CHAPTER SONG - I Don't Want To Live Forever - ZAYN
Lina
It has to be at least eighty degrees, at least. In the middle of May. Lord, can you hear me? I would like some cooler weather please. I'm tried of feeling like a fried pickle all the time.
I said the prayer as I stood at the edge of the parking lot, scanning the crowd of people in front of me. A box of cookie's tucked underneath my arm, as the entry fee. I was told not to go in alone. Not without a Ramos, or Vallero next to me. And sue me, but I wouldn't go in there without one of them even if they didn't tell me this, repeatedly.
On the edge of the cliff stood the youngest Ramos son. In white swimming trunks that had bright pink flamingos on them, and a grin so wide that it made me question how many cookies he already ate. He had to be on a sugar high. Expect, Ash was practically always on a sugar high, like a sugar cookie.
I pulled my phone out quickly, changing his contact's name to sugar cookie. A grin on my face as I pushed my phone back into my pocket and looked back up at him. I swung my head behind me, checking for another familiar face and came up with none. Sara couldn't come, despite my internal begging. Eventually she did tell me that if I really wanted, she would sneak out of the house. I told her not too. I didn't want her to get in trouble, especially for me. She would, if I asked. I wouldn't.
So, here I am. At the edge of Devil's hole, staring at about three hundred high school students. All laughing, talking, jumping off the cliff, and drinking. Majorly drinking. Some of them even stumbled by me, and I had to move aside so I don't get trampled.
I could have not come, I debated that for a long time. And yet, here I am. Ash asked me to come, and I told him I would try. Much to my discomfort. He didn't push me and kept reminded me that if I didn't want too, I didn't have too. Still, that lit smile on his face, and those excited eyes when I told him I would come totally made me a sucker because I was here. Even if I rather be anywhere else. Anywhere else.
I sighed, switching legs as I stood there, still watching all my classmates. They were enjoying themselves, me? Hardly. I was frying.
"There you are, Christ, try to hide a little harder next time why don't you."
I spun, almost tripping over my own feet and faced Maddox. "You told me to wait!" I scowled. He was one of the once that told me to stay, several time.
He too came ready to party, in light blue trunk's and no shirt. Plus, a box of cookies because can't forget those. No shirt, did I mention that? His usual blond hair, styled upwards, in a carefree matter that made him look incredibly effortless attractive. Plus, those pale grey eye's in the bright light looked like storm's fading away into clear skies. No shirt, did I mention that? Well, I'm mentioning it again.
Lord? It's me again. I know your terribly tired of hearing my squeaky voice at this point but hear me out... did you really have to feed his ego with the good looks? Couldn't you give him a single facial flaw? Just one...
Maddox squinted his eyes at me. "I know we told you wait, but no one told you to hide in the fucken bushes. It took me at least five minutes to find you. Damn girl, you're like a little ninja."
"Or you have terrible eyes sight because I haven't moved since I got here. And I'm not in the bushes, I'm by them." I scoffed, eyeing the bushes, then him. I was a little close to them..
He lifted his hand, grabbing the sunglasses that sat on top of his head and dropped them to his eyes, hiding those sea stormed eyes. Maddox, well, his something. Ripped body, curved arms, tones abs (on full display) and built chest. The point is, Lord, really?
He reached for his hair, messing it around. "Your being rude. I gave you a sweet compliment."
I glanced over my shoulder. Please tell me someone else is on their way because I cannot with this man. "The ninja comment? That's not a compliment." I sighed, glancing up at his tussled hair, "Why does your hair always look so---" I shook my head, turning back to the cliff.
Maddox fake gasped. "Was that an almost compliment I was about to get?"
I ignored him, watching Ash mess around on the edge as people gathered around him, cheering for him to jump. Ash on the other hand was making an episode of the Ash show. Swaying back and forth, laughing so hard I could hear the deepest of his carefree laugher from here. He hopped from one leg to the other, pretending to almost jump.
Maddox nudge me. "Come on sweetheart, finish your compliment. I'm dying to hear it."
"Are you fishing for compliments?" I asked, watching Ash sway forwards. And right when he was about to sway backwards, Lily zoomed at him with full force. Slamming into him, she took him over the edge with herself. Their screamed echoed off the rock and got submerged in the water with a large splash. "Fishing? No sweetheart. Do I looked like the kind of guy to fish? We might live in Texas but you won't see me ever holding those slimy fuckers." he shuttered at the thought.
