Chapter 39
As Birdie laid in bed with the lights off, she could still hear her grandmother and father bickering downstairs. Somewhere in between Maya had come upstairs to check in on Birdie, but the girl had pretended to be asleep and laid as still as she could. Birdie didn't let go of the breath she was holding until Ira's voice disappeared and her presence was taken out with the wind. The whole house grew quiet and the night grew dark.
Birdie turned to her side to stare out the large windows looking out to the forest. She could see the glow from the garden lights below as the trees swayed in the dark. Her eyes were dry and her nose was stuffy. She couldn't breath, yet she had no desire to move her body. When she heard the first pebble hit the glass window, it was almost as if the small rock had knocked on her chest.
Birdie's eyes closed. She prayed she didn't have to get up. She bit down her lips and laid still as the second pebble came a few seconds later...and then the third one...
I know you're not asleep.
Birdie's eyes watered as the familiar voice entered her mind-link. With a heavy heart, she rose from the bed and walked over to the window. Each step she took was painfully slow and cautious. Her skin shivered from the cold as she touched the glass and looked down.
You, my darling, are a sight for sore eyes. Adan smiled as he stood in the middle of the garden looking up at the second floor window.
Birdie couldn't help the sob that rose to her lips. She covered her mouth as fresh tears poured out of her like hot sticky guilt.
No, no, no, Adan pushed off the ground and floated over to the window. Don't cry.
Birdie shook her head. She leaned her head against the glass as Adan held up his hand on the other side. His face crumbled with worry as she stood shivering with heavy sobs.
Step back, the jinn said gently as he slid the window open.
Birdie took a step back as the cool night air burst in through the window along with Adan.
"We have a door!" Heyder suddenly said from the other side of the house as he slammed his balcony window shut. "Use it!"
Adan chuckled as he closed Birdie's window and turned his attention towards the girl standing before him. He was at a loss for words as he stared at Birdie, taking her in like a man lost at sea. His chest grew heavy with emotion as his eyes came to rest on her face and the tears running down her eyes.
"Hi," Adan's voice shook.
Birdie tried to smile but it was all too painful. She couldn't look up at him.
"I..." Adan took a step forward but stilled as Birdie tensed. He slowly held out a hand and waited for her to look at him, "Can I hold you?"
Birdie wanted to take fifty steps back. She wanted the walls to swallow her or the ground to bury her. She could hear the longing in Adan's voice as he wanted for her to respond. He was a mess of emotions just as she was a mess of sorrow, guilt, and helplessness.
"Please," Adan said in the dark.
With her hands over her mouth, Birdie nodded, letting Adan know it was okay for him to step forward. She held her breath as he moved closer and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest with a deep sigh. She could feel his heart pounding in his chest beneath her hands, his breathing labored as he tried to absorb the moment as best as he could.
"I love you," Adan whispered against Birdie's ears. "I love you so much."
His declaration of love made the iron knife twist painfully in Birdie's chest. She felt defeated and lost as she stood in his embrace, crying for someone else.
"You're home," Adan ran a hand through her silver hair. "You're safe now."
Birdie's lungs wanted to burst with a scream. She couldn't shake off the fell of Wren's arms holding her and whispering those same words to her.
You're safe now...I'll keep the monsters away...
"Adan," Birdie managed to speak through her tears. "I...."
"I've been dreaming of this day," Adan cupped her face and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. "Every single second without you was torture."
The knife twisted once more. She stared up at the boy she had just seen a few weeks ago. She couldn't wrap her head around how time had cheated her. The Adan she left behind wasn't the one holding her. He was much older now. His hair was trimmed neatly, his arms were bigger and his eyes a little more careful and guarded.
"Six years..." Adan sighed, resting his forehead against Birdie. "The days dragged on painfully."
"You...." Birdie could hardly speak with the emotions choking her. "You waited...."
"Why do you sound surprised?" Adan chuckled, kissing her forehead. "I would wait a hundred years for you."
"Why?" Birdie felt her stomach turn. "Why did you...why would you..."
"Because I love you," Adan said. "And I wasn't going to give up on you coming home."
"But you didn't even know if I was coming back!" Birdie stepped away. "What if I never came back? Would you have wasted your whole life just waiting around for me?"
"Yes," Adan said without hesitation.
"No," Birdie shook her head in anger. "Don't say that. That's just....wrong and stupid!"
