* Trigger Warning: Vivid showing and explanation of a panic attack and PTSD mentioning. Do not read if that makes you uncomfortable*
Jay was on an undercover assignment. He was going under as himself to connect with an old army friend. Jay had handled his PTSD pretty well over the last few years, he had a rough start when he first got back but gradually learned how to deal with it. No one in the unit knows about Jay's PTSD except Hailey. They got really close over the last few months. He knew he could count on her.
The team knew about Jay's time in Afganistan, so they were worried. It took some convincing by Jay to let Voight keep him on this case. He really didn't want to blow it.
"Halstead, can you hear us?" asked Voight.
"Loud and clear." Jay responded.
"Going in" Jay announced.
Hailey and Kim were outside the veterans center in a surveillance van. The others were scattered around the outside of the building trying to look inconspicuous. Jay had a camera hidden in the button of his shirt. He was also wired so the team could hear everything.
To be honest, Jay was nervous about making contact with Graham again. He knew a lot about Jay's past that he didn't want the team to hear. He was already having an anxious week. The anxiety came in bouts. He could usually feel a wave coming on a couple days before it hit, like a storm. He had a tough case that reminded him of Afganistan and all the awful things he experienced. He had gotten barely any sleep they past few days because of this case, which compounded his bad memories.
He'd been having more, and more nightmares recently, so he was more nervous than usual because of everything.
He saw Graham almost as soon as he entered. He let the team know he had eyes. Graham was part of a robbery crew that the team was trying to pin. Jay was sad in a way for his friend, he was a good man once, after he came back home he dealt with the trauma by turning to crime, Jay was thankful he got grips on the worst of his PTSD with the help of Will.
"Jay is that you?" Graham asked
"Graham? How are you man? Long time no see!" Jay said back.
He couldn't let Graham know he knew anything. He has to play nice for the time being.
"Are you here often?" Jay asked
"No not too often, I only come about once every two weeks." he said.
Jay already knew this.
"I think it's about to start, we should go sit" Jay said.
Jay sat beside Graham in a circle of chairs. He could feel his anxiety rising but was trying hard to push it down. He was really hoping it wouldn't get any worse. It was like the more he was aware of it and tried to push it down the worse it got.
He could feel his breathing quicken slightly.
"Graham would you like to share next?" the lady conducting the meeting asked.
"Sure"
Jay was really hoping no one noticed his breathing so he could stay under. He was just hoping Graham didn't bring him into the conversation. If Graham did, Jay wasn't sure he could keep it together.
"Actually, this is Ricky Halstead and we were in the same group while in Afganistan. We had some crazy times. His actual name is Jay but everyone in the unit called him Ricky because of how one time he ricocheted a bullet off the ground from 400 feet away to hit a target, that was one for the history books! Anyways, I remember one time we were in a Humvee doing our morning checks, ya know saying hi to the locals and making sure everything was running smoothly. Then all the sudden we were hit with and IED, everything exploded, and we lost two guys, that......... that was a hard week." Graham said solemnly.
Jay was desperately hoping that what just happened wouldn't happen. He could tell he was about to have a panic attack, he could not blow his cover, this was the worst case scenario.
Jay's hands began to shake, then his breathing quickened even more, he didn't want the team to find out like this. What he forgot about during all this was that he was wired and had a camera on him so the team could already see his hands shaking and hear his breathing quickening.
He needed to leave, he knew he was having a panic attack.
The others knew Jay was stressed, even if Jay would never admit it. Hailey was the first to realize what was happening, she saw his hands begin to shake first, then realized his breathing was erratic and quick.
" Will you excuse me for a moment." Jay shakily said.
"Halstead what the hell are you doing?!" Hank yelled into his walkie-talkie which went to Jay's earpiece.
Jay disregarded Hanks comment. He b-lined outside.
"No.......no!" Jay was mad with himself, he was stronger than this.
His legs fell out from underneath him as he became more lightheaded from hyperventilating.
"Jay!" Hailey ran towards Jay.
