~Paige
Love just might be the scariest thing I've ever had to face.
I have this horrible fear that I'll end up just like my mother and leave the foundation I've built with my partner.
Or even worse, end up like my father. An addict with issues who was blinded by the anger pent up inside of him.
Calum makes me happy and right now I feel happier than I've ever been. It's just that I'm so fucking scared that I'm going to ruin everything.
The two of us have built this beautiful relationship out of something that started from an innocent friendship. We've grown together and learned so much about what building trust for one another really means.
Then there's the other problem. Calum and I don't have forever and it sucks that he doesn't even know that. All of these moments we've had together will all be but a memory soon enough.
This is the exact reason why I'm sitting up in bed, panting like I just ran a marathon. My hand rests over my heart as I try to regain composure over my breathing.
Everything was fine when I fell asleep last night, safe in Calum's arms with my head resting comfortably on his chest. Oh, but was I wrong to think I'd finally get a good night's sleep.
I was used to having occasional nightmares. That's just what happens when you're constantly as stressed out as I am. You just learn to deal with them. But this one was different.
It was as if my brain had put me in Calum's shoes, tricking me into thinking he had died a tragic death right in front of my eyes. One minute we were walking down the street, and the next he was dead on the floor in my arms as I sobbed hysterically over him.
I take deep breaths through my nose, trying everything I can to stop the panic attack I can feel arising. I'm not the type of person to cry often. When I'm stressed I tend to lash out at people rather than let my tears free fall.
However, this is the first time in a while that a nightmare has made me feel as though I've reached my breaking point and at any moment I would let it happen.
To my dismay, Calum wakes up as soon as he hears my breathing getting louder. In the midst of me trying to calm myself down, my overthinking only made it worse.
"Paige?" He asks groggily due to just waking up. If it were easy, I would do my best to hide whatever I'm feeling right now, never wanting to worry him. It's just that it feels impossible at this moment, I'm in too deep to get a hold of myself now. "Paige, baby?" He asks again, this time seeming much more awake.
He sits up fully in the bed, pulling me to him. He overlooks my face trying to figure out what happened to make me react this way. My eyes no doubt look bloodshot from the pure fear I'm feeling right now. I hadn't even realized I'd been shaking until Calum wrapped his arms around me.
"What happened?" He asks, his voice cracking with concern. "You're shaking like crazy." I feel his hands rub up and down my arm doing nothing to soothe me, but it's something nonetheless.
I open my mouth to try and explain, but choke on my breath in the attempt. I'm working too hard at trying to blink away my tears that my eyes have begun to sting.
I need to let go. I just need to let it go.
My tears feel warm as they stream down my face. My shaking doesn't subside, but I feel an immense amount of relief from letting my emotions go.
"You can't leave me Calum. Please don't leave me." I mumble through my tears. My brain clouded with thoughts of what had happened in my nightmare.
"I'm not leaving you angel. I'm right here." I feel him press a long kiss to my temple, my eyes flutter shut at the soothing sensation. My eyelashes feel damp from the overflowing tears that won't seem to stop.
"But–in my dream one second you were alive then the next...you...you–were gone!" I say frantically, trying to catch up with my breath.
Calum pulls me onto his lap with my legs around his waist so that I'm straddling him and am able to rest my head on his chest. He runs his hand up and down my back making me feel somewhat better now that I can feel all of him against my skin.
The beat of his heart pressed up against my ear reminds me that he's here and alive. He presses gentle kisses on my hair and I close my eyes at the comforting feeling he's providing me with right now.
The ideology of being in love has always been confusing and terrifying to me, something I never wanted to face. Calum makes it all worth it. He makes me feel things no one else can.
But how am I supposed to explain this to him? The fact that I had a dream about him dying certainly did not come from no where. It's so hard falling in love with someone when you know that it will eventually have to come to an end.
"What do you need, baby?" I hear Calum ask softly after a few minutes. My breathing had calmed down slightly, with the occasional hiccup. Being in his arms made me feel so at peace that I never want to remove myself from his arms ever again.
I sniffle, "Can we just stay like this?" I murmur exhaustedly into his warm chest.
"Of course we can."
Calum settles his back on the pillows, laying the both of us down into an even more comfortable position.
My head rises and falls with his chest as he sighs before speaking again, "Are you going to tell me what happened?" He asks, not pushing it but his voice is still nothing short of concern.
My eyes stay closed, afraid that if I open them he won't be there anymore. "When I'm ready." I tell him simply.
He leans down to press another kiss on my head, his movements on my back never subside once and I hope they don't for a while. I need his comfort more than anything right now.
"You can fall asleep Paige." He says softly, his voice sounding much more awake than it did minutes ago. "I'll be right here when you wake up."