"Don't tell me how to love you," Adan shook his head.
"Why?" a broken sob bubbled out of Birdie's lips. Why do you love me? How can you love me?
"Why?" Adan shrugged. "Because you don't get to decide how I love you. This is my love to give and I will give it to you."
"Adan," Birdie felt defeated. She sank down on the edge of the bed and laid down, pulling her legs up until she curled into a small ball. Her face buried in her knees and her hair spilling over the edge.
"Why are you so upset with me?" Adan asked, kneeling beside the bed.
"Because you waited," Birdie said.
"You would rather me move on?"
"I didn't want you to waste your life on me," Birdie curled her hands under her chin and looked up at Adan. "I would have understood if you did move on..."
"That's good to know," Adan leaned in a bit closer. "But you don't seem to understand that I can't move on."
Birdies eyes watered. She stared at Adan until the pain was too much to bare and she buried her face in the pillows once more.
Adan stared at her, his gentle hand on her back, comforting her as her sobs slowly began to die down from how exhausted she was growing. A hard lump began to form in his chest as Birdie's words swam in his head.
"Birdie..." Adan spoke up after a while. "Look at me."
Birdie pulled her sheets closer.
"Look at me, please," Adan gently tugged at the white sheets.
"What?" Birdie asked, her head pounding.
"Sit up," Adan took her by the shoulder and sat her down. "Look at me."
Birdie shook her head. She bit down on her bottom lip as Adan kneeled in front of her and took hold of her chin. He raised her face to look into her silver eyes.
"While you were away..." he began, his heart pounding. "Did you..........was there......"
Birdie felt the guilt flare up as Adan struggled to finish the sentence. She couldn't look at him as his breathing changed and his eyes dimmed.
"Oh..." Adan said, his voice a soft echo in the room.
"I'm sorry," Birdie broke down once more. "I'm so sorry."
Adan was stunned. He didn't know what to say as Birdie covered her mouth to keep quiet. He leaned back and gazed at her without seeing her.
"Is he...did they..." he couldn't get this thoughts straight. "Are they...."
Birdie didn't understand what he was asking.
"Are they at court?" Adan finally asked, his face twisting in pain. "Did they come through the portal with you?"
Birdie shook her head, "No."
"Where are they?"
"Pangea," Birdie stared at her feet. "He's...."
"Do you love him?"
"What?" Birdie eyes snapped up and filled with confusion.
"Do you love him?" Adan repeated.
"Adan...it's..."
"Do you love him, Birdie?" Adan's voice hardened. His eyes grew angry and the muscles in his jaw tensed. "Fuckin' Christ!"
Birdie flinched as Adan jumped to his feet and ran a hand through his hair. He began to fume as he paced the floor, trying his best to not let his anger and frustration get the best of him.
"I'm so sorry," Birdie whispered. "It....it just happened....I....I know I hurt you....It was never my intention to hurt you."
"I put my life on hold for you," Adan said in anger. "And you were fucking other people!"
"I'm sorry," it was all Birdie could seem to say.
"You're sorry?" Adan laughed bitterly. "God.....Birdie! Why? Why do you make it so difficult to love you? Why is this such a punishment?"
There was nothing Birdie could say that would make anything better. She sat quietly on the edge of the bed as Adan continued to pace. His energy radiated off of him in waves of heat like the rays of the burning sun. Birdie's tears had dried against her face as she waited for him to say something else.
"I don't have an explanation for what I did," she said after a long stretch of silence. "And it's been eating me alive...I couldn't keep it from you."
Adan paused and stared at her, "If he was here right now...would you pick him?"
Birdie lifted her lashes and stared at the half jinn. She was surprised to see the faint shimmer of silver in his iris.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"If he was here right now," Adan repeated clearly and slowly. "And you had a choice between me and him...would you pick him?"
Birdie's eyes watered as his words registered in her mind. How was she going to explain to him there was no choice to be made? The choice didn't even exist.
"Adan," Birdie's chest began to shake. Her head swayed as she braced herself, "I can't pick him...it's not possible. He's de-"
"That's all I need to know," Adan stopped her.
Birdie didn't say anything as he took a seat beside her and dropped his head into his hands. His leg bounced up and down as he tried to control his emotions. Birdie sat still, staring out the window, listening to Adan's breathing as a strange feeling of numbness and exhaustion took over.
