"Irene! Over here!"
"Here, Irene!"
"Irene!"
"Irene!"
Her name was shouted by countless foreign faces; Irene here, Irene there, with flashes from countless cameras taking turns showering her face. It was a typical scenery; one of the perks of being an idol, she sarcastically claimed in her head. Extreme exposure to lights coming from camera flashes had never immensely bothered her though, so she had never had trouble with being showered under such an intense glare of lights. What usually bothered her was the figures behind the lenses who called her over and over again, creating an uncomfortable atmosphere for her. It felt like she was being chased down to no end.
Irene was attending Paris Fashion Week at the invitation of one of the Italian high fashion brands of women's clothing. She dressed in golden attire wrapped in a black coat—the very much needed element because it was crazy chilly out there despite the warm welcome. She was seated shortly by the staff and the crew of the event, next to an American actress who was much younger than she was. The girl was friendly and all smile, it eased Irene intensified anxiety. The girl took her time to speak to Irene and she was awed by the girl's humility and respectful behaviour; she was a well-mannered young lady.
The fashion show took a few hours during which Irene could relax a bit, enjoying the passing models on the runway exhibiting brilliant collections and letting her mind wander off places her body could not follow. Each piece from the collection seemed to take her to different places and she loved how the pieces could communicate, telling stories on their own; the colours, the ambience, the runway, and even the people in the building had created such an atmosphere that drew her deeper and deeper that she failed to track herself and ended up losing the track of time.
Paris was one of her favourite places to be; except for the chilly air, still it had always been one of the places she loved to be. People, in general, did not pay much attention to others, hence it was easier and more convenient for her to be out and about in public compared to other places. No eyes were staring at her, nobody was watching her, she was practically ignored, and she oddly found comfort in it.
She was planning on taking a walk around once she changed and freshened up a bit after attending her invitation but turned out the plan stayed as was because she fell asleep from the temptation of a bed laid out before her eyes. Irene just finished with her long bath after spending an entire day sleeping (it was very much needed though, considering she woke up way before the sun did to get her hair and makeup done, along with her fitting—plus, jet lag), so there she was dabbing her wet hair as she calculated all the things she could possibly do in Paris at 11 PM going 12 AM because she would definitely no longer be able to sleep a blink. That was when her phone vibrated and on her screen popped up a notification from her social media. It was from Jennie, who was also there in Paris, attending an invitation by another high fashion brand.
[from jennierubyjane] Our eonni :) Let's have a meal together! <3
Well, there it was, her entire plan for the next hour until she was ready for another slumber; that one particular midnight meal with Jennie sounded like a godsend, so she excitedly punched an "okay" text to the younger.
It was not long until the both of them met up at a bakery Jennie claimed to be one of her favourites. Burgers and ice cream for midnight snacks did not sound like sin at all anyway, so those were exactly what they ordered. Irene missed hanging out with Jennie like that—just the two of them (when it actually had only been a month since the last time they did in LA).
"How are things with Lisa?" Irene suddenly asked out of the blue, it was not out of curiosity, she was not that nosy. She was just concerned, wondering if Lisa finally patched things up with Jennie after only two months ago Lisa almost froze herself into a chicken nugget because of her inability to process her own thoughts and feelings. She could have asked Jennie about it the last time they met but it felt like opening a barely healed wound so she opted to keep the wonders to herself.
Jennie who was ready to dig into her ice cream stopped midway and stared at Irene dumbfounded. Irene who was a witness of that sight cocked her iconic right eyebrow as if wondering what it was that seemed to be so surprising for Jennie.
"Things are alright, I guess," Jennie hesitantly answered.
Truth be told, Jennie did not know if things were alright alright with Lisa. Sure, they were civil with each other, just as those in a relationship were supposed to be. But it felt much like all the problems Jennie could sense faintly before, suddenly took more apparent forms and she could no longer bury them under the rug. Things were probably alright but they had definitely changed and she was not sure if it was for the better or worse. What she was sure of was Irene asking her about things with Lisa seemed to have pushed the wrong button on Jennie's shirt that she no longer felt her desire to gobble the ice cream in front of her.
What a waste.
Irene was just staring at her because the hesitation latching between Jennie's words was too noticeable to ignore; it was ringing loudly in her ears that she opted to just keep her words to herself and gave Jennie the stage to vent whatever it was that clearly was running in her head.
"I don't know actually, eonni."
And she did. She took the stage.