—
This morning started off horrific to say the least.
When I woke up, Calum encouraged the idea of spending the day outside to take in the sunlight and fresh air as a way of calming my mind, consequently sparking an idea.
Because my best friend loves posing for pictures and I happen to find an escape from the aspect of taking pictures, we ended up on the rooftop of our hotel doing just that.
Vanessa poses, leaning against the edge with the city behind her. The sun hits her tan skin perfectly, making her dark hair appear much lighter.
She wears a black cropped tank top that compliments her breasts perfectly. A pair of sunglasses rest on the bridge of her nose.
A playlist we found on Spotify plays upbeat music to get us into the mood, temporarily taking my mind off of everything that had happened.
I've always loved taking pictures of Vanessa, especially when she's on stage. But there's something so precious about taking focused pictures of her.
"Make sure you're getting my left side," Vanessa instructs, positioning her face more to the left. "That's my better side."
"I've taken over a thousand pictures of you." I remind her. "I think I know which sides your best by now."
I admire how vibrant and confident in herself Vanessa is. When taking pictures of a person like her, you can really encapsulate what their personality is like.
Her style is so simplistic yet chic. It's an aesthetic of its own and I adore it. There were times in college that she wouldn't agree with what I had chosen to wear and would give me her own clothes to fit what she thought was in style.
I was silly to think that my style was better.
I take the camera away from my eye and let the strap hang around my neck, "Let's go over here. The lightings much better."
I guide the two of us closer to the entrance of the rooftop. The hotel had set up a mini garden with tiny flowers and green grass that coincidently matched Vanessa's outfit.
She stands with her arms behind her back, obviously showing off her left side more.
I adjust my camera to capture the shot and press the button over and over again knowing I'll get at least a few good ones the more I take them.
As I lower myself to the ground to capture a new position, Vanessa squeals and swats something away from her face. Her reaction shocks me, causing my finger to accidentally snap an extra photo.
"What's wrong?" I ask, trying to figure out why my best friend is freaking out.
"There's a bee!" She runs behind me, ducking as a way to hide from the small insect.
"Well you were standing besides a bunch of flowers. You had to have expected there to be bugs." I sigh, ready to go back inside anyways.
"Can we just go back inside? I think we got enough photos." She asks, her eyebrows furrowed due to the harmless bee ruining the good mood she had been in.
Vanessa walks towards the door that we had propped open with a door stopper in case it were to shut and lock us out.
"Sure," I say, looking down at the screen of my camera as I make my way over to where she stands. "Nessa oh my God!" I begin hysterically laughing.
"What?" Her eyes widen, leaning over to see what I'm looking at. "Fuck no Paige. Delete that right now!" She scolds.
I turn my back to her, moving my camera safely in front of myself so that she can't get to me, "No way Vanessa. This is too good!" I double over in laughter the longer I look at the picture.
In the midst of her trying to swat the bee away from her face, I shot the perfect picture of her squealing. Her face is all scrunched up and her hair was floating wildly in the air.
Vanessa doesn't give up, reaching her arms out to try and grab my camera. She lunges forward, kicking the door stopper with her foot in the process.
The both of us stand completely still when we hear a slamming noise coming from the heavy door.
"Shit."
"You don't think it's locked do you?" She asks, forgetting about the previous fight she had just put up.
"Only one way to find out." I sigh, reaching out to twist the handle and pull it open to no avail, "Yeah it's definitely locked."
"What do we do?" She begins pacing frantically, acting as if we have no solution. "We're seriously fucking locked out here with the scary bee!"
I stare at her dumbfounded. The way she can switch moods so easily is astounding.
"Nessa we're fine! I'll just call Ashton." I pull my phone out from my back pocket, being met with multiple texts from Calum telling me he hopes I'm having fun.
I allow myself to smile at them for a moment, my heart melts from the way he cares so much even though he doesn't even know what I was panicking about this morning.
"Okay, well, do it quick cause I'm really freaking out over here!" She runs a stressed hand through her hair.
I roll my eyes at her frenzy, pressing on Ashton's contact and letting him know he needs to come get us.
"He's on his way. Can you stop freaking out now?" I ask, turning off my camera to preserve the battery life.
Her pacing stops, but she's still incredibly out of breath. "Fine." She says, positioning herself slightly beside me. I give her a confused look. "Just in case the bee tries to attack me." She defends herself.
Minutes pass until the door finally opens, revealing an unsurprised Ashton.
"I just know this was Vanessa's fault."
A/N
Publishing this before I fall asleep. Pls leave me tons of comments to wake up to xoxo
I love you all thank you for reading <3