{Short Chapter Ahead - 3,330 words}
Tw: Depression, and self-harm
Every day, is another lonely day for
Y/n inside inside her little cell even when Levi, Connie, Jean or Hange visits her...she still feels so alone.
Sasha couldn't visit since she's still recovering from her injuries in a hospital inside inner wall Rose.
She doesn't even know what could fill her loneliness. She just feels so empty and drained. Is there something to fill her emptiness? Is there still a reason for her to wake up for another day?
When all she can feel is her heavy heart, the emotional pain and her mind that's so messed up, does she still have a good reason to wake up?
Even when her feels like it's falling apart? Does she still have a reason...
To keep living? To keep breathing?
What is she gonna do if she choose to live? What is the good reason to live?
Y/n doesn't know...she can't think.
Her mind are full of whats and whys. Her messed up mind keeps making what if scenarios, whys outcomes...
Bargaining.
She's at that stage.
Bargaining to make her pain go away, to find a reason to continue on living.
Bargaining for herself to live another day, when all that means is feeling pain all over again.
Even if that means feeling empty, sorrowed and drained out again.
"Y/n?"
Y/n slowly lift up her head upon hearing Jean's voice, she looked at the man who's standing in front of the cell bard and holding a tray of food.
Jean sighed upon getting a proper look on Y/n's face. Her eyes are empty, dark circles evident under her eyes and it's also swollen from crying, it's also evidant that she lose weight from the stress. Jean saw the breakfast he bought for Y/n earlier morning, she didn't eat, not even the glass of water.
"You need to eat." Jean said.
He placed the tray of food on the ground first to open Y/n's cell, then
he picked it up and walked in inside Y/n's cell. Jean placed the tray of food on the table, then he looked at Y/n.
"I'm not hungry, Jean." Y/n said in a low voice. "Just take it out. It'll just spoil here. I'll just sleep." Y/n added.
Jeam clenched his fists.
It's been a few days since Y/n have been like this, he understands why
Y/n's acting like this, but he worries for the h/c-haired lady. "Y/n...please."
He worries now that Y/n's not taking care of herself anymore.
It won't be impossible if Y/n falls sick because of what she's doing to herself.
Jean took the lunch he bought for Y/n then put it beside the h/c-haired lady.
He sat on the egde of her bed.
"Just a little bite, come on..." Jean said.
He took the bread and brought it close to Y/n's mouth, but the h/c-haired lady moved her face away.
"I told you...I'm not hungry."
Jean frowned. "Yeah. You're not. Now open your mouth and eat this bread."
Y/n shut her eyes.
She gently pushed Jean's hand away and went out of her bed, making Jean to sigh. The h/c-haired lady stood on the ground facing Jean. "Until when are you going to be like this? Look at you, Y/n...you're not looking good..."
Y/n rolled her eyes. "Of course. I just lost someone again, you think I'll be looking good?" Y/n sarcastically said.
Jean sighed once again, he picked up the tray of food then walked towards Y/n again, this time he took the bowl of stew and the spoon, Jean crouched in front of Y/n. "You need to eat, Y/n. You're losing weight unhealthily..."
Jean scopped a soup from the stew then brought it close to Y/n's mouth.
Y/n shut her eyes, she clenched her jaw and aggressively pushed Jean's hands, making the young man to let go of both the spoon and bowl of stew. "Why can't you understand?! Just leave me alone!" Y/n shouted.
Jean stared at the bowl of stew and spoon that spilled on the ground.
The bowl even broke.
Y/n's eyes then widened upon realizing what she had just done.
Jean looked at her, brows furrowing. He doesn't look angry, but upset.
Not because of what Y/n did, but because she keeps refusing to take care of herself. "Fine...I'll leave you alone. But when I come back here again, you'll have to eat." Jean said.
Y/n just looked down.
I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight...
Jean started picking up the broken pieces of the bowl, then he went out to get something to clean the mess.
Y/n stood up.
She went back to her bed and just laid down, facing the wall and didn't bother to look at Jean anymore.
Her eyes became glossy as she close her eyes. "Hey, Jean...do you hate me now...?" Y/n asked, making Jean to stop from cleaning and looked at her with wide-eyes. "I'm sorry...just don't leave me, too. It's just that...I'm so messed up right now...I can't think straight I feel heavy and...I don't..."
