{Jumpol}
Off notices his knuckles starting to whiten where they're gripping his steering wheel, so he tries to release some of the tension in his body by breathing in and out.
He reminds himself that there's nothing for him to be tense about, and that New is just taking some time. Eventually, he'll come to his senses like Off trusts him to. Everything is fine.
He thinks about all the times he's worried about things ending between New and him, just to find out he was freaking out about nothing, which was every single time. He thought New would've cut him off because of Tay's wishes; New ended up breaking up with Tay. He thought New would need more time after the split before warming up to Off; he kissed him out of nowhere. Now, he thinks New's rethinking everything they've done after his breakup; he just has to cross his fingers and hope he's overreacting about this one too.
New hasn't even kissed him since the whole debacle in the gymnasium, but Off doesn't let that bother him too much. What does get to him a bit is how little New has been able to look him in the eyes recently.
The only person he can really place the blame on is Tay, and he gets an intense itch to tackle the boy to the ground anytime he passes by him in the halls, but he decides he'll leave it alone and allow New to handle everything how he feels best. New probably wouldn't like it if Off punched his ex boyfriend in the face, no matter how horrible, conniving, and manipulative he is as person.
When will New simply learn that Tay isn't equivalent to this perfect, imaginary perception New has built up for him? The boy needs to open his eyes and see Tay for the person he really is, which is a guy who doesn't deserve an ounce of New's sympathy.
Off realizes he's been sitting in his car for about five minutes, staring into space instead of turning on the ignition.
He turns his head to the side, his gaze falling upon the bouquet of daisies placed in the passenger seat. He'd gotten it for New as a small gift, just because the boy had been so down lately. He plans to give it to him, that is, if he ever manages to calm his thoughts and start up the car.
He hopes that he'll finally get to see New smile and provide rain after such a long drought of not seeing him happy. A visual in his mind of the shimmer New's eyes will get once he sees the daisies has Off smiling dreamily, probably looking like a lovesick fool.
Even if New's smile lasts for half a second, Off will soak it up like sponge, melting into the way New makes him feel lighter with every flash of his perfect teeth. The boy never fails to spark that part inside Off that he didn't even know he had until he heard New laugh for the first time. He is so sprung over him it almost hurts.
He and New have already planned to hang out for the day, so he figures New will see it as soon as he opens Off's passenger door. He wants it to be more of a surprise, however, so he takes it and tucks it under the seat, so maybe he can pop the flowers up in his face at some other point during the evening.
It's almost six pm on a surprisingly warm, Saturday evening, and Off couldn't be more grateful that New's finally choosing to get out of the house and do something with Off. He has no idea of what they're going to do, but he's sure they'll figure something out as the night goes on.
Off eventually musters up the strength to start up his car and begin his journey to New's house. He's giddy with anticipation as he jogs up the steps toward New's front door, eager as always to see his boy's splendid face.
When the door opens, however, most of New's face appears to be blocked by the large box of random stuff he's holding in his arms.
"Um..." Off starts, scratching the side of his head.
New struggles with the box for a bit, resulting in a t-shirt falling over the edge of it. Off picks it up off the floor before putting it back in the box and offering New some of his help by holding one end of the box.
"Sorry," New says, grunting as he repositions his hands under the box. "Can you help me put this in your trunk?"
"I thought we were just hanging out today," Off says with a sigh, still proceeding to help New carry his box to the car.
"We are," New replies, moving to set the box on top of Off's car. He taps it once before replying to Off. "I just have to, uh...get these to Tay first."
"So," Off starts, setting one hand on top of his car as he looks at New carefully. "This is all of it."
New nods. "Yep."
"And after this, you'll be completely done with Tay?"
"Yep. This is the only thing keeping me..." he knits his eyebrows, probably trying to word everything correctly. "Physically connected to him. After I give it back to him, I see no reason for us not to be done for good."
Off smiles at him, feeling proud of how the boy is finally pushing himself to let go of Tay. "I'm happy for you."
New looks down at his feet, kicking at a rock on the ground. "Me too."
They eventually get the box into Off's trunk with some difficulty, and once they're in the car, Off somehow manages to feel glad about driving to Tay's house, because he knows this is going to be the first and the last time.
