Three months would pass, grief kind of took over I won't lie, and unless I was throwing myself into the basketball season, I was back at Mary and Erica's sobbing into my pillow, clutching my stomach, wondering how I would survive it. Mary doubled up on her romance movies and I would lay and watch them with her like I was self harming, but she told me it was good to purge the tears. She said listen to sad music and watch sad movies and just let it all out, and then soon you won't have any tears left and the healing will begin. I don't think Mary was betting on me sobbing daily for months and becoming quite dehydrated by it.
Morgan took over our house together and wanted to take the mortgage on solo. I started the process for her legally and waited for it to complete for her, it was the least I could do to let her have anything she wanted, which included Bob. I knew Morgan still visited with the friends we shared, Calliope and Teddy still saw her, and on the odd Sunday I would miss the Nomikos feast so that Callie could invite Morgan. I was happy to share our collective group of family and friends, as long as I didn't have to see her in the flesh. I knew if I saw Morgan, as she did, that we wouldn't be able to actually make this separation permanent, we would continue to seek each other out and mess around. It was inevitable, that if our physical paths crossed, so would we, and luckily they didn't, because the pull was incredible painful to ignore.
Offers for the next year were coming in as I put myself out there for a transfer, a few colleges on the east coast wanted me over there but I didn't know if I wanted to move up to college level yet. I loved the high school environment and the kids were still an age you could teach them so much from scratch. College level felt like they knew it all already and all you had to do was polish them, and push them to do their best. I liked working up with the girls, seeing them grow and their skills build as the years passed. The last match on my profile was a high school in Manchester and it sounded perfect for me, a nice high school, a good team already in place. I had been following their games for a few months and was keen to fly out and check it out in person next month before I accepted. The east coast sounded perfect right now, a whole world away from all of the pain the west coast held for me. Two women I adored and loved, neither I could have, one my best friend who never even knew I loved her and the other the love of my adult life, the girl I really did think was it for me. I felt a little doomed to be honest, like I would never find the one, and perhaps I wouldn't, perhaps that was it, thoughts that plagued me when the night came.
Was I destined to be alone?!
I had no idea that Allie was on the way to Oregon, that with her came a declaration, news that I didn't see coming. Allie felt
Something for me, more than friendship. She was about to confess it for the first time. The tide was about to change, and life was about to take me on a new journey, a sometimes long and tiresome journey that felt like it would never meet its destination. A journey to Alberta, one I didn't ever think possible, and I wouldn't walk, I would run it, day by day I would run, as fast as I could hoping that the little dot on the distance and I would collide, sooner than later, and that Alberta Anderson, would finally, be mine.
***
"I forgot to say as you got in so late last night Willa... but Allie called" Erica reveals, and my heart thumps a little louder against my ribs.
"She did" I ask, and a sadness befalls me. I don't want the silence my absence is causing. I don't want to abandon her again. She calls every morning and night without fail and I know she knows I won't answer, but she does it I know, so I see the missed calls, and know she's thinking of me. I had huge changes coming up in my life and I wanted to tell her. I wanted to share it all with her. I would finally return her call tonight i made myself mentally note, not that I required any reminding. I couldn't bear the silence a moment longer.
"She wanted you to know she's coming to town" Erica reveals, as she holds her steaming mug of coffee between her hands.
"What" I say abruptly, and standing panicked "what do you mean she's coming to town"
"Well if the mountain won't go to Muhammad then Muhammad must go to the mountain" she replies, looking to me over her mug of coffee.
"Oh god... but I'm more of a hill really and she's much too advanced in hiking for me" I say, trying to make light of the situation that is anything but.
"When" I ask.
Erica smiles "today" she beams.
My eyes bulge "today" I repeat.
"Now Willa Jameson, don't you dare run from that girl" Aunt Mary says as she reappears all dressed in scrubs for her shift at the hospital.
"I don't run" i quip "I speed walk" I add "and I wouldn't worry about that... I have way too much of a busy week with the squad to do any laps of the country avoiding her a moment longer... I guess it's time to rip off the band aid" I add, grabbing my backpack and putting on my sun glasses.
***
When I got home from school that day I would open the door and see her there, all but an inch away, her beautiful auburn hair curled lightly, her piercing blue eyes hurriedly taking me in to check on sight of me how I seemed.
