Nothing worked for her.
It had been six years or so since her debut and it had also been six years or so since the first time she entered the industry, yet it was the first time ever Irene got meddled into a scandal; it all started a couple of weeks prior when she was involved in a project. Something was bothering her during the time; something that was done by the stylist who was involved in the very project. Irene was usually calm when she was faced with an issue because she had that professional poker face and she always knew better—being constantly put under the spotlight and such, Irene was able to place herself properly in various kinds of situations.
But that day was probably just not her brightest day because she ended up losing control of herself; it was supposed to be a gentle reminder to the stylist but the supposedly gentle reminder was taken as a stringing of harsh words by the stylist, who through their social media claimed that they ended up in tears after being scolded by an idol who acted arrogantly and snobbishly—although they did not put her name, they still put two hashtags that indirectly directed the issue to either Seulgi or her, as the only two members of their group who debuted with the song put in the hashtag.
She never had any ill intention. Yet one thing had led to another, the statement that contained the one-sided version from the stylist had directed the public's judgemental eyes towards both Seulgi and her, so she stepped up to admit everything as her wrongdoings and even posted an apology statement for the stylist through her social media. The whole thing was supposed to end there, so she hoped, but instead, it created what felt much like a domino effect, where suddenly other people claimed to have worked with her and also experienced poor treatment working with her; in all honesty, she could not even remember if she did ever work with any of those who claimed so, but at that time, she did not care, she might indeed have treated others poorly for all she knew and that made her insecure.
That was the first time during her professional years that she failed to figure out what it was she ought to do. At least her agency did not corner her and still gave her support in any way they could. They even went to length making amends with the stylist who started all the shenanigans. People, however, started to push her, criticised her, and cornered her. Some even demanded she quit the group. It was overwhelming for her, yet there was nothing she could do. She knew she was not completely at fault, but she knew where she stood, people would only see what they wanted to see and believed what they chose to believe so there was simply nothing she could do or say that could put a light on the situation. Thus, she chose to bottle everything up and take her time to shy away from the spotlight for a while.
And there she was, finally home, in Daegu. It had been a while since she did, with the pandemic and every other thing in between, she could not find time to visit home. If it was not for her wanting to take some time off away from the eyes of the public, she would not even be there. Perhaps, the scandal was what they called a blessing in disguise. Her mother and father welcomed her home with comforting looks since they knew the story well. All they cared about was their daughter's well-being, the rest of the world be damned.
Irene did not say anything to them though; being the firstborn, she tended to keep everything to herself because she knew telling her parents whatever it was in her mind would do her no good, it would even only give more things to her parents to worry about. That much her parents understood, so they gave her her much-needed space and time out, away from the world that slowly eroded their daughter's sanity. Their little Joohyun needed that, she needed to reconnect with her own support system, the very one that would stay even when the whole world turned its back on her—without any reasoning or explanation needed and as much of an exaggeration as it sounded, right at that time, it felt very much like the world was currently turning its back on her.
It had probably been a week or two, she had lost count—not that she cared either, Irene had gotten used to her new routine back in her hometown. She had a tiny house not far from her parents' house, a place she bought so she could keep her family's privacy intact, just like she had always done for the longest time. It called for a time like that, she did not want her reputation to affect her family, so she tried to keep them away from the eyes of the public as much as she was capable.
She would be lying should she say that the thought of quitting did not cross her mind. But her parents did not raise her to be a quitter, so quitting was not an option. She knew she would regret it if she did anyway because she loved what she did and nobody could take that away from her. So away she went instead, to be better.
Irene had been going to a little park by the river near her parents' house. It gave her the same feeling that reminded her of the park where she usually went for some peace and quiet; a place that reminded her of Lisa—speaking of whom, she had been ignoring Lisa's texts and calls. She only answered her members' calls and texts so far, especially the youngest Yeri, who oddly had been contacting her the most for the past week or so. She did not know why she ignored Lisa for the longest time again, but there was no way she saw Lisa while being under such a terrible condition; she was a mess—an utter mess and she did not think her current self could control what she might do when she saw the woman considering how she was both vulnerable and unstable.
Irene usually visited her parents' place in the afternoon, when the sun was setting—that was because that was when her parents were home. Never once had she thought that that day would be different.
"Ah, Joohyun, your friend's here," her father greeted her as soon as she entered her parents' house.
Friend?
Here?
Wha—
—Irene accidentally swallowed her tongue amid her surprise. She entered her parents' house through the backdoor like usual, however, the moment she was inside the house, she was faced with an unusual scene.
It was very unusual.
She thought she had gone mental for a split second or perhaps, it was like a curse had been cast upon her that it was haunting her because there before her eyes, she saw the one person she had been sort of avoiding. Lisa was sitting next to her mother and little sister—who was a spitting image of herself, enjoying some tangerines her mother bought earlier that morning.
"Hello, eonni."
