I'm tired.
Tired of every single thing around me today.
I hadn't slept at all last night.
Well, to be honest, I haven't slept well in a long time.
About 2 months or so, and nobody needs an explanation as to why it's so.
Every single day feels like a chore.
It's back to the dimming eyes, not so heartfelt smiles, again. Every time this God-forsaken cycle begins, it's like it chips away a piece of me. But then it ends, and the days become brighter and vibrant again.
But the only saving grace in each cycle was that he never kept our relationship on the back burner, to give space to the new one.
I was always the first priority, so I knew even in this relationship of his, I'll still remain the first priority.
This knowledge, though powerful, doesn't act as a balm when you see your soulmate in someone else's arms.
It doesn't lessen the sting you feel in your heart, when she kisses him.
And I've been witnessing those almost every day.
It's been about two months since their relationship began, and every day I've been struggling to just pull through.
To survive till I'm in my bed, and can let myself be vulnerable.
My pillows have been the biggest witness of my heartbreak. They drink my tears and keep them a secret from others.
And my blanket protectively wraps me in its arms and lets me cry out my pain.
And again the tears started streaming down my eyes.
I was sitting on our bench under the willow tree, waiting for everyone to finish their classes.
More like, taking a moment to be just a little true to myself, and be vulnerable, because I can't do it in front of them.
Not like they don't know. I know that I can cry on their shoulders and they won't have a problem. It's just the pain I see in their eyes, when they see me cry, that breaks me further.
It's enough that they witness all the cuddling and kissing, with me. She's big on the PDA, even if everyone seems uncomfortable.
But I always pray that even if I have to bear the torture of him having a girlfriend, God should at least have mercy on me and not let me see all the kissing.
The thought that he's with someone else is enough torture, why do I have to undergo the feeling of my soul being scorched?
A small whimper slipped past my lips and a few tears tumbled down. I hastily wiped them before anybody could see it.
I anyway have been getting weird looks from people whenever they see Haans and Kashish walking hand in hand or kissing, with me beside them.
Guess, what Mayank told me at the Christmas Party, that everyone on the campus knows what we feel for each other, is true.
Just as I checked my face for remnant tears, I saw our gang make their way toward me.
They all stood in front of me, just as I got up.
" Enough! "
Ritz said, more like snapped while looking at me.
I raised my eyebrow in confusion.
" Mimi, please talk to us. " Viki said.
" About what? " I asked, trying to dodge the question.
They all gave me a look.
I heaved a breath and glanced down for a few seconds, then looked up and pleaded
" Guys, please, I don't want to. "
Avi came beside me and held my shoulders
"Mimi, seriously, please talk it out. We hate seeing you like this. "
" Yeah Mimi, you are always so ebullient. Your this behavior always makes us miserable. We want you back. " Piku said
" Yeah, we want our whiny, lazy, cheerful, thug-Mimi back. " Ritz said with a smirk.
I huffed
" You do know that you insulted me in the entire sentence, don't you. "
" Well, I said ' cheerful '. " Ritz challenged.
" Gee thanks, " I said sarcastically.
They laughed, making me smile a small grin too.
" Come on, let's go. " Avi said, putting his arm around my shoulders.
" Wait. We can't leave Haans behind. Let's wait for him. " I said
They all looked at each other, making me frown.
I looked at Avi again and asked
" Where is he, Avi? He should be with you. "
He glanced down and heaved a sigh
" Mimi, he will not be coming with us. He's going out with Kashish. They told me before they left. "
My breath stuck for a second, but then I sighed
" They made plans? "
He nodded with pursed lips
" They sit together in lectures now, so they must have planned during the lesson. "
I blinked and then nodded
" Of course "
" Mimi - " Ritz started
" No. It's okay. They are in a relationship. Of course, they have plans. I understand "
I said while nodding all the time.
They all looked so sad.
I forced out a chuckle
" Come on guys, it's okay. I'm not an idiot. I know how relationships work. They are going to spend a lot of time together. "
They hung their heads low.