I reach for her with a contented smile, and bring her into my arms "hi" I say softly, relieved to finally see her, to have the comfort of her hands around my waist. I try and calm my heart beat.
"Hi" she returns, and she squeezes me tightly.
In that moment, a peace washes over me, part of me returned. It seems for a second, as I inhale her against me, as if my heart beats a little differently against her. The broken in half beat, and off kilter thump I had been nursing for months, the heartbreaking ache, subsiding momentarily.
"I missed you" she whispers, not loosening her grip of me.
We clung to each other, both at a place in life where we had both got a little lost, but as we stood here now, wrapped against each other, the tilt in both of our worlds, it shifted, the ground settled beneath our feet and everything around us disappeared as a balance was felt. There was no fear of falling anytime soon as long as I'm with you, and you are with me.
"Allie what are you doing here?" I finally ask.
She lets me loose, standing back, her eyes searching mine "Willa I'm worried about you"
I see it in her face, she is quite worried, and I feel terrible. I hadn't called or written. I could see how it was affecting her now, to have her come all this way, to seek out my address and not stop until she was here in front of me. Allie had come to bear witness, to all that was me outside of Utah, to my life, to make sure it was all okay, and to make sure I was okay. It made me feel warm inside, to know that she had moved a few mountains to be here right now, for me.
"I'm sorry I worried you" I confess "I just had to go...and I should have called when I got home... I know it... but Allie I just don't know what to say... so much has changed. I came home from that trip so emotionally broken like all those years of holding it together just blew open all at once. I felt so foolish to have thought they would ever accept me"I confess, and I have to take a moment to breath, holding my side as if I have to work to push the air from my lungs, my face not hiding my anguish at having to think about all that had happened since that trip. I had shut off the communication with my family, lost Morgan, and had to work through the wreckage of my life, trying to find a way forward when all felt a little too heavy, and I, a little too lost.
"I'm so sorry that happened" Allie replies, stepping forward and holding my arms affectionately "I would do anything to make all this right for you..." she says, pained by the thought.
"Allie..." I begin "I'm not coming back this time" I confess.
Allie holds her hand to her chest as if the words hit her there, and pierced her flesh. Her breathing quickened as if it panicked her to hear my confession. "But Willa" she begins, before stopping herself.
You can see a million things crossing her mind, and almost slipping from her tongue. She holds it in though, and when she finally speaks, she changes the conversation entirely, not wanting to know any more. It was almost like, if I didn't say it, it wouldn't happen.
"Show me your life" She asks, looking up to my waiting eyes.
She must see the confusion reflected there.
I had expected her madness, her hurt, and yet she had put a pause on it all, put a pin in it for later. What followed was absolute relief that the conversation had shifted.
I welcomed the redirection and smiled "okay" I said quietly...a smile tugging on my lips "what do you want to see first" I ask.
"Oh... everything" She reveals animatedly "I need a town tour and dinner at your favourite food place. I want visuals for days please, and stories. I want it all... I don't want to leave here until I am so immersed I feel like I've always been here...like I didn't miss a single second"
I can't help but lift my lips and take her in, sighing slightly to have her here.
"I will get changed and take you out" I offer, amused by her sudden enthusiasm and change of energy. "Dinner at Stygos " I think out loud, one finger poised in thought "with Aunty Mary and Erica" I suggest.
Allie nods "that sounds lovely... I would love to meet Mary" she replies happily.
"If I didn't invite Mary to dinner with you, she may actually kill me...she's wanted to meet you for as long as I can remember"
"The feeling is mutual" She says, squeezing my hand, before I move away to my room to change.
***
"Stygos at seven" I announce, as I enter the family room.
"That will be lovely" Erica begins.
I have changed into tightly fitted denim jeans, a white t shirt and a fitted light jacket. Allie looks delightful in a pretty floral dress and a denim jacket. She could quite literally go out night or day in it and fit in fine, it was, feminine, pretty and delicate just like Allie.
"Allie must experience our favourite restaurant while she's in town... and your first place of work when you arrived too" Erica reveals.
Allie whips round to face me "you worked there too" she asks.