"I'll ring the doorbell and make him come get it out of the trunk himself," New says as he opens the door. "Just wait here."
Off nods his head and watches as New heads for Tay's door. He crosses his fingers Tay will just take his things and go, and that he won't try to feed New anymore of his hurtful comments before doing so.
New stands at the door for quite a while after ringing, and after a minute or two it becomes clear no one is even home. That is, if the lack of cars in the driveway and the complete absence of lights inside the house didn't already give that away.
Off huffs exhaustedly and opens up his own door to let himself out of the stuffy car.
"He's not home?" Off asks, placing his hands in the pockets of his sweats as he walks up behind New.
"I guess not," New says with a shrug, twiddling his thumbs in front of him. "He told me to drop it off here."
Off rolls his eyes as he shifts on his feet. "Can't say I'm surprised he's not here."
The hostility in Off's voice seems to go right over New's head as the boy stares at his feet. His voice is barely above a whisper when he speaks. "You know today's Valentine's?"
Off raises an eyebrow, not exactly sure of what he's supposed to do with this information. "Hmmmmm..."
New shakes his head back to life, looking up at Off as he reaches into his pocket. "Well, I have to find out where he is."
"You're gonna call him?"
"No...I deleted his number," New says as he starts to pace back and forth aimlessly, bringing his phone up to his ear. "I'm calling one of his teammates."
Off sighs heavily. "New..."
New smacks his teeth as he brings his phone back out in front of his face. "Singto isn't answering. Let me try Arm."
"Why don't you just leave it on his doorstep?" Off asks, his tone slightly harsh.
"No," New replies, continuing to hold the phone next to his ear. "Someone might steal it."
"No one's going to steal---"
"Arm. Hi," New starts, an actual smile taking its place on his lips which completely throws Off off. "Do you know where Tay is? I---what is all that noise? Anyway, I have some stuff to give him."
Off rolls his eyes for the second time, setting his gaze on the driveway as New continues to speak.
"Oh," New says, his grateful state starting to fall as his feet come to a halt. "Well. Send me the address."
Off puffs out air from between his cheeks as he grows completely fed up with the direction this night is already headed. He speaks up as soon as New ends the call. "No one's going to steal the box if you leave it on the doorstep!"
"There's a chance for anything Off!" New yells incredulously. "Tonight might be the night that someone decides to come over and steal this entire box of memories and valuables for themselves! Is that what you want, Off? For the box to fall into some other person's hands, making Tay hate me even more than he already does?"
Off blinks at him, suddenly at a loss for words and unable to respond to such a string of questions. It's off-putting, how passionate New is about this, but Off's going to let it drag out, just for the sake of eventually getting to see it end at some point in the future. What he really wants to say is Who cares if Tay hates you, but he bites his tongue on that one. "No. I don't want that."
New steps toward Off and touches his arm, giving him a soft, pleading look. "Just come with me. Please. I just---I need to get his stuff to him so I can be free of this."
Off tries not to clench his jaw as he gives in to New, nodding and following him back to the car.
He comes to find out Tay is in fact in a hotel suite because his team's apparently throwing a hotel party, and he calmly sits through New's ballistic rant all the way there.
"Can't believe he's actually having a hotel party," New hisses, before laughing into his hand. This is probably the fifth time New has said this on the ride there, and all Off has done is nod his head in agreement.
"A fucking disgusting, raunchy, nasty hotel party, and he didn't even tell me!" New yells, scrunching his hand in his hair. "He had the nerve to tell me to bring his stuff to his house when he knew he wouldn't even be there! He wanted me to know where he was!"
"New, don't read into it too much," Off says gently, finally pulling into the parking lot of the hotel building. "Focus more on wiping your hands clean of all of this as soon as you get his stuff to him."
"But it seems like he's trying to annoy the shit out of me, Off," New spits, opening his door before Off has even fully parked the car. He slams the door behind himself with alarming strength, and Off sinks into his seat as he sits in the newfound silence of the car. The silence lasts for about five seconds before the door is swung back open, and New is popping his head in. "Why are you still in the car?"
"I was just gonna wait for you," Off says innocently.
"Come with me," New replies.
Off shakes his head. "Why? I really don't want to walk through a sloppy high school party---"
"Off," New says, biting his bottom lip shyly. "I feel like I might...walk in on him doing something. If you're there I'll be stronger."
