Damon
Fuck.
He just had to ruin my moment, didn't he? Everything was fucking perfect. I had her in my arms, like I wanted. Like she needed.
But as soon as I let everything go, I was pulled back to reality. She was smiling and laughing a moment ago but now, a frown replaced it.
Why didn't I just let my phone stay dead, instead of using her charger? If I let it be, I could've gotten us more time. She needed me and I left her where she had been. Alone.
I cursed under my breath and slipped my shirt back on, feeling her gaze but did what I could to avoid it. She was disappointed. This whole situation made me look bad but if she could just be patient with me, I'd tell her everything. I had to find a way. But for the moment, I was so fucking lost.
I stiffened, my back towards her as she sat up. Shame and frustration drifted over me. Letting out a sigh, I finally faced her.
I only got two hours with her. Two hours. And by the look on her face, I knew what she was thinking. It wasn't like that but I couldn't do anything about it. I stared at her, my heart broke even more. I was falling to pieces, watching as she fell apart.
She pulled the blanket to her chest, covering her breasts. Love marks and bruises covered her skin. She pursed her swollen lips, looking up at me with those big doe eyes, filled with hope and disappointment.
Her hair was messy due to everything I did to her moments ago and I hated seeing her this way. She was hurt and I was supposed to make it better. But all I ever did was make it worse. "Baby I promise-"
"You're just going to leave?" Her voice was pained, filled with disbelief and hurt. But also understanding. I didn't deserve any of this. I hurt her and she forgave me every time.
I nodded and looked away ashamed. "I'm sorry."
My phone lit up and a text appeared on the screen. Shit shit shit. Banks just had to do that now. And if things didn't look bad earlier, they looked horrible now.
Unknown number: Are you still coming?
I was going to fucking murder him.
She gasped, looking at the message with hurt and a sense of certainty and it killed me.
"I can explain-"
"Save it," she said, somehow managing to compose herself even through her tears.
I ran a hand down my face in frustration. Clearly I was burnt out and he couldn't even fucking leave me alone. I was conflicted. I already messed up, if I stayed, I'd only make things worse. She needed me but all I ever did was hurt her.
I shook my head, "It's not what you think."
I had to make things right. I'd never forgive myself for leaving like this. Not when I knew she was breaking.
"It's fine," she whispered, clearly thinking the opposite. "I get it." With one hand holding up the blanket, she brought the other to my face and cupped my cheek. Kissing my lips softly. "Just be safe."
She was too good for me. I was taking advantage of her and yet, she was letting me. I just needed time, and I'd get my shit together. She deserved better. She deserved forever and I wanted to be the one to give that to her. "I love you," I told her, needing her to believe me.
"Love you too." My heart clenched in my chest. Maybe I didn't hear the I, maybe I was being paranoid but I swear, when I looked back at her, she was someone else. Her eyes held unbearable pain in them. Inside she was suffering and I only made it worse. She was exhausted and just needed me to hold her. Alas, I was taking every piece of her, draining her to nothing.
Give me time, baby. I wanted to say. Instead, I pressed a kiss to her forehead and left. Without looking back. If I looked back, I'd run back to her arms and make this moment forever. But that wasn't possible.
I sat in my car, staring at her room from afar for a few minutes. Her light turned on and my heart sank. She couldn't sleep. Must be the endless thoughts circling in her head. She thought too much, felt too much. And after the things I've done to her, I was responsible for those tears, those thoughts. I couldn't shake off the way she had looked at me earlier.
The disappointment and disbelief. She was so confident in her thoughts. She'd let them drag her under. And she had every right to. This whole situation was messed up. Trouble followed me everywhere, and so did heartache, pain. All I ever did was make her cry, she took me back every time.
I glanced up to the sky, looking for an answer. Why was this happening to me? Why did I have to ruin everything? We could've had the night to ourselves. Just talking about nothing. Laughing like we used to. Now, she was crying and I was right here, unable to do anything about it.