I chuckled lightly. "Then what exactly would you call this, Madds?"
He lifted his finger, tapping his jaw before snapping his fingers. "A compliment between friends. That's a thing, right? Friend's give each other compliments."
I turned to face him directly now. Maddox's and I had the type of relationship I expected siblings to have. We bicker, put up with each other but don't necessarily like each other. Well, I don't mind him, oddly enough I have come around to him. I think in his position though if it weren't for Mateo's so-called protection over me, then Maddox wouldn't have looked in my direction twice. Probably not even once's. He just stays around because of Mateo.
That didn't stop us from annoying each other. I wouldn't tell him this, but I liked it. Made me feel like in some dumb way, I had a brother. His what I expected an older brother to act like. Doesn't really like me but protects and annoys me. I never had that, and experiencing it, even though Maddox I find myself cherishing it. Or maybe it was the constant company?
I titled my head up to look at him, and him having inch's on me is also not fair. Waving my pointer finger at him I said, "First. Friends? Debatable." I lifted my middle finger, "Two, your ninja comment is not a compliment. It makes me sound like a sneaky killer that carries around num-chuks." Did ninja's carry around num-chuks?
He regarded me for a second before nodding to himself as if what I said made sense. "Your right. I like your dress. Makes you looks fucken eatable. There—" he made an exploding gesture with his hands, "Compliment."
I stared at him, unblinking. That's a compliment. A questionable one, but a compliment either way. The eatable part almost made me want to wrinkle my nose at him, but I just stood, looking up at him with a little bit of shock. My dress was nice though. It was a short white dress with faded blue floral print and a lightly ruffled hem. The straps tied into small bows were also real cute. Along with my white sneakers and my hair tired up in a high ponytail, I looked like an orange cutie. Just blue. A blue cutie. Wait, okay, that makes no sense. The fruit was what I was talking about, a cutie.
I shook my head trying to unconfuse myself. "Fine." I said, messing with the hem of my dress now. I glanced over him, trying to come up with a complaint. Heck, I could give him a million but what is small enough to not feed his monstrous ego more?
He leaned forward coming incredibly close for my liking. "Come on sweetheart. It's not that hard. You can't tell me there isn't one thing about me that turns you on...makes you a little hot and.."
I lifted my hand, palm to his face to stop him. "Fine. Your hair look's nice, as usual."
His grin grew so big on his face that his cheeks stretched, and behind his shadowed glasses, his eyes grew wide,. "My hair?" he repeated, more to himself before finally pulling away, "I'll take it. That's the nicest thing you have ever said to me. I'll be cherishing it forever. Holding it to the heart and all the shit." he said, putting his palm to his bare chest and then fanning himself.
I rolled my eyes, turning away from him. "Don't expect more from me." I shook my head.
Maddox isn't all bad, but the guy knows how to push all the right buttons and even those button's that aren't there, he builds them in. Sometimes, a little sarcastic, but you get use to it. The guy had at least several different personalities. His got his carefree, upbeat one. His got his serious, clever one. And, his got his moody, narcissistic one. He flips between those personalities like his not sure which of them is really his.
His moods oddly enough revolve around Mateo's moods. When one was in a bad mood, the other was too. It went both ways too. The other day, Maddox was annoyed about everything and anything and a few minutes later, Mateo followed him. It's like their linked. Maybe that's their superpower, like sensing each other moods. Is that a thing? Didn't matter, those two were in sync with each other, always.
Then Maddox has this savage like personality. He holds this lack of empathy in his eyes, like someone has scuffed out any humanity in them and replaced it with nothing but desire to see the world shatter in his hands. His face turns to stone, and his emotion's are masked by darken void. Those grey eyes of his that usual hold hints of sky blue in them, they turn into ruthless tornados, with storm's brewing in the distance.
It's almost frightening to see him like that. It's only happened once, but it was enough for me to remember it. It was like a locked beast behind his eye's broke loss, and there was no way he would leave, not without causing some horror.
Even now, I shivered, remembering Maddox's mood the other week. I remember walking a good two feet away from him as he led me to class. He didn't say a word, nor did I.
"What's kickin, little chicken!"
