SEVEN'S POV
The chilling night air hits me as soon as I step out of Lilianna's building. I step to the side of the door, leaning my back against the hard bricks and take a few deep breaths.
"Fuck!" My voice echos down the dark, empty street, my head falls back to smack against the wall in vexation. Eyes finding the warm glow of her apartment lights above me as I begin to second guess what I've just done.
Have I just fucked everything up? Should I have kept the information to myself? I wouldn't of been able to properly explain to her why I left without going into all of it. Maybe I should of just left her alone. I've been so fucking selfish about wanting her back in my life I hadn't really stopped to think about how this would all make Lilianna feel. I hadn't come to the conclusion that by telling her the truth she'd hate me more for it.
"Fucking hell." I groan and push myself off the wall. I meant what I said to her. She shouldn't be alone but I understand if she wants some time and if when she does eventually want some company that I wouldn't be her first choice. That doesn't change the fact that I wish I was.
I climb into my car, feeling like a failure. Seeing her in that pub with her friends I should have taken the hint. She didn't need this drama in her life, she didn't need me. Absentmindedly my fingers pinch at my bottom lip, musing over the memory of how her lips briefly pressed to mine in the bathroom stall. Perhaps she did need me.
Her confession that she had missed me too while we had been apart started stitching my insides back together with a golden thread of hope. She has missed me at least, that's something I can build on.
I just hope me telling her about her parents hasn't completely fucked this whole thing up. I need her to give me a second chance, she has to. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do if she doesn't. I clearly can't move on from her and I comprehensibly find it hard to stay away from the girl.
My mind muddles with what I'm going to do next when the impending itch begins to scratch at my being. My mind and body is being drawn by an invisible line to the metal tin I know is shoved in the glovebox. It's calling my name as if it knows I'm currently weak to its song.
My nails scratch at a small stain on the knee of my jeans as I try my best to ignore it. But it doesn't take long, soon the call turns into a silent scream and I'm reaching over and pulling the tin out of the cubby. It sits in the palm of my hand like a loaded grenade as I fight with my conscious to not pull the pin. I know I need to stop. I had promised I would be sober in return for the access to Lilianna.
Lilianna.
How is she going to react to this? If it turns out all odds are stacked in my favour and she decides against her better judgment that she even wants me in her life again how will she react to this? Or even worse, how am I going to tell her about what I've done? The drugs are a problem, but they seem minor in the fact that I've now attained other demons. I've killed someone. My own shame and guilt that I've been struggling with because of it will be nothing compared to how Lilianna will feel. Her opinion of me matters more than anything. I'm definitely not the same person I was when we were last together, and this revelation will cause her to never want to speak to me again. I just know it.
My hand grips the tin as I look up at the second floor windows, still luminous in the dark night. My priorities are fucked right now, the only thing I should be caring about is up there in that very apartment. My eyes look down to the tin of cocaine, realising this is nothing but another barrier between me and her. What I want is her, what I need is her and this substance has no place with her around.
I quickly hop out of the car and pace a few rushed steps around to the greenery of the park. Without another thought I launch the narcotics deep into the bushes where no one would find them, not even myself. I don't want that shit around her, and if I'm going to want to be around her I can't be on it. Not anymore. I need to think properly about my next plan, about Lily, about Victor, about my life. Cocaine has done nothing but melt my brain for the last four months. I needed that feeling back then, but I don't anymore. I need to be sober, properly sober. For Lily.
I stay in my car, watching for any signs of her at her windows the rest of the night. But I don't see her, she makes no attempt for communication and when the lights finally flick off at two in the morning I figure she's gone to bed. I don't leave. I recline my seat and imagine a time when I once got to share a bed with her. The comforting memories play for me into my own slumber.
My sleep is broken and absolutely shit. I wake numerous times from my own nightmares or noises on the street. My back aches from the uncomfortable narrow seat but eventually I'm able to get a decent stretch of sleep at around four in the morning.
Although I'm asleep my mind teeters on the edge of consciousness, flowing between a dreaming and semi awake state. Victor's dark eyes and golden toothed menacing smile haunt me as he aims his pistol at a crying little blonde girl. In spite of the fact that I know this is only a dream it feels incredibly real. I feel like I'm right in the history of the moment as I run forward, collecting the little girl into my arms and turning my back to Victor, shielding a little Lilianna from his bullet.
Like a puff of smoke the small body cradled in my arms disappears and in stead I'm standing in that god awful, run down Japanese take away shop that likes to torture me with guilt. I am walking forward, following Tixs into that dirty back room. What awaits for me next is as awful as the first time I had this nightmare. Chained to the filthy mattress is Lilianna. Her legs bare and grubby with marks all over them. Hair mattered and unwashed, her skin pale and face gaunt with sickness.
"Help me, Seven." She whispers weakly and I lean forward to her, my hands reach out to her frail body.
"I'll get you out of here, I've got you." I promise her, my voice choked in tears at the wretched scene.
"Who did this to you?" I demand and she looks past me, her nimble finger pointing to someone behind me.
"He did." She says and I turn around. I find it hard to breathe when I see the singular man standing in the middle of the room. Tixs and everyone else that was here moments ago are completely gone and I watch as the abandoned restaurant morphs into nothing but a black room. The man stays standing a few feet away from me, unmoving as he just watches back. I recognise him right away, how could I not...
It's me.
"Seven!" I'm startled awake, gasping profusely as I sit up immediately in fright. My brain gets its gatherings and realises although the dreams were vivid, they were not real. And I am not in some black room with another version of myself and Lilianna chained to a mattress. No, I am in fact sitting in my car while Lily knocks on the window next to me.