"You see, between Lisa and I, it was just supposed to be a crush and it was just supposed to be one-sided. But the closer we grow, the more I see her in ways others don't and the more I crave for her presence. I want to know her more, more than anybody else does—to the point I get selfish and I want her for myself. I can't imagine a life where I don't have her by my side, eonni. Hell, I don't think I want a life where she and I don't co-exist," Jennie stated as she played with her ice cream spoon, having her mind someplace else, completely giving up on the untouched ice cream before she went on catching Irene off-guard, "You feel it too, don't you?"
"Huh?" Irene seemed to be taken back from her own reverie.
"How Lisa is. How she just deliberately takes you by force but calms you down at the same time. As if you are in a middle of a storm but you can't even worry your arse off because you know the raging waves will lead you safely back to the shore."
Irene could not put it any other way. Jennie had perfectly put Lisa in words. She could not possibly word it out better.
"And with that Lisa, I fell in love, yet I never ask her to love me back. I don't expect anything out of it because, you know, we're both girls and I don't want to pressure her. But then the urge becomes unbearable, I want her to see me in a certain way. I want her to want me."
'She wants you alright' was what was in Irene's head but from the lonely look on Jennie's face she knew that they had different concepts of the word want.
"When we started our relationship, I thought things would be different for us but it turned out it was just different for me. Lisa, up to this point, just goes with me, she never stands up for her words. It has always been my words against hers. At first, it didn't bother me because Lisa has always been the type who avoids friction at all costs. She never starts a fight, even when things are ugly for her, she chooses to keep it, rather than confronting others or the things that make her uncomfortable.
But I think, I've been ignoring it enough times that I unconsciously become miserable and desperate that I feel as if Lisa stays with me just because of the idea of me. So I become a terrible person."
Irene just stared at Jennie who kept her words flowing down out of her mouth. It was probably safe to say that these words had been kept bottled up by the woman for the longest time by then.
"I know you know about the new year's news featuring Jongin Oppa and me on the headlines, eonni. But I'm sure you don't know why I did what I did. Sure, I accepted my CEO's proposal to save those I could save, they are family. But I can't lie that deep down—in the deepest realm of my heart, where things are dark, twisted, and unpretty, the ugly part, I wanted to see how Lisa would react. If she'd be jealous or angry or anything, I just need her to react and tell me that what I did was so distasteful she wished she loathed me," Jennie chuckled, but it was bitter; it was as if she had been defeated or she had finally admitted a defeat, whichever side it went, Jennie had never been looked tinier than she was right then, "But instead, all she did was going out and coming back, asking me what it was I wanted—she did not give me an ultimatum or lash her anger on me, it was as if she did not care. Even if she did then it means she only probably cared about me, which also can only mean that she did not care about herself and to me that was unsettling."
"Then it sort of became clear to me last month," Jennie, again, hesitantly said. She eyed the woman in front of her as she heaved her much-needed sigh. Jennie let herself and her mind wander wildly back to a month prior when all of them were under the same bare sky of LA. For the first time ever Jennie witnessed with her eyes, how Lisa could be very agitated when given the right reason to and Jennie, sadly, had to learn that the right reason for Lisa to act all annoyed was none other than Irene.
Last month in LA, Jennie came back to the hotel after having her breakfast with Irene, with Lisa welcomed her with an extremely sour face as if a giant ball of crookedness decided that that was the best day to sit on Lisa's entire mood. She looked annoyed and even the word annoyed could not even begin to cover how Lisa was when she found out it was Irene whom Jennie had breakfast with. At first, Jennie did not know what it was that made the-ever-so-calm Lisa became so mad she started to suck all the positive energy around her like a black hole of pissed. It was unlike the Lisa Jennie knew—or anybody did, because Lisa never once showed that ugly part of herself.
Lisa was out of her own control that day.
Jennie only found out the real reason behind Lisa's frown after she practically begged Jisoo to tell her. She found out that Lisa invited Irene for breakfast five minutes before Irene invited her for theirs. Thinking back, Jennie could piece the puzzle together because if she did dig her memory deeper, Lisa's demeanour did change after Jennie told her members that she had a breakfast date with Irene the night before all hell broke loose. She just did not know the reason until she did. And as for Irene, she chose to reject Lisa and invited Jennie instead simply because she was afraid that she had no self-control and she did not know what kind of masochistic idea would pop out of her head into her mouth and end her up in regrets.
That reason earned her stringing of complaints of texts and a fiery phone call. Irene had to say she did not fancy a pissed and sarcastic Lisa. Apparently, the goofball could be mean when poked in all the wrong places.
"I want her to treat me at least the way she treats you."
Of cou—
—Wait, what?
Irene stopped her activity abruptly and clearly was surprised by what Jennie said.