I turned, seeing Ash sprint in our direction. Dripping wet, a smile plastered on his angel looking face, and shaking his hair around like a wet dog. Though he was no angel, he was more like the king of chaos and beauty. A little like Hades if you ask me. And mini Hades came to a halt in front of us with one of his mischief grins. "You came!" he sung cheerfully, as Maddox backed up, wiping away some of the wet drops off his naked chest.
He scowled at him, mumbling something I didn't catch because I chuckled, and extending the box of cookies with a smile. "Happy birthday, Ash."
He stared at the box I was holding, and the grin on his face I swear grew. You could say to the size of Mt. Rainer, but even that didn't feel big enough. It sharpened out of the edges of his jaw and rounded his whiskey light eyes. Beside me, Maddox grumbled, "Fucken hell."
Before I could question him, Ash leaped forward and snatched the box away from me. I watched him tear it apart like I just handed him a brand-new toy that he has been begging for, for months. He shoved his hand in the torn box. "Oh yeah sugar cup! You got the goodies."
He grabbed a cookie, spinning away from us. "Looky here!" he waving the box of cookies at Lily who was trailing up the side of the cliff. She was pulling at her platinum hair, trying to get the water out of it and raised a crooked smile at him. "Are you going to share those?" she asked, giving up on her wet light-toned hair and moving it to the side.
Ash swung his head back and forth. "What kind of veil question is that? You know the answer."
Her lips raised another quarter inch before she chuckled. "Don't throw up Ash, I'm not cleaning up after you, again." she warned him, but Ash was already munching on a cookie, mouth full as he grinned at her.
She shook her head at him before turning her attention at me. The bright pink two piece she wore made her look like a supermodel, even at such a young age. Just standing in front of her, you would never guess she was only fifteen. She would never let anyone believe it either. The rim of her eyes deeply brilliant, intimidating in their own way. "Head's up—" she said, pointing her finger at Ash, "We don't give Ash thin mint's. His banned for life without supervision."
I cleared my throat, my smiled slipping. "I'm sorry, I didn't know." I replied meekly, glancing at Maddox for some sort of help because Lily still scared the bejesus out of me. But Maddox was busy watching Ash with an amused look. And I sighed, looking back at Lily who I was still highly on edge with.
Maddox did mention that Lily is just like that. That she very blunt, and careless with her words. That she isn't nice to anyone beside the people she cares about, and that was something I learned the hard way. She was definitely one of those people that could walk into a job presentation and walk out the CEO of the company. Mateo also said that if she's mean to me that I should tell her to fuck off. I wouldn't. I would never. Avoiding her sounded like a better plan, and I was going to stick to it like glitter to anything it touches.
Lily shrugged, leaping forward and grabbing the box of cookies from Ash well he was being distracted by Maddox wagging his finger at him. Which made Ash gasped, and lung back at her to get them back. "You didn't know. Its fine. Ash ate so many one time that he threw up. We limit him now, because clearly, he doesn't know when to stop. A box is fine." she replied, directing her words to me as she dodged Ash.
They circled each other for a second, but Ash was quicker and caught her before throwing her over his shoulder. "Give them here." he whined, but she waved the box away, hiding it behind his back.
"Limit, Ash. Do you remember promising to follow the rules? I'll be in charge of them."
"Fuck rules." Ash groaned, "I just want the cookies."
Maddox watched them with amusement argue between themselves. I still think they are super cute, but I guess they are family. Although, do they share blood? I leaned toward Maddox. "Are you related with Mateo's family by blood?"
He shook his head, eyeing his little sister who was wiggling around and trying to get down. Which Ash didn't take too kindly and bit of her shoulder, making her squeal. "Are you fucking with me? I will chuck them so far off this cliff." she threatened, smacking his bare back.
He gasped, tightening his hold on her. "You would never, firefly. I'll never forgive you for something so cruel. Take my arms, legs, and heart but not the cookies. Please Lil's not the cookies." he begged her, an expression on his face full of worry as if she would actually hurt him like that. The one thing I learned about Lily is that she would split her of wrist before hurting Ash. So, his worry is needless.
On his back, she huffed swatting him again, and they continued to argue. And finally Maddox turned his head to look at me and replied, "No. We aren't blood related, but we are family. Blood isn't the only thing that can bond people into a family."