Off knows he can't stay behind with how insecure New is looking right now. He wishes New would just throw the box on the floor of the parking lot so they can drive off and go watch a movie or something, but that clearly isn't going to be the case.
He sighs as he pushes his door open, stepping out into the nighttime.
"In and out, yeah?" Off asks as he presses the lock button on his keys.
"Of course," New nods, catching up to Off and gripping his arm, as though he's looking for comfort out of fear of whatever they're about to step into.
They enter through the lobby and take the elevator up to the seventh floor in order to reach the hotel suite, and with every step that causes the music to become more evident in Off's ears, he grows more disgusted by Tay and everything he stands for. He knows how much this hurts New, yet he still does it anyway. Why he takes joy out of making such an amazing boy miserable, Off has no idea.
Off feels cold when New lets go of him to knock on the door of the suite, but he allows the feeling to reside. New knocks rigorously and impatiently, still fidgeting on his feet as he waits for the door to open.
When the door finally opens, surprisingly and very unfortunately, it's Tay. Not only is the music coming from the suite so loud Off can no longer hear his thoughts, but Tay is also completely shirtless.
His eyes are huge at first when he sees New, and then his gaze slides over to Off and he immediately deflates, stepping back and moving to close the door again. New intercepts him by placing his foot in the way of the door, preventing it from shutting.
"Tay," New says, pushing the door open. Tay gives up his effort of shutting the door, and allows himself to be dragged out of the room by his arm.
"What?" Tay asks, sending one last glare Off's way before staring back at New.
New crosses his arms. "Why the fuck did you tell me to bring your stuff by your house if you knew you wouldn't be there?"
Tay scratches behind his neck. "I guess I forgot."
"Yeah right you forgot," New spits. "As if you didn't want me to show up at your house to eventually find out you were having this hotel-orgy thing."
"It's not a fucking orgy!"
Off can't stop himself from intervening. "I suggest you lower your voice."
"And I suggest you crawl back to the dump you came from, but---"
"You're literally garbage, Tay. If anyone came from the dump, it's definitely you."
"I'm about five seconds away from finishing what I started in the gym, so I suggest you not," Tay says, rubbing his palm down his face.
Off pushes his sleeves up in preparation. "Well we're not in school now buddy, so I have no problem throwing the first punch."
Tay brings himself close to Off just like the first time, growling in his face as speaks. "Do it Off, I dare you---"
"Shut up!" New practically screams, causing Off a momentary satisfaction out of thinking he's speaking only to Tay. "Both of you!" he continues, pointing two fingers at the both of them as he steps in front.
Tay huffs. "He clearly started it."
"Don't act like this isn't all your fault," Off scoffs.
"It's both of your faults, you immature brats!" New yells.
Off stands there with his lips parted, truly shocked from what New's just said. Immature brats? That's...unexpected.
New's nearly breathless as he continues to scream. "Both of you have hated each other for as long as I can remember, and quite frankly, it's getting old! Just get over it already!"
They're both quiet as they stare at New, who's red faced as he takes a moment to catch his breath. Off doesn't know what to say at this point, just like he hasn't known what to say at many points during this evening. It seems he and Tay are actually on the same page about something for once, because he appears speechless as well.
New abruptly takes each of their arms in his hands, dragging them down to the very end of the hall where there are folded chairs stacked up against a dark corner. He lets go of them in order to take two of the chairs and unfold them, setting them up so that they face each other.
He points a stern finger at the chairs, glancing between Tay and Off. "Sit."
They hesitantly do as told, even though Off's fully against whatever's about to happen right now.
"Now I am going to sit here until you guys settle whatever the fuck this feud between you two is about," New says, sitting down on the floor in front of them and crossing his legs. "I don't care if we're here for the whole damn night."
All three of them are quiet after that, because New is now staring at them patiently, even though they both have absolutely nothing to say. Off refuses to speak, because he knows Tay is only going to talk over him and twist everything into a way to make Off look bad. He's done arguing with Tay and giving him what he wants, so no, he's not going to speak.
He looks over at Tay to find him looking down at his clasped hands, his elbows rested on his knees.
Off huffs out a heavy breath as they sit there in more silence, but he's not backing down. He's not going to say anything, no matter how immature that makes him look.
