A/N: Hello. I finally update. <3
Chapter 18: Without you
"Jungkook. Go get Jimin. Tell him we're hungry, and we won't wait anymore."
Still not moving from his spot, Jimin stands still on one of the stairs, looking at the dining room door. How come his mom didn't mention that Jeon family is here, but then he remembers that it's normal. Jeon is also family, and their parents don't usually inform them when they visit because they're not guests. His mom might have forgotten to mention.
Can't think. Can't move. Should he go back up to his room? He should. He's not ready for this. Turning his body back, Jimin starts to walk back up the stairs, but then he freezes again when he hears a familiar voice calling his name.
"Jimin."
Jimin doesn't turn his head to face the owner of the voice. He keeps on walking upstairs.
"Jimin-ah. Finally! Come on, your appa said we can't touch the meatballs until you're here."
Turning around, Jimin bows to Jungkook's dad who's standing behind Jungkook, wrapping his arm around his son. "Hello, uncle." Trying his best to avoid eye contact with Jungkook who's staring at him. "Uhm I'm not feeling well. I might head back to my room."
"Yeah? We can send the food to your room then? Jungkook, go keep Jimin company."
"No! That's fine." Jimin raises his voice. "Ah I mean I want to rest. I'm not very hungry right now."
"But still, Jungkook should keep you company. Your eomma said you haven't been out of your room for days" Jungkook's dad still insists. "Go Jungkook." He taps on Jungkook's shoulder.
The young master Jeon stands still at his spot, not uttering anything. His gaze is still on Jimin who's looking so fine. Too fine for someone getting his heart broken. The dark circles under Jimin's eyes are not too dark. Just a little darker than normal. Jimin's eyes are now swollen. It looks like Jimin has been eating fine. It's good. It's not like Jungkook would expect Jimin to turn into a stick pale ghost, but this makes me doubt how much he matters to his tiny best friend.
Jimin has been ok without him.
"Jungkook, what are you doing? Go hang out with Jimin. We'll send food and a lot of meatballs." Jungkook's dad orders again.
Jungkook finally moves from his spot, reaching to the stairs. He walks up slowly towards Jimin who's looking at him.
"Actually, I'll join you guys." Jimin announces before he rushes to the first floor without looking at Jungkook who moves aside to give me the access.
Being alone with Jungkook in his room where all the memories are still alive is for sure not better than eating at the same table as Jungkook. Rejecting Jungkook to be in his room would make the parents wonder, and the last thing he wants right now is being questioned.
The dinner goes on with adult conversation about their work and life. Jeon and Park love to catch up with each other. They share the business idea, struggles and how to deal with people. Jimin and Jungkook eat quietly. Their eyes meet from time to time. It's new for Jungkook how Jimin is able to hold eye contact during their fight. They're fighting right? It's not like this friendship is going to end, right?
"Jimin, are you not enjoying the food?" Jimin's dad asks as he looks at his son.
"I am, why?" Jimin's lips are parted, tilting his head while looking at his father.
"Are you expecting him to eat like a pig? Let him eat how he wants. He's enjoying it." Jimin's mom gives his dad a glare.
"It's his first time ever being heartbroken. He should be eating like there's no tomorrow."
Jimin's eyes widened at the words. His body feels tense. He looks down on his food, trying to breathe. Trying his best not to show his emotions especially in front of Jungkook.
"Seungho!" Jimin's mother shoots a death glare at his dad. "All you have to do is to eat and enjoy this meal." She rolls her eyes at how her husband always lets things slip from his mouth. "Seriously? Did you have to mention that?"
"Ah Jimin-ah, appa is sorry. I just can't wait to see you relax. Tell appa the fastest way to make you feel better? I'll do whatever." Seungho says softly. "I'm not trying to raise you with money, and we are here for you, but shopping would make things better. Oh or a trip to Japan? We can all go. Does that sound good?"
"That's fine, appa. I don't want to miss the last weeks of school, and I'm feeling much better now that a bubbly Suengho is out." Jimin lets out a chuckle. A bubbly Suengho who can't stop talking nonsense when he's worried and nervous. He shakes his head with a soft smile as he looks at his dad, thinking it's cute how his dad is. It's relaxing and comforting.