I regarded him for a second as he turned back to his sister. His right. Sometimes even blood isn't enough to actually be considered family. Or to keep a family together. Sometimes, blood family can be a million times worse. Can cause more pain and hurt then anyone else. Blood doesn't make family. Loyally, love, support, and endless strength makes family.
I turned back to the two teenagers in front of us who both had their feet planted on the ground now. And Ash held up two fingers. "Just two." he pouted.
Lily shook her head. "One."
"Two."
"One."
Ash inched closer to Lily. "Two because I'm the birthday boy." he said, wiggling his brows at her. She tried and failed to not smile up at him. And even though she was shorter then him, she stood next to him as his equal. And with dramatic sigh she gave in. "Fine. Two because you're the cute birthday boy with no understanding of limitation."
Ash sprung forehead, grabbing her by the waist and spinning her around. "You're the best of the best, firefly." he sung, making her laugh. It's cute, that only Ash could get her to drop her tough act. It's as if she took the world head on, glaring with promised cruelly at the rim of her stare. Then, Ash walks in, and all her walls shatter to revel the hopeful girl hiding behind the deadly stare.
Ash set her down, and she dug into the box. "Okay. Here, two." she said, handing them too him before turning back to us and saying, "I'm giving the box to a trusted person that won't fall for the rest of his manipulation. Kirsan."
"Which I see you have fallen for, per usual. You talk about his lack of self-control, and yet you exhibit the same lack of control with him. It's really hypocritical of you in all aspects. Partly weak, also. This form of adoration you have for my brother will one day find a way of haunting you."
I spun around as Kirsan approached us, Aster beside him smiling and waving at us. I lifted my hand, waving back at her. She looked adorable in her floral mini shirt and cropped white top. Innocence in her look, and brightness in her eyes as she glanced up at the sky, a smile dancing on her lips. Her chestnut hair pulled up into a bun, and the sides loosely falling in front.
She stopped beside Lily and glanced over at her brother who was finishing off his last cookie. "Little monster, happy birthday."
"Thanks, star. And for the cake, is was Absolutamente delicioso." he grinned at her, whipping his hands on his shorts.
Kirsan stopped beside me, standing tall in black swimming trunks and a loose shirt. Which can I mention his the only one so far? Thank goodness for that because I'm still trying to get use to Maddox shirtless and next to me. Standing so careless, and relaxed that I'm wondering how high his self confidence has to be. Much higher then mine, for sure.
Lily waved her hand at him. "If the day comes where I am hunted by my love for your brother, so be it. I am made of steel and power that doesn't bend or melt. I will not be afraid of being hunted, because I will do the hunting." she replied with pure confidence lacing her tone. And Maddox groaned. "When the day comes that you start hunting, we are all fucked."
She winked at him. "You sure you aren't already?"
Kirsan eyed her though a thick haze of misunderstanding, as if she made no sense to him, or her love for his brother more like. I tried to understand what she means by that too, but honestly, I was lost. Kirsan on the other hand seemed to understand exactly what she meant, no, that's not what confused him. It's that she felt it at all, and how that was possible is what confused him. Love, its was a mystery to him. But despite his lack of understanding, he nodded and grabbed the box of cookies she handed him. Tucking it under his arm, he turned his attention toward his brother. "How much has he had?"
Ash licked his finger. "Only four, brother, not even remotely enough for it to be enough."
"It's enough." Kirsan sighed before looking at me and greeting me. I replied with my own hello. And it looks like now we were only missing one more Ramos, the one I kind of wanted here the most.
Everyone went back to talking among themselves' as I stood there. On the outside. Which is fine, I'm used to being here at this point. Maybe it's my fault and I should interact more, but I don't. I've never been the one to be out going, or social. I was lucky I even made Sara as a friend, not to mention all of those people in front of me.
I used to try. I would go up to a group of people and try to insert myself among them. Try to find things in common and be friends with my peers. But that was in elementary, and middle school and I'll never forget how it felt. I wanted to puke. I wanted to wither away. I wanted the ground to open up underneath me and swallow me whole. Eventually, I stopped trying because trying was worse than not. I had Sara, and that was enough. I was secure with that because I had my family too. Then that fell apart.
I love Sara with my full heart but she doesn't replace the empty hole my dad left. She doesn't fill the void or unfreeze the numbness. She's not supposed too. She supposes to be my friend and love me, and she does. She's not supposed to replace my family. But if no one replaces them, then what? I'm left without a family? For how long? Because I don't know how much longer I can be alone.
