Camila's POV
Lauren furrowed her brows in confusion as her pain struck face stabbed me in the heart. She looked at me as if she didn't know me. As if I had destroyed the little bit of trust that she had managed to build with me. She no longer stared at me with the same tenderness that I was used too, she stared at me blankly, almost as if I was merely just a stranger now. And in all honestly, I didn't blame her.
Her sad eyes penetrated through mine as we stared at each other for what seemed like hours in only minutes. She was searching for a reasonable explanation. A simple explanation that she could cope with, but she couldn't find one. There was nothing simple about this, nothing self explanatory. I had taken something that appeared to be very dear to her. And I tried to talk, whisper, mutter...anything. But all there was, was silence. My voice was no longer in tact and my mouth had became dry, unable to pronounce the simplest syllable. I wanted to explain everything. Tell her that it had all just been one big misunderstanding, but I would only be lying if I did. And I wasn't that person anymore. I wasn't going to lie to her or sugar coat the truth, I wanted to tell her. But I just could't find the words too.
Lauren looked back down at the photo and connected the pieces. She stared at it for a few seconds. Deeply analyzing it as if she was making sure that I had not tainted it. It seemed as if it concerned her. The photo I mean. Her eyes searched for any impurities as her hands carefully handled the pieces. When she finished doing so, her hurt gaze meet mine. And in that moment, all I wanted to do was hug her. She looked like the same lost girl I found earlier. She was hurting again. And it was all because of me.
A wave of ambivalence struck her. I couldn't tell if she was more miserable or angry. One second, she looked furious but the other, I could almost swear that there were tears threatening to roll down her quivering lips. It was a mix of emotions splattered on her face. I couldn't tell what she was feeling but if looks could kill, I'd already be dead.
"Why..." Her voice finally trembled, "Why do you have this?" She asked holding up the photo.
"Lo I-" I tried to explain before she interrupted me.
"Why did you take this?" She asked with the most hurt expression I've ever seen a human wear.
"Look..." I said turning my body to completely face her, "it's not what you think. Just let me explain."
"What is there to explain? You took this from me. Why would you do that?"
"I didn't mean to take it Lauren. I wasn't even thinking when I slipped it into my pocket. I just..." I said trying to formulate my words. "It was the only clue I had, okay."
"Clue? For what?"
"To this whole story." I simply replied. "To find out why you left. Where you were and why Cara had so much power over you. I just didn't get it and this was all I had to help me piece everything together."
Lauren shook her head lightly, trying to wrap head around my explanation.
"I'm sorry." I quickly apologized. " I shouldn't of have taken it without your permission, that was wrong of me." I admitted.
Lauren averted my gaze and ran her hand through her hair. She then looked down at the photo. Her eyes deeply fixated on the photograph. She wasn't just looking at the photograph though. She was seeing something else. But what?
She stared at it until her eyes began to fill with tears. She didn't say anything as drops of salt ran down her cheeks. The droplets sliding over her full lips and onto the photograph in her hands.
"Lauren..." I said placing my hand on her knee, "Please say something."
She shook her head and threw the photo aside before she head onto her head.
At first I thought she was expressing her anger towards me. But it became evident that wasn't the case at all. The photo had triggered the broken girl I saw a few hours ago. It had brought back unwanted faces and memories that had been haunting her all her life. And it was all my fault.
"Hey..." I said scooting over to her and placing my hand on her knee again, "It's okay."
Lauren looked up at me with her tear stained eyes.
"I've got you." I whispered cupping her cheek and wiping off a tear with the pad of my thumb.
A smile creeped onto her face before she turned away and got herself together. She took a few deep breaths before she spoke, "I'm sorry." She apologized meeting my eyes.
"You don't need to apologize. It was my fault. I'm sorry. I shouldn't of taken anything."
She shook her head, "It's okay. I know you didn't mean too. I know you better then that. I was just surprised, that's all." She shrugged.
"Did you think that I did it purposely?"
"At first yeah, but like I said I was just in shock."
"Oh..."
"Yeah..." She simply said glancing at the photos on the ground. Her eyes fixated on them again. It was if she was watching a memory. But by her unreadable expression I couldn't tell if it was good or bad.
"Lauren?"
"Yeah?" She asked with her eyes still hovering over the photo.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, go ahead."
"Why..." I hesitated.
She noticed it and met my gaze.
