Six or so months later, when Morgan's seniors finished their last baseball season, Morgan handed in her notice and I drove down to her small apartment so we could Uhaul up the west coast together. From Arizona to Oregon.
I can't express how exciting it was to pick her up, and to start our journey together. The energy was brimming, electric almost, to be so excited for the start of our forever, which of course ended before it really began. Three years on reflection was but a flicker of time in life's journey, and I'm glad we never saw that coming, because we lived happily. We dated, we lived together, we got a rescue dog named Bob, and we were just so happy in our little bubble in Oregon.
Morgan and I rented for six months, a little house not too far from Erica and Mary's. It only had two bedrooms but that was more than enough for us. When we eventually found our groove, and Morgan had been back teaching the rival high school to mine for six months or so, we applied for a mortgage and bought a cute little house in the burbs. It was a house that sat between our rival schools, an equal travel to work for us both.
Bliss.
A word that describes this time, tangled in limbs, full to bursting with love and laughter, our friends and family shared, her presence in my life so seamless. Everyone loved Morgan, and they had accepted her into our little world so quickly, even Teddy, who was much too used to having me all to herself. Teddy perhaps began to prefer Morgan to me, much to my dismay, but Morgan took her on in our day to day and did not mind a bit coming to Saturday morning basketball, and watching me coach Teddy's team.
***
The following summer we would travel to Idaho where I would introduce Morgan to the family for the first time. My siblings and parents would meet my girlfriend. It was a terrifying prospect when they didn't even know about her, and they hadn't had to see me with a woman yet. The worst part though was Allie, she didn't know about Morgan either. I should have told her, of the love in my life and the happiness I was experiencing. I couldn't ever do it though. I came so close to telling her all about her when Morgan had moved up, but it never seemed a good time. Allie had been having a tough year, my mom had told me on the phone that they had been finding it hard to have another baby, something she said was starting to effect Allie. I still spoke with Allie and Harper all the time, and I received emails regularly too, but Allie never did tell me about her journey to baby number two or how it had been full of loss's so great they could have potentially claimed her too. I would find out on the trip, as she miscarried her fourth, that she was barely holding on at this point in her life, and what I saw scared me. How had she got so lost when I thought she was happy there? Why didn't I see it?! I felt like I had failed her in some way as her best friend. The day I went to hold her, why didn't I push her to tell me, so that I could help her, so I could have done more. The first day of the trip I would find her in her bed, and hold her, as she confessed that she was losing her baby, and for the first time I could be there, to hold her as it happened, to make sure she felt loved and supported. I would help hold her head above water as the waves of loss and pain threatened to drag her back under. When I think back to that day and night, and what we experienced together...I feel like it changed us both a little. Allie came to the end of her journey with Ben, and I realised the truth, that Allie had not been in bliss for eight years... she had been in some kind of limbo. She was in the boarder place, between heaven and hell, where as described 'Souls though not condemned to punishment, are deprived of the joy of eternal existence with god in heaven' and I think for me, that's how she must have felt. Other than when she was with Harper, she wasn't thriving or living her full life. Allie was in torment, and she would leave that second day of the trip, returning home to grieve alone... something that made me feel helpless as the trip unfolded. I didn't want to be there, among the family. I wanted to be holding Allie as she went through the transition, as life for her got dark, but it wasn't my place. Ben was her husband, yet he did not return with her, which always, always, irked me. If you take this beautiful woman as your wife, this angelic creature, than my god you take care of her, and you fucking put her first above all else. I wanted to scream "Go home and fucking hold her Ben".
Morgan had noted my change in mood, almost instantly, as Allie had departed.
"Are you okay" she had asked, as we swam in the lake side by side.
"Not really" I returned honestly. "She shouldn't be alone Morgan" I confessed worriedly.
Morgan stopped swimming and stood, the water up to her shoulders, she pulled me through the water and held me against her "Allie wants to be alone Willa. She told us all that, sometimes you need to be alone to get through something so awful"
Morgan strokes her hand through my wet hair "try and enjoy this time with your family babe. It's not as if it happens often, let's just let Allie have her space okay. She knows you love her"
I take a few breaths... giving in "Okay" I say quietly, but Morgan doesn't hear the deafening calls that I do, the pain is immense. I feel it, Allies soul is in agony.
***
The end of the week at the lake was the perfect shit ending to a shit week. Byron and Bram would walk in on Morgan and I kissing on the couch in my cabin. They were quite horrified, to finally realise this woman was my girlfriend, and that we were partaking in homosexual acts on their family trip. The news would seep through the family, and by the day we left, I wished beyond all else that I had just announced Morgan the day we arrived and let them know from the get go that she was my girlfriend. It was never something I wanted to hide. I was proud of Morgan and proud of our relationship. We were strong, we were happy, and she was my future. Luckily the next trip would be two years from now, a trip to Maui. We had time to let them get used to the idea that Morgan wasn't going anywhere, not that I thought so at the time anyway.