Knowing she'd stay with me even when things got tough, that thought alone brought a sense of tranquility over me. I wasn't going anywhere, not until I found a way. I hoped she'd take my hand and walk in with me, as the world caved in.
She probably felt used. I felt like shit. Tomorrow, I told myself. I'll figure it out. I'll fix this.
Time wasn't even on my side so my chances were slim. Regardless, I wasn't giving up. We had dreams, lives to live up to. We were meant to be together. It was written in the stars. I wasn't sure how I knew that but whenever I looked up at the sky, I had a feeling.
I saw her shadow move around her room, going to the window. Something pricked my heart as she drew in the curtains. I had her in my arms one moment then the next she slipped away.
"Just wait for me," I whispered, for some reason wishing she could hear me.
Then, I was off again. Angry at the world for doing this to us. Deep down, I was the only one to blame. I got myself in this mess and I was paying the price.
It wasn't even worth it.
I'd rather be with her right now. As I stood in front of the mirror in the change rooms, I thought of her tear stained face. Those bleary eyes. I thought of her sad smile when she kissed my lips, the love in her voice when she told me to be safe. I thought of the trust she has in me slowly breaking, piece by piece. I thought of all the things I wanted to say.
I thought of tomorrow, and how everything was going to be better. Despite all this, the hope living inside me never faltered. I was stubborn, we both were. And I never backed down from a fight. Neither did she. She put up with me for a long time, we'd get through this.
It was going to be her and I, living in a small little house, just for us. Becoming the people we were meant to be and growing old together. Making more and more memories, keeping them alive forever. In another life, we probably already had that. So in this one, it was destined to happen.
I just needed to get this over with.
I had five minutes until it was my turn, after Banks. We were going against some guy. Apparently he was good. Better than us.
I hated this. I hated myself. I hated everything. And if I knew I'd be here three years ago, I would've done everything differently. I would've never gotten myself in this mess if I had known I could lose her. That was the last thing I wanted.
Alas, there I was. Becoming a completely different person. Somewhere though, I was still the boy she loved.
Suddenly, in the darkness, a light pulled me out. My phone lit up and her name appeared on the notification bar. I smiled absentmindedly, checking the message.
Aristotle the great: *picture of Macy lying on her bed with a wild flower in her mouth*
look what she brought me
I chuckled quietly.
Me: i'll get you a whole garden
Me: go to sleep baby
I was worried about her. Sleep was important for everyone, especially her. And the dark circles under her eyes, her pale skin, it was all because of me. I kept her up at night, worrying her sick. Giving her these thoughts. I didn't want to live like this anymore.
Sometimes I wondered if I was away from her, would that make everything better? She seemed happier without me. These past few weeks, I couldn't remember a single time she smiled genuinely with me.
I remembered the way she looked at me, and cried because of me. What the fuck was I doing to her?
I was being completely selfish. She called me because she needed me. Wanting me to just sit with her in her thoughts. But I ruined everything. Brynn's fucking gross perfume made her think I did something. Her assumptions made me angry at everything and I took it out on her. I made love to ber, but I guess for her it was just fucking. I made her feel used.
Then he called me at the wrong time.
I ran a hand down my face, but managed a small smile at what she sent next.
Aristotle the great: I can't
i wish you were here
Me: i take it you're not mad anymore
Aristotle the great: i didn't say that
Me: tomorrow, i'll make it up to you
I've said that too many times. She was probably sick of it. I waited for her to respond but the three dots disappeared and I was alone again. Just as I was about to call her, a knock sounded from the door.
I groaned loudly, putting down my phone. Without waiting for an answer from me, he walked in. The anger in my chest ignited once more. "What?" I spat.
"You're on next."
"No shit."
I took in his appearance. Raising my eyebrows slightly in surprise. His face was messed up and I felt bad. We didn't deserve this. This life, clearly, we weren't going anywhere. At this rate, one of us would end up in jail, the other, most likely dead. It was a fate neither of us wanted so if we worked together, perhaps we could find a way out.
It was coming together. Sure, I hated the guy and he probably hated me. But we were the same. We had lives and big dreams. We were just stuck down here.