I nod "I did...my first little job before college"
Allie takes that in as if she is savouring all the new details and imagining them, like my life without her was playing out in front of her.
"And Erica, it's a table for four, so please do come with Mary...my shout obviously" I say, sitting briefly and placing on my black ankle boots.
Erica beams "wonderful" and she smiles at Allie and I "I can't wait" she adds enthusiastically.
"See you tonight" she calls, as I take Allie's hand, moving from the room, her fingers slipping between my own as I tug her through the hall and out to the car.
I open the passenger side and hold it open for her "my lady" I say jovially.
Allie smiles and steps in, sitting down and looking around the interior as the door is closed.
"Ignore my mess" I say embarrassed, getting in beside her "There is a system to it...I worry if I take it inside I will lose it and my basketball season will be doomed..."
"I bet you are a great Coach" Allie muses, looking out to the road as I back out and we move up the street.
I place my shades on the bridge of my nose and flick them up with one finger " I hope so" I muse "I love my kids" I return "honestly Allie some of the girls are so talented already for their age... I can't wait to see what they do when they go to college... I have some future stars that's for sure" I reveal proudly.
We pass by a crowd of my girls from school, as they stand on the street. I wave out of the open window as my hair bellows out. They all turn and wave back, the sound of them as we go past, it's like a deafening chorus of female voices. High pitched and animated.
"Are those some of yours" Allie asks.
"Yes, all of them" I reply "That was Lara, Mallory, Kesha, Lauren, Lillian, Gia, Teddy, Bonnie and Casey"I say affectionately.
I would await the text from Teddy, in T minus two seconds, asking who the red head was in my front seat. She had become quite the little care taker since my break up with Morgan, checking in on me and making sure I was eating. Our roles had reversed slightly.
"Honestly Willa... it makes me so happy to see you here" Allie says, placing her hand on mine on the middle console.
"It makes me happy to have you here" I reply, turning to catch her eyes with a smile. "Finally" I add quietly. "I didn't think you would ever set eyes on my life here Allie..."
"When do you leave" Allie asks, almost bluntly.
I am a little thrown by it "how do you know I'm leaving" I ask, and then I realise it was Erica and her big mouth "Erica" I ask.
She nods "she didn't mean for it to slip, she thought I would know about it already. Willa were you ever going to tell me" Allie asks.
I remove my hand from hers and brush it over my face, anxiously. Truth was, I didn't know when I would have said. My only thought had been to run, and to run as soon as possible. I needed landscapes and streets that weren't haunted, where I wouldn't spot Morgan or ghosts of our life with every damned turn.
"Honestly... I don't know Allie... I don't know what I would have done. I don't want my family to have my new address or my number... I was going to change it all when I left" I reveal.
She looks disappointed, perhaps even hurt that I say that so casually, but it wasn't like that. I of course would have told her, I just meant them, I wouldn't tell them.
"Would you have done that to me again" She asks, slightly agitated at the thought.
"Allie, I would never leave you with no way to contact me... not you... not ever... not again. I promise..." I reply, sensing her agitation.
"You were going to leave your job, your state, your family here and your team, and you weren't going to tell us" She asks annoyed. "Willa I'm so fed up of being the last to know every little thing about you" she says, releasing a drawn out breath.
"Allie" I state, pulling into the beach car park. I put the car in park and turn myself fully in the seat, removing my sunglasses so I can look at her and she can see that I care.
"Allie I" I begin, but my words are caught, filtered down as they are about to leave my mouth, until no words are left to say.
Allie has always been the most important person in my life, the one person I think of whenever anything good or bad happens to me. Yet, I've spent so long censoring my life for her, scared of hurting her, scared of saying too much, too intensely perhaps, declaring too much or not enough, and I was exhausted. It had never been my intention to get to a point where she felt she knew nothing of me, and my life. Yet, here we were, nine years later, and Alberta Anderson doesn't know the half of it all. She has pieces of me that she can try and put together, but not the entire picture, and all because I selfishly loved her too much, and looked at her as more than she was or had ever been. Allie had never given me any reason to believe I was more than her friend. I had shielded us both from the reality of life out here, hoping to spare feelings I didn't even know existed, perhaps all along sparing my own feelings, and never hers at all. Perhaps I was shielding myself from how lonely my life was, not her, and she had been doing the same to me... I missed her words.