"I'm going to go," Adan mutter after what seemed like an eternity.
"I'm sorry," Birdie whispered.
"I need some time to think about this," Adan rose from the bed and followed Birdie's gaze to the window. "This wasn't how I pictured seeing you again."
Birdie nodded, dropping her gaze to her feet.
"But before I go," Adan paused. "How are you?"
The softness in his voice made Birdie's eyes water once more. She looked up at him, making the tears in her eyes shimmer in the dim light. Adan was once again brought down to his knees as he cupped her face and placed a kiss on her forehead.
"I know you're angry with me," Birdie sobbed.
"I am," Adan admitted.
"I'm so sorry for hurting you," Birdie whispered. "You don't deserve any of it."
"I don't want to talk about this right now," Adan said softly. "Not yet."
Birdie nodded.
"I'll see you soon?" Adan began to rise.
"Yes," Birdie nodded, whipping the tears on her cheeks with her sleeves.
Adan let a few seconds linger before he walked over to the door and summoned a portal. He left Birdie sitting in the dark, alone with her thoughts and the shadows of memories she couldn't seem to push to the back of her head.
___________________________
The next morning, Birdie pulled herself out of bed with aching muscles. Her eyes burned from how dry they were. Yet as soon as her mind awoke, they began to water from the hollowness inside of her.
Noor and Zuri's voice could be heard from downstairs. Birdie looked at the door that was slightly left open by her mother the night before. She knew they were waiting for her to make her way downstairs. Every cell in her body wanted to crawl back into bed and shut off all the blinds. But Birdie knew she needed to be around her family. She needed to feel their warmth and remind her that life was going to go on.
After showering, Birdie wrapped her towel around her and stared at her reflection in the mirror. She was stunned to see how different she looked from how she was feeling. Her cheeks were fuller, her skin plump and glowing. Her usual limp hair fell over her shoulders in soft waves with unusual amount of volume at the roots.mBirdie raised her hand and touched her cheek. She couldn't believe she was staring at herself.
On the inside she felt as if she was trapped inside a glass cage, just watching herself go through the motions of life. The disconnect between her mind and her body was only ever absent when she would feel the aching pain in her chest. Yet...none of that was evident on her face.
She was the picture of health...with sorrow filled and empty eyes.
Too exhausted to do anything, Birdie pulled on a pair of loss jeans and a dark green hoodie. She pushed her hair into a low ponytail and made her way down to the kitchen, her bare-feet making no sound. As she neared the kitchen, her mother's soft laughter and her father's voice caused her to pause outside.
"Can I distract you for just a second?" Heyder teased Maya as he wrapped his arms around her from behind and placed a playful kiss on her shoulder.
"You're going to make me burn my pancakes!" Maya laughed as she poured the batter.
"That wasn't a no, sweet baby," the jinn squeezed his wife.
"No!" Maya tried to wiggle away.
"Come here," Heyder demanded, his voice full of laughter.
"I'm going to hit you with the ladle," Maya shook her head.
"Maybe that's exactly what I want you to do."
Suddenly there was a gagging sound from the back door. Birdie looked over to find her brother coming through holding Nora.
"Just once I want to come into this house and not be traumatized," Hayden said, sliding the back door open and calling the kids inside.
"We have a fuckin' door, people!" Heyder pointed. "Use it. I paid good money for it. It's hand carved by a group of dying craftsmen in the Himalayas."
"Heyder! Language!" Nora scolded the jinn as Zuri and Noor walked in.
"My apologies," Heyder held up his hands. "Use the fudging door next time, ay peanut? We need some privacy around here."
"We'll use the portal outside the house and ring the bell," Nora smiled.
"That's stupid," Noor remarked as he sank down in a chair.
As Heyder and Noor bickered, Birdie stood watching them all from where she was in the halls. Their voices echoed around her head, the scene playing out before her as if she was watching a movie.
Zuri was the first to notice Birdie standing in the halls. Her big round eyes found Birdie and a small sheepish smile appeared on her face. Her energy seemed to pull Birdie into the room as she sat quietly, not listening to everyone around her.
"Good morning, baby bird," Heyder's eyes lit up as he spotted Birdie. He let out his hundredth sigh of relief as she walked into his arms and placed her cheek over his heart.
"Good morning, baba," Birdie said quietly, pushing herself to smile a bit for everyone's sake.