Lisa greeted her with an awkward smile and Irene did not know what hit her that she immediately rushed towards Lisa, grabbed her and dragged her into her room at her parents' house. She locked the door the moment they were inside and faced Lisa with an unreadable expression, it made Lisa nervous—as she should because then all the bottled-up emotion and rage out of the unjustified accusations towards her and the pressure she felt were about to be unleashed by the petite woman. It looked like the last straw of Irene's common sense just snapped.
"What the fuck are you thinking?!"
"I—I," Lisa stuttered failing to think of what she ought to answer the older. She knew it was unwise of her to go there, suddenly invading Irene's privacy but her worried arse got the best of her that she let it persuade her to put her arse on a flight to Daegu.
"Why are you here?!" Irene lost her temper. The temper that finally managed to slap Lisa's as well that it suddenly went sky-rocketing.
"I wouldn't be here if you answered any of my texts or calls!" Lisa's voice was slowly building up to match Irene's pitch.
"Has it ever crossed your brilliant mind that me not answering any of your texts or calls means that I simply don't want to be contacted?!"
Lisa stopped in her trance. It seemed like she did it again; catching the first flight to Yeosu when she heard Irene was sick, catching the first flight for Irene's first hall tour in Japan, and then that—catching the first flight the moment she knew Irene's whereabouts from Yeri; everything she had done was just so she could know that Irene was alright but everything she had done to know if Irene was alright somehow seemed to be crossing the line.
"Of course, it hasn't," Irene chuckled bitterly seeing a cat just snatch Lisa's tongue, "You can't even tell your arse from your head," she breathed weakly, no longer having any strength to vent. She knew why Lisa was there but she did not want to see Lisa when she was in a messy state because she knew she would not be able to handle it. See what she just did.
"I'm sorry, I was worried. I wasn't even thinking."
Irene kept her mum, that time she scattered her sight away from Lisa. She just exploded at the woman who had been doing nothing but thinking about her well-being. Silently, she unlocked her door as if cueing Lisa to leave. Irene refused to deal with the situation longer and fortunately, Lisa was sensible enough to pick up on things.
"I'll leave you then, eonni. I hope you feel better."
With that Lisa left her alone in her room. She slumped down onto the floor, the tears she had been restraining back from flowing out of her eyes finally burst out like a leaking pipe. She could no longer feel her body. Everything was fucked up. She knew she should apologise to Lisa for being a complete arse but Lisa had left her alone, and probably had caught a flight back to Seoul. It was for the better, she supposed. Lisa was better off without her anyway. She felt like she fit for the title of the nastiest human being.
She did not know how long she had been crying, it felt like it had been a while since the last time she did. It was only by the time a knock on the door was heard that she spared a little time to take a breather as she opened the door, revealing a man who shared her look. Her father smiled weakly at her, knowing very well that his daughter had been spending approximately the last 20 to 30 minutes crying. He offered her a glass of water.
"May I come in?" He asked and Irene opened her door wider to give more space for her father to enter her room. He took a seat on Irene's bed with Irene following him, sitting next to him with a glass of water in her hand.
"I heard what happened," he said weakly as he cautiously stared at his daughter. Irene was not a crier, so it took him aback when he saw his daughter's eyes all red and puffy from extensive crying.
He knew she had been keeping everything all bottled up; he was probably at fault too because he always let her do so. He was never distant from her growing up, Irene's mother and he had always been present and they always made sure that Irene could come to them whenever she found something bothering her or if she encountered any problems, but Irene had always been a self-made independent person that he made himself believe that Irene would come to him when she struggled. He always believed his daughter knew what was best for her. But then look where it got them.
"Why did you chase your friend away just to cry over it?"
"She's not my friend," Irene answered softly.
"Oh, is that so?"
So that day had finally come.
That was what he had in mind, assuming that Lisa was his daughter's lover because who was he kidding? That was how his wife and he sometimes fought. He always knew Irene was different, he was never sure how different she was exactly but he knew. So he smiled readying himself to give the big speech he had prepared for his daughter in case that day came.
"When your mum told me that she was pregnant with you, I was in utter shock, I wasn't prepared, but I vowed that I would give my best to take care of you anyway. Then you were born and it all became real, I thought I would always love only your mum the most, but then I saw you in my arms for the first time, I knew nobody would ever be enough to love you, Joohyun," he smiled staring at Irene who was staring back at him with the look that said exactly 'thanks but where are we going with this?'
"You are so hard-headed at times, I wonder what kind of person can match you. Then she came and I now know what kind of partner you need."
Irene's face turned hot red—not from her tears-shedding activity earlier, but her father's words. How on earth her old man came to that conclusion, she too, could not fathom.
"Sh—She's not my partner, dad."
"Oh, sorry for assuming things," her father laughed instead, "I could've sworn you were already married from the way you fought."
"She's a woman, dad. As I am a woman," Irene was actually confused by the way how relaxed her father was about the idea and surprised too because she had never expected that coming from her parents. They were pretty traditional so it had never occurred to her that her father would give that kind of reaction to the topic. Suddenly, it felt like a burden was lifted from her chest that it made her wonder if that was ever a problem she thought about but had never really given much attention that it became layers of a burden on its own.