Jay was against the side of the building having an awful panic attack. This was one of the worst he's ever had, and that was saying something.
Jay heard a car horn honk down the street, and that was what triggered the flash back. He was in Afganistan again.
Hailey's POV:
*5 mins before*
Kim looked at me with wide eyes, I knew Jay was having a panic attack, she has never seen him have one before.
I knew it was a bad one when he left.
"Jay, you good?" I asked in the earpiece.
The others couldn't see Jay so didn't know what was going on. When they heard me ask Jay if he was good, it worried the others, so they immediately also asked through their earpieces if he was okay.
I heard Jay say something quiet after a car passed honking its horn and the others all talking to him at once.
"Everyone be quiet! Jay say that again....." I said
"to many voices to many voices to many voices to many voices" Jay chanted
I knew how important this case was too Jay and to the rest of the team. But I needed to do something.
All the sudden he yelled,
"No.......no!"
He collapsed on the pavement, his legs like jello.
I ran towards him but slowed down when I got close. I didn't want to scare him even more.
" to many voices to many voices to many voices" he kept saying.
"Jay, Jay, please look at me baby. I'm right here, you're safe, I got you." I begged.
*End of POV*
* Present*
The rest of the team was walking around the building to where Jay was. They were all seeing Jay have one of the worst panic attacks in his life. Hailey knew Jay would be embarrassed but she didn't know if she could talk him down on her own.
"Baby........baby please look at me, you're not in Afganistan you're with me in Chicago. You are safe." Hailey tearfully said.
"People dying, so much death..... so much death...... to much death..." jay said over and over.
Jay grabbed the sides of his head and hunched over, swaying as he chanted the awful memories.
"Jay, look at me! Look at me Jay! Please......" Hailey begged.
Hailey was sobbing at this point, she had seen him have panic attacks before but never one this bad. She felt like she was seeing the love of her life break right before her eyes. She gently grabbed his face, hoping that would somehow help ground him to her. But, he grabbed her wrists, forcing them away from him. He looked her straight in her eyes without any recollection of what he just did or who she was, Hailey knew then, that she wasn't going to be able to get through to him. He needed Mouse.
Hank knelt down in front of Jay, he hated seeing one of his detectives like this. he viewed Jay like his own son.
"Kid, Kid, look at me, watch my breathing." Hank calmly instructed.
" I can't.... I can't..... can't breathe..... don't make me go back....... please don't make me go back....." Jay begged, his head still in his hands.
" You're not gonna go back. I promise. Get Mouse on the phone right now." Hank instructed Adam.
"Hailey come here. You won't make it go away but it might help him to see you." Hank said.
Hailey came back, wiping under her eyes in case Jay would realize she'd been crying. She took both his hands in hers, he flinched, but let her touch him. That was at least some progress.
It felt like this would never end.
All jay could hear was muffled voices. It was like he was underwater trying to listen to a conversation above. His vision was blurry and swimming, he couldn't focus on one thing to long until he saw the desert in the distance, taunting him, showing him he could never escape Afganistan and the war.
The rest of the team had never seen Jay have a panic attack before. They all stood there trying to help their friend wherever they could. They hated seeing him like this. He is always been one of the strongest on the team, in every way. The first through the doors. It was easily the worst thing they had witnessed with one of their teammates.
" I got Mouse on the phone boss." Adam said.
"Finally, we have to get Jay to stop hyperventilating or he's gonna pass out." Hank said.
"Jay..... Jay......Adam has Mouse on the phone. He's going to slowly walk up and put the phone near you, everything's fine." Hank said.
Hailey was still holding Jays hands, crouching beside him, willing this to end soon. She knew he would be exhausted after, his body couldn't take this much stress for much longer.
"Jay, Jay, it's Mouse. Can you hear me?" Mouse asked over the phone.
Jays head whipped to the direction of the phone where his friend's voice was coming from.
There was nothing for a few seconds, then Jay slowly nodded.
"He can hear you." Adam said to Mouse.
" Good. Jay listen to my voice." Mouse instructed.
