"Galit ka pa rin sa 'kin?" he asked slowly.
I tightened my grip on my dress and stared intently at him. No, Mari, he didn't say it softly. Your ears just have filters when it comes to him.
Nothing about his appearance had changed. Only that this time, I knew that no matter how much I adored him, someone already owned his heart.
"Pa rin?" I chuckled. "When did I get mad?"
He kept staring at me with the same gentle look he used to have for me. But then, I was sure as hell he also stared at his girlfriend that way.
"Ahh . . . 'yong sa Davao ba?" I asked, trying my best not to sound pathetic. "Wala na 'yon! Maybe you're right. I won because I did my best."
Something flashed across his eyes, and it was so sorrowful that it made my heart swell up. If he hadn't gotten a girlfriend, I would have thought he longed for me. Or if he hadn't said he didn't like me, I would have thought he missed me.
But then, alam kong sa mga mata ko lang naman gano'n. Kumbaga sa research, it was qualitative. Base lang sa sarili kong pananaw.
"Pumasok ka na sa loob, Kanina ka pa nila hinihintay." That . . . I doubt. Parang ako lang naman ang naghintay.
"Do you plan . . ." He hesitated.
"Hmm?" I hummed, making myself as casual as possible.
He breathed deeply. "To entertain him?"
My chest began to clamp, but I pushed the feeling out of my head. "Si Paolo?"
Hindi siya sumagot. Nanatili lang ang tingin niya sa akin.
"Baka," I said with confidence, even though I knew I was just trying to protect my ego. "Ang tagal ko na ring single, eh. I miss going on dates." Tumawa pa ako. "Kaya kung may date ideas ka d'yan, just tell me."
He adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose before slowly shaking his head.
I shrugged. "Okay." Pasimple akong sumilip sa kanto kung saan pumunta si Paolo. "D'yan ka na. Susundan ko na muna."
I didn't dare wait for his response. Just like what I did in Davao, I was the first one to turn away.
You act quite well, Amari.