Onika Tanya Maraj
August 21st
Onika looked out at the water as she did thousands of times. She loved the sea, she was sure of it. It was beautiful—and was a mystery in its own way.
She smiled at the feeling of her toes in the sand—and she looked over to her father. He was meditating as usual. Onika comes to visit him once a week now.
She watched him take a deep breath before coughing a bit, she frowned.
"You alright there pop?" Onika asked and he just waved his hand, "I'm fine Oni." He mumbled. Onika just nodded and looked back out at the sea.
"I start school soon." Onika mumbled and Robert smiled. "So you did decide to go back?" He asked and Onika nodded. Taking a deep breath, inhaling in the salty air. It was familiar and comforting when she was conflicted or nervous.
"Yeah, Beyoncé encouraged me. And I really did want to go back. I'm at a different university now of course." Onika explained. It was scary being back on a college campus—but—she felt calmer now.
"That's good Onika." He said quietly looking up at the moon. They both listened to the sound of the waves crashing. Onika looked at the small turtles roaming the beach and smiled.
"When I die, I want to come back as one of these." Robert announced looking down at the turtles. Onika looked over to him with a quirked eyebrow.
"Turtles? They're cute sure—but they're slow. And hide in their shell half the time." Onika said and Robert smiled.
"That's the point." He said shrugging, Onika didn't exactly get it. But she'd let it go, she found moments like this between them calming. "Well I don't think you're gonna be a turtle any time soon." Onika stated and her father didn't respond. He just stared at the aquatic reptiles.
"Dad, you okay?" She asked placing her hand on his shoulder and he just nodded. "I'm fine. Just thinking." He mumbled before adjusting himself. Onika nodded and filled the silence that fell upon the two.
"I cut off Lauren." Onika suddenly said washing the waves crash against each other, as if they're tussling for dominance of some sort. Her father let out a small smile. "That's good. I know that must've been hard for you." He stated.
It was hard, Lauren used to be one of her best-friends—Onika was too blind to see she wasn't what a bestfriend should be. She wasn't supportive, she wasn't caring—she took advantage of Onika and the girl was tired of it. She had to choose better for herself.
She couldn't lie and say she didn't spend the next few nights crying however.
She's been attending NA meetings, she works at a small cafe now, attends therapy and in her free time she's usually with Beyoncé or her sister.
But still felt—sad. No—something more than sad.
She looked down at her feet, and focused on every grain of sand she could that was covering them. Her father must have noticed how she had gotten quiet because he spoke up. "What's wrong with you now kid?" He asked and she sighed and looked back up at the ocean, she decided to tell him. Her the sprint did tell her bottling up her feelings was the worst way of "coping" besides Onikas previous drug addiction.
"i'm happy but—at the same time I'm unhappy? I feel bad about myself. Which is like—nothing new. But—I'm doing better. Things are getting better. So why is it still so hard? Why am I still sad? Shouldn't I be happy now and living the American dream or something?" She asked while tears filled her eyes. Her father sighed, and spoke his words of wisdom once more.
"That's not how any kind of treatment works. You don't get better within a month. You just see progress. And nothings wrong with feeling upset that the progress isn't enough—but there is an issue with forcing yourself to get better or change if it isn't for yourself." He said and Onika looked at his side profile, he turned to her so they were face to face.
"Are you getting better for yourself—or are you forcing yourself because you feel bad for the "trouble" you put your family and friends through?" He asked putting the word trouble in quotation marks. Onika looked down, she felt as if a weight of shame was just on her neck.
Robert didn't receive a verbal answer, but he already knew seeing as he went through the same thing Onika was going through.
"I can't tell." She admitted quietly.
It hurt to admit it. She couldn't lie. She felt this weight of guilt crash into her each time she looked around at all the people she cared about—and then the way she treated them. She knew it was because of she wasn't sober at the time. And she couldn't tell if she wanted better for herself—or for the people around her.
"It's not fair." She said quietly, "I've tried my best and I still have to keep trying. I'm content. But—I'm not happy." She admitted, her father let out a low sigh.
He knew Onika had to learn that getting better for other people was different than getting better for herself.
"You've come a long way Onika. But you've still got a long way to go. You're going to attend your NA meeting tonight aren't you?" He asked—and by asking he was really making sure Onika was indeed attending her meetings.
Onika nodded, she tried to claim she didn't need to go after her fathers bootcamp but—he didn't believe that.
"Then get going, I know how you are. The later you stay here the less you'll want to go." He said and Onika sighed, she knew he was right. She stood up, reluctantly before leaning down and kissing her dad on the cheek.
"Love you." She said quietly and he smiled, "I love you too. Get your ass to your meeting." He said and Onika scoffed, before looking down at him. He had seriously helped her—they had went from not speaking to Onika telling him everything.
Sometimes she still thinks about her broken she was when she ended up on his doorstep, crying and sobbing.