" You are home soldier. I am home brother. We are safe. You are safe. Stand down, you have completed your mission. Stand down." Mouse profoundly said.
The rest of the team stayed silent for a couple mins. They didn't want to say something or spook Jay and make him forget Mouse's words.
Jay shook his head slightly a couple times, a sort of sign he was coming out of it.
Two minutes later, Jays breathing started to slow down. It was slight, but the team noticed it. They looked at each other, hopeful that what Mouse said finally get through to him.
Adam slowly walks to pick up the phone and walk away.
"Thanks so much man, I don't know what we would've done if you didn't talk him down." Adam said to Mouse.
"It's okay, that's what he used to say to me when I'd have ones like that. Most of our unit has PTSD and has panic attacks, so we always pick up when one of us calls, in case this is why they need us. Let me know when he is fully calmed down." Mouse said.
" I will, thanks again man." Adam said.
" Oh listen before you go, if he has one like that again, I would bring him to the hospital. I wasn't there and I know you guys did your best, but sometimes he needs professionals not friends." Mouse warned.
" Okay thanks for the advice. We will hopefully never have to do that but if we do we will bring him in. I gotta go man but thanks again." Adam said.
" Okay, no worries." Mouse said.
Adam hung up the phone and went back to the team.
*Hailey's POV:*
"Hey baby, I'm here, it's okay. You're okay." Hailey coos.
" What...... what........." Jay sputtered.
" Take a minute, catch your breath." Hank said.
Jay sat there with his eyes closed, body limp, collecting himself as best he could.
" What.... happened?" Jay asked.
"Jay, you had a panic attack." Hailey answered.
Jay just nodded and laid his head back against the side of the building again, Hailey holding his shoulder and crouching beside him.
"I'm.....I'm sorry." Jay said to Hailey while a single tear slipped out of his eyes.
"You did nothing wrong. It's okay, you're okay." Hailey reassured while holding his hands and holding him.
The rest of the team stood near the couple with worry and concern lacing their features. After a couple more minutes Jay opened his eyes and saw them all staring at him.
" I'm good. It's good to know you guys care about me enough to look like your dog just died." Jay says cracking a smile and chuckling to himself.
" And he's back" Kim dryly says.
*Later that evening*
Jay and Hailey went back to their apartment and went to bed early. Jay was in bed resting his head on the headboard, closing his eyes waiting for Hailey to get out of the shower. She came out soon after with her pyjama shorts and oversized t-shirt. Jay had his pyjama pants on but was always warm (especially after a panic attack) so he rarely slept with a shirt on. They both got under the covers and Hailey nuzzled into the crook of Jays neck, smelling his warm and comforting scent.
" How are you feeling?" Hailey asked.
" Not great, I'm exhausted." Jay tiredly mumbles.
"Yeah, you had a really big one so you will probably feel tired the next couple days at least. Your body just needs time to recover." Hailey reasons.
Jay looks down at his hands and goes quiet.
" Are you okay? Whats wrong? " Hailey asks concerned, sitting up in bed trying to read Jay's facial expressions.
Jay looks at her with red rimmed eyes and a sad look.
" I'm so sorry Hailey. I feel awful about today. I know that must've been bad for you to. I just hate having to put you through that. I really thought I'd be fine..........."
" Jay.... Jay, I love you so much. You are literally my favourite person on earth. Please don't feel bad. Yeah I was scared for you but I want to be there to help you through whatever is going on. You're my person. Please don't forget that. " Hailey sweetly says.
" I love you so much. " Jay warmly says.
Jay leans in and grabs Haileys neck softly, gently pulling her mouth to connect with his. It was soft and filled with all their unspoken love for each other.
The end.
This is my first story and one shot about one of my favourite Chicago PD characters so please be kind. I know there is probably a couple spelling errors or grammer mistakes but I try my best with these stories. Writing is just a hobby so I can't put any time-line with new one shots. Hopefully this summer I can. Sorry for the long message lol. Thanks!
- C