NIRASHA: loss of hope, deep sadness
"So, you feel that they have something more than a friendship?" Ishika inquired after making me hold for a minute as she was attending to a customer.
"Yeah... it seems like that," I muttered brushing off the dust from the bookshelf. I had forced myself to clean the study room.
"Are you sad with the conclusion?" She inquired further and that was another reason I wanted to have a conversation with Ishika. She would ask me the question, I needed to ask myself.
"I don't know..." I shook my head placing the book back in its place. "It would have been better if I was either happy or sad but I am just neutral." I wasn't able to narrate things happening with my heart. "Maybe I just worried..." I turned away from the bookshelf walking towards the nearest window. "I don't want to be a hurdle if there is anything but I don't want to deprive Aarush of the love he had got used to."
"Don't tell me you're planning to allow that woman to get between you two?" Her voice was extra loud maybe grabbing the attention of her customer. "You can't be doing that thing with yourself or Aarush, Aru." She sounded stern as if scolding me for unappropriated thoughts.
"Ishu, I can't be more selfish." I shook my head. "I had taken advantage of his kindness, his nice nature. I can't deprive him of love due to my need." I stared at the beautiful open sky before me. The sun settling and giving way to the moon. "I can take care of my son and I don't want to..." I was interrupted by a loud growl making me turn myself towards the source in horror.
My eyes met with a set of brown orbs. The grimness covered his spirit. A sudden wish of glancing at the free-spirited Yash around Yukta knocked my heart. I was amazed by my desire. He took long strikes towards me, his orbs radiating rage. He was furious, had he listened to the conversation?
"Aru, are you there?" Ishika sounded concerned when I didn't respond for a minute but before I could answer her the cell was snatched from my hand.
"Ishika..." His voice was deep, low dangerous making me stare at the floor beneath us. "I need to have a conversation with my wife..." I jerked my head up. Him calling me his wife was something new. My eyes widen in surprise but his orbs were trained on me with fury. "I hope you don't mind..." it was a demand and soon he hung the call not for once listening to the response on the other hand.
"So," he took another step towards me. "What were you having a conversation about?" His piercing orbs burned a hole into my soul. I gulped seeing him burning in anger. It wasn't like I wasn't aware of his temper. Often he had yelled at his employee for the smallest mistake but that side of his was hidden from his family. Never had he lost his patience on Aarush or me.
I took a step backwards getting intimidated by his fury. "Hadn't I voiced it enough?" He interrogated getting an inch closer to me, erasing the gap I had succeeded to plant. "Hadn't I uttered, Aarush or you could never be a burden to me." His voice was low yet had the rage overpowering him.
My back banged with the window frame making me locked between the wall and Yash. His hands slowly reached towards my cheek. "Four years Aarohi..." his face was emotionless while his eyes depicted misery. "And still you can't accept me a part of the family, a part of our family..." he paused for a minute closing his eyes in defeat as emotions were having control over him. "Is it that difficult to accept me?" And those words indicated that he was shattered from within. His hands crumbled into a ball before they could touch my cheek.
He opened his eyes those orbs staring at me with coldness. He took a step back from me. "If you want no connection involved with me I don't give a damn." He paused and stared straight into my orbs. "But don't you dare to distant my son from me, I won't ever forgive you for it." And with that as a warning, he soon walked away from the room leaving me alone to process what took place a minute back.
He seemed devasted, the longingness, and desire were visible in those orbs. As well as rage! I wasn't sure which part of my conversation he had heard but it had fueled him with fury. He was mad at me... Mad at the thought of Aarush being distant from him but I wasn't planning it. I wanted to provide him with the happiness he deserved and I was confident that I couldn't offer him it myself.
Soon, I walked into the Aarush room to find it totally messed up. I shook my head glaring at the culprit who was busy destroying another bed sheet. "Aarush!" My voice jerked him in surprise and he hide the pen behind his back.
"Hadn't I mentioned to you not to write on the bedsheet?" I glared at him for which he offered me a sheepish smile.
"I forgot..." he bit his tongue trying to act innocent.
"I am not coming in your act." I walked inside. "You're four years old and big enough to understand that it would spoil the sheet."
"Not four Mumma, just three and a half." He corrected me getting annoyed that I had increased his age. He wanted to be considered a kid in some situation like once he was witnessing.
"Yeah, three and a half but big enough to start impressing a girl." I mocked him, the notion of him trying to impress a girl at such an age wasn't sitting well with me.
"Impress?" His curious orbs stared at me for an explanation.
"Nothing!" I shook my head vigorously cursing myself for uttering those words before him.
"No! Mumma, what does it means to impress?" And his stubborn self wasn't allowing him to overlook the word.
"Impress means trying to make someone like you." Came an explanation and I found Yash standing at the entrance, glancing at Aarush with an amused look. "Who is impressing whom?" He inquired getting inside the room. Totally ignoring my presence in it.
"None!" He grinned at his father and jumped from the bed reaching for him. "Have you ever impressed anyone, Dada?" He inquired behaving the curious self he was. I shook my head, trying to put the toys in their assigned place.