"Why do you still have it?"
"The photo?" She asked.
"Yeah."
She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I guess... it was my only clue too."
"For what?"
"To know..." Her voice quivered, "why she did it. It's the only piece I have left."
"Of what?"
"Of her."
But you hate her?
"You think she had a motive?" I asked wanting to stray away from the subject to see if I could subtly uncover more to the story.
"No, if anything, it was just for her own personal gain, it's just..." Lauren hesitated, before her unspoken words became obvious to me and struck my insecurity.
"If you hate her so much then why keep it? Why feel the need to keep a piece of the past, for a answer that you already know?" I pushed further.
"There's more than I even know, Camz. But that's the worst part. Not knowing. And I just wish I knew why she did it. She at least owed me that."
"Did what exactly?" I asked feeling as if she was referring to something else other than her assault.
"Why..." Lauren's voice shook before she paused, "Why she..."
"Broke your heart?" I interrupted.
Lauren's mouth fell agape.
"You loved her...didn't you?"
Lauren furrowed her brows in confusion. It seemed as of she was contemplating the question and hating herself for not denying it right way.
I didn't know what I had just done but, a part of me couldn't stop from mentally face palming myself as I watched her question her whole life.
After about a minute or two. She finally met my gaze and shook her head, "I don't-I don't know what I felt. I might have been starting too, but I never loved her. I could have loved her, but she just...proved to me that she would never love me back. And I guess since then, I neglected those feelings and pushed them aside. But I wasn't even that far deep Camz. I just had a really big crush on her. That's it. It was nothing more, I'm almost sure of it." Lauren assured her self. "The reason that I even liked her in the first place was because she did a lot for me. She was basically my first everything and helped me come to terms with my sexuality." She paused. "Even if she did it by force."
"I don't get it." I said shaking my head. "Are you hurt because you had feelings for her or because she hurt you?"
"I'm hurt because I got raped Camz." Lauren bluntly stated.
"That's not what I meant." I said mentally cursing at myself. "I'm sorry-"
"-it's okay." She interrupted. "But if you really want to know, I'm not hurt because of my feelings. I fucking hate her. I'm hurt because of what she did to me and for leaving me without an explanation. After she did it, she just left and I never knew why it all happened. Why she chose to do that to me. Why she threw away our whole friendship for just that one night." She paused before she picked up the photo and looked at it. "Sometimes I wonder if we were even friends at all. How much of what we had was really a lie. If our friendship... memories... all meant nothing." She divulged, handing me the photo." Or if in reality, that part was actually real."
It all made sense now. Lauren didn't love her. She could have but she didn't. She was more grateful to her if anything. Grateful for their friendship and even for the influence she had on her sexuality. Cara played a major role in Lauren's life and I had somehow failed to notice. I couldnt help but feel stupid for even thinking that Lauren loved her. Of course that wasn't the case. Cara was Lauren's first everything. And almost her first love. However, Lauren didn't value her because she was her first everything. She valued the friendship they had managed to build in such a short amount of time that summer and didn't understand how someone, who she thought she knew, could have done something like that to her. It must of felt like everything she ever knew was a lie. Like Cara had only been friends with her to use her for her body. But even if that was true, Lauren would never know because she was gone. Or was she?
I never dared to think where the blonde was now. But as curiosity began to win me over, I couldn't help but ask, "Where is she now?"
Lauren cocked her brow at my sudden question before she replied, "Somewhere in England I suppose. I don't really know what happened to her after she left."
"Do you ever want to see her again?"
"For what?"
"To get the answers you're looking for."
"I don't know." Lauren said shrugging her shoulders, " I don't know if I'll ever be ready to look my rapist in the eye and ask her why."
"..."
"What if she came back? What then?"
"I'm not sure Camz. Maybe then...but why does it matter? It's not like she's going to show up at my doorstep anytime soon. She ran away. Just like criminals do. And she'll keep running until she can't hide from the truth anymore."
I didn't say much after that. I felt as if I had crossed the line or something. Like perhaps I went too far. But even so, that wasn't going to stop me from breaking these ties between Lauren and her aggressor that seemed to keep her chained up within her own mind. The ties are just too strong. They would never leave Lauren. And that's thanks to the fact that she had let them dig deeply into her soul. Perhaps one day, another love will cover up those ties. But the betrayal will live within her forever. Maybe even when she finds her answers. And maybe even when she faces her biggest fear. But whatever may happen, I'm willing to help her get past this. And the only way to do that is by making her face her fear. One little step at a time.
