SEVEN'S POV
With every beat of silence between us my heart sinks lower and lower. I don't know what I was expecting, I knew it was going to be bad but still I didn't know it was going to be like this. Lilianna hasn't said a single word to me. Instead those gold rimmed eyes stare at me in a silent judgement making me wish I could rewind it all back to moments ago when those plump lips were moving against mine and her body was begging for me to feel her again.
But she had to know. I needed to tell her before things got too far, before she could regret anything. Regret me.
I take a deep breath, feeling it get stuck in my chest as I inhale. The cold wind clings to the wetness in my eyes causing them to sting even more and I dig the heels of my palms into my sockets before dragging my hands down my cheeks, ridding myself of the escaped tears. I feel slightly embarrassed of the emotional reaction, I don't want her to see me cry. I can count the amount of times I've cried in my life on one hand, this will be one of those few times but fuck if this doesn't completely suck. I hope she didn't notice, I don't want her to feel obligated to pity me in some way just because I'm crying. I want to blame my uncontrollable emotions on the lack of cocaine my body is missing but honestly it's because I'm frightened. I'm scared the revelation of what I've done has ruined any chance of Lily being in my life and ultimately ruined her opinion of me.
I stare at the woman I'm so desperately in love with and terrified of losing as she looks back at me with an unfamiliarity that puts an ache in my chest. Silently Lilianna's eyes fall to her feet before she steps around me to retrieve her fathers diary she dropped while kissing me. I want her to say something, I wish she would say something. Anything. But she doesn't.
I sniff and quickly wipe my nose on the back of my hand, even though it is not running it feels congested a little from my few tears.
"Lily?" My voice is a little shaky as I move around to her and she looks at me again, her face guarded and unreadable.
"Do you... Do you hate me now?" I ask her. Lilianna frowns slightly and replies by shifting her eyes down to the diary in her hands, my stomach twists. I've lost her, I know I have and the realisation sets fresh tears welling in my eyes.
"Can you take me home?" She asks so quietly I would miss it if I weren't vigilantly awaiting and hoping for some communication from her. I wipe my eyes again and nod, not trusting my voice to reply.
Lily follows behind me, her quietude continuing to the walk to the car and on the drive back to her apartment. I catch a glimpse of myself in the view finder while driving and I've never looked worse. My eyes are red and puffy from my brief crying, the dark circles under them more prominent than ever from my lack of decent sleep. I look fucking awful on the outside and I feel just as worse inside.
When I reach Lilianna's street I slow the car down, trying to drag out these last moments with her. She unbuckles her seatbelt when the car stops outside and I close my eyes in defeat, waiting for the sound of her door opening and closing. She stays a moment longer then I expect and to my utter disbelief asks,
"Aren't you coming in?"
My head whips to look over at her in incredulity. Did she really ask me if I'm coming inside or did I imagine it?
"What?" I ask just in case my mind really is playing sick tricks on me.
Lilianna's brown eyes meet mine shyly, they flicker around my face but settle every other second on my eyes.
"Inside." She tips her head in a nod, gesturing to her apartment.
"I didn't think—" I begin but stop myself.
"Yes. Yes I'll come in if you want me to." I accept, scared she may change her mind. But she doesn't, instead she gives me one of her very tiny Mona Lisa smiles and gets out the car.
My heart hammers unevenly as I follow Lilianna through the entrance of her building and up the stairs. I have no idea why she's invited me up. I don't think even she knows why herself. Surely anyone in their right mind would be running the other way after what I told her. If Lilianna had told me she had killed someone I... Well I probably wouldn't run away. The comparison isn't a very good one, it would take more then that to scare me off of her. I mean I love the girl, I doubt there is anything that could cause me to run. Not anymore.
Lilianna shrugs off her large coat and places her fathers beaten up diary on the dining table as I close her apartment door. When I turn back around to her she's standing right in front of me, her close proximity taking me slightly by surprise. She doesn't say anything, her kind eyes look between mine before I feel one of her small hands take to one of my own.
She leads gently and I follow without question. Lilianna pulls me to the small bathroom of her apartment. Confused, I observe in silence as she drops my hand to lean over the old looking claw foot bathtub situated to the far wall. The metal piping groans as she turns the hot water on, plugging the tub so the water collects quickly at the bottom. With the bath running Lily turns back to me, eyes glancing up once at my face before she slowly and hesitantly reaches for my top. I don't protest as she begins cautiously unbuttoning my black shirt avoiding my watchful eyes as she does. I'm unsure what her intentions are but when all the buttons are open Lily pushes the fabric from my shoulders and down my arms.
Is this bath intended for me?
Next her attention goes to the buckle of my belt, her knuckles graze the skin under my bellybutton as she unclasps it, causing a jolt of overwrought through me. With the buckle undone she easily unbuttons my jeans, then lowers my zipper causing the jeans to loosen on my hips. With little effort they fall down my legs and Lily drops to a squat to pull them from around my feet.
"Shoes." She softly demands and I use a heel to toe motion to rid my feet of my shoes quickly for her. Lily helps pull my socks off before guiding me to step out of my jeans. She rises to stand tall in front of me again, having placed my clothes and shoes to the side in a small, neat pile on the floor. When her hands confidently hold the waistband of my briefs to rid me of my last item of clothing I wrap my fingers around her wrists to stop her. She looks up at me with flushed cheeks, her mouth open slightly as she breathes.
Lilianna pauses her hold on my boxers, staying completely still as my hands drift slowly from her wrists, up her arms to the collar of the t-shirt she's wearing. I watch her face for any sign of negation but she just stares back up at me, her eyes asking me what her mouth won't. I drag my fingertips over the slightly clammy skin of her neck, the steam from the running hot water causing a few stray blonde hairs to stick to the side of her neck. Her skin is so soft as I dip my fingers just under the collar, causing her eyes to flutter slightly at my touch.