I was still lost in thought when I heard the deep growl of a bike shut off. I turned, squinting my eyes from the sun and brought my hand over them. I could make out enough of him to figure who it was. And instead of swimming shorts, he wore regular black short's that stopped mid-thigh. Radiant white sneakers and a loose grey shirt that was rolled up on his biceps to the point that I could see the hints of his tattoo on his forearm.
He climbed off the bike, wearing a black backpack around his broad shoulders. And my stomach flutter as he stopped beside his bike and shook his head around, fixing his jet hair. His eyes bounced up, searching for us as the butterflies in my stomach twirled like they were ballerinas doing a full show.
He ran his long fingers through his coal black hair as he continued to look around. And I wouldn't tell anyone this, but my breath caught at the back of my throat as I watched him. He was like a cold wolf. It's what I have determined he is. A black coat, forest eyed, expressionless wolf. He doesn't bark, he bits. He didn't warn, he attacked. He doesn't hide, he comes to the fight. He doesn't follow, he leads. He might hide behind sheep skin, but he was the most dangerous predator. And here I was, a rabbit.
Finally, he found us and started walking in our direction. Shoulders pulled back, back steeled, expression blank, and determination in ever commanding step he took closer to us. He was everything I wasn't. He was dominant, powerful, untouchable, and really, really intense. And I just couldn't pull my eyes away from him because he was incredible in every way. Shamelessly, I stared at him up until he halted beside Maddox and making me jerk away my gaze. Now, I felt my cheek's burning and Maddox of course had to hop on the train of embarrassing me. "Have you no shame?" he murmured for only me to hear.
I shot him a coldish look. "Zip it." I mumbled, before dropping my gaze away from him. I was blushing, I knew this. I probably looked like a tomato at this point. Inhaling deeply, I hopped it would calm my insides. It didn't in case anyone is curious.
"You didn't bring cookies." Ash said, eyeing his brother who stood on the other side of Maddox and had just said hello to everyone. I mumbled something inaudible back at his greeting, that I know. Which made him look over at me, and I gave him my best nod and flushed smile. He eyed that for a second, curiosity in his forest eyes before looking back to his brother. "I gave you a whole pack of cookie's this morning."
Ash shrugged. "That was this morning, dude." he said, catching Lily by her thigh's as she climbed up his back, trying to holster herself up on his shoulders. His actions, and movement so effortless as if his just use to it.
Mateo sighed, pulling his backpack off his shoulder and unzipping his backpack. "Fine. I'm giving you those, but only one box." he told him, pulled a box of thin mints out.
"NO!" Lily screamed, grabbing into Ash's hair and holding on for her dear life as he lunged forward. But Maddox jumped forward body blocking Mateo, his arms shooting up to steady his sister. Even Kirsan took a step towards his younger brother. And behind Maddox, Mateo swore, "Dios mío, what the fuck has got into all of you?" he asked, taking a step away from Maddox and eyeing all of them.
I raised my hand in the air, waving it around to get noticed and Mateo glanced at me, a smile catching on his lips. I cleared my throat. "I sort of didn't know about this rule you all had and gave him a box. I apologize for that." I said, dropped my eyes, feeling like I did something wrong. Then slowly, I lifted my gaze back up to Mateo again. He was already looking at me; lips titled up into a half smile that warmed my insides. Like a weighted down blanket, it took away all the discomfort I felt. It took all the anxiety in the back of my head, and diminished it.
My smile grew, easier now and he looked back at Ash who was holding Lily's leg. Something till me there was no way he would have let her fall, no matter how hard he eyeing the box of cookies his brother was holding. Mateo chuckled. "Well fuck."
Ash shook his head, pointing at the box of cookies and said, "Those are mine. You brought them for me. You can't keep them now. You can't take presents back. It's not socially acceptable."
Mateo lifted the box, waving it around. "These?" he asked, as Ash's gaze bounced between the box and his brother, as if the cookies were something special. "Those." he repeated slower, eyeing his brother with a hard glare.
Mateo's smile turned into a grin as he tossed the box up into the air and Ash sprung forward, catching it with a huff. His gaze bounced up at his older brother with so much excitement that it made me smile. But Lily groaned. "And you say I'm the bad influence."
Mateo rolled his eyes, hiking his backpack back onto his shoulder. "It's two boxes. He will be fine. He will limit himself, right Ash?"