"Many..." Unintentionally I was getting interested in the conversation they were having. Maybe I wanted to know whether he had some interest in Yukta.
"Who were they? Were they cute girls like Pihu?" I rolled my eyes trying to hold back my annoyance. But unlike me, Yash chuckled loudly. I turned to glance at them, Aarush was in Yash's arms as he moved his head backwards as he laughed at his son's curious interrogation. He seemed so himself at that moment. The same carefree, friendly Yash was back nothing like he acted towards me.
I could never believe he loved my company. He cared for me and was an ideal husband anyone could wish for but liking or loving someone was different. He shared no such feeling towards me and that realisation made me sigh in relief.
"Yes, they were cute as well as beautiful." He mentioned making me look away from him. I grabbed the toys assembling them in the nearest cupboard.
"Did you always succeed? Will it help me to befriend Pihu?" Aarush was getting excited making me annoyed.
"No, you won't always succeed. Some are hard to crack... even after years of attempts they don't acknowledge you and the worse part is they push you away..." He muttered, the seriousness in his voice force me to glance at them. But I regretted the minute I stared at him. He was staring straight into my soul. As if those orbs were narrating the inner misery felt by his heart. As if it wanted to convey those words his tongue could never voice out.
"Aarush, had you completed your work?" I glared at my son's direction making him offer me his pleading orbs. "Yesterday was Sunday but you can't escape from studies today as well." I walked towards the wardrobe removing a set of books. "Come let's start with the studies." I walked towards the bed, making a place for us to sit. "Come..." I glared at him as he hadn't moved from Yash's arms.
"But Mumma..." I dared him to speak a word when I offered him a pointed look. Half-heartily he moved from Yash's arm, strolling towards me but halted an inch before reaching me.
"But Mumma says attempts win..." he turned towards his father. "Dada if you don't stop attempting, you will win as well." Aarush offered an encouraging smile making his place on the bed. I was stunned by the smartness he processed at such a small age. I inhaled pulling myself together and glancing at Yash whose eyes were fixed on me. The smirk had returned on his face, I knitted my brow in confusion.
"I promise you, my son... I won't stop till I succeed." And with that grin playing on his lip, he walked out of the room. I kept staring at his retreating figure. Confused by his contradicting traits. Yash's words claimed he shared feeling toward me but his action had the opposite effect. I shook my head concentrating on Aarush's studies.
~~••~~
I had purposely landed in the room late. I wanted to avoid Yash after the confusing thoughts revolving in my mind. Or maybe I wanted to ignore any hints that could confirm his feelings towards me. I was waiting for clues that could make me believe he was interested in Yukta.
Earlier at the dining table, he had attempted in every manner to ignore Yukta's presence around him. I was taken aback by his weird behaviour so was Yukta. She questioned him twice about the matter but on seeing him not interested, she focused on me the entire dinner.
Provided me with information like they were in the same school and best friends for years. To carry on with her education Yukta had moved to London but they were in frequent contact and how furious she was with Yash for informing her about his marriage after a week and neither inviting her. I couldn't miss the glitter shining in her orbs as she was sharing her memories with Yash. The sudden feeling of guilt showered me once again. Did Yash have the same feeling towards her? The concern, admiration, and love? Had I come between them in any manner? I couldn't stop myself from having those feeling when Aai's cold orbs were planted on me. As if indirectly claiming I was a reason behind Yash's aloof behaviour towards Yukta. I kept ignoring her stare till the end.
As I knocked on the room before entering inside. Yash was strolling in the room with a file in his hand which he was fully engrossed into. His eyes glanced in my direction before wandering back into the file. I stared at him for a second in confusion before entering inside and closing the door behind me.
Yash often completed his work in his study hardly spending a minute in our room. His entire hours in the mansion was either spent with Aarush or in his study among his file. It wasn't like only I was ignoring him, but he also at various events attempted to ignore my existence. Shaking my head with those thoughts, I stood in front of the wardrobe.
"As Aai and Yukta are present, I will stay in the room." He muttered clearing my doubt on his strange action. It wasn't the first time he had uttered those words. Often when his mother ended up staying in the mansion, we would end up in the same room. I nodded without glancing at him and making my way towards the washroom with my set of clothes.
As I walked out of the washroom I noticed Yash was still engrossed in the file. I took a slow step towards the bed as he sat on the couch. A pillow and blanket were placed on it. "You aren't planning to sleep on this?" I inquired narrowing my eyes at him. His eyes were fixed on the file not providing me with any response. "You know... you can't sleep on it, right?" I tried again to grab his attention but he was in a mood to piss me off. "Fine, if you don't want to increase doubt of your Aai about our relationship you won't end up there," I spoke sternly still his eyes fixed on the file.
Giving to his stubbornness I lay on the bed facing away from him. I was frustrated with his childish behaviour of ignoring me. I closed my eyes attempting to calm myself. And soon sleep took a hold of me.