Y/n couldn't help anymore and broke down, especially when she felt Jean from behind her. "I don't hate you."
Jean laid beside Y/n, then embraced her from the behind. "I understand."
The young man kissed Y/n's head and tightly wrapped his arms around her waist, making sure she's won't feel that she's hated and alone. "I'm here. Don't ever think that I hate you and that I'll leave you, I'm always here..."
Y/n just closed her eyes as she teared up. Jean turned her around to face him. "I'm sorry...Jean." Y/n whispered.
The young man wiped her tears and cuddled her close to him. "It's okay..."
Jean didn't speak anything anymore and just let Y/n to cry in his embrace.
Jean closed his eyes...and prayed silently to whoever god is out there, he prayed for Y/n to feel better soon.
He desperately prayed for Y/n to heal.
Please...let her be happy again.
She didn't deserve all the things that happened to her...so please...if ever someone's listening to my prayers...
Please...help Y/n.
--
- Three Days Later -
"COMMANDER!! CAPTAIN!!"
Hanji and Levi were shocked when the door suddenly opened and Floch walked in, panting and sweating.
"What? You look like you're about to shit." Levi sarcasticaly said.
"It's Y/n!!"
Levi dropped the teacup he was holding, letting the cup fall on the ground and break, his tea spilled on the floor. "What...?" Levi muttered.
Hange gritted their teeth, they immediately stood up, leaving their paper works on the table and rushed out of their office. Levi came back to his senses, he muttered a curse under his breath as he followed Hange out.
That brat...
"Where is she now?" Levi asked.
"Jean and Connie rushed her to the hospital...her cut was too deep..."
Floch said.
Levi shook his head.
"Hange, you and Floch go to Y/n first, I'll check her cell." The captain said.
Hange and Floch nod their heads, they separated ways, the two went out of their HQ while Levi went under-ground going to the cells of their HQ.
He arrived at Y/n's cell, he was taken aback upon seeing lots of blood on
Y/n's bedsheet and even on the floor. He saw the broken glass pieces on the sink, it's from the mirror, it has blood and Levi already knows it's surely the one that Y/n used to cut her wrists.
Levi heavily sighed, he held his forehead and kept cussing under his breath. The captain then left to follow Hange and Floch to the city's hospital.
--
(Karanese District, Wall Rose)
Mrs. Kirstein placed a hand on Jean's shoulder. "She'll be fine, Jean-boy..." Mrs. Kirstein said in a low voice.
Her son's sitting om a chair just outside Y/n's room where the doctor and nurses are treating the h/c-haired lady. Jean shut his eyes and gritted his teeth. "Damn it...damn it...I shouldn't have left her alone..." Jean's eyes became glossy as he remembered how Y/n looked so pale and sweating on her bed this morning, her hands dripping with blood from the deep cuts she made on her wrists. "Shit..."
Francis is beside Connie and staring at nowhere with a grim expression, his eyes are swollen and exhausted.
When he heard about what happened to his big sis, the young boy criee out of panic that his big sister might die.
Mrs. Kirstein sat beside Jean.
Mrs. Kirstein hugged her son, trying to comfort the young man so that Jean won't blame himself anymore.
"I thought she was doing okay already, but..." Jean held his head.
"Why...why did she have to do this?"
Mrs. Kirstein just stared down and chose not to say anything because she really don't know what to say, she feels worried for Y/n, and upset, too. Because Y/n tried to follow her mom's footsteps by taking her own life...
"When you feel empty...you just don't find any reason to live...I think that's why she did it. Big sis is tired now, and she can't think of any reason to keep living anymore..." Francis spoke.
Jean, Mrs. Kirstein and Connie stared at Francis with a surprised look.
"Francis..." Jean muttered.
Francis sadly smiled.
His eyes became glossy.
The young boy frowned just to make it appear that he won't cry again.
"I just read it on one of her books...at first I didn't understand it, but now that this happened, I understand very well...when someone's tired they just want to give up and have a long rest. I think that's what big sis wants to do."
Tears streamed down to Francis' cheeks. "But then...why didn't she think of me? Can't she...live for me? I don't want to lose another family..."