So comforting that he actually forgets for a second that the person who broke his heart is sitting right in front of him. Right when Jimin is about to turn his head back on his food, his gaze happens to pass to Jungkook who's staring at him. His smile fades. Jungkook doesn't deserve to see him smile. A frown is being shown on his face instead of that soft smile that reaches his eyes, staring back at the owner of those big doe eyes.
Staring contest.
"Heartbreak? Our sweet Jiminie is heartbroken? By who?" Jungkook's dad raises his voice. Ignoring a glare he gets from his wife, he glances at Jungkook to see if his son knows about this. "Jungkook? Did you know about this?"
Not knowing what to say, Jungkook glances at his dad quickly before he stares back at Jimin who's still staring at him.
"Of course, Jungkook would know about this. He just has enough manners not to bring this up like you guys." It's Jungkook's mom who speaks this time. "Right? Jungkook?"
"Ah I mean uhm..."
"I just had this stupid crush on this jerk at school. It's not really a big deal." Jimin says as his gaze is still on Jungkook's big doe eyes.
Stupid crush?
Jungkook raises his eyebrows for two reasons. First, really? he was really just a stupid crush? Second, why are those two words bothering him?
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jungkook's mom asks. Seeing Jimin growing, she sees Jimin as his son too.
"Eomma, let's not make him feel uncomfortable." Jungkook speaks up.
"Ah ok ok. Sorry Jimin-ah. I'm just wo-"
"Actually, he's the worst." Jimin still looks at Jungkook as he lets out a frustrating sigh. There are so many things flooding out of Jimin's mind, but he can only speak that one sentence.
"He's one of your classmates? I mean. You're about to become a young adult, so if anything, clear things out with him? Maybe scold him and tell him how he hurt your feelings? Closure is what you want." Jungkook's mom tries to talk about it with Jimin. She's glad how Jimin rants out. Even a very short rant.
"I already got closure that he's the worst, ajumma." Jimin turns to his beloved aunty. "And it's not like he cares about how I feel. My words wouldn't matter. Honestly, he's not worth talking to. His face is the last thing I want to see or think of. Breathing the same air with him is making me sick."
"From what I remember, he always treats you nice as a friend, and he told you so many times that it's nothing more than that. He made that very clear." Now it's Jungkook who speaks. The pair of big doe eyes are widening with anger, staring at Jimin. "He doesn't care about your feelings? How can you say something like that?"
"I mean what I was saying because he doesn't care. He really doesn't. He led me on with his blurry actions and at the same time kept throwing me in that friendzone. He's selfish. So selfish." Jimin raises his voice.
"Selfish huh? Maybe he's not selfish, but he just had to keep you from your imagination." Jungkook's lips are parted. He realizes his words might be too strong especially in a situation like this. That 'selfish' word hit him too hard the way Jimin said it as if the friendship he's been offering meant nothing to Jimin.
Hurt?
Jimin tilts his head, looking at Jungkook in disbelief. "Jungkook, don't you remember what he did right after I confessed? Should I talk about it?"
"What did he do?" Jimin's dad asks, curiously. Young Park and Jeon can tell how the man is mad by a frown shown on his face.
"It's what he needs to do because you were being delusional over that friendship he gave you."
"Which one are you talking about? The one after the amusement park or the one at the party? Which one did he need to do to keep me from being delusional?" Jimin is far from raising his voice. He's shouting.
The flashback of sex with Jungkook after they came back from the amusement park comes up. Jungkook's heart eyes are still fresh in his mind, but then they are being interrupted with the image of Jungkook kissing the other girl. The most cruel way to push him away.
"Jimin-ah, what did that jerk do to you?" Jungkook's dad asks,raising his voice.
"Is it so wrong to want to keep you as his friend? Did you have to ruin the friendship by that stupid crush you had on him?" Jungkook raises his voice.