"Well..." he hears Tay start, and he raises his eyebrow at the fact that the boy is actually speaking. Everyone's attention is directed to him now, waiting for whatever it is he's about to say.
Tay stares at the ground once he starts to talk. "I just...I guess I saw what you and New had and it made me insecure."
He's completely silent after those few words, and both Off and New share a glance. New stares at Tay again, his eyebrows knit together.
"What are you talking about, Tay? You were my boyfriend."
"I know, but," Tay starts, rubbing at his nose and still refusing to make eye contact with anyone. "It was a different kind of relationship with you and him. I felt like you were more cautious around me, and let loose around him. I was...I was kind of jealous. I guess."
Off is stunned as he raises his eyebrows. "Jealous?"
"Yeah," Tay laughs, dryly. "I've always been jealous. From the first moment I got to physically see this 'Off' New had made himself friends with, I was just jealous, because, obviously..." he says, gesturing in Off's direction without looking at him. "You're so gorgeous it's unfair. You were nice, he really liked hanging out with you, and I saw no reason for him not to leave me for you. Not one."
Off parts his lips, staring at Tay, dumbfounded, and almost forgetting New is even near.
"You're soft and sweet, and I'm clingy and demanding. You have this soothing aura about you that I'll never have," Tay continues, shyly scratching at his arm. "I mean, what did I expect?" Tay laughs at himself again, running his fingers through his hair. "You were there for him and I wasn't. You set aside everything, no matter what you were doing at any given moment, to be with him. It was going to happen eventually. I knew it was."
"Tay," Off starts, bringing Tay to finally lift his head and look at him. "I was jealous of you. How could you possibly be jealous of me? I had nothing."
Tay's mouth is agape as he slowly shakes his head at Off, though he doesn't say anything. His huge brown eyes are more sincere than Off's ever witnessed them, which tells Off they're actually having a genuine moment, and he isn't just making nice to please New.
"Tay, I..." Off starts, his breath stuttering a little as he straightens out the sleeves of his jacket. "I was jealous of you, because...because you had it all. You had the friends, all the confidence in the world, the charisma, and the boy."
Off doesn't want to say one could definitely be able to hear a pin drop because of how quiet it is, but that statement is actually relevant in this case. He feels like he's going to crack under the pressure of both Tay's and New's eyes on him, so he doesn't dare raise his eyes from his lap.
He's already started talking, and now both of them are at the edge of their seats with anticipation for however Off's going to build upon what he'd already begun talking about. He knows that if he's going to do this with Tay he has to be one hundred percent honest, or else it won't be sincere.
"You had the one thing I didn't have, even though I felt like it was in my reach," Off practically whispers, now talking to himself more than to the boys. "I-I wanted him, and I didn't even realize it was in a romantic way until I started comparing how your relationship was to how I would treat him. But he kept going back to you, and I kept growing more envious, and..." Off's fingers itch to ball up into tight fists, but he restrains himself, instead gripping his fingers on his knees. "I realized I didn't have normal feelings that a friend is supposed to have for another friend."
He sees Tay palm his face out of the corner of his eye, but he ignores it and chooses to finally lift his head to catch a glimpse of New's reaction. There's no distinguishable expression on his face, but his eyes are wider than usual, and even his upper body is leaned slightly more in Off's direction. Off doesn't know how to take it, but the beauty of New simply sitting there motivates him to keep talking.
"I..." he starts, forcing himself to maintain eye contact with New even when his own eyes try to betray him. "I'm in love with you New, and I'm certain that's the main reason Tay has never sat right with me." His voice unexpectedly cracks at the word "love", but he recovers and pushes himself to keep going. "It's hard for me to watch someone I love latch onto someone else who's clearly not good for them, when I know I could be better for you. I want this---I...I want us. I love you---"
"I can't do this," Tay says abruptly, rising from his seat and taking hurried steps back down the hall, his head in his hands.
Any focus New had on Off vanishes into thin air as he turns his head toward where Tay is still making his lengthy exit. He turns his head back toward Off, biting the corner of his lip for a moment before turning back around, starting to push himself on his feet. "Tay!"
This makes Off rise from his seat, and of course, now they're all standing up and chasing after Tay because the boy just had to make the most dramatic scene.