No one was able to say anything, Connie sighed heavily and hugged Francis, just like a good older brother he was to his two younger siblings.
Levi, Hange and Floch arrived.
Connie and Jean stood up to salute at their captain and their commander.
Mrs. Kirstein just smiled at the two superiors of the scouts and at Floch.
"How is she?" Levi asked.
"She's still being treated..." Jean said.
Levi and Hange both sighed.
"I...didm't expect her to do it...I can't believe Y/n tried to...kill herself." Hange said in a low voice.
Levi stared at nowhere.
He leaned on the wall
Then put both of his hands on the pockets of his survey corps long, green coat. "Neither did I...she always have been good coping up with all the things she goes through, but I guess... she couldn't take this one anymore..."
They were all alerted when the door of Y/n's hospital room opened, the doctor went out with one nurse.
Jean immediately stood. "How is she?"
The doctor smiled a bit.
"She's fine now. It'a good that you brought her here immediately before losing lots of blood. Though her cuts were deep, it almost took her life, but we were able to treat it. It'll take a days for it to heal but it might also leave a permanent scar on her..."
Everyone sighed in relief, especially Jean who almost lose his mind about what had happened to his best friend.
"For now, we can't let everyone enter her room yet. But we'll allow one person to stay with her inside...who would that be?" The doctor asked.
"Levi?" Hange called the captain.
Levi shook his had. "No. Not me..." Levi looked at Jean. "Jean, you stay with Y/n. I'm sure she'll prefee for you to be by her side when she wakes up."
Jean felt happy that Levi asked him to he with Y/n. "Yes, captain. Thank you."
"How about me? Can I stay here?" Francis asked.
Everyone looked at Francis.
Jean looked at the doctor.
"Doc, can we let Francis inside? He's Y/n's brother. Please...it's just the two of us will that stay with Y/n." Jean said. The doctor pursued his lips, he stared at Francis who looked at him with teary eyes. "Y/n will surely want to see her brother..." Jean added.
The doctor sighed and nod.
"Okay, fine. Just refrain from making any disturbance to the patient."
Francis and Jean smiled in relief.
"Thank you, doctor!" The two said.
--
Tears streamed down to Y/n's cheeks whilst she stare at a field of peonies, a smile crept onto her lips when she saw her mother, uncle, auntie Felicia and her father waving at her. "You guys..."
Y/n run towards her family.
The people who loved her the most.
"Look at how you've grown, Y/n!" Greta said with a wide-smile.
Y/n hugged her mother tight, and broke down in her mother's embrace. "I miss you..." Y/n whispered.
Greta smiled as she hugged her daughter back. "I miss you, too, dear. I'm sorry...for leaving you...my angel."
Y/n shook her head.
She just cried, and hugged her mother.
"It must've been hard, I'm really sorry."
Y/n let go of her mother, Greta cupped her cheeks and wiped her tears, Y/n stared at her mother with teary eyes, memorizing how her mother looks...
"Your mom will melt at how you look at her...and won't you hug me?"
Y/n looked at her father, Fredrickd.
Fredrick chuckled when Y/n jumped on him, hugging him tight. "Dad..."
Fredrick smiled as his eyes became glossy. He's happy that Y/n called him "Dad." For the first time. She finally called him and considered him as her father. "My daughter..." Fredrick said.
Y/n hugged her father tightly.
"I'm sorry..." Y/n muttered.
Francis smiled and shook his head.
He hugged back Y/n. "It's fine...I understand you, dear. I'm not mad at you...I can't get mad at you, never..."
Can...I just stay here?
In this beautiful dream...?
Can this just become a reality?
"Hey! It's my turn to hug my baby!" Fredrick and Greya chuckled when Felicia pulled Y/n from them and adorably embraced her crying niece.
"Oh! How much I missed you, baby!" Felicia said as she showered Y/n with kisses, making Y/n to giggle a little.
"I miss you more, auntie..."
Y/n then looked at Erwin, she smiled at her uncle who hand her three peonies. "Beautiful flowers for my beautiful angel..." The blond-man said, smiling.
Y/n took the three peonies, she teared up once again after Erwin embraced her. "You can't be with us yet, Y/n...you should still live a long life...go back to them...to Francis, Jean, Levi, Hange and to your friends...go back to them."