She made her way to her meeting, brushing off her shorts that had grains of sand clad to them. Before stopping though, she decided to stop at Beyonces house. Because the more she thought about what her father said—the more she had to work on herself.
She parked quickly before knocking lightly, and the blonde answered the door immediately with a grin. She seemed so excited to see the girl.
"Onika—hi! You have NA tonight right? Let me go get my keys—" Onika stopped her right there, she felt a bit guilty requesting this but she knew that this may help her. And rid of her of the permanent shadow of guilt she seems to stand in nowadays.
"Yeah—about that—can..I go by myself tonight?" Onika asked and Beyoncé looked at her a bit confused, "Oh—we usually go together." Beyoncé said and Onika nodded, she knew they usually want together and Onika loved having Beyoncé around but—she had to experience it herself.
"I love your company Beyoncé and I love you it's just I need to learn what it's like to take care of myself on my own—and I think it'll be easier i if I just do it by myself—I'm not pushing you away or anything I just need..time." Onika confessed, she felt as if a big breath of fresh air had finally arrived.
Beyoncé listened before the words onika said rang through her head.
"You love me?"
Beyoncé asked pointing to herself and Onika froze, her rambling that she didn't even get to start had seized. And so did Onikas blood—and movements. The two stared at each other in slight shock and Onika gulped loudly enough for the two to hear.
"I—I'm gonna go." Onika mumbled, turning around swiftly before walking away—which turned into speed walking which then turned into running towards her car.
Beyoncé still stood in the doorway with a shocked expression on her face and Onika gripped the handle on her car, before freezing and taking a deep breath. She didn't want to run away from this—no—not again. She turned around and looked at Beyoncé who still had her wide hazel eyes trained on Onika.
"I think I love you and I'm kind of afraid to admit that and I just wanted to let that out so I don't think about it during my whole meeting—and I just—want—you—well you don't—fuck!" She exclaimed, her nerves were definitely getting to her and Beyoncé chuckled watching her stumble over her words.
"Don't laugh! You used to be the one stumbling and here I am." Onika mumbled and Beyoncé so desperately just wanted to kiss her, and hold her and make her anxiety melt away—but they weren't official. Or even sure of where they stood. They just knew they'd be there for each other.
"We can talk about it later, you can meet me by the beach after your done. Go to your meeting." Beyoncé said softly. She knew Onika would overthink about this—and she didn't plan on doing her love confession in her pajamas.
Onika gulped once again and turned around, but she still felt unsatisfied and a bit nervous with Beyoncés light command, she still did go to her meeting.
And it felt different without Beyoncé, she didn't have a hand to hold or someone to whisper to. She was by herself with her own thoughts, which felt dangerous to her. Because before hand, being by heralded with her own thoughts never worked out positively for her.
She felt as if she was missing a part of her, but she understood she had to do it for herself—and be more independent. It was her own journey to recovery after all.
"Get better for yourself." Onika mumbled, as she sat in her chair and looked down at her chip she received a little awhile ago. She fumbled with it in her hands, she couldn't believe she had actually done it. Done this.
It was the white chip, indicating 24 hours of sobriety—and she now had her red chip. Indicating one full month. She was proud of herself.
She smiled softly to herself, the words being spoken in the meeting had all blurred to Onika as she focused on the white chip in her hand.
Suddenly she heard a familiar name.
"I see we have a new member with us today! Lauren, is it?"
Onikas blood ran cold, and she felt like her heart stopped beating.
She raised her head slowly, and her eyes scanned the circle they were in. She was met with the eyes of the very woman who honestly was to blame for Onika sitting in this chair. She seemed surprised to see Onika there too—they were both frozen.
Lauren however had knocked herself out of it faster than Onika did by clearing her throat, "Yeah. I'm Lauren." She said coldly, and that's what Onika always hated about her—no matter how warm the atmosphere was either literally or metaphorically she always found a way to push her cold attitude outwards.
"And what brings you here today?" Ariana asked, and Lauren glanced at Onika once again.
"My brother told me I had to go here after overdosing and almost dying." She stated, and Onika's own eyes widened. The rest of the meeting was a blur once again but—she couldn't believe she was seeing the same girl she yelled at just a little while ago was now in NA with her.
When the meeting was over, Onika wasted no time making her way to her car—which was really Ming's. As soon as she reached it, she reached in her pocket and her heart dropped again.
Because she didn't feel the keys.
She searched all of her pockets, her front ones and her back ones and she let out a frustrated sigh. She couldn't be late seeing Beyoncé—because she knew that beautiful blonde was probably her only real chance at love and that scared Onika but she knew she had to face it. She couldn't run away—she refused to.
She pulled out her phone, and to her luck it was dying. Hanging onto 1 percent, Onika quickly tried to unlock it and alert Beyoncé. But it died asoon as the phone began to ring.
She was so frustrated she could cry.