"New!" Off yells, probably louder than he's ever yelled at the boy as he grabs his shoulder and turns him around. New's lips are parted in shock when he locks eyes with Off.
"Why do you keep chasing Tay?" Off yells, his voice desperate and pained. "Why don't you just give it up and let him go?"
"Because I love him!" New screams at the top of his lungs, his eyes already wet by the end of his sentence. He breathes in and out, a helpless look on his face as he stares at Off, who now feels like he's been struck by an arrow---and not a romantic one.
The only thing heard between them is the sound of New heavily breathing in and out after yelling, but Off also hears a loud ringing in his ears that he doesn't know the cause of.
He slowly removes his hand from New's shoulder, letting it fall to his side. He opens his mouth to speak, before the words get caught in the thickness of his throat. He almost feels like he might throw up. Or cry. Probably both.
New's hand slowly comes up to cover his mouth once he realizes what he's said and how Off has taken it. Off forces out a weak grin as New shakes his head.
"Off, I didn't mean---"
Off stops him with a gentle hand in the air, taking one step back. "No, you did mean. It's okay, New. It's okay." The absolutely broken sound of his voice indicates that it's not okay, but he's going to say it is, just because he doesn't know how else to handle this.
New reaches out a hesitant hand for Off, who in turn takes another step back, shaking his head as tears finally start to fall.
"Off," New pleads, followed by a sad sigh. "I love you too, but..." his voice trails off, but Off doesn't have to hear it. New shakes his head so slightly that Off could've missed it, but he doesn't, because he's watching all of New's movements like a hawk, just as he's always done in all their years of friendship. He knows all of New's tells, what New does when he's happy, the subtle hints he throws around when he's sad, the slight way he tilts his head when he's annoyed by something---Off knows it all. It's funny how oblivious he was to how in love he's been with New this entire time. Truly pathetic.
The words replay in Off's head as they stand there, unnecessarily far away from each other, even though Off feels like it's still too close.
I love you too, but...
He's grateful New's aware that they both have a vague idea about how the sentence ends. There's no way to be sure, but there are a couple of possible endings popping up in his mind: I love you too, but not in that way. I love you too, but not as much as I love Tay. I love you too, but I'm not in love you. No matter which one of those three choices New had been planning on saying, Off was going to hurt regardless. He doesn't want to know the rest of the sentence from New's mouth, because it would just be the final stab to the wound that New has already made---it'll be the one that officially kills him. He'd rather be left with the horrid imagination of however New was about to end that sentence than actually hearing it. Anything but hearing it.
He gets the sudden feeling the world is slowly starting to melt around him, as though there had been nothing but vivid color and stunning sights, and now the walls are dripping, caving in, and everything is fading into nothing but a gloomy shade of black and gray. He still forces a smile though, even as he rubs at his eyes and feels a substantial amount of wetness.
The daisies that he'd left under the passenger seat of his car choose to cross his mind at the perfectly wrong time. How foolish of him, now that he thinks back to how excited he was to give them to New and see the look on his face, because maybe, just maybe, New didn't fucking want them, because all he wants is Tay. All he's ever wanted was Tay, and Off can't do anything about that.
"Off, please..." New chokes out, taking another step forward and grabbing for Off's hand.
Off immediately pulls back, wiping his cheeks with his free hand and still keeping a fake grin plastered on his face. "No, I'm okay. It's---I'm fine," he whispers, his words merely breaths as he keeps his distance from New.
New looks completely torn, but Off knows exactly what he wants to do. He finally keeps his hands to himself once he accepts the fact that Off doesn't want to be touched anymore, and there's a moment where they're holding each other's gaze, more unsure about where they stand with each other than they've ever been before.
Off gives him a slight head nod, letting him know it's okay for him to go and do what he knows he wants to do.
So he does.
There's one more moment where New's helpless eyes puncture Off's heart, and then he turns around, sniffling and jogging down the hall in order to follow Tay back into his hotel suite.
And that's okay.
Off will find a way to be okay with it, because he's strong, and he's independent anyway, and maybe something else will make him happy. Hopefully.
There's no way he'll get through this unless he lies to himself about it eventually getting better, because right now such a thing seems impossible. He will recover from this. He will.
Except he knows he won't.