"Is that really your concern?" He shrugged, "Because, from the way I see it, that doesn't seem like the issue here."
"Then what is?"
"You're scared, Joohyun," he claimed, "And I've never seen you quite like this before. She must mean a great deal for you that you guard yourself up twice harder than you used to," her father chuckled—the creases around his eyes that resembled Irene's so much could perfectly draw his age, "You should stop chasing people who want to love you away. It's unfair to you—mostly."
He stared at her. That was the most serious her father had ever been to her. He was usually all goofy.
"I think you're scared that one day she will wake up, realise and see all the ugly parts of you that she chooses to no longer embrace. You're scared because you have always been in control and this is one you can't possibly control. I don't even know where you pick that trait from because your mum and I, we are pretty chill," he laughed.
"Pretty sure I get it from mum and you love us anyway," Irene shrugged, sipping on her glass. She always ended up fighting with her mum anyway, they shared the same energy.
"I'm her husband, I chose her, are you saying I have poor taste now?" He eyed his daughter who seemed to be a bit lighter than she was before.
"What about me? You didn't choose me."
"I'm your father. I didn't have that many options, now did I?" He laughed but then chose otherwise when he saw Irene glaring at him. His daughter could be scary sometimes. He cleared his throat as he continued, "Life is messy, kid, but love is even messier. So if you can find someone who can actually care enough for you to come all the way to a foreign place just so she can make sure you're alright then you're basically winning. Your mother and I want nothing but for you to be happy; whoever you choose to share your happiness with—as long as they are kind and responsible, we cannot care less. We're pretty cool, you know," he smiled at his daughter, then he proceed to ask his million-dollar question.
"So the question now is, are you ready to be happy?"
Irene was stunned in her trance. A lot of things were clearly brewing in her mind. Her father looked at her as he sighed and placed his hand on his daughter's shoulder seemingly trying to encourage her. Sometimes, even the boldest people needed a little nudge.
"Not that you ask, but she's outside."
It was bloody cold outside!
Irene quickly grabbed every blanket her hands could land on and rushed herself out of the house where she found out that her father's words were true because on the little stairs at her parents' porch she could see Lisa sitting silently under the bare night sky. She approached the woman who seemed to fail to notice and hear her footsteps because when she wrapped her in the blanket Lisa flinched as if her heart was about to burst out of her chest.
"I'm sorry," Irene said after she sat close to Lisa, who silently wrapped Irene's body together with hers inside the thick blanket. It was chilly after all.
"I know, I'm at fault too. I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry if I cause you any trouble," Lisa answered her with her head hung low. She did not dare to stare into Irene's eyes.
"You—," Irene sighed then she heaved a long breath, "Why do you always go through such a length for me, Lisa?" The question made Lisa turn her head to Irene and looked at her right in the eyes; something Irene sort of regretted doing because those eyes were basically her undoing.
"Because it's you, Joohyunnie."
"You shouldn't worry about me," Irene tear her eyes away from Lisa's gaze.
"I will always worry about you."
"I'm fine," Irene claimed poorly.
"I've told you, it's okay even if you're not. I got you."
"But we're supposed to be strangers, aren't we?"
That they were. Lisa did not forget that they were supposed to be just strangers in that scenario because Irene was not ready.
"I know," But for that night, just for that night, Lisa wished she could be of help, casting Irene's burden away, embracing her in her arms, for that night keeping her safe. She sighed, she hoped Irene understand.
"But for tonight, let me be a friend and tomorrow I'll leave you be."
It sounded like that would last forever.
As if Lisa would leave her and never come back. They were too immature at that moment to love each other and Irene did not want to force anything. Lisa knew that and although it sounded like she had given up on Irene, she knew in that lifetime, it was Irene or not anybody else. They did not give up on each other, they simply let the waves of the ocean take them places. Still, having a word or two about it would not cause any harm.
"Will you wait for me, Lisa?"
She smiled faintly.
"In this lifetime, Joohyunnie, I probably will always be waiting for you."
"What about another?"
She shrugged.
"That's not mine to ponder on."
Lisa might not know a lot of things about Irene but she knew how Irene was; how she always put people first before herself, how she always thought things through before doing something, how she always tried to look fine even when she was breaking inside, how she always carried the burden of others on her back. Irene probably had a hundred things she thought about, but her own well-being was not even on the close one hundred and one. And Lisa always wondered about what kind of a person Irene was when she was just Joohyun.
Her thought was abruptly stopped as Irene laid her head on her broad shoulder, making the younger tense up. Her slight movement was not so subtle that Irene had to take a grip on her arm signalling her to stay still.
"Let's stay like this for a while."
Irene did not ask her to take her burden away from her. She was vulnerable but she would never show it. Her crying for help was concealed underneath her harsh words—she picked a fight and she lashed out in anger, but at the end of the day, she was the one who would stay and hold your hand in hers.
And that was the kind of a person Irene was when she was just Joohyun—the one she was in love with.
"Okay."