"How did you sleep?" Maya placed a kiss on Birdie's shoulder as she walked past with a tray full of pancakes.
"Fine," Birdie lied.
She didn't bother looking at her mom because Birdie knew Maya had come running into her room the night before when she heard Birdie screaming in her sleep. The weight of her mother's concerned gaze was heavy on her shoulders. Birdie buried her face deeper into Heyder's shirt to hide from her mother.
"Let's eat?" Heyder looked down at his daughter.
He didn't want to let the dark clouds fly back into his mind. Lord knew it took a long time for him to accept that he was allowed to have good things in life. Having Birdie back home was one of those things.
But Heyder couldn't help it. He had never seen Birdie so lifeless.
Maya had told him to giver Birdie some space to readjust back into everything but Heyder was impatient.
"Come sit here," Zuri suddenly spoke up.
Birdie gave the little girl a small smile as she made her way over to the chair beside her. Nora smiled at her daughter and gave her a nod of approval as Birdie took her seat.
"I'm sorry for the way I acted yesterday, Aunty B." Zuri said quietly, looking up at Birdie through her dark lashes.
"That's okay," Birdie reached out and brushed the back of her knuckles against Zuri's face. She instantly pulled back as she was reminded of Wren doing that to her.
"Mama said I shouldn't be jealous of you because you love me very much," Zuri continued.
"I do," Birdie nodded. "The night you were born I stayed up with you in my arms all night because your dad was too scared to let the nurses take you away. Your mom needed to be healed so he couldn't hold you himself."
"I know," Zuri nodded. "Mama showed me pictures."
"You cried like a little kitten," Birdie tucked back some of the little girl's long dark hair.
"Do you remember when you used to let me play in your closet?" Zuri perked up, warming up to her aunt.
"Yes," Birdie chuckled. "I remember everything."
"Your headbands fit me," Zuri said. "I like them a lot. Mimi let me wear one to Paws' funeral and she said I could keep it. But only if I took really good care of it."
The fork Birdie had picked up slipped from her hand and fell to the floor.
Everyone around the room froze as their eyes fell on Birdie. No one uttered a word as Zuri looked around, wondering why the air in the room had suddenly changed.
"Wh....what?" Birdie felt the air in her lungs become too heavy for her to use. She could hear her blood rushing past her ears as her eyes moved towards her parents. "What?"
"So does this mean we're not going to eat breakfast now?" Noor asked quietly. Everyone ignored him as they stared at Birdie.
"What did she just say?" Birdie whispered, meeting her mother's eyes. "Paws..."
"Zuri," Nora gently tugged her daughter out of her seat and turned her towards the living room. "Why don't you and Noor go get some berries from the garden."
"It's so humid in the greenhouse," Noor complained but complied as Nora grilled him.
Birdie couldn't look away from her mother as the children left the room. She felt Nora take a seat beside her and place a hand on her shoulder as Hayden bowed his head and Heyder went to go stand beside Maya.
"When..." Birdie felt a wave of grief beat against her. "When did this happen?"
"About a year ago," Nora said quietly.
"How..." Birdie turned to look at Nora.
"Towards the end, he began to age much faster than everyone else," Nora said each word carefully and slowly.
Birdie's face twisted in pain as her bottom lip trembled, "Mimzy...."
"She was right beside him," Nora held onto Birdie's hand tightly. "He was happy. It happened in his sleep. He didn't suffer. Mimzy held his hand and she said he told her he loved her and that he would be home for dinner."
The pain behind Birdie's eyes were unimaginable as she sat trying to process what she had just heard. Her mind and body were too stunned. She didn't know how much more of the roller coaster ride she could take before she fell off and the world crumbled around her.
"We wanted to wait a bit longer before telling you," Maya said. "You're already so overwhelmed and all this...."
"I want to see Mimzy," Birdie managed to choke out. "Please."
Maya nodded slowly, "She wants to see you too. We told her to give you a few to kind of settle in."
"I want to see her now," Birdie said. "Today."
"We will go," Hayden assured her.
"And Eggs," Birdie's heart clenched. "Eggs and Angel...."
"They're okay," Heyder rushed to ease her panic. "Eagerly waiting to see you again."
"Please," Birdie urged. "I want to see them now."
I had been dreading writing this chapter >.< But now it's done