What? Did he do something wrong? Why would he think that? I furrow my brow and sit back down at the table with my phone. My fingers hover over the keyboard but don't move to type a response. I suppose before I answer his text I should have an answer myself.
Smiles...Harry has been nothing but kind to me. A little too kind for someone living in a completely different world than me. He had no reason to think we'd be anything more than strangers, so the immediate liking he took to me was a little strange, but not something I would consider "wrong."
What does he think he did wrong? No one asks if they've done something wrong without having something in mind already.
But, as far as I'm concerned, Smiles has done nothing wrong. In fact, he's done everything right. The playful banter, the warm, funny feeling I get around him, the new, eye-opening experiences. Nothing has ever felt so right.
So I look back down at my phone and bring my fingertips to the letters.
Not as far as I'm concerned. Now, as for everything else in your life, I can't say, because somebody said I wasn't allowed to google them. You could honestly be a serial killer in your spare time and I wouldn't know.
I stand up and return to the sink to finish washing my cup, setting my phone on the counter beside me as I do so. The second I finish drying and putting away the dishes, my phone chimes. I lean to pick it up a little faster than I'd like to admit.
Harry: Oh, yes, did I forget to tell you that? You wouldn't believe the number of bodies I keep in my closet.
Me: I don't believe you
Harry: And why is that?
Me: From what I hear, you've got too many clothes to fit anything else
Harry: Well, if you've been a good girl and are staying away from google, then where did you hear that?
I ignore the heat that rushes into my cheeks at that and clear my throat selfconsciously. Hailey talks about him all the time, and I usually tune her out because she's happy enough just to hear herself talk, but a few things filtered into my brain like the fact that this dude has worn some pretty outlandish outfits and changes them often.
I pull my bottom lip in between my teeth before responding.
Me: Remember that friend of mine?
Harry: I suppose she spilled all of my secrets then
Me: Don't worry, she has obsessions with so many people, I can hardly keep them straight. For all intents and purposes, let's just pretend I don't know anything
Harry: See that's great in theory, but what if I want you to know all of my secrets?
Me: So cruel! Tempting me when I can't look you up...tsk tsk
Harry: What ever shall we do about that?
Me: Oh, I don't know, what did you have in mind?
I blink in surprise at myself. I can't be flirting with him. Hailey would be devastated. And it's not as if he'd seriously consider being with me. Sure, he said I was pretty and wanted to text, but that was just because I intrigue him. He said he didn't have anyone like me in his life. He's just curious, it doesn't mean he would ever actually be serious about me.
Groaning, I turn off my phone and slide it away from me before pushing my hands into my eyes. What is wrong with me? It must have been the hot blush at his one text that made me like this. He messed up my brain.
My phone chimes and I resist the urge to pick it up immediately...I resist for about ten seconds.
Harry: You, me. Drinks. 7pm this Friday?
Drinks? What? No! Did he just ask me out? Then, the memory of him asking me to dinner when we were at the clinic resurfaces. First dinner, now, drinks? I guess it's a step down, but still a date by most peoples' standards.
A date...no, I can't! He'd only break my heart and I would break Hailey's heart, and nothing good would come of it. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Do I want to?
My phone chimes again, but this time, it's not Smiles. It's Kaden.
Kaden: Can I give you a ride to work?
Me: Sure, as long as you're sure you're feeling up for it. How's the hangover?
Kaden: I'll let you know when I see you, on my way now
Me: K
I sigh in relief and put my phone away in the pocket of my scrubs. I'm so glad Kaden texted just then. If he hadn't interrupted my train of thought, I might've responded to Smiles. I'll text back eventually, but not right now. There goes Kaden, saving my ass again. First, he stopped me from saying yes at the clinic, and he's done it again now. He reminds me of everything I have now. Smiles could mess it all up, the balance I maintain. What I have going is good. It's not spectacular, it doesn't give me the delicious, body-shivering happiness I felt at Smiles' concert, but no one's life is that good.
And you know what? I'd probably grow tired of it if I had it all the time, if I let myself be around Smiles all the time. I'd get used to it, used to him, and never feel that same way when I'm with him again. I certainly don't want that, so it's best if I just keep my distance. I'll be friendly, but we can only talk once in a while so that feeling doesn't fade.