For now...
"What happened to your face?" I mused.
He scowled, pushing past me and going over to the counter by the mirror to inspect the damage. "Fuck off."
I chuckled and ignored the pit of dread that formed in my stomach. Walking out of the room, only one thing was on my mind. As I stepped into the ring, the spotlight was on me but I was somewhere else.
Her.
She was mad at me. I hated it. I hated thinking about how she'd go to bed tonight, without me, alone and falling apart. Her last thought would probably be that I used her. I got what I wanted and left. Obviously that wasn't the case. She should know I'd never do that to her.
My chest tightened at the reminders. She thought I cheated. I didn't understand why this was happening. I was in love with that girl, she had to know that. Unless she didn't. I haven't been the best lately, and that was taking her away from me.
It was killing me inside. And slowly, she was falling to pieces. Her thoughts taunted her, nightmares kept her awake, I made her cry. What have I done?
I saw the light in her eyes fade. Felt like a punch to the gut. I couldn't handle it. So as soon as I finish with tonight, I'd go to see her. Or should I give her space? I've already done enough. It'd probably be better for her. Dealing with the bullshit I did to her, she didn't need that. I was tough to love. A person like me, I didn't deserve a happy ending. Everywhere I went, I destroyed everything. Including her heart.
Over the years, she's given me all of her. I was draining her. Day by day, month after month, years went by. She was exhausted.
She didn't need me. But I needed her. It was selfish of me, not like I cared. I just didn't realize I was breaking her in the process. It was reckless, stupid and something in the back of my mind told me to walk away.
I was a nobody. A high school dropout, a failure. I wasn't good for her. Instead of bringing her up, I was dragging her down with me. She had dreams and she deserved to live them. I was only holding her back.
Surely, she knew people talked. She knew about the things they said about me, the things they said about her. Rumours were like weeds. A seed was planted and suddenly, they were everywhere. Growing in variation, destroying everything around. It all started with one.
Someone judged me without knowing me and I got put in a box by society. Most of the things they said were false. But everyone believed them all. Except her.
She wasn't like that.
There was no one like her. Maybe that was a bit biased, since I hated them in general and her, the opposite but she was better than the rest, anyone could see it.
And yet, they talked shit about her. They judged her because she was with me. I remembered everything. The way they whispered in the halls, started rumours about her. She acted like she didn't care, but she did. She cared about everything and everyone too much. Even if they hurt her constantly.
Like me.
The amount of people I wanted to destroy because of what they did to her. I grew angrier and angrier at each thought, taking it out on my opponent. Throwing punch after punch. This was the person I've become. A monster.
If she saw me, she'd leave. All the love she had for me would disappear. Despite being heartfelt, if she knew the type of person I was, if she knew the rumours were really true, I'd lose her.
Then I also knew her. She had a fragile heart but that didn't make her weak. She was the strongest person I knew. I was also aware that she loved me unconditionally. With a heart like that, there wasn't anyone like her. She carried herself with confidence and never let anything get to her. And even though she knew her love for me could ruin her, she loved me anyway.
She got to know the real me and fell in love. Not the boy they said I was, but the boy she knew.
That thought made me relax. Slightly.
There were times that I forgot those things. And there were the memories that make me remember. Like this one time, back in freshman year. I had just asked her to be my date and she wasn't embarrassed of me like I had expected. Instead, she insisted on getting to know me. I loved it, but didn't tell her.
"Where do you usually eat lunch?" she had prompted one day. We were in the hallway, surrounded by people but it was just her and I.
I wasn't sure how to tell her that I left school halfway throughout the day and never came back. I fell into a bad crowd and only came back when I actually needed to. I made an exception, we had physics together so I never missed that. It was the only class I had with her.
"I don't," I replied simply. Her eyebrows pulled in but then just as quick, a smile replaced it and her eyes lit up.
"Do you want to eat with me," she suggested, looking away embarrassed, "sorry, I just usually eat in the library alone or outside." a pause, "That sounds so depressing."
I stifled a laugh, "Your friends?"