"Jungkook, why are you defending that kid? Jimin's your best friend. Listen to him." Jungkook's dad speaks to his son. The parents look at both of their children back and forth. They did not expect things to be tense this quickly.
"Ruin the friendship huh?" Jimin places down his chopstick before he tabs on the table, letting out another frustrating sigh. Letting a sarcastic chuckle as he rolls his eyes. "You and me, we both know I wasn't the only one ruining that friendship. I'm going to excuse myself. I'm so sorry, but I can't do this right now." Jimin gets up and bow quickly before he walks furiously on the way to his room.
"Jimin! Now you're going to run?" Jungkook gets up and follows, leaving their parents to look at each other confused at what's going on, and how the situation turns out to be.
Right when Jimin realizes he's being followed by his best friends who's way faster and whose legs are way longer, he starts to run as fast as he can upstairs to his room.
"Park Jimin, stop!"
"Go away, Jungkook." Jimin shouts while he's about to reach the room. Punching the password to enter his own room quickly, Jimin curses their home security. Who would have thought he'd be chased into his own room? He succeeds punching in combinations, but who is Jimin to think that he can be faster than Jungkook? Right when the smaller boy finally enters his room, he fails to close the door.
"I'm not going anywhere." Jungkook pushes the door hard against Jimin who's also pushing with all his strength from the other side.
"Get the fuck away from my face!" Jimin pushes the door as hard as he can. It becomes a lot easier for him to shut the door. Since when has he had more strength than Jungkook? Jimin tilts his head while leaning his back against the door, but he hears the 'ding' sound from the locks. His eyes widened. Jimin tries his best to put all his weight to the door. "How did he know? Oh my god. Be stupid for once fucking Jungkook. Ouch!" Jimin can't curse for any longer when the door suddenly slams on his back right when he loses balance. Jeon Jungkook is finally in Jimin's room.
"Jimin, I'm sorry. Are you ok?" Jungkook rushes to the floor where Jimin is at, wrapping his arm around Jimin's waist to lift his best friend up. Jimin's familiar smell hits his nose, and he gulps at how satisfying and relaxing it feels.
"Don't touch me." Jimin pushes Jungkook away as soon as he stands up. "How did you know the password? Don't invade my privacy like that, and don't touch me without my consent! Get out." Jimin keeps pushing Jungkook to the door, but the taller boy is not being affected by the push.
"It's either my birthday or yours. Not that hard to guess." Jungkook says calmly while looking at how Jimin is still trying hard to push him away. "Will you stop?" Jungkook decides to grab both of Jimin's hands.
"Let go." Jimin tries to yank his hands away, but that only makes Jungkook grab him tighter. "Jungkook! Let go!"
Jungkook doesn't follow. He turns Jimin around and presses Jimin's smaller frame against the wall. "Calm down, please?" Looking right into Jimin's eyes, Jungkook finds comfort even though those eyes are being so mad at him right now.
"I'm not going to calm down until you let go! You selfish mother fucker!" Jimin still shouts. His face is red. His eyes are intimidating.
It's so different from Jungkook's eyes. He never knew Jimin could be this mad because Jimin's eyes have been soft even when he's mad. And why is he liking it better when Jimin is being aggressive and cursing him like this? And not in a childish way like he used to.
"I'm sorry, Jimin. I didn't mean to be selfish. What I've done was terrible, and I am truly sorry. I know I don't deserve forgiveness, but what do I need to do for you to forgive me?" Still holding onto Jimin's hands, Jungkook tries to make Jimin listen. His voice is soft. The young Jeon boy is feeling extremely guilty for what he said earlier at the table. Jungkook was mad. So mad at those words that came out from Jimin.
For Jimin, he's not worth talking to anymore?
In Jimin's eyes, he's the worst, and Jimin doesn't even want to see his face?
Jimin doesn't want his presence.
How can Jimin say that he doesn't care about him?
But then it hit him when Jimin mentioned what he had done. Guilt takes over him, so Jungkook, for the first time, is scared. Scared that his only best friend will slip away. He's scared that he won't get to see that crescent smile and comforting voice again. For the first time, Jungkook is scared to death.