But what if it doesn't? The smallest whisper of a voice echoes in my head. You can't know until it happens. What if you spend day after day with him and the feeling doesn't fade? What if it grows into something bigger and better? What if feelings like that are meant to tell you to stay with the person who caused them?
No.
I can't...that won't...
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. No.
I slip my phone into my hand bag and put on my coat. Then, I take my keys from the coat hook by the door before remembering that Kaden's going to drive me.
Four minutes pass as I stand by the door waiting for Kaden like a puppy waiting to be let out. He finally texts me saying that he's in front of my apartment, and I'm about to walk out the door when I remember the souvenir I got for him in New York. I run back into my room to retrieve the bag with the hoodie before leaving, locking the door behind me.
When I get onto the street, I see his car parked a little ways down to the left. The sky is blanketed in thick clouds, and even though it's not snowing yet, the air smells like precipitation. There's a cold bite to the breeze, so I hurry to get into Kaden's car before the chill sets in.
"Hey!" I greet cheerfully. "How are you feeling?"
I scan Kaden's face carefully. There are slight dark circles under his eyes, but they don't worry me that much. The rest of his skin has a warm tone to it, he isn't pale like he was yesterday, and he doesn't seem like he has to throw up anymore.
He grins sheepishly and rubs a hand through his hair. "Good, better than before. I...um...I don't remember much of what happened yesterday. I know you were there, but...not much else."
I chuckle, laughing more at him than with him. "Be honest, how's the hangover?"
"You know, not that bad, all things considered. You'd think a two day bender would hurt a lot more, but I was just a little achy when I woke up, and I fixed that problem with some aspirin. Thanks, by the way, for leaving that stuff out on the counter for me." I nod wordlessly as he pauses and studies his hands in his lap.
He looks like he wants to say something more, but for some reason it's not coming out. I put a gentle hand on his shoulder, and his head snaps up to look at me, a light blush rising to his cheeks.
He can only hold my gaze for a few seconds before looking away and letting a nervous smile rise to his lips. He shakes his head and takes a deep breath. "Did I say anything to you when I was...you know, drunk?"
I smirk and lift an eyebrow. "You said a lot yesterday."
He was babbling like a toddler, it was kind of cute.
"No, I mean...anything weird? Did I..."
"Confess anything?" I offer.
"Yeah, that." He starts the car and pulls out of the spot.
I study the side of his face as he refuses to look directly at me. His expression is stoic and tense, as if he's terrified the answer might be yes. What does he think he confessed to me?
I shake my head slowly. "Not really, no. But...I have to ask. Why?" It was funny at first, me getting to poke fun at his hangover, but all the levity seems to have dropped out of my voice as I speak a little softer and more solemnly. "I've never seen you drink before, Kaden. What happened?"
He swallows hard, keeping his eyes carefully on the road. "Nothing. It's not important."
What? In all the time Kaden and I have been friends, we've always been open with each other. We tell each other everything. And yesterday, he told me it was because he saw a picture of me at the concert with Hailey. I thought today he'd be more in his right mind and could explain himself better, but apparently not.
I don't know whether to push or to leave it alone.
I purse my lips and sit in silence for a moment longer before responding, "If you do want to talk about it...I'm always here to listen. You know that, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, of course. Of course, I do, Gale," he says, nodding emphatically, despite not sounding entirely convinced.
I watch him for another minute before changing the subject.
"I got you something in New York," I tell him, the excitement back in my voice, as I hold up the bag between us.
As we pull up to a stop light, Kaden finally meets my eye again, an identical smile on his face now. "You didn't have to."
"Oh, alright, I guess you don't want the softest sweatshirt I've ever felt." I lift it out of the bag and wave it tauntingly.
The light turns green, and he prompts the car forward before glancing at me again with narrowed eyes. "The softest?"
I grin.
>< >< >< >< ><
The morning went by quickly and rather uneventfully. There weren't any severely injured animals brought in, the worst was a dog with a few tics that needed removed.
Before I know it, I'm on my lunch break. I still can't stop thinking about how Kaden wouldn't tell me this morning why he got so drunk, and about how he said yesterday that it was because he saw a photo of me having fun. That can't have been the reason, can it?
I take out my phone and go onto Hailey's instagram to see exactly which picture he was talking about.
