it'd been two hours since i was on my phone call with vin. he already boarded and took off, he wasn't kidding. i was in a crazy amount of pain, but i didn't want to show it. i was alone, it hurt me more than i wanted to open up about.
"is she okay?" i asked the doctor.
"shes perfect, she's just very anxious to get out. you know we can start the process in around 2-3 hours?"
"no! can we wait like...5?"
"honey, it depends on her. if she wants to be out she will be out."
the pain was unbearable. every 10 minutes felt like hours. i was desperate. after the 5th hour i was on the deepest mental breakdown. i had no one here, i couldn't have anyone who wasn't family and i don't have a family. vinnie's family already booked a flight for tomorrow, i just have to wait.
i felt like i was starting to see stars, i was exhausted. i felt like slowly fading. the pain was the same but i just felt done.
"baby?"
finally i felt something, still in a lot of pain but i felt like finally there was someone here.
"hi." i cried, partially joy mostly exhaustion and relief.
"oh my god. are you okay?"
"this hurts so much." i cried into his shirt. i felt like i could pass out any second now.
"im here im right here." he kissed my forehead.
"lets do this now please i want it over." i breathed out, it seemed like it took them 30 seconds to set everything up for everything to start.
"i need you to push on your next contraction."
***
"its okay, baby, i love you." i heard, my eyes weren't open but i could hear. i felt in huge pain, very weak. i opened my eyes to see the lights dim, and vinnies back tattoos facing me. "hello angel."
"hi. what happened?" i yawned. he turned around holding the smallest baby i think id ever seen, she was ours. "oh my god." i hadn't met her.
"you did amazing." he kissed my forehead coming closer to me.
"give her." my eyes were watered in joy knowing i just gave birth, everything seemed a blur.
"not right now baby. later."
"later? hello i havent held her yet." was he really gonna be selfish? i just woke up.
"bub you cant. look at your chest."
i uncovered myself, i had at least 4 wires on my chest and abdomen.
"what the fuck happened?"
"hey pottymouth we have a kid here. there was just some complications, doctor said you're fine but should be monitored for the next week and to
not put any pressure near the wires for now."
"im not staying here a week." i scoffed. "so i cant hold her?"
"not yet baby. thats why they told me to like get chest to chest with her. shes perfect, look at her little nose." he smiled.
"i just wanna hold her. im her mom."
"isa, not right now, okay? maybe tomorrow. no no, don't cry." he said sitting next to me. "i know you really wanna hold her."
"i cant even feed her?" the hormones were insane, i usually take a lot of endurance to cry but today it was easy.
"doctor said you can either pump or maybe formula." he played w my hair.
"shes so pretty. she doesn't look like a vegetable."
"honey, why would she look like a vegetable?"
"because some new born babies are hideous but shes so cute."
"yea...but vegetable?"
"be quiet, im having a hard day."
"i know. im proud of you, thank you."