She made a face, "I don't want to sit with them."
"Because you don't have any?" I teased, surprising myself.
"Then who are you?"
That day, I found out she wanted to be my friend. I could read her easily and recall the little things she did. The way she'd blush whenever I looked at her or smiled at me in the hallways. It seemed to shine brighter for me. I remembered thinking to myself, she had a crush on me and I was going to make her mine.
And that day, we had lunch together. In the cafeteria. People stared but we didn't care. We were an odd match, a match made in the stars nonetheless. The boy who hated everything, the girl who's heart was big enough for the both of us.
They watched as we fell in love and talked all they wanted. After all, that's how it always ended right? It ended with her and I. The good girl and the bad boy.
But at what cost? It was only a matter of time before the story went out the way it would. Happy or sad. Fairytale or tragedy. Where would we fall when things fell apart?
Then she was gone again. My ears started ringing and everything hurt.
I looked at my surroundings, my stomach dropped. I didn't want to be here. And as I stood there, in front of my opponent, I couldn't see a way out. The whistle blew and the crowd cheered. He threw a punch and I fell back into the vicious cycle.
Constantly, I searched for something. A solution, an exit. Sometimes, I thought to myself, would it be better if I just left? For good. Forever. The stars welcomed me with open arms but I belonged here. With her.
I was so fucking tired. Life was draining me of everything I had. It was taking away the one person I cared about, it was pulling me away from her. And I was letting it. Driven by my own selfishness and anger. It was too loud in here.
She was too far away.
The secrets and burdens grew louder and louder, interrupting our dumb conversations. It would only get louder, heavier and it would destroy us. It already was.
The rest was a blur, someone placed a wad of cash in my hand and cheers and screams erupted around me. I was escorted out of the ring and blocked everything out. I didn't give a fuck. Staring down at the money, I felt guilty.
This was for our future. I was selling my soul to them. If she found out how I got it, would she still want to be with me? The girl who stood up for me, who held her head high with confidence, the girl who made me sit in the library with her and dragged me to bookstores, the girl who melted my heart, who stayed up late to help me study, who never made me feel any less, who made me feel for the first time.
She fell in love with me and one day, she'd fall out of it. Perhaps she already had.
I could feel her falling to pieces as I was. That's the only thing I focused on. The sound of my heart, the feeling of it breaking slowly. This was the side of love that would only kill us. How did we get here?
I went into the room and closed the door behind me. It was quiet but my thoughts were louder. I could breathe now but I was still drowning.
Looking in the mirror, I almost didn't recognize the person staring back at me. He had blood on his hands, an empty look in his eyes. He needed her.
The thought of her made me relax. Everything still hurt though. My arms were sore, my head throbbed, my soul grew too tired. I wanted to give up.
Every night, I'd go to bed, dreaming of a better place, hoping I'd wake up to it or nothing at all.
But then I thought of her, my heart picked up again and the life we wanted, I had to remember it. I thought back to the smile on her face as she told me nothing about everything. I thought of the light in her eyes when I was around, the kindness she showed the world.
I thought of tomorrow and how I would make it all better. I'd find a way out. After all, there was a way in.
As much as I wanted to go home, I couldn't. She was asleep by now, finally at peace. No stress, no me. I didn't want to ruin that.
So I slipped on my shirt and grabbed my bag, walking out of the room. I couldn't stand this place. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I checked my messages for anything from her. Alas, nothing. My chest hurt but okay, I deserved that.
I wrote her a message anyway.
Me: goodnight ari
i love you
don't forget that
There wasn't a reply as expected. A small smile touched my lips as I imagined her passed out cold on her bed, lying on her back with a book on her face. The picture on my phone mocked me. Shaking my head, I made my way to my car and got in. I sat there for a few moments, allowing myself a second to process everything.
Things changed between us. I saw it in her eyes earlier.
I had to fix this before she was completely gone. I had less than five months to make this right. Time was running out, we grew older. Soon, she'd graduate and I wondered where that would leave us? Because our forever was falling to pieces.
I had to put it back together before that happened.