Ash nodded. "Right." he replied, completely sure of himself. Seems like everyone else wasn't so sure. But you know what? I'm team Ash. I believe in him.
Mateo turned to look at me. "Hi, love."
I felt myself almost melt into a puddle. The heat, his half smile, soft eyes, and sweet words were hitting me hard. I love that nickname, more than I expected too. Or maybe I just liked the person saying it a little too much. Because I loved the way it came off his lips, and from the back of his throat in rumbled. I loved that it felt like his full attention cuddled me, and his tone dropped a notch in the softest way. I loved the way his lips titled up, and his accent inched out. I loved that word, and I loved when he was the one using it.
My greeting was meeker than any word his ever said. "Hi."
Maddox leaned over to Mateo, eyeing a girl that walked past in a white bikini. "See yeah." he said, smiling at the girl who threw him a wink over her shoulder. And he jerked his head at Kirsan, who followed with him after the girl. Then, everyone parted there own ways, leaving us alone.
Mateo turned sideways. "Come on then." he said.
I came up beside him. "Where too?"
He started walking, and with every step his hand would brush against mine. "Away from here, unless you want to stay?" he glanced at me, worry brushing his gaze.
I didn't. I came only for Ash. Now that his seen me, I was more than happy to get away from all of those people. Getting away with Mateo sounded like an even better plan. The best plan. "Let's go. But you don't want to grab a drink or something?" I said, glancing around and noticing almost everyone having something in their hand. Seems everyone was half drunk or getting there. Some were fully drunk now, stumbling around like clueless pinguins. But Mateo shook his head. "I don't drink. If you want something I can grab you something?"
I shook my head, declining his offer. I didn't like alcohol much. I don't like the way it affects me. The dizziness, the slowness, or even the haziness. I rather be fully alert, fully aware of everything going on around me. Plus, the after math is no fun. How can anyone like having a killer headache the next morning, beats me. "Why don't you drink?" I asked, wondering if it was the same reason as mine.
He titled his head, regarding me for a second before clearing his throat. "Confession?"
Excitement filled my tummy and I nodded, smiling up at him as his hand brushed against mine again and made me flush. He looked away, leading us further from the crowd of kids. "I have alcoholism in my genes. When I started high school, my parents sat me down and explain that. No one banned me from it, but I was warned." he shrugged, "I guess I rather not put that too chance."
That made sense. "Your dad or mom?"
"Mom." he answered, confidently like it wasn't something he was ashamed of and good for him. Stand tall and proud. I know from his words that his parents are loving and caring so I'm assuming that she's a recovering alcoholic. It's not something I assume is easy to go through either, so good for her.
We walked up the side of the cliff beside each other, and the music starting to fade from the party the further we got. And it was time for my own confession. I thought about it for a second, wondering if I want to tell him what happen last night. At almost ten pm I got a phone call. One I didn't expect, and one that I still wasn't sure how I felt about.
He glanced at me, confused by my silence. We have played this game enough to know how it goes. He goes, or me, and then the other goes. But I glanced down at the ground, because I wanting to tell him the one confession I haven't told anyone. Not my mom, not Emma. But Mateo, I trusted, even if that frightened me. So I took a breath. "My dad called me this last night."
His pace slowed, and I had to slow down too. He stayed silent for a second, and I wonder if he had no idea what to say just like me. If this confused him as much as it confused me. The phone call left me hazy without the alcohol. It also left me with no sleep. Not even a single minute so I knew that haziness might be coming from that. Mainly though, the phone call left me confused. Why now? Why after all this time? Where has he been? What has he been doing? All he told me was he wanted to meet with me. Grab coffee he said, but it was more than that to me. I spend a year lost beyond words with this whole situation and now he calls out of the blue. To chat. I had a lot of nasty word's in my mind, and I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't feel this angry with him because this anger was eating me alive.
Mateo cleared his throat, picking up his pace again, . "What did he want?"
I shrugged. Who knows? I wish I knew. "To grab coffee."
"You don't have to go; you know that, right?"
I shook my head. I did have to go. Not going was mean. It would also leave me without those burning answers. Plus, he was my dad. And no matter what he did, no matter how much hurt he left behind and no matter how much he crushed me, he was my dad. I felt like I owed him my time, and the chance to explain himself. Even if logically in my mind I understood, I owed him nothing.