"Lauren?" I finally said after a long silence.
"Yeah?"
"Tell me, what was she like?"
"..."
"I know you don't like talking about her. And that I'm no one to be asking you all these questions but I feel like you need to get these things off your chest because you've kept them hidden within you for too long. And to let them fester there...is just not healthy for you. I know talking sucks but it can be better for you than you think."
"-I don't know Camz..."
"Just try... please I promise it won't hurt."
"How do you know it won't hurt?"
"Because I said so."
"And I'm supposed to trust you?"
"Well you'll never know if you don't try."
Lauren deeply sighed before she found the courage to comply, "Fine. But what do you want to know?"
"What she's like."
"She's a terrible person. A bitch. An asshole. A-"
"-no. that's not what I meant." I interrupted. "Tell me what she was like before it happened."
"Oh..." Lauren said before she became thoughtful again. "Well despite what happened, if I had to describe her...I guess I would say that she was..." Lauren paused as she thought of a good way to put it. "beautiful in an odd, original way. By that I mean she was really weird. But it wasn't the annoying type of weird. It was the good kind. She also had a very interesting mind. She always felt the need to rebel against society. To do what she thought was right. And half of the time, she got in trouble. But her parents never really found out. She always found a way to slip away with things and it was mostly because she loved criminals. And by that I mean, she loved the art of it. It puzzled her how the smart ones could get away. How their plans always seemed to find their way out of societies grips and into the arms of freedom. And...I guess she loved criminals so much that she eventually became one. " Lauren said, as her hands fidgeted with the edges of her bed. "She never liked conforming either." She continued. "She always did what she felt like doing and never let anyone else tell her otherwise. She was also very proud to be who she was. Even though her parents had never been comfortable with the fact that she was gay, she always found a way to subtly piss them off over dinner about it. Or make it evident at a public event for the company. Or even in small sceneries like the store or the mall. Whenever she found the opportunity to do it, she'd do it. She was proud of who she was. And I think that's one of the best things I liked about her." Lauren said before she shook her head and met my gaze, "I can't believe I'm telling you this."
"No, I like hearing you talk about her, keep going." I encouraged.
Lauren quirked up her brow as a sly smile formed on her face, "What? If I were you I'd tell me to shut up."
"That's because you get dangerously jealous Lo."
"What? No I don't."
"Yes you do. Admit it you hated Ariana."
"I didn't hate Ana. I just didn't particularly like her."
I rolled my eyes before a smirk formed on her face. "Come on, keep going. I want to know more."
She sighed "Alright, well. Let me see." She said thinking about t for a few seconds. "She had a very keen sense of humor. Before you, she was the most dorkiest person I knew. She didn't even have to try to make me laugh half the time. Actually, she didn't even have to try for anything. She could literately just sit there and say nothing and she would have me deeply enticed. Maybe it was her charm. Or maybe it really was an attribute that she had. But whatever it was, it fooled everybody. Even me."
I half smiled before I looked down at the photo. I don't know why my eyes hovered there but they just did. I couldn't help but look and wonder what happened here that was so important to her.
"That day Cara and I were at the moon festival." Lauren suddenly said.
I looked up and meet her green orbs." After a long day there, we went to the beach to talk. Talking led to comfort and comfort led to kissing and kissing led to-I think you can guess the rest."She said through a forced smile, " But it was the first time we crossed the line between friendship and sex. Before the nightmare really began...." Lauren paused before she pointed at the photo in my hands, "This was taken before our friendship ended. Before everything changed for me and it's one of the last good memories I have of us."
I was surprised because despite all that happened, Lauren did her best effort to remember the good part of her. Not the bad. And I liked that about Lauren. She always seemed to find the good in people. Even when they didn't deserve it. But this was more than just a good memory. It was a reminder of her past. Back to a simpler time when she was happy. And I don't think she missed Cara entirely. She missed her life. Her childhood. Her happiness. And arguably, her innocence.
"Thank you." I heard myself say suddenly.
Lauren furrowed her brows in confusion, "For what?"
"For trusting me." I clarified meeting her gaze as a small smile made its way to my lips.
Lauren's eyes looked back into mine tenderly before a smile tugged on her lips too, "Thank you for letting me."