Oh god, how I missed her words.
"Allie... I promise, I won't change my email... you can reach me there... if you will just send the messages... I would receive them... will you write to me again" I beg.
She turns away and looks out to the ocean. She looks like it pains her to even consider it... why wouldn't she write to me?! Once upon a time she told me her poems and her letters were the only way she ever knew how her heart felt, how her life was settling in her soul. If it were a good day or a bad day, her words were like a weather vane, they would show the direction of her thoughts and lead her to the answers she sought, just as that old weather vain told you of the direction of the wind.
"Willa... I shouldn't" She says quietly.
I reach out and take her chin in my palm. I turn it gently with my thumb, holding her gaze, her eyes showing more than she is saying, her lip trembling slightly, as if my touch took her by surprise. In the brief silence, I let my thumb caress her cheek a little, suddenly feeling as if I would do anything to be the one she had married. They were thoughts long stilled, and yet resurfaced from having her so close, my fingers upon her flesh so briefly, her eyes drinking me in and telling me she loves me, saying it all, screaming it all. All I wanted her to do was write me, and tell me what it was she wouldn't say out loud, because there was something brimming under the surface, and it felt like if she didn't say it soon, she would perhaps have to swallow it. Was I seeing what I wanted to see? A reflection of my own feelings?! Probably. It had been a long time I had let my mind wonder to Allie and the feelings that had plagued my teens and early twenties.
"There is nothing to lose Allie. I'm going away. I'm not coming back...whatever it is you must write... whatever it is you mustn't say, it will find me on the other side of the country. I promise whatever it is, I will listen, I will read it... swallow it and let it sit. I won't act on it. I promise... just let me hear it... and let it find me. Please" I beg.
She reaches up and pulls my thumb and hand into hers, resting them upon her lap. She smooths her fingers over mine in soothing motions.
"Willa... I love you" She whispers.
I look her up and down, trying to decipher in what capacity she means, because the way in which she says it as her fingers trail over my hand, it feels almost romantic. Yet there was no more added to it to empathise it in any other way other than she loves me, as a friend. It felt, though, like she declaring it in some way, perhaps her answer to why she won't write. If that is true, it means she doesn't write because there's something she wants to say that she should not, and as my thoughts run away from me I drag them back in.
Don't be stupid Willa.
My brow knits together as I consider the way my heart beats fast, the way hers mirrors mine. Her dress above her breast is thrusting in and out a little apprehensively, the air in the car changes, and her icy blue eyes look to me a little more lovingly then I've ever seen before. I can't help the way I love her, and I will love her forever, whether she knows it or not. A part of the fabric of me, that's what she would always be. I lift her hand to my lips, never once breaking her eye contact, she gulps softly, her eyes widen a little as she sees my lips lower to her wrist. I close my eyes, pausing there briefly, inhaling the scent of her, feeling her pulse throb against my lips as I place the kiss. I pull away slowly, knowing this would perhaps be the last time I would touch her, and it most definitely revealed a little too much of how I adored her.
"I love you too" I whisper, before releasing her hand.
I gaze out to the view from the window as I collects myself , tears threatening to fall. That would probably be as close as I got to Allie in my lifetime, and that would have to suffice. I was leaving and our lives were very much separate. Without my returning to the family, would we even see each other? I shake it off and decide to live in the moment, because we were both here now, and if now is all we got...I wanted her to spend every second with me, seeing my life and talking, chatting like old Allie and Willa. Yes, let's take tonight and laugh, and just be.
"Come on, let me show you my favourite spot" I suggest, exiting the vehicle and waiting for her.
She steps out and walks to my side. I take her hand and look down at them clasped together, a sorrowful smile upon my lips as we begin the walk onto the beach. The views around us are spectacular, almost as if we are dwarfed by its beauty, as if we have entered another universe where we are but small and insignificant to the giant surroundings.
"Come" I say, pulling Allie along the sand until we reach a sheltered spot that looks out over the beach beneath. The wind blows through us, as if it takes with it all of our sorrows and fears, and leaves nothing but peace. There is a comforting coolness to our cheeks, like they have been pinched and now appear pinked.