"Love, if you aren't comfortable with going, you don't have too. You aren't obligated to make him feel okay for what he did. Do what is right for you."
"That mean." I whispered as we came to a stop on the top on the hill. The cliff beside us, and the crowd far enough to see but not hear. All I could hear was the water below the cliff, and the wind swaying it. The view was beautiful, breathtaking even but the calm breeze was what topped it.
Mateo shook his head, turning to me. "It's not mean. It's self care. This is about how you feel, about what you want. His your father, but his actions are his own and what he did hurt you. You don't have to make him feel better by going. This is about you, not him. If you don't want to see him, don't. It's okay to be selfish, love. You don't have to make everyone around you feel good, and forget about yourself."
I inhaled, looking up at him. His right, I know this. My dad hurt me in ways I couldn't think about. He did the unthinkable. He left. He left me. His daughter, who loved him, who looked up to him. He left me like I was nothing. And I know going there is going to open the wound again and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. But Mateo is right, the decision should be mine. It wasn't about him. It was about me. Now, I just have to decide wither the answer's were worth the hurt I knew I would face if I went.
He stepped forward, grabbing my hand's and holding them between us. And with a look of pure determination he said, "Promise me you'll only go if you chose that's what's best for you. Promise me you'll choose yourself."
That seemed to easy, choosing myself. Heck, it should be the first thing I do and yet I knew it wasn't what I ever did. I hated that, hated that I was even my own second choose. I wanted someone to pick me. Someone to look at me like I matter. Someone who wouldn't walk out. I wanted to be loved like I loved everyone around me. With that in mind, I decide to do something I haven't in a long time. I decide to make something about me. Instead of thinking about everyone else feeling's I was ignoring them. I was putting me first.
"Okay." I said, feeling a weight lift off me. "I'll only go if I want."
"And you won't go alone." he said. The rims of his eyes a shade of olive green, soft and looking at me like I mattered. Like my feelings, my thought, my dreams, they all mattered. That look threw me back a little, catching the breath that was so desperate to get out of me. Because did I really matter to him?
I sucked in a breath. "Take who?"
I can't ask my mom to come. I wasn't even sure I wanted to tell her my dad called. Emma would never let me go to begin with and would go by herself. She would probably use all the colorful words she knew too. And Sara, I couldn't pull her into this. I didn't want her to feel sorry for me. I wasn't ready for her to know how really messed up this whole situation was.
Mateo paused for a second, regarding me and I realized how pathetic that question was. He knows I have no one to go with me. It wasn't a secret, but it wasn't something I acknowledged out loud either. Anger slammed into his eyes, before vanishing just as quickly, and leaving nothing but soft green hues. He squeezed my hands. "Me. Take me. I'll go with you."
I shook my head. "Mateo, I can't take you. You have already done so much for me; I can't keep using you like that."
He made a noise, something between a groan and a growl. In came from the back of his throat, and made my insides heat. Then he released a slow breath, as if he needed a second to get himself right, and I wanted to ask why. But mainly, I wanted to ask why he cared so much. His the first in so long, and somewhere in the back of my mind I can hear Emma's speech about his motives. Calmly, with a leveled out tone he responded, "You deserve someone to use. Someone who will have your back, and someone who will care about you. So use me. I told you that you had me, and I meant it. I don't care what it is, you have me. I promised you I would protect you and this is it. Use me love, use me in any way you need but don't go by yourself."
Use me. Gosh. His words were too sweet, to kind and I found them settling nicely in the back of my mind. So dulcet, so pleasant, so tender they sung in my mind. I blinked at him. At the guy that walked into my life like a tornado but brought a wave of stillness and restfulness that I needed. Someone who I feared so much, because the moment his gone I know it will be a heartbreak that will shatter my heart.
He waited for me to answer, his gaze wavering in determination and worry. But I wanted to take him, because as foolish as it was I trusted him. I didn't want to go alone. It frightened me to levels I didn't know existed but going with him, I knew I could. I could face my dad if Mateo was by my side, if it's something I decide to do. Nothing but kind reassurance sat on his face, and I needed that. I needed him to be the wolf he was, and I would hide behind him. Behind him, I was safe. He wouldn't let anyone touch me and I believed that whole heartedly. "Ok." I nodded, "Please come with me." Lord? Thank you.