"Me?" Irene almost choked herself; she did not want to be included in the equation that Jennie and Lisa were parts of.
"I never annoy her, eonni."
'And that's a bad thing because...' Irene could only wonder.
"Not because I'm not annoying because I know I am, it's just she ignores it. I know, Lisa never wears her feelings on her sleeves, despite being younger, Lisa is very much calm. Well, she can be playful at times but she does it generally, you see, when she's with me she's gentle and tiny. Only heaven knows how much I love her, but the way she sees me as something she has to protect, eonni, only hell knows how much I despise it. She doesn't see me as an equal and if she could throw everything just so that I could have things my way, she would've done it, no question, no hesitation. But that's just not the way to love now, is it?"
Irene had never been in a relationship but that one she fully understood; a relationship was a two people's responsibility, so it meant it should involve two people to work on it—you see, it was supposed to go back and forth, but from the way Jennie said it, it looked like it had been going one way to the point of no return, or perhaps, both Jennie and Lisa did work on being in the relationship but it was as if they did not meet in the middle because they did not start from the same frequency.
No wonder things got pretty lonely for Jennie.
"People say that love is sacrifice, but I learn that it's not quite it, love is tolerance, maybe, but never quite sacrifice because you can't love someone else when you sacrifice yourself, eonni. It's not fair and it goes both ways. While there Lisa is, giving in to me all this time we're together. It's just—"
She stopped for a second; her eyes were empty as if the last strand of her soul finally left her. Jennie was in love with someone who did not know how to love her the way she needed.
"—It doesn't look like that's how it is supposed to work."
Irene stared at Jennie with guilt because what Jennie just said wrenched her heart. It made her think if she was the cause of that particular sight of Jennie. She had no words and there were no words to say either, she did not dare to speak of any. One word might leave a crack on Jennie forever. She had done enough damage.
"I was in the room when I had to watch her texting whom I believe was you so brutally we almost held a funeral for her phone. She even went as far as asking me to leave her alone because she was about to make a phone call."
Irene tried to process all the information Jennie just told her and she would lie if she said she did not try to think something she ought to say to make Jennie see otherwise; because thinking back to the fight she had with Lisa back in LA through their phonecall, Irene thought Jennie was lucky that Lisa held back when it came to her. Because that time after what seemed to be a never-ending argument, Irene found out that both Lisa and herself were too competitive against each other, and that it was only out of the kindest of her heart and Lisa's respect towards her as someone older that they could strain themselves from saying things that they would forever regret.
Irene could not see why Jennie possibly wanted Lisa to treat her like she treated herself. Only by the time Jennie opened her mouth once again that she somehow could understand a bit.
"I lied to her, eonni, while you rejected her breakfast invitation. But why is she freely becoming herself more when she's with you than when she's with me?"
Ah.
Jennie never wanted Lisa to protect her feelings. She screwed up, she wanted Lisa to be comfortable enough with her that she was ready to move mountains to tell Jennie, with whom she had a relationship, how she hated what she did, that she was furious. But instead, she did all that she wanted Lisa to do to her to Irene, a supposed-to-be-friend, who refused to spend a breakfast meal with her.
A breakfast.
Jennie could only look at Irene. She did not know what it was between the two but she knew something was happening with or without them knowing or being aware of it. All her questions about why Lisa did that to her or why Lisa did not do this to her, slowly yet surely started to be answered and with those being answered, Jennie understood that she could not be an immovable object between two forces that were so strong they rendered all the parties involved oblivious. It seemed like she must prepare herself for the inevitable.
"Eonni," Jennie broke their silence as her eyes wandered and landed on the untouched ice cream that had slowly turned into a pile of cream. Funny, she thought, how the melting ice cream reminded her of herself; it was just there, right there in front of her, yet she did not touch it. Just like her, she was just there, right there in front of Lisa, yet Lisa could no longer see her.
"I love Lisa," her voice was tiny but it was not inaudible at all, as a matter of fact, that was all Irene could hear before Jennie firmly said again, "I'm in love with Lisa; I have always been and probably will always be
Irene knew and she did not know if Jennie knew it or not, but she had no intention of ruining what it was between Jennie and Lisa because as madly as she had been falling for Lisa, Irene knew she loved Jennie first.
"But, eonni," that time a shaky breath followed Jennie's voice, but a firm grip was drawn between her eyes that Irene automatically threw her glance back at Jennie, staring at the woman whose feline eyes were starting to change into the colour of red with tears building up in between. Irene could not bear the sight of Jennie. It wrecked her, but then Jennie opened her mouth and Irene wished she did not agree on meeting Jennie that night.
"I think Lisa is in love with you."