I sit down and pull Allie with me. She sits beside me and we look out at the waves crash against the rocks "I can't tell you how many times I've sat here and watched the sunsets" I say quietly, my eyes unmoving from the view ahead. "It falls right between those rocks" I say pointing forward, my sleeve falling down my wrist with the action.
Allie follows my gaze "I bet it's quite beautiful"
I look back to her "perhaps not quite as beautiful as it would be to watch it together"
Perhaps later" Allie offers.
I nod with a smile "there's always later" I agree. "Allie" I ask, and she looks to me "are you happy there with Ben"
She looks back to the rocks, avoiding my questioning eyes "No" She answers honestly "but I am happy there with Harper.."
"Promise me, that the moment you feel it's too much to bear, the second you feel you've wondered too far from yourself, that you will find me... because I will be waiting. I will always be waiting for you...Allie... and it will always be with open arms. You know that right... tell me you know that"
She nods and smiles "I know. You too...forever and a day" she repeats.
I take her hand seriously, and hold it against my heart "Allie promise" I ask again, a little desperately.
"I promise" she replies.
I sigh with relief.
We watch the waves for a while, speaking of Allie's family, and the fact both Merrit and Augusta were at college now. Abe was now married and Hyrum was twelve, the baby of the family, almost a teenager. So much had changed.
***
I took Allie around town, one place at a time, we laughed and smiled as I shared some stories from my time here. I swung by the school and showed her where I spend my week, pictures of my team and how awesome those girls were on the court. I take her to just about every corner of my life here in Oregon, allowing her to see it all, and yet I avoid the areas where Morgan will always be to me, the strip of of coast we spent that first week, the restaurants we dated in, the parks we would wonder with Bob, all stirring painful and jarring memories of the girl I loved. Morgan would forever stir a whirl of feelings, of course not all bad, mostly if anything, wonderful and warm. Our time together was never anything but amazing, and I would always remember her as the girl who took charge of my heart and willed it to beat again for her, and of course under Morgan's control, it did. I missed her intensity and the way she loved, hell I missed just about everything, no, I lie, not just about. I missed everything, everything and as thoughts of Morgan fill my mind and threaten to overcome me, I decide it's time to move on to Dinner, and to distract myself.
I check my watch "time for dinner" I announce.
We swing into the bright lit lot of Stygos not far from the house. It was a huge white restaurant with large columns and the Greek flag flying at the front.
"This is great" Allie observes, eyeing it up.
I smile back at it proudly, it was great, and the people in it were family.
As we entered the restaurant Calliope bounces over from the hostess station "Willa... you finally grace us with your presence... your aunts are sat already" she says, grabbing a couple menus "let me take you to them" she says.
She eyes Allie up as we walk across the restaurant. I know with the quick little look, that she recognises her from my pictures, but she's not placing her straight away. I want to let out a little laugh because when Calliope realises this is Allie, she is going to want to pull me away and ask a million questions of me.
"Who is your beautiful friend" she asks with a smile.
"This is Allie" I reveal "and Allie this is Calliope..."
Calliopes eyes widen, and my lips twitch with amusement as it hits home.
"Calliopes father owns the restaurant... we worked together here a little when we were eighteen didn't we" I say jovially to Callie who is leading us across the restaurant.
She turns with a beaming smile "Perhaps not enough work, and too much play. We certainly had fun. Willa escaped... but here I am...still here... a slave to the family" she said amused.
Allie watches our back and forth and seems to notice the familiarity of us, although Callie has been in my life for nine years, I hadn't mentioned her by name, only as my friend. I could see Allie was registering that this girl was somebody to me.
Calliope led us to the table in the window. Erica and Mary looked up at our arrival and smiled.
"I will be right back with drinks" Calliope said, gesturing for us to sit, and We did.
I slipped into the seat opposite Erica.
"it's so nice to meet you" Allie says, sitting down opposite Mary who weaves her hands through the tableware until she finds and grabs Allie's.
Mary shakes them gently, up and down "Allie I can't tell you how long I've wanted to meet you" the joy on her face is contagious. "Oh Willa" she chastises, letting Allie go "this is long overdue"
"I know I'm sorry" I reply coyly. "But here you are.." I say looking to them all "my favourite women at one table...together" I say happily.