Y/n closed her eyes, she relaxed into her uncle's embrace. "I can't stay here wirh you...guys?" Y/n asked, tearing up. Erwin sadly smiled and shook his head. "No...not yet." Erwin muttered.
Y/n wiped her tears.
She let go of Erwin and then stared at her family. Her family smiled at her.
"We're proud of you, Y/n..." Greta said.
Y/n smiled as she teared up. "Really?"
Her family nod. Y/n looked down as she wiped her tears. "Please...keep watching over me..." Y/n muttered.
"We will, dear. Always." Fredrick said.
Greta smiled and walked towards Y/n. She held Y/n's shoulder and kissed her daughter's forehead. "We love you.
See you, Y/n...wake up now and live..."
Y/n turned around, wiping her tears as she walks out. I can't stay here...
I can't make this dream come true.
I can't have this...not yet.
Y/n stopped when she sighted a familiar man walking towards her.
Her eyes widened and her mouth lightly parted, her eyes became glossy and her tears streamed down to her cheeks. "Payne..." Y/n muttered.
Payne smiled genuinely at Y/n.
Y/n immediately run towards the blond-guy. Payne let out a small chuckle when Y/n jumped on him and embraced him tightly, he picked Y/n up and embraced her back. "You're such a crybaby, babe. You look ugly when you cry..." Payne jokingly said, making Y/n to laugh yet she's still also tearing up.
Y/n looked at Payne with teary eyes. She smiled upon getting a clear look of Payne's face, the h/c-haired woman traced her fingers onto Payne's face, giving a special gentle touch on his scar on his left eye. "You're beautiful."
Payne smiled and winked at Y/n.
"I know, baby. Since birth."
Payne said in an arrogant tone.
Y/n frowned yet she eventually smiled.
"You're still the same..." Y/n said
Payne nod. "Uh-huh. I am. And I am the Payne that always loved you..."
Y/n closed her eyes.
She cupped Payne's cheeks and leaned their foreheads with each other.
Payne also closed his eyes, tears streamed down to his cheeks, yet a smile was alos plastered on his lips.
"This'll be the last time we'll see each other...but I won't forget you...never. And let me tell you, that you'll always have a special place in my heart...go on with your life and keep living, Y/n..."
Y/n nod her head, Payne put her down, then cupped her cheeks. Her tears fell on her cheeks as Payne gently kissed her on the lips. "Good bye, my love..."
"Good bye, Payne..."
--
Y/n slowly opened her eyes, tears are visible on the side of her face, the h/c-haired lady stared at the ceiling with teary eyes. "It was just my dream..."
"BIG SIS! YOU'RE AWAKE!"
Y/n almost jumped out of shock when she heard Francis' voice, she looked at her side and saw her younger cousin.
"F-Francis..." Y/n said.
Francis started cryinga and hugged her, careful not to bumped onto her bandaged wrists. Y/n's eyes are wide-open as she just let Francis embrace her. "Don't do that again! Don't hurt yourself again! I will get mad! Don't you dare leave me, too!" Francis said.
Y/n blinked twice, her eyes became glossy upon remembering what she did to herself. What was I thinking...? Damn it...I'm such a fool. "I'm sorry..."
Y/n slowly sat up and hugged back Francis, her tears streamed down to her cheeks. I still have someone...my brother and...Y/n looked at the door.
She felt her heart raced upon seeing Jean walked in, holding a tray of food that he dropped out of shock upon seeing Y/n's finally awake. "Y/n..."
Y/n sadly smiled. "Jean...I'm sor--"
Y/n's eyes widened when Jean run towards her, she was surprised when the young man also hugged her, now two boys are hugging her. "You idiot! I thought you will really leave us...!!"
Y/n both hugged Francis and Jean.
She closed her eyes, letting more of her tears to fall down to her cheeks.
"I'm sorry...I won't do it again..."
Even if I have to witness hell again and again...It doesn't matter anymore...
All I care about now is protecting these people who cherishes me.
I just have to...accept the fate.
Whatever it is...just accept it.
And be relieved that right now I still have people in my life...just accept it.
Even if I'm not complete.
Not happy.
Not laughing.
Not hopeful.
Just keep on living in this hell.
Just accept it.
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