She suddenly heard keys jingling, and she tried to hold in her emotions as she turned around slowly and was met with no one either than Lauren. Her expression was blank, and her face was bare. She noticed the keys and her hands weren't even hers.
"What the fuck do you want?" Onika asked harshly and Lauren quirked an eyebrow. "Is this what rehab did to you? Make you act like a total bitch?" Lauren asked and Onika scoffed. "Just leave me the hell alone." Onika mumbled and Lauren smirked.
"I was going to offer you a ride—seeing as you misplaced your keys." Lauren teased and Onika glared at her, "I rather walk home." Onika claimed and Lauren snickered. "You rather walk home? That's atleast a 2 hour walk. At night." Lauren said and Onika gulped, she had a point.
"I've done it before." Onika stated, and she seriously had. Mainly coming from Lauren's house.
"Don't be a dumbass Onika." Lauren said.
"That's what I'm trying not to do. Which is why I'm telling you to leave me the fuck alone." Onika said, her voice quivered and she let out another sigh of frustration. She didn't want this—she wanted to see Beyoncé—hug her—maybe even kiss her because damn did her lips feel good and her embrace was a different experience.
"Fine. Have it your way. Have a nice walk home." Lauren said before purposely walking away slowly, Onika bit the side of her cheek—the area the rec center she went to wasn't exactly located in the safest neighborhood. And Onika usually ahd some sort of weapon with her when she walked from Lauren's house.
"Wait!" Onika stoped her; and Lauren smirked before turning her head around.
"Just..take me home." Onika stated seriously, she was glaring at Lauren. She wasn't playing around—but to the other brunette this was all a game to her.
Lauren grinned—because in her mind she was winning. And this was pay back.
"Gladly."
Beyoncé waited for Onika, she checked her phone and she knew the girl should be here soon. She sat at the beach with her flowers and mini box. It contained a price of jewelry she thought Onika would appreciate.
She was a bit nervous herself but she knew Onika liked her—no—loved. She knew Onika loved her—she just didn't know exactly how to express. Or she had a hard time doing so, along with everything she's been dealing with these past few months.
Beyoncé smiled to herself, she was so proud of her.
Beyoncé decided to just wait.
And wait.
And..wait.
But no Onika.
It to the point where Onika was about an hour late and Beyoncé tried calling her several times, she was worried now. She decided to call Ming, the phone rang for a bit before the older woman picked up.
"Hey, sorry I know it's late but—did Onika ever come home from NA? I was waiting for her and we kind of had a thing set up." Beyoncé said quietly, fumbling with the box in her hand. She was nervous—because in the back of mind she prayed Onika hadn't gone down the wrong path.
"I didn't hear her come home—but—don't worry. My old car is really bad and probably broke down again." Ming stated and Beyoncé nodded in understanding, they bid their goodbyes but Beyoncé could help but feel disappointed.
"She's probably fine." She mumbled; standing up and making her own way to her car. She felt tears brim her eyes, she couldn't help but feel upset.
Because she really wanted this to be the night.
Ming on the other hand was dialing Onikas phone like crazy, but each time it did it went to voice mail. She regretted giving Onika her old car—because she knew that it wasn't the best for driving.
She sighed, checking the time. It was approaching 2 in the morning and she was still pacing around in her living room praying that her sister was okay. She considered calling the police but she knew they didn't care unless she was missing for atleast 24 hours. And with her history—she knew that they wouldn't take Onika seriously.
She took several deep breathes before hearing a knock on her door. She eyed it for a moment before pulling it open and being exposed to a sight she's seen before.
Onika, with tears in her eyes, disheveled hair and clothing along with a side of guilt written all over her face.
"Onika.." Ming trailed off and Onika could practically feel the disappointment radiating off of her sister as she hugged herself and broke down at the doorway—she sobbed and fell to the ground,
"I did it..I did it again. I..I.." She couldn't even bring herself to mutter it. Ming bit her lip and tried to hold in her own tears—before bringing Onika in for a tight hug. Holding her close as Onika broke down in her arms.
"I know Onika, I know.." Ming let out a low sigh as she comforted her sister while trying her best not to cry herself.
Onika was doing so good.
"I—I shouldn't had asked Beyoncé not to come—I would've been protected with her there—without her I'm just some weak sack of shit Ming." Onika stumbled and sobbed and Ming just continued to hold her.
"We're going to take you to actual rehab in the morning Onika.. you need help. We can do outpatient care or inpatient care. Whichever one you think would be the best for you."
Was all Ming said as Onika nodded softly into her neck as her elder sister gently cradled her head with care.
She couldn't fight what Ming was saying—just like she couldn't fight against Lauren once she entered that car.
.
.
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i know y'all r SO mad at me..but hi..!!! :^)
I put this book on hold because I had to have a steady idea for the next few chapters and I do now so get ready lol!
but..how was the chapter?
onika relapsing? :(
beyoncé and Onika?
beyoncés feelings?
Onikas feelings?
Her conversation with her dad?