But then Piku inhaled a big breath and came near me
" But you are still his first priority. You always have been, and always will be. We all know that. Even you know that. "
I nodded.
I do know that.
I 𝒂𝒎 his first priority.
He has broken up with them, just because they dared to say something against me.
Even though he doesn't know his feelings, I'm thankful that he at least knows what I mean to him, and isn't ready to put me in the second position.
That would just shatter me.
" Let's go. " Viki said and we all walked toward the parking lot.
We all were chatting in the lot when we heard a loud laugh. Well, more like a very familiar loud laugh.
I turned around, since it came from somewhere behind me.
I knew who it would be, so I shouldn't have turned, but like an idiot I did, and the scene just cracked my heart.
There was the happy couple, standing beside his car.
She had her arms wrapped around his neck, and he kept his hands on her waist.
She was laughing while Haans looked at her with a tiny frown.
Before we could comprehend, she kissed him smack on the lips, and started sucking on them.
My breath halted and my body froze for a few seconds.
My eyes filled up again and I whipped back around and looked down.
It was difficult to breathe while trying to control any sounds that were fighting to escape my throat.
My tears though, were free to travel their fated path.
" F*** " Ritz whispered frustrated.
" They are f***ing everywhere. " Avi groaned.
I squeezed my eyes shut and my lips were tightly held between my teeth.
I took a shaky breath in, and tried to compose myself.
I needed to leave before they notice us.
Before He sees me.
" Please. Let's go " I pleaded in a whisper. I was trying to hold on to myself.
They all hastily got in the car while Piku put her arm around me and guided me to the backseat.
Viki pressed hard on the accelerator.
Just as we were passing by beside them, I glanced out the window.
I shouldn't have. I'm basically tormenting myself.
I saw her caress his bottom lip with her thumb, slowly, before she leaned in again and kissed him.
Just as her lips touched his, a whimper escaped my lips and I squeezed my eyes shut, and hung my head down.
The tears were flowing continuously, while I took shaky breaths.
" Mimi - " Viki started
" Please don't " I pleaded in a tiny squeaky voice, trying to stop myself from sobbing loudly in the car.
They all obliged my request and stayed quiet.
As soon as we reached my house, I got down and thanked them in a whisper, while holding my bag in front of my chest, as if it could shield my heart.
I speed walked inside the house before they could reply.
I hastily jammed my keys in the lock and opened the door in a rush. I knew they all are still watching me from their seats, and I can't let them see me like this.
It hurts them too.
I pushed open the door, dashed in, and closed the gate. It closed with a loud thud because I crumbled to the ground.
A loud sob broke past my lips.
I just sat there, with my back leaning on the front door, sobbing loudly.
My body was being wracked with sobs, and I was subconsciously scared of someone hearing them through the door, but I couldn't move.
I cried for I don't know how long, but once the sobbing decreased, I just sat there like a mess.
How long?
That was the only thing on my mind right now.
Just how long am I supposed to be plagued like this?
How long is it going to go on?
How long will it take for him to realize his feelings for me?
I know I said that I could wait for an eternity for him, and I can.
Because he's worth it.
He's worth everything in my body, life, and soul.
But this pain.
I sob again with my head on my knees, and my arms are trying to hold together my crumbling form.
" Come on Ahana. You are better than this.
You are STRONGER than this.
You can do it."
I vocalized to myself, and the sound reverberated in the empty living room.
I resolved to myself and picked my head up.
" You are Ahana Kapoor.
If someone can get over it, it's you.
And don't give up.
He never gives up on you, NEVER, and always reminds you of how strong you are."
Then nodded to myself
" He's worth it.
His love, tenderness, adoration for you, makes it worth it. "
Then I got up and stood with my head held high.
He might have unknowingly become the reason for my pain, but it's his belief in my strength that makes me stronger.
He shatters and sutures me.
And one day, I'll look back, and it'll all be worth it.
This thought made me stronger, and pulled myself together.
I collected all my stuff that was scattered on the floor and climbed the stairs to my room.
After I freshened up, I walked out of the washroom, and my eyes fell on our memory wall.