"They will get used to it babe" she says trying to comfort me on the drive back home, her fingers running across my shoulders as I drove.
"Don't let them rain on your parade" she says leaning over and kissing my cheek.
I reach over and squeeze her leg " you are the only thing that matters" I say with a loving smile. "As long as we are happy, it's all that I care about"
And of course Allie, I think, in the back of my mind. I would never be truly happy without Alberta Anderson's happiness, because we were one, a part of the other, and if one half wasn't happy, my goodness you could feel it. And I did, two months later with all communication silent, no word from her, no emails, no calls, nothing, I took the road back to her. It was unbearable to be in Allies silence, to walk around in the darkness of it, to not know if she was okay. My mom had told me she was withdrawing from church and family, and to be honest...I was scared. I felt I was too far away from her all of a sudden. I needed to return to see her in person. Luckily Morgan understood, she had best friends she would drop it all for too, to be certain they were safe and well.
***
"Allie" I had asked breathlessly "are you okay" and she had looked at me, in her back bedroom that she had turned into a painting studio. She seemed well, going through the motions of grief and transition in her life, but well.
"I missed you" she would say. She is of course shocked to have me arrive upon her door out of the blue, but she is happy to see me.
She tells me how she no longer wants an intimate marriage with Ben, no more babies, no more attempts at babies and no more sharing a bed. Her days of trying to build her family were over, and her withdrawal from the marriage had begun. I would beg her to write me again, but she wouldn't, she couldn't, she would write but she would never send it, promising one day that she would release her words to me, one day when the circumstances were appropriate. I would wonder what it was she longed to say that she couldn't, and it would be a source of wonder and sometimes intrigue, but she did agree to call me, and she would every day after that, keeping our calls regular. They were something we could depend upon and that was exactly what we both needed in this season of life, to depend on one another again. I had learnt in Allie's silence that I couldn't live without her in my life. I couldn't do what I did those years ago and go without her, not even for a day. I needed Allie's presence, even if it were a phone call of a morning to check in and hear her voice, to make sure she was well as can be. I needed Allie to be okay like it was a primal instinct.
***
"How was she?" Morgan asked, as I slipped into the covers and wrapped my arm around her waist, spooning her from behind.
It had been a long drive back and I had arrived early hours the next day to Morgan and I's home in Oregon. Morgan's sleeping form in our bed was a welcomed sight after such a long drive back, my mind swirling with thoughts and feelings.
"She's actually okay" I whisper softly "I think she's got so used to going through life alone, and holding her feelings in. She's forgotten that there's people out here, that I am out here and I want to share the load and have her tell me everything. I want to help. Morgan I want to help. I hate knowing I abandoned her that day, on her wedding, and perhaps if I had been around she wouldn't have ended up so unhappy"
"That's a-lot to put on yourself Willa" Morgan says turning around to face me, her face close on the pillow, her hand tucked under her cheek as she met my gaze. "Allie had choices and she made them. She decided to stay and marry Ben...in that god awful church. She must have known how it would be. If she's not happy why doesn't she leave" she says, as if it an easy thing to do.
"It's not that easy, to just leave, they have a child Morgan. It isn't the same as if she were me at eighteen when I left. I didn't have any responsibilities, and the only person I left that I wished I could have taken with me, was Allie"
Morgan looks me over, her deep blue eyes searching for something. "Willa Jameson I love you" she confesses "and I'm glad you left that place, so that you could find me" she states lovingly.
I reach out and stroke her cheek "I love you" I confess "love love love love you" I say peppering her nose and cheeks with kisses.
She smiles and turns away, hiding her face from my loving assault.
"Willa" she says turning back and rolling on top of me, her blonde hair falling down over us "I want something" she asks.
I smile cautiously "what is it" I ask, adjusting to her weight on my waist.
"I want a dog" she asks, her eyes appearing larger like she is appealing to me, begging me like a puppy for her own puppy. "Can we please get a dog" she asks pretending to whimper. "P p p please" she begs.
I didn't know how I would ever say no to Morgan, she had me completely smitten.
"Okay" I finally give in "we can get a dog"
"Yes" she says triumphantly leaning down and kissing my lips.
The kisses start sweet and slow, building to a lustful lick of her tongue across my mouth. She reaches up and throws off her white vest, her breasts falling out, my hands cupping them instantly, my thumb rolling under the rounded flesh, moaning at the way they felt as her lips crash back into mine. Morgan pulls back from the kiss. She pulls my top over my head and slips her hand eagerly down my shorts as I lie back down, completely exposed above the waist. Her mouth covers my breast, her tongue flicking slowly over my nipple, sending waves of pleasure to course through my veins as her fingers push inside of me "mmm" slips from my lips as my body finally relaxes from the stressful few days I've spent worrying and travelling. Morgan was good at distraction, this was exactly what I needed, to entwine and curl back into her, the girl who had my heart, my girl.