I am surprised and shocked to see her standing there, peering into the tinted windows even though she can't see me. I glance to the clock display on my dashboard. It's only eight in the morning and I can feel the lack of sleep in my heavy eyelids. I blink and press my palms into my eyes to try wake myself up a little before rolling down the window Lilianna is leading in to. She bends down to my window, a large thick coat hugging her body but her legs are bare. Knees flushed from the cold air.
"Uh, hey." My voice is croaky as I pull my seat up right from reclining. Lily eyes me for a second, her gaze taking in me sitting in my car.
"Did you really sleep in here?" She asks and I nod. Her brows lift in consternation as though she didn't believe me when I said I would be waiting for her all night. Lilianna's full lips fold into her mouth and I look down to the tattered leather book she's holding in her hands. When she doesn't say anything I get the impression she's a little apprehensive, which in turn makes me nervous.
"Are you okay?" I decided to ask since she doesn't speak.
"Um, yeah sorry." She stands upright so she's not bending down to my window any longer.
"I uh, well I wanted to thank you for being honest last night. It seems you're the only person in my life that's actually told me truth about all this shit." Her hazel eyes squint slightly like she's trying to control the emotions she's feeling as she talks to me. I wish I could just reach out and hug her, but I don't think she wants that from me anymore.
"Of course." I nod and Lily drops her gaze from me. Worried that she might leave I speak again.
"I would never lie to you Lilianna. I know you probably don't trust me anymore since I left but I will always tell you the truth. No matter how bad it might be." I promise and immediately guilt stings at me. She doesn't know everything yet. But fuck is it going to hurt telling her what I've done.
Lily nods, biting onto her bottom lip. I can't tell if she's feeling awkward, nervous or just doesn't know how to act around me anymore. But I can tell she's on edge as she stands outside my car. My eyes train on the old book she clutches, wondering what it is and why she's brought it out here with her.
"Can you drive me somewhere?" Lilianna asks, taking me by surprise.
"Yeah of course." I sit up a little more in my seat. While she rounds my car I take an inconspicuous sniff of my underarm, and then a quick check of my breath. She gets into the car and my nervous hands start the ignition, eyes glancing over to her as she buckles herself in.
Lily pulls up the directions on the built in navigation system and I follow the blue arrow down the streets along with it. She stays quiet and my nerves continue to build with the silence. I can't help myself, letting my eyes continuously glance over at her or at her bare knees sitting next to me. It seems inconceivable to me that she's even here or that she's even asked me for a ride. I had assumed she would wake up today hating me even more so this is a shock. A nice and welcomed shock but a surprise all the same.
Her book she's carrying sits on her lap, both her hands rest over it like she's scared to lose it somehow. It doesn't look like a normal book, maybe it's her diary?
"I can see you staring at me." Lily speaks and my eyes flick to hers and then out the windshield, embarrassed to have been caught.
"S-Sorry." I stutter quietly. I don't know how she always manages to make me into a nervous wreck. Victor was right about one thing, Lily does make me weak. She is the only one that has a direct link to my feelings, that has complete control over me. It use to scare the shit out of me at first, but now, now I'm just glad that even after all this time it's still this way, I still feel the same about her only stronger.
"I don't care, I was just saying you're being pretty obvious about it." When I look over at her, her full lips are in a small smile and those golden brown eyes glint with humour. She's being playful which counteracts the nervousness pulsing through me. She's behaving better than I could have imagined, and better than I deserve.
I return her smile with a smirk of my own.
"I was that obvious about it huh?" I smile at the road.
"It's okay. I've been staring at you too." Lily says quietly and my chest feels a little lighter.
I follow the little blue arrow and start to become familiar with the surroundings but don't question her on where I think she's asked me to take her.
"It's kind of weird isn't it? Being around each other after all this time." She says thoughtfully.
"Is it too weird?" Please say no.
"It's the right amount of weird." Lily decides with a warm smile before it fades quickly.
"Why did you come back?" She asks suddenly. I don't know how to answer this, whether to tell her the truth or simplify my answer. I scratch at my nose, ignoring the lack of substance my body is craving.
"I came back for you." I go with the truth.
"But why? Shouldn't you hate me for what my parents did?"
"And shouldn't you hate me for what my uncle did?" I turn her question back on her.
"You are not your uncle. You've made that very obvious." Lily says with a factual sense. I'm glad she still thinks that I'm nothing like the monster he is. But that might change when she finds out the evil acts I've done in her absence.
"You're not your parents either. You didn't know about any of this." I point out her complete innocence in her parents mistakes. Her obliviousness of gang culture as a whole.
"And you think you do? Know about all of it?" She asks and I catch the odd skepticism tone in which she asks, as if she really doesn't believe I know the whole truth. Her hands grip harder onto the book on her lap as she waits for my answer.
I decided not to answer, instead I nod to her book and ask, "Is that your diary or something?" And turn back to focus on the gravel road I've now turned down while following the blue arrow.
Why is she taking me here? I'm surprised she even remembers this place.
"No. It's my fathers journal." Lily answers and looks out at the overgrown field.
"Your fathers?" My brows raise. How long has she had this?
"Yes." She confirms and looks down at it.
"I found a box of my parents things stashed away with my grandmothers about a week ago. I hadn't properly opened it till yesterday." She admits. We're both silent for a few moments, me confused as to why she's asked me to bring her here, and her possibly waiting for me to ask.
"Why are we here?" I turn to her as I slow the car down near the small forest edge line, where you can only just see the glimpses of dark water peeking through. I hope she doesn't plan on swimming here like we did last time, it's far too freezing this time of year for a sea swim. Coming to a complete stop she looks over at me completely serious.
"Because there are some things you don't know Seven. And I'm going to tell you them."
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