Multiple pictures that were pasted on my wall, brought back thousands of memories.
From the first picture of us as babies in the same cot, to the latest one of us from the day of Christmas Party, every picture had a story or a memorable moment or day representing it.
And that's not even enough. Since the space is limited, and I wanted to get as many years as I could, on it, only a few made it to the wall.
Otherwise, I'd have to paste a picture every day.
Because every day of my life with Haans is worth cherishing and has at least one moment worthy of going on this wall.
Every single one of them has Haans in it.
Every photograph.
We've spent our entire life together, and I'll be damned if I give up on us just like that.
Yeah, it's painful.
It hurts like hell.
But that pain that went on for hardly a year, if you count properly, doesn't have anything on our 18 years together.
Absolutely Nothing.
So I'll take that pain, over giving up on him, any day of my life.
He loves ME
And no Avantika, Palak, or Kashish can do shit about it.
I caressed his face in the picture, that we took on Christmas, and told him
" I'm not giving up on you Haans. Not in this lifetime. Especially not, with the knowledge that you love are in love with me.
And for you, I'd do anything.
That's how much I love you."
Only a stupid person would give up on a love like this.
A bond like ours.
And I'm not that stupid person.
It isn't just some guy I met in school or college and fell for.
It's Haans.
𝑴𝒚 𝑯𝒂𝒂𝒏𝒔.
𝑴𝒚 𝑬𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈.
You don't just up and leave a person you've lived with, breathed with, been your truest self with, and loved your whole life.
The person you have shared your every happiness and sorrow with.
The person who will encourage you to be your strongest self, and be the one to carry you on his shoulders; if you happen to fall.
Who'll adore and love you beyond expectations.
Who'll strive to make your dreams come true, because the happiness you'll feel, is their reward.
Just that smile, for that they'll move mountains, if they have to.
And My Haans does all of this for me, and every single person in our lives is proof of that.
It takes courage to love someone like we love each other,
To make them your first priority,
And wait for them.
Because you 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 that is how it's supposed to be.
You both ' together ' in the end.
Against all odds.
Together till eternity and beyond.
No matter how many people tried to tear you apart.
We are stronger than this.
They may be able to physically separate us, but they'll never be able to cleave the bond of our Souls.
" I love you so much Haans. There aren't words made yet, to describe how I love you. "
I whispered while looking at his photograph with misty eyes.
" And we'll be together " I promised myself and him, while caressing his smiling face.
𝕳𝖆𝖆𝖓𝖘 & 𝕬𝖓𝖆
𝕱𝖔𝖗𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖗
I smiled with that perseverance in my heart.
-----------*---------
ℳℯ * simmering in anger * :
Haans would you stop f***ing up?
ℋ𝒶𝒶𝓃𝓈 * confused * :
But YOU made me like that.
ℳℯ * flustered * :
Don't play with me.
ℋ𝒶𝒶𝓃𝓈 * smiling that gorgeous smile * :
Aww....you love me.
ℳℯ * blushing like crazy * :
Don't do that.
𝒜𝓃𝒶 * simmering with red hot fury * :
You better not be hitting on him.
ℳℯ * raising an eyebrow * :
Bitch chill. You are me. I imagined myself in your place for almost half of my life.
You are basically a polished version of me.
A clone, to be honest.
𝒜𝓃𝒶 * embarrassingly clears throat * :
Yeah ok ok, don't stress it.
ℋ𝒶𝒶𝓃𝓈 * walks closer * :
Awww, I got two gorgeous girls loving me.
ℳℯ: Shut up. At least we aren't dumb like you.
Yeah, take that you dumbass.
Ooh.......it feels bad to even call him that.
Ughhhh.....I'm in love with my own creation.
Have been since I was a teenager.
Sighh......
Question of the day-
Winter ❄️ or Summer ☀️?
Mine: Wow, in childhood I loved summer, since winter clothes weren't as soft as they are now.
But now, the winter coats are such a great relief, since they hide my bulging belly.
But Summers. I'll have to go with that.