"Can I?" I ask in a whisper no louder then the water spilling from the gold faucet. Seeming to know exactly what I'm asking Lilianna nods and lifts up her arms. My hands take the bottom of her t-shirt and peel it off of her, dropping the material in the pile with my own on the floor. I'm caught off guard to see her naked chest, surprised at her lack of underwear but I don't question it. Instead my hands move to rid her of her skirt next, it falls to her feet and she steps out of it quickly, leaving her in only a pair of simple grey underpants. There's something oddly attentive in undressing someone this way. It's slow, intimate - not necessarily sexual but somehow compassionate. Lilianna's hands take my boxers again and we simultaneously remove each other's last remaining item of clothing between us.
Left to the floor, she steps over our clothing, takes my hand in hers again and brings me to the bath. She shuts off the water and immediately the bathroom is drastically quieter. The only sound being both mine and Liliy's quiet, nervous puffs of breath.
"What-" I begin to ask.
"Shh." She interrupts me and steps into the full bath encouraging me in with her hand around mine.
The water is hot but inviting as we settle down into the tub. I can't remember the last time I even had a bath, probably when I was a kid. And I've definitely never bathed with someone before. My mind thinks back to sharing a shower with Lilianna. I had never showered with anyone then either, the idea of it seemed so intimate to me - so personal. The concept of showering with someone practically terrified me but I had been so comfortable with Lilianna that I did it. Although, the time that we showered together we progressed into something quite the opposite of getting clean. But this doesn't feel like that, there's no amorous energy flowing between us. There's nothing sexual about this as Lily sits across from me in the tub, her hands hold my right as she inspects the bruising around my knuckles from the few hits I landed against her friends last night at the bar, her brows knitted together in concern.
I watch her carefully, trying to understand how I went from crying in the car thinking I was never going to see her again from my awful confessions, to her sitting in a hot bath with me inspecting my minor injuries. Lilianna takes a white wash cloth from the side of the bath, soaks it in the water before pouring some bottle of scented liquid into it. Without a word she scoots closer towards me in the bath and I suck in a sharp breath as she moves to sit over my lap while facing me. I concentrate on her eyes and try not to think about the way her body is touching mine so carnally under the water or about the way her naked lap feels on my own.
Lilianna's eyes keep my contact as she begins dragging the scented wash cloth over my chest. The smell of vanilla spreading over my skin as she begins to wash me, my eyes flutter slightly at the gentle motion of her movements.
"Are you going to talk to me at all about what I told you on the platform?" I ask eventually as Lily dips the cloth back into the water.
"No. Not unless there's anything else you need to tell me about it." She answers and begins washing off the soapy suds from my chest. Lily glances at me as though to check if I have anything more to say on the subject but I shake my head.
"I know you Seven. I know you wouldn't do such a thing if it weren't... Necessary. But if you don't have anything else to tell me regarding what happened then we'll leave it at that." She says calmly, a sense of decisive confidence in her words. The way she's acting is completely throwing me off. I was expecting a fight, or to be told to leave her alone but not this.
"How?" My question is open ended probably because I don't quite know what I'm trying to ask myself. Perhaps I'm asking how she's managing to cope this way? How she's even managed to process what I've told her and yet still be around me, let alone in a bath washing me for Christ sake. As if she knows what I'm trying to ask Lilianna replies, dropping the cloth back to the water. Her golden eyes on mine as she speaks.
"I don't understand it myself." Her eyes drift to my chest.
"I feel like I should be angry at you, or disappointed or maybe a little scared even but I just don't. I don't feel any of that. What you said, about fate and how we were probably meant to find each other, well I guess I believe in that too. All I know for certain, is that I don't want you to disappear on me again." Her eyes are downcast but I can sense the hurt in them as she contemplates the thought of me leaving again. I hook a finger under her chin, rising her face to look at mine once more.
"I won't. I won't leave again I promise." I speak and slightly frown at my choice of the word, "promise."
"I know I promised before but I really mean it this time. I know everything now, you know everything now. Victor won't be able to come between us like he did before. No one will." I tell her as her eye slightly gloss over as they move between mine.
"How do you know that?" She asks in disbelief of my words.
"Because..." I fall short but the words are on the tip of my tongue, waiting for me to confess them. Lilianna stares at me expectantly as the dryness clogs my throat, chocking me silently. I wonder if she can hear the rapid thudding of my heart and very quickly I begin to feel far too hot surrounded by the warm water.
"Because I-" I'm cut off again by the hot branding iron down my throat, absorbing any moisture and leaving me strep and burned. Sensing my sudden inability and difficulty to talk Lilianna's hand rises to caress my cheek.
"It's okay." She assures me.
"We can stop talking of the heavy stuff. I can see how exhausted you are." She mistakes my cowardly reaction to admitting my true feelings as simple fatigue but as soon as she says the words I am reminded of just how tired I really am. She is right, I'm exhausted. Not just from the terrible sleep I had last night but I've been worn down since we've been apart. The constant nightmares, drinking, guilt and drug use have taken its tole on me these last months. But being around her sends me a sense of relief and calm I haven't felt in a very long time.
My eyes are heavy and the hot water switches once again from uncomfortable to comforting in seconds as Lilianna shifts on my lap, turning her body so her back rests against my front in the tub. Immediately my heart slows to a standard, strong rhythm with her body slightly floating gently over mine.
My arms instinctively rest around her, holding onto the most precious thing I will ever come across in my lifetime. Despite every thing I have done, here she is. And there's no way in hell I'm going to let her slip through my fingers so easily again.
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