Jimin's eyes become watery. He succeeds in taking his hands off from Jungkook's hold. "Can you go back to that day and undo everything?" He utters while looking at Jungkook.
"Jimin-ah."
"Obviously, you can't." Jimin shifts his gaze away. He can't even hate or be mad at his best friend, but Jungkook doesn't deserve to know that. "You know, Jungkook. I've been thinking so hard on how to live with what happened. To actually continue my life with the fact that you've done such a thing."
"Is it so wrong to try to keep our friendship and not let that benefit thing get in a way?" Jungkook asks softly. "I just need to make it clear."
"And did you need to fuck me right after you knew that I..." Jimin lets out a sigh. "t-that I have feelings for you? It's this part that hurts me. How could you do that as a friend? As my best friend, how could you?"
"I-I tried. I was trying. I was trying to figure out if I feel the same." Jungkook looks down on the floor. Guilt is going to stay with him forever. "I'm extremely selfish for doing that." He curses himself so much for being so reckless like that. It's a secret that Jungkook didn't get any answer.
Jimin looks at Jungkook with pain in his eyes. "Are you being serious? You have no idea how stupid I am feeling right now. I thought you were trying to comfort me." Tears finally fall down from Jimin's eyes. He wipes his tears quickly and obviously, not trying to hide that he's crying. He appreciates Jungkook being honest, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts him so badly. "You know Jungkook. It doesn't hurt much anymore that you don't feel the same. The pains of me seeing you kissing that girl will eventually go away, but the pain from you using sex with me just to figure out your feelings right after you knew about mine, how am I going to live with that? How am I going to live with the fact that my best friend did that? How can I ever trust you again?!"
"Jimin, you know you can trust me." Jungkook steps closer to Jimin who's turning his back before walking to the window.
"Did you really have to do that?" Jimin is reckless, walking around the room while Jungkook is standing still looking at the smaller frame. The urge to hug Jimin is strong, and he believes it's because he just wants to comfort Jimin. "If you don't feel the same, you could have just ended our benefits verbally. Did you have to go that far?"
"I'm your best friend, and we need to keep it that way. I really am so-" Jungkook doesn't finish the sentence, he's interrupted by Jimin. It feels like words are pouring out of his mouth like a waterfall.
"Exactly! then act like a friend. Be my friend even if this friend has feelings for you. It's not like I've been acting possessive over you. Did you need to stomp on my heart like that? I'm leaving in two weeks for fuck sake. Couldn't just buy me some more time to spend with you? If I was being delusional, couldn't you just let me be for a little while longer? I planned on getting over you when I leave for school anyways. I'm going to meet someone new. The feeling for you would be just a crush, and when I come back, we'll still be best friends. Did you really need to make that choice and decided to end it in the most painful way? My feelings don't mean anything to you, do they?" Jimin rests his hands on his hips, looking up at the ceiling, trying to calm down. "Because of your blurry actions, my delusional self used to think that deep down, there's Jungkook who has feelings for me too, but after what you've done, it's a confirmation that you don't care. You really don't even like me as a friend. Is this friendship even real from the start?"
"What do you mean I don't care? I've always been taking care of you. I care about your well being. I care about your grades enough to share my notes and even cheated on the exa-"
"Jungkook! I can get my own food. I can drive by myself. I can prepare my own sunblocks. I can even get notes from someone else. Those things are nice, but it's not what I needed."
"But I was really tr-"
"Do you remember the last time you truly listened to me? Because I don't even remember when it was. Do you know why I always talk to Tae? Because he doesn't throw my feelings away even when I talk about something super silly. Not like you, he takes everything I said seriously. He never judged or made me feel like I'm not good enough with whatever I do. If you think about it carefully, don't you think we're not even compatible as friends?"
Jungkook's lips are parted at Jimin's words. "H-how can you say something like that? Don't say something like that. I-I w-e we..." Jungkook can't seem to argue. He can't deny that Jimin is right. It's rare, but this is Jungkook's turn to not knowing what to say.
"The truth is we were best friends because of our parents. We didn't even get to choose."