Calliope returns and sets down our drinks "I hope you meant me too" she adds jovially.
I take my glass and have half a sip "of course" I add in the same vain.
"Willa come with me a moment. Momma wants a word" Callie asks.
Absolute lies I suspect. Callie wants to know why Allie is here and what is occurring. She takes me by the arms and leads me away, until we are out of sight at the back of the restaurant, behind the bar.
Calliope turns on her heel and pulls me beside her "Um... Allie as in...Alberta" she asks.
I nod and pick up a serviette, mindlessly folding it neatly and placing it on the bar. You could take the girl out of the restaurant but you couldn't take the server out of the girl.
"Willa" she chastises "why didn't you bring her and introduce us to her" she asks, eyeing me up with a little disappointment.
"She turned up today, quite unexpectedly, and as you can imagine we have had alot to talk about"
"But she's your Allie... and I so want to poke my nose in. I want to know what she's like in person...Willa she's like your first love. I'm absolutely intrigued who this girl is that you've held at arms length, for as long as I've known you"
"Callie, we won't have time... but next time okay...I promise"
"Do you still feel it" she asks me, leaning in and giving me a once over with her large brown eyes.
"Feel what" I return, avoiding her inspection as I look back to the kitchen door that flings open.
Maria and Teddy walk out.
I give Callie the look and hold my finger to my lips "shhh" I whisper, because my goodness, if Teddy and Maria knew she was here, she would be pulled out of that seat and made to face the Nomikos family welcoming committee.
"Wills" Teddy says bumping my shoulder.
"Hey Ted" i return playfully, bumping her back.
"What are you doing here" she asked.
I look a little panicked to Callie who interjects for me "Mary and Erica came in for dinner" she says.
Teddy nods "okay, well I'm off out with my friends...I just heard Willa's voice...and had to come check she was here in the flesh, and not a figment of my imagination"
"Teddy you act as if I've not stopped by in months"
Calliope and Teddy both roll their eyes at me and huff a little "you haven't" they both return.
I open my mouth to disagree, but god they were right. I hadn't been here in months. Stygos restaurant was one of the places I feared I may bump into Morgan.
"Willa" Callie begins, touching my arm to bring me back to the conversation "Morgan doesn't come here" she says softly.
"She doesn't" I ask.
They both shake their heads.
"She doesn't want to bump into you either, believe it or not" Teddy adds "I meet her at the coffee shop"
I feel a pain stir, they still saw her, and I didn't. I can't deny the way that stung. I missed her. "Gotta go" Teddy reminds us as she takes off back through the kitchen.
I shake off the oppressive cloud and smile "Well since you miss me so much. I shall return to you for free drinks and bar hangs" I say jovially to Callie.
"Please" Calliope begs "I can't handle my family full time alone "I need you"
I reach out and hug her "I'm sorry"
She nudges me "it's okay...I understood"
"Willa" Maria calls, spotting me as she returns to the kitchen. "How are you my darling" she asks, as she holds me around the waist from behind and squeezes me into her large arms. "Don't you dare hide from us... come Sunday okay we miss you" she says, as she releases me with a kiss "oh and Theodora, how is her basketball going... is she playing up to her usual standard because she's got so lazy at home Willa...it's like she can't lift a finger"
"She's doing great. I don't think you need worry about Theodora and basketball"
She nods and taps my arm affectionately "keep her on that trajectory Willa" she asks.
And she shakes her head more seriously as she considers her "Theodora will not be the daughter who marries and settles down with a steady job. She will never be the child I don't need to worry about. She is my wild child and basketball seems to be the only thing she gives any time or energy too. If that means that she can use it to get into college and make a career like you, then please for the love of god Willa, keep her working at it"
I smile as she goes back to the kitchen, shouting something in Greek to Christos.
"Your momma isn't going to like it when I move to the east coast" I whisper to Callie.
Calliope grimaces "Do not tell her in person... she will kill you... and please don't let Teddy know yet either, she will be heartbroken, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I will be a little too"
"I will have guest bedrooms for all of my Nomikos girls" I say lovingly.