There are several from our weekend together, some of which I recognise as the ones I took for her at the meet and greet. There's the picture of both of us with Smiles at the meet and greet and some selfies of her at the concert that I didn't even see her take.
Then, I find it.
There's only one picture of me at the concert.
I didn't notice her take this one either, but I guess that's because I was too busy being enamored by the singer in front of me.
The picture is taken from where Hailey was sitting, so it's of my right profile, and it's...beautiful.
The fans in the background are blurred because of their movement, but I'm crystal clear. The picture captures a few inches above my head to a few inches below my elbow, and Hailey must have done some editing because the background is dark, but my form is illuminated with coloured lights. There's a blue light cast downward from the glowstick halo, illuminating my red hair and most of my face. My mouth, chin, and the rest of my body is illuminated in golden light from the stage. She must have done editing to make those colours pop and blend perfectly.
That's not what captures my attention though, not the reason I think Kaden felt the need to have a few drinks after looking at it. It's the expression on my face.
It's...bliss.
In the picture, I'm looking up at Smiles - who's not in frame - with a knowing expression of awe and curiosity. My mouth is closed, but my eyes are open wide and sparkle in the light from stage.
I look like I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. I didn't know I had that expression on my face, but I'm sure I've never worn it before.
Hailey captioned the picture "Guess who just discovered Harry Styles."
I have to make a conscious effort to pull my eyes away from the picture after I screenshot it onto my phone. That's a keeper.
I do look like I've found something that makes me truly happy. I understand now why it upset Kaden so. This picture makes it look like it was more than a holiday. It was more than me having fun for the first time in a while, it was...a match made in the stars.
"Watcha lookin' at?" Kaden asks, walking through the door carrying a brown paper bag with his lunch in it like always.
A text notification pops up on my phone before I can panic about what to respond to his question, and I tap it instinctually. "Text messages."
I avert my gaze and look down at the text, and my stomach drops. It's from Smiles.
Harry: Did I say something wrong again?
My heart skips a beat as I hesitate. Before I get the chance to respond, he texts again.
Harry: Look, I didn't mean to freak you out by asking you on a date, but I kind of thought that's where our conversation was going. Was that wrong?
I reach up to curl a strand of hair around my finger as I study the words, reading them over and over again. He wasn't wrong. That's where my mind went too, but I stopped myself. I can't let this happen. Sure, I like him and he likes me, but it would never turn out and more people would end up hurt in the end than if we just didn't do anything.
I glance up at Kaden and remember the picture of me at the concert.
I just don't know what to do! The part of me that demands immediate gratification and cares nothing of the future wants to tell Smiles "yes" to the date, but the part of me, maybe the more rational part, that is thinking only of longterm stability, current happiness be damned, wants to tell Smiles "no" and cut him off entirely.
Before, it's always been Kaden that stopped me from making rash decisions about Smiles. Maybe I should let him have the chance to stop me this time too.
I look up, and Kaden meets my eye automatically. "Kaden, I need you to answer a simple question."
His brow furrows, but he nods. "Ok..."
"Yes or no?"
His brow furrows even deeper, and he opens and closes his mouth several times, trying to understand what I'm asking.
"Can you give me more context? Yes or no what?" he finally responds.
I shake my head, gripping my phone tightly and holding it at an angle where he can't see the screen. "Just yes or no. That's it."
He frowns, but an amused expression settles over his familiar features. "Ok...um...yes?"
A huge breath seems to whoosh out of my lungs, one that I hadn't realised I was holding. "Thank you."
"Sure, always happy to help." He smiles in confusion before going back to his food.
I look back down at my phone and begin typing my response.
Me: No, you weren't wrong and you've done nothing wrong. I just can't be dating right now. I do want to hang out with you, but only as friends for now, ok?
Harry: I can do friends for now. Don't think I won't be constantly trying to win your heart though.
Me: It wouldn't be the same if you didn't
Harry: So do I get to take you on a date?
Me: Not a date!
Harry: Ok, so we get to hang out? How about lunch on Saturday?
A lunch on Saturday with a friend. That sounds platonic enough. This way I get the best of both worlds. I get to be around the person that sends electricity through my limbs, and I don't make any drastic, terrible decisions that destroy relationships.
Me: I can do lunch on Saturday.
Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate all of you voting and commenting. I apologize this chapter took so long to come out, but I hope you enjoy it!
xoxo, Tilly