"That's not true. We get along. Jimin, no one knows you like I do, and you know that." It's true. Jungkook knows that Jimin knows that too.
"Jungkook, you and I are different. We don't like the same food. We don't believe in the same things. You listen to your brain while I live by emotions. I don't have my shit together. You complain about the way I dress, the way I eat, the way I live my life, and most of all you complain when I actually say what I feel. I can't even vent with you because for you, my feelings are nonsense. I don't study as hard as you. I can't seem to satisfy you at all, so tell me Jungkook, other than sex, what are we really compatiable about?"
Silent takes over the room. Jimin breathes heavily. He himself couldn't believe he said it all. What he's been feeling for years. That might be the reason Jimin decides to say everything. Losing Jungkook is something he's dead scared of, but since everything is messed up, it's not like he has anything else to lose.
"I know how to make you talk. I can always guess your emotions. I know how you feel most of the time. I can read your mind, and you know that no one knows you as much as I do." It's the first time Jungkook feels like he's not enough for Jimin. Jungkook always thought he's good as Jimin's friend for taking care of him, but he just realized they're not exactly what Jimin needs.
"You always try to make me talk about things I don't want to. Trying to squeeze out the truth out of me, but then you'd throw away whatever I vent about by telling me what I feel doesn't make sense. They're my feelings, Jungkook. Feelings don't need to make sense. They don't need to be smart. All I ever needed was for you to listen even if you don't understand, just find ways to comfort me because Jungkook, just one hug would be more than enough. Do you even remember the last time you hugged me?"
Jungkook purses his lips while looking down on the floor. He can't move or think of anything to say, trying to process everything. Flashbacks come to his mind like scenes in the movie, and Jimin is right. He didn't think those things he's done will rile up in Jimin's mind like that. "You're right. I did a bad job taking care of your emotions and feelings. I should have listened, but Jimin, am I that bad as your friend? Am I that terrible? Is it so wrong to try to keep you as my friend?" Asking softly, Jungkook does not know that there's a glimpse of sadness and pain slipping out.
"You didn't need to do anything to keep being your friend. I was your best friend, and I was not going anywhere.
Was?
Jungkook doesn't hesitate right after the thoughts. It's spontaneous, and even Jimin didn't see it coming. The taller friend hugs his best friend tightly. One of his arms wrap around Jimin's waist while the other one holds Jimin's head to rest on his shoulder. "I am really sorry."
The smaller boy can't move. It's comforting to inhale Jungkook's scent. Not moving, Jimin himself wants to embrace the warmth. The warmth he's been longing for. This kind of touch from Jungkook he misses so much. The kind he never thought he'd get to feel it again, so he made up his mind.
To let go.
Who would have thought that those things will become memories overnight. Jimin wasn't prepared that he won't get to feel those touches again. The touch that never belonged to him in the first place. Never in his darkest dream that things would end this way. End. Yes, that was the end. Everything is over.
"How can I make this up to you? Please tell me." I can't lose you. A phrase Jungkook is too scared to say. He doesn't want to make anything blurry.
"I need some time." Jimin utters as he pulls back from Jungkook's hold.
"We're still best friends right? You're still my best friend, and I'm still yours right?" Jungkook doesn't let go of Jimin's body while asking. His hand grabs Jimin's waist way too tight that a frown is shown on Jimin's face.
Looking at the pair of big doe eyes made Jimin's heart melt. He's still fallen deep into those eyes, big nose and thin lips. He's still so much in love with everything Jeon Jungkook. "I really want to say it, Jungkook." Shifting his gaze down on Jungkook's strong shoulder, Jimin inhales and exhales deeply. As much as he wants to confirm that their friendship is still on. It still hurts. "But I really need time." Slowly removing Jungkook's hand from his own body, Jimin makes his way to the door before he opens it. "You should go."
Staring deep right into Jimin's eyes, Jungkook is trying to convince himself that he will get to see them again. Jimin would let him look at those eyes again, right? "For how long? How long do you need?"
"I really don't know."
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End of chapter
A/N: how have you guys been?