"Willa" Demitra acknowledges, sidling up to the bar "there is a rather gorgeous red head sat with your aunts... anything I need to know" she asks me curiously. She leans against the wooden bar top and observes me questionably.
"Nope" I lie.
I walk back to the table and away from Demitra, quite glad I had never told her about Allie.
***
The dinner was nice. Allie and my aunts got acquainted and they all shared embarrassing tales of my life before and during my time in Oregon. I think perhaps they got on far too well. Mary I could tell was both comforted and yet a little thrown by Allies likeness to her mother Helena. I could see it every now and again as Allie would smile or say something quickly and witty, how Mary would almost get a flash back of Helena sounding or looking the same way. I forgot that to Mary, Helena still looked this way, youthful and full of life, but of course I knew her slightly more mature, a life under her belt, children in her arms, another season of her life entirely. Although Helena wasn't old, not at all, she was only in her late forties, to me her and Allie were quite different, although at the same age, much like twins I should imagine.
***
I drive Allie back to her hotel and walk her to her hotel room. We stood there for a few moments not knowing what to say.
"Allie, I'm going to miss you" I say quietly, feeling like it's all that I do, say goodbye to those that I love, knowing sometimes it is forever. I honestly feel cursed, to always have to leave or run, to never be allowed the peace of a forever, and to lose love to others, to dreams I can never fulfil for them. A failure, I felt like a failure.
"Willa... have you ever thought about kissing me... besides that stupid practice kiss" Allie asks bluntly.
My thoughts get thrown.
What did she just say?!
Where did that spring from, had she noticed finally the way I looked at her, far from friendship sometimes, so far you could barely make out the friendships boundaries.
"Yes" I confess, and my heart beats out of tune with my body.
I have just confessed something I have kept hidden for so long, it is as if I may have a panic attack as it leaves me. "Have you" I ask quickly, trying to understand where this is coming from, and if she said yes how would I even process that, that Allie perhaps did see me a little more than her best friend.
This is the moment we can reveal a little, but not too much. "Yes" She answers a little breathlessly "a lot" She confesses further.
My eyes slip to her lips, quite of their own accord and back again. Allie does the same.
"A lot" I repeat surprised. I can't breath, what does she mean, A lot! Why is she telling me this. Why now after so long, words I would have died to hear for so many years that it didn't bear thinking about.
"Allie" I whisper, at the enormity of her declaration, but she ignores me, leaving it at that, like she dropped the bomb and expected nothing from it.
Allie opens the hotel door. I follow her in, pulling her against me and pushing us into the back of the door as it closes behind our weight "Allie" I ask again.
I have to know what she is meaning and wanting right now, because why would she do that to me, to confess such a thing, that she thought about kissing me... a lot... not just once... a-lot.
I am teeming with questions and longings that come cascading and charging out of the box that I had long buried. Like ghosts of the past, haunting, pulling and pushing and forcing the wanting of her back to the forefront of my mind, every sensation had returned, unbridled and wild, a look in my eyes reflected back from hers, an intensity. It was as if she wanted me to do it, to force the truth from her lips, to erase the space and kiss her, a kiss we had clearly both thought about far too much.
I feel her heart beating erratically against my body, hers almost beating out of her chest with an intensity and apprehension. Allie pulls me further against her by the fabric of my t shirt, an invitation, until my stomach presses into hers, the tremble there, the heat of her skin touching the slither of mine that is exposed from our embrace, it sends butterflies throughout my tummy. I frantically take her in, not daring to make the move, one I have so desperately dreamt of but buried for so long. Allie's eyes desperately dip to my lips before I cup her jaw in my hands. I can't hold myself back a moment longer, our lips finally collide, her hands drop to my hips and she grips me, moaning a little at the contact. I swallow the sound hungrily, taking her lips in rhythmic caresses that's are full of desire and emotion, a need to be closer, to taste each other, to take everything a kiss can give.
Our kisses are hungry and desperate upon each other's plumped flesh, but I cannot stop. I want more. I don't want it to end. Her fingers move away from my hips, trailing under my top as if she feels that too. I realise then, that this must stop, because one second longer and this moves to the bed.
I place my hands on hers, and stop them, halfway up my torso before breaking away breathlessly. "We can't" I whisper.
Her head falls forward onto my chest, and she nods whilst trying to catch her breath "I know" She replies.
Her hands slip back down my body, sending shivers and goosebumps over my flesh, and they fall away to my sides as she lifts her eyes to look at me "I love you" she confesses "perhaps a little more than I should" she adds "but you knew that"
I nod, because suddenly it seems so obvious. The ways she kept me to herself for so long, never liking any of my suitors, and the kiss at sixteen being quite her own idea. The words that slipped from her lips when she wasn't quite awake, the ways in which she had always kept me close, taken my hand and led me through life together, like a sweetheart.
"I do" I confess, with sudden realisation.
I run my hand through her hair tenderly "Alberta Anderson... to me...you will always be..." I say, with a contented smile.
"I need you to know ... You have to know..." Allie whispers "that I promise you this isn't goodbye. I promise to come find you Willa"
My eyes fill with tears "I've learned not to rely on promises Allie..."
I realise this is another goodbye, and everything I have just realised and felt from her is quite lost again. In seconds it's all become words with no substance... because of course this wasn't going anywhere... nothing had changed and she was about to reel it all back in as if it hadn't have been confessed.
She promises to come find me? When would that be? Another life time away? What did it even mean.
"You don't think I would" She asks me, surprised and pained that I thought she wouldn't.
I know, of course, that Allie would never hurt me on purpose. I knew she would keep her promise to one day come to me when she felt she could, but to have this moment and then have it whipped away so closely to my loss of Morgan, which still consumed me, the pain of it. There were too many goodbyes, and far too much to bear.
"I've got to go" I whisper, and I kiss her forehead. "See you in the morning" I say, desperate to get away from her watchful stare and let the cracks form and the tears release.
"Wait" She say grabbing my wrist as I unlocked the door. I turned back to face her, holding back the tears "Willa... take my hand" She begged.
I looked away, pained to do it, to be asked to touch her.
"Please Willa" She begs again, and without looking I allow my fingers to slip into hers. Allie squeezes them, and she pulls me into her arms "I'm sorry if me coming here has made it all worse". She says regretfully.
"You didn't" I reply, trying to stifle the sob rising in my throat. "I kissed you remember" I whisper, and I break our embrace and smile a little forcefully "My mistake" I add, before disappearing from the room.
I make it halfway down the corridor from her room before I fall against the wall, tears coming thick and fast, my heart threatening to splinter into a million pieces. What kind of hell was this?! Allie confessing she has feelings for me, kissing me, holding my flesh under her grip, aching to discover my body, having to hold her back, her desire starting to wash over us both, and then having to say goodbye to it all again. Her home and mine, they were a million miles from each other it seemed, and soon a country would be between us. But I didn't mean it, that it was a mistake, because Allie wasn't and could never be a mistake. When it came to her, there was nothing I wouldn't do to keep that feeling safe, and that sacred bond intact. I needed her, and yet I was walking away from her. Why was I walking away from her?! I turn around and wipe my eyes, looking back up the corridor to her door and I run, I run back. I could and would do anything to have Alberta Anderson, and she would never be a person I could ever run from again, and I didn't need to, because this time she felt it too, she...felt...it.
***
As the sob left Allie, she heard the door knock. And she gathered herself, wiping her eyes, taking a deep breath before she unlocked it and Willa threw her arms around her " I didn't mean that" she begged and she clung to her tightly, as Allie let out the relief with tears that fell down her cheeks. "Write me... every day..." she begged. "And censor nothing... I want it all" she whispered.
"I don't want to hurt you" Allie cried.
Willa leant back and wiped the tears from her eyes "Silence is more painful... and your words... they remind me I'm not alone... if it's all I can have... I want them... I want them all... each and every one"
Allie nodded and Willa released her "stay with me" she begged.
Willa shut the door behind her, and wrapped her in her arms once more "of course" she replied affectionately, and they did, they held each other all night, there were no more kisses, no touches, just a warm embrace and the content of being together for one last night before a sunrise, and the first day, of many, apart.
The beginning of the last seven... to the final release... to the inevitable destination... they just had to hope they could make it there in one piece and together. We know it though don't we? That they do, because who is Alberta Anderson